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Original poster

New ish man doesn’t seem to want sex?

198 replies

Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 18:29

It’s been 8 months. We did it once after alcohol and it was ok in the way a lot of first time sex is. It wasn’t bad!

I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant and he just says he wants to take things at an ok pace. I’ve asked when he thinks he will be ready and he says soon but he’s been saying that for months.

He’s only slept with 3 people, two of which were one night stands a long long time ago, the third being a very short term relationship again a few years ago.

I’ve asked if he’s just not into sex, he says that’s not it. I’ve asked if he’s concerned about anything, he says not. I’ve asked if it’s just not something he’s bothered about, he says he is.

He’s hard when we kiss, he gives and receives oral. He’s very cuddly and intimate in other ways. I don’t get it?! Any ideas...

OP posts:
TheWaif · 11/06/2021 20:05

I don't think I'd last 8 dates, let along 8 months!

It wouldn't be a case of an ultimatum for me, just a 'You clearly don't want sex for whatever reason and that doesn't work for me', then see how he reacts.

Crimeismymiddlename · 11/06/2021 20:06

I have experienced this and found it destroyed my self esteem in the end. Nothing worse for self confidence than a man who just won’t admit he is not into sex, or you.
It won’t get better-this is it so maybe it is time to have a few conversations and really think if you can continue to have a sexless relationship.
Also, he is not going slow if you are both in love, he has made it hard for you to leave him now.

WoMandalorian · 11/06/2021 20:07

Worried about pregnancy or doesn't like using condoms I would guess?
My DH doesn't like wearing them, but we have 3 DC and is happy to get the snip so he doesn't have to wear them.

Sssloou · 11/06/2021 20:11

The lack of sex is a red herring.

The issue is that this man has only ever had one short RS at 38 years old.

That’s the issue.

Susannahmoody · 11/06/2021 20:16

8 months?

😱

Susannahmoody · 11/06/2021 20:18

ED = erectile disfunction

Which he doesn't appear to have 🤔

pinkmagnolias · 11/06/2021 20:20

I have also experienced this. He said all the right things, he had condoms, he gave oral, we had sex three times in a couple of years and It didn't get better. It ruined my self esteem as I ended up blaming myself for being unattractive to him. I told myself that I wasn't the 'full package' he wanted and in hindsight I was little more than an ego boost. He strung me along for a long time while knowing he didn't really want me at all despite his words to the contrary.
I'd walk away OP unless you are happy with things as they are and remaining as they are. If you hope to have a long relationship with this man, would like children some day - this is not the man you will have a happy relationship with.

rooarsome · 11/06/2021 20:21

OP you need to be clear and firm that penetrative sex is an important part of your sexual relationship together. If he, for whatever reason, cannot fulfil that then he needs to be open and honest.
I drifted along in a relationship in which we were sexually incompatible and in the end we were both miserable.

JustAnotherOldMan · 11/06/2021 20:33

@rooarsome

OP you need to be clear and firm that penetrative sex is an important part of your sexual relationship together. If he, for whatever reason, cannot fulfil that then he needs to be open and honest. I drifted along in a relationship in which we were sexually incompatible and in the end we were both miserable.
I’d agree with this, for whatever reason it sounds like the guy doesn’t like / want penetrative intercourse, you need to have an honest conversation about this if it intercourse is important to you.
CupoTeap · 11/06/2021 20:39

You do t have to say shag me or I leave but you can say that you feel he's not being complained with you and you need him to be, if he's not being honest with you your relationship can't develop and that he is then making that decision for both of you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/06/2021 20:39

He says it's not a problem and not a worry.

What he means is it's not a problem in his opinion and he isn't worried about it.

Does rather smack of a there, there, shush now dismissal of you communicating your feelings doesnt it? How offputting.

katy1213 · 11/06/2021 20:47

Demote him to nice pal you occasionally go for a drink with. Occasionally - because you are not going to supply all the emotional support/company/affection and wifework that comes with a full-on relationship. He either needs to accept that's his lot in life or find someone else who's on his sexual wavelength.

Tal45 · 11/06/2021 20:53

I'd just say 'can we have sex tonight because I really enjoyed it last time and it's really important to me.' If he's still avoiding it after that then it's time to find someone you're more compatible with.

Mareofwesttown · 11/06/2021 20:54

If it’s not rude, how old are you both?

Blueskytoday06 · 11/06/2021 20:55

Oh gawd you need to be at it like bunnies 8 months in. Do you see a future with this bloke ?

midsomermurderess · 11/06/2021 20:58

Blooming heck, pics, and all said with such certainty.

LabradorMama · 11/06/2021 21:00

This must be difficult as you obviously love him. But I agree with the PPs who say it's a problem that must be discussed. If you put up and shut up you are accepting that this is your lot. And you're not happy, so why would you do that?

Original poster
Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 21:01

I’m early 30s he’s late 30s. I really do love him. I would wait or talk or work through anything with him. At this point at least. That’s what’s so frustrating.

And I love him so much that I let it go. I know that isn’t going to stay like that though and I will become resentful. I don’t know what to do. If I mention it again I’m almost certain he will just say he will when we both feel ready. I will say I’m ready and he will say he’s not yet.

OP posts:
Curbaisti · 11/06/2021 21:03

@TheWaif

I don't think I'd last 8 dates, let along 8 months!

It wouldn't be a case of an ultimatum for me, just a 'You clearly don't want sex for whatever reason and that doesn't work for me', then see how he reacts.

Exactly this op. Its not normal
Original poster
Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 21:04

A few things haven’t been that normal with him really. But I have fallen for him. It’s so shit. I am feeling rubbish about it after reading these replies! But I’m glad I posted as it has given me some perspective.

OP posts:
Motnight · 11/06/2021 21:05

What else hasn't been normal with him, Op?

GertietheGherkin · 11/06/2021 21:09

@me4real

Get him pissed again and make a serious play for him?
I shouldn't laugh, but this made me chuckle. 😂
Original poster
Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 21:10

@Motnight he was funny about staying in each other’s beds for a while. That stopped about 3 months in and we do that regularly now. He didn’t tell his family about me for ages as apparently it was a very big thing to tell them Hmm but again he has since told them, he did that around 5 months in. We’ve said we love each other to each other a handful of times but when I say it he will often just kiss me or say something else unrelated to what I’ve said. He’s just a bit unusual I guess compared with what I’m used to. We get on so well though and I have never laughed so much.

OP posts:
HelpMeh · 11/06/2021 21:17

Well, I guess it could be delayed ejaculation.

But whatever it is he needs to be discussing it with you. That would be my red line rather than the actual sex itself. If he can't discuss what the issue is - and there is definitely an issue regardless of whatever bollocks he's talking - then how can you have a relationship with him?

Do you want children? If so, how does he plan to sow the seed?

Bunnyfuller · 11/06/2021 21:20

He is holding back physically and emotionally:

  1. ED
  2. Porn or sex worker/swinger addict
  3. In a relationship and sets himself some bs ‘rules’
  4. Scared of pregnancy (just because he has told you somethings doesn’t make them true).
  5. Some fetish he doesn’t feel he can admit

Sadly, with men, getting hard doesn’t relate to much at all. Staying hard, and having PIV consensual sex, for some, is a different story.

You can see the odd stuff yourself, listen to your gut.

I personally would stop doing ANYTHING sexual until he fesses up.

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