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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New ish man doesn’t seem to want sex?

198 replies

Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 18:29

It’s been 8 months. We did it once after alcohol and it was ok in the way a lot of first time sex is. It wasn’t bad!

I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant and he just says he wants to take things at an ok pace. I’ve asked when he thinks he will be ready and he says soon but he’s been saying that for months.

He’s only slept with 3 people, two of which were one night stands a long long time ago, the third being a very short term relationship again a few years ago.

I’ve asked if he’s just not into sex, he says that’s not it. I’ve asked if he’s concerned about anything, he says not. I’ve asked if it’s just not something he’s bothered about, he says he is.

He’s hard when we kiss, he gives and receives oral. He’s very cuddly and intimate in other ways. I don’t get it?! Any ideas...

OP posts:

Motnight · 12/06/2021 11:10

You're not compatible, Op. You can tie yourself in knots wondering why your partner is like this. Or you could walk away.

Lovelydiscusfish · 12/06/2021 11:12

I was thinking about this a bit more - to be fair I only enjoyed PIV with my most recent ex and my current partner - with (quite a number of)partners before I found it painful and unfulfilling, and only really liked other sexual activities. I’m a woman, but I guess this could plausibly be the case for a man too.

I did do it, like. But I could happily have lived without it…..

It may be that if you stay with him you will just have to accept it’s off the table. If you can live with that.

Would having kids together be something you would consider in the future? If so, it’s gonna be an issue anyway……

I did wonder if he could have anxiety about pregnancy, and or STDs? What contraception did you use the time you did it?

Velvetscrunchy · 12/06/2021 11:17

I’ve been here. It kills your self esteem and you constantly wonder “what’s wrong with me?” “I must be really disgusting”. I’ve had SIX years of this.

Original poster

Battyieoa · 12/06/2021 11:30

I don’t know, maybe I’m being a bloody idiot but I love him and don’t want to be cruel by forcing the issue. I like sex but could probably have limited sex if it was a big issue for him. I would want to know why though

What’s odd is we did it once before. He was hard, it carried on for a while. One thing I’ve just remembered is he didn’t finish and the next day we were chatting randomly about something to do with men and sex and I said oh it’s funny because all my friends always joke that men worry they’re taking too long when actually 5 minutes is often enough!

I didn’t even think to relate it to him and the fact he hadn’t cum, because I had enjoyed it. But maybe he now feels self conscious of that? Is not being able to cum and staying hard a thing?!

He’s a massive massive worrier so I do think whatever it is is mental rather than purely physical . Especially as he’s so affectionate in other ways

OP posts:

sammylady37 · 12/06/2021 11:43

@me4real

Get him pissed again and make a serious play for him?

Jesus Christ. What a disgusting response. The man has said he doesn’t want to have sex and you’re suggesting she gets him drunk and tries it on with him??

What would you call a man who did that to a woman in similar circumstances?

Isthisit22 · 12/06/2021 11:52

@Battyieoa

I didn’t even think to relate it to him and the fact he hadn’t cum, because I had enjoyed it. But maybe he now feels self conscious of that? Is not being able to cum and staying hard a thing?!

He’s a massive massive worrier so I do think whatever it is is mental rather than purely physical . Especially as he’s so affectionate in other ways

It sounds like he can only finish through oral or hand, probably due to porn death grip. He will never admit to this. Throw this one back OP. Otherwise you're set for years of frustration and eroded self confidence

category12 · 12/06/2021 11:57

It's not just the sex issue, it's the other things around saying I love you, weirdness around meeting family and so on, tho.

SamW98 · 12/06/2021 12:06

Sorry OP but the more you comment the more red flags are flashing up.

Why should you compromise on a good sex life just because he won't discuss what his issue is. This is HIS issue not your's and I think its clear as day that you need to ask him what the problem is. if he can't give you a straight answer then walk away and don't look back

HelpMeh · 12/06/2021 12:09

We can go round in circles here all you like but unless you tell him it's full disclosure or you're off, then nothings going to change. Why would it?

If he really isn't willing to discuss it and would rather lose you then that tells you all you need to know. I don't see why you should make all the sacrifices to meet his quirks.

If it is "death grip" syndrome there's no reason why he can't still oblige your needs and finish his some other way.

I don't believe that a gay man would prefer to give oral sex to a woman than have PIV sex. He's not gay.

There was one guy I had a strange encounter with and he basically told me that I'd never be able to finish him off... I assume he was a death grip guy, but I did later find out he had a girlfriend so it could've been some weird rule he had about what constitutes cheating or not. I'm going with death grip though, knowing what I know about him.

Have already asked both of these questions but do you want kids and have you met friends/family??

TheWaif · 12/06/2021 13:27

It could be porn addiction.

Taliskerskye · 12/06/2021 13:28

He obviously can only come by oral. Thats clearly an issue for him.
Why? Only he knows.
Can you live with it forever. Only you know

ohnoisaid2much · 12/06/2021 13:34

@HelpMeh

Do you want children?

Have you met his friends and family?

I've noticed several people have asked about this with no response.

OP has said he's told his family about her around 5 months in but that's it.

OP have you met his family? Have you met any of his friends at all?

What is he like around your friends and family?

pinkmagnolias · 12/06/2021 13:40

Have already asked both of these questions but do you want kids and have you met friends/family??/

This. Unless he hasn’t met his own family for the past eight months, this is another red flag that he isn’t in any way serious
about you.

I’d urge you to think of what you want your own future to look like OP. You won’t change him.

I knew a man who was very like him. He did have a child with someone (not planned) but they didn’t have a normal sexual relationship before or since. He’s a great father but not a great partner.

CookieClub · 12/06/2021 13:51

Having thought about this for longer....maybe he is embarrassed due to not finishing the last time? So feels under pressure?
Does he ejaculate when you're doing other stuff?

If there's ASD present, he may be so literal that he is terrified you'll get pregnant even with a condom (obviously they're not 100%, so he might have himself convinced that it'd fail and he's just not ready to be a dad)
Could be something to do with previous abuse? Some sort of mental trigger/traumatic experience?

You say he's inexperienced, so could be a multitude of reasons really.

Ultimately I think you need to have a nice time together, but explain you need him to be completely open and honest with you regarding sexual intercourse...although again if he has ASD, he might not be able to find the words to explain why he feels a certain way/anxious etc.

Best of luck!

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/06/2021 13:58

I was with someone like this for 7 months, I thought it may have been cultural, he was Indian fwiw, but it absolutely destroyed my self esteem.

He was and still is a lovely man and we have remained very good friends to this day ,but there was literally no action other than a quick cuddle.

You need to rethink this, you should feel wanted in a way only in the honeymoon period would .
Raw passion cant keep hands off eachother, this is going to end in tears and it wont be his tears.

Holothane · 12/06/2021 17:16

I’ve never had the honeymoon period ever but that’s life I suppose. You must discuss this,

WildfirePonie · 12/06/2021 17:49

So his condoms are fairly new if they expire in 2025.

The average shelf life of a condom is three to five years

Is the box open or sealed?

me4real · 12/06/2021 18:05

@sammylady37 Obviously not so plastered he can't consent, just enough to be able to relax and let go into sex. Like they already have done once.

Gilda152 · 12/06/2021 19:09

Urgh.

Back in the 90's I went out with a guy for 5 months and never had sex with him, he didn't seem to want to.

Like an absolute MORON I went back out with him around 12 years ago now, the first few months we're amazing sexually, then... back to barely anything, once a month at a push. I went out with him the second time for four years...! I'm an idiot. It ruined my self esteem completely.

I'm happily married now to my ace DH and sex is great. If it's not great with your guy now, it never will be - please learn from me and my stupidity - I flogged that dead horse twice!!

ihtwsf · 12/06/2021 19:15

So his condoms are fairly new if they expire in 2025

The condoms don't automatically mean he's shagging someone else.
Perhaps he bought them to use with the OP but for whatever reason he hasn't felt able to have PIV sex with her yet so hasn't needed them.

saltncheese · 12/06/2021 21:14

I've only read the ops posts but I wonder if he doesn't want a proper relationship which will/might lead to long term commitment and more importantly children.

Any guys I've been with who prefer oral over piv consistently it's because they were paranoid about accidental pregnancies (even with condom use).

To me piv is the main event and way more intimate than oral soo round to stay in a relationship without any piv action

AramintaArrowsmith · 12/06/2021 23:49

JESUS CHRIST YOU AGAIN

why! Why do you keep posting the same thread every other week

AramintaArrowsmith · 12/06/2021 23:53

I honestly don't get it.

You post and generally get a couple of hundred replies. You then get rumbled as being the poster who just posts this on repeat, ad infinitum, and then you go quiet

And then up you pop, a few weeks later with a name change and the same scenario. This isn't troll hunting btw - I am genuinely curious as to why you post so many threads despite getting so many responses. It's either not real and it's where you're getting your kicks or you just like posting about it

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