New ish man doesn’t seem to want sex?

[Battyieoa]

It’s been 8 months. We did it once after alcohol and it was ok in the way a lot of first time sex is. It wasn’t bad!

I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant and he just says he wants to take things at an ok pace. I’ve asked when he thinks he will be ready and he says soon but he’s been saying that for months.

He’s only slept with 3 people, two of which were one night stands a long long time ago, the third being a very short term relationship again a few years ago.

I’ve asked if he’s just not into sex, he says that’s not it. I’ve asked if he’s concerned about anything, he says not. I’ve asked if it’s just not something he’s bothered about, he says he is.

He’s hard when we kiss, he gives and receives oral. He’s very cuddly and intimate in other ways. I don’t get it?! Any ideas...

I don't see how you can directly give him an ultimatum like some PP's have said.

It already seems like he may be anxious about his performance, that's all I can think.

'You have to shag me or II'll dump you' isn't going to help.

I don't think he's the man for you, you're quite different people. Somewhere there's a woman like him. Mind you, they would probably hardly ever shag but they'd be ok with it.

I don't feel he has an extremely low libido. Maybe he's an anxious person or something, at least about penetrative sex/his performance.

@me4real I’d happily wait if it was nerves. I would support him. I tell him all the time how attractive I find him. I don’t get it.

Get him pissed again and make a serious play for him?

If it's not happening after 8 months it's not going to happen. You are wasting your time waiting- he is not going to suddenly change. Whatever the reason is, he is not being honest with you and this relationship is doomed.

How about 'I really fancy sex tonight, I've been waiting long enough'

I suspect you'll be back on Mumsnet in a year or so still complaining about this issue and you won't be in the honeymoon phase then either and it will start to really drag you down.

Have another talk and say you're not buying the "taking things slow" thing any more - you're sexually active with each other so it's bollocks. Ask him to be honest.

If he seems genuine and kind ,it seems a bit harsh to to "bin him" unless he comes up with the goods (literally!) 8 months is a reasonable time to get to know someone well .If investing in some pretty underwear /WE away doesnt do it ,maybe see a counsellor ? OW try a massage and see if that helps .Maybe if he doesnt feel under pressure ,that may help?

Are the poster that was posting about this a couple of months ago after you'd given him head?

Gosh 8 months is long!

Tried massage, he is hard when it’s finished but pushes me away if I try and climb on. He says he loves the massages

I would think he's got ED.

How important is intercourse to you?

@category12 very! What does ED mean if he managed sex before and stayed hard but didn’t finish?

I mean, there's nothing wrong about no sex or low sex in a relationship. But he needs to be honest with you about what he wants/needs re: sex, so you can decide if it suits you.

I have very little desire for sex (as in, once in a blue moon when I feel like it) but if I had a partner who clearly wanted more I'd tell them honestly that this is as much as I can give, take it or leave it.

I wonder if he’s “ just not that into you”? He doesn’t seem to want to have sex with you for whatever reason.
OP there are plenty of willing and able men out there. Cut this one loose

What does ED mean if he managed sex before and stayed hard but didn’t finish?

That he can't get to orgasm through PIV?
That he doesn't trust his erections to last during sex?

Maybe he's particularly careful about avoiding getting you pregnant. Sounds like he enjoys sex with you, just not PiV.

Maybe his mother told him, as I told my DSs, not to have sex with someone you weren't prepared to have kids with.

Sorry but you're wasting your time

Tbh this wouldn't even bother me in the slightest. Sounds like a lovely relaxed relationship. I'm surprised what a big thing sex seems for so many people on here.

I think the reality is this is just him for one reason or another. If it means more to you (taking in to consideration it might be forever) than what you and him have and you think you could keep being happy then stay.

The fact it is stressing you so much that you would post on mumsnet about it tells me that it is a big thing for you and so the problem will only get bigger the longer this situation goes on.

For you, you should probably leave. Let you both hurt a little bit now and then find people you are both more compatible with than you both going through unbearable pain later with many lost years you won't get back.

Hold your head up high and stop wasting your time. Whatever his hang ups are, this is a new relationship and he's making you unhappy. See the red flags, and move on. You're worth more.

You're not compatible and this will never improve.
He's bullshitting you

8 months? That’s really no good.

I feel like I can’t push it as that’s cruel and unfair

Maybe this is cruel and unfair to you OP.

After this amount of time, I would think about walking away. He may say he's up for it, but his actions don't back it up. Believe actions over words every time.

An awful lot of those who have replied did not read the OP's posts properly.

They have lots of manual and oral sex to completion. Massages, cuddles and snogs. The only thing missing is PIV.

We read of women who don't like PIV much, and are happy to do everything else but avoid that, and we support them and tell them they have a right not to do anything they don't want to do. A man is the same and it's LTB.

He's definitely lying to you, though. There is a reason and it's not the "taking it slow" fib he feeds you.

It could be that he finds PIV very performance-oriented and he feels he cannot put on a good display of manly competence. The pressure of feeling he has to "perform" could cause him to lose his erections. (I had a boyfriend with this problem many years ago: just like yours he was very eager to do everything except PIV.)

It could be that he hates condoms and yet does not want to risk getting you pregnant, and so avoiding PIV and doing everything else is the perfect solution.

I'd put money on it being one of the above.

If you crave something inside, could you not ask him to use a dildo or vibrator on you during oral? Obviously that won't suit every woman, but it's just an idea that popped into my mind.

There are LOADS of women who would love to have a man who did everything else but didn't want PIV. They'd be relieved!

Is he possibly worried about pregnancy?

This is gonna be as good as it gets which means the future looks bleak for you. My best friend married a man like this. Things got much much worse. It will end soon because it’s a miserable existence and yet I have no doubt he loves her to bits but he’s unwilling to get help. My friend feels shit all the time now and has fantasies of cheating. What a life. If he won’t address it now there’s little hope.