New ish man doesn’t seem to want sex?

[Battyieoa]

It’s been 8 months. We did it once after alcohol and it was ok in the way a lot of first time sex is. It wasn’t bad!

I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant and he just says he wants to take things at an ok pace. I’ve asked when he thinks he will be ready and he says soon but he’s been saying that for months.

He’s only slept with 3 people, two of which were one night stands a long long time ago, the third being a very short term relationship again a few years ago.

I’ve asked if he’s just not into sex, he says that’s not it. I’ve asked if he’s concerned about anything, he says not. I’ve asked if it’s just not something he’s bothered about, he says he is.

He’s hard when we kiss, he gives and receives oral. He’s very cuddly and intimate in other ways. I don’t get it?! Any ideas...

Would it be a religious thing?

Maybe he's gay? (But hasn't accepted it himself yet?)
Or maybe Viagra might work if he's got ED?

Christ no OP. If it was a moral thing he’d have told you, or felt guilty about your drunken sex. A 38yr old man sharing a bed, willing to do everything else but not have sex after 8 months (despite having already done so) is a fucking oddball.

Maybe he has good reasons, but he’s not sharing and you’re not his therapist. You’re not on the same page. I’d gently step away.

Does he have a disease from a past sexual experience he scared of passing on (but maybe isnt experienced enough to know you can pass stuff on through oral?)

Are you sure he nots masking some sort of possible addition needs that may be undiagnosed?

It's strange he's so sexually inexperienced and never had a LTR at almost 40.There's far more to this.

I'd cut my losses and move on tbh.

Talk to him OP and find out what's going on. AND THEN COME BACK AND TELL US

@thenewduchessofhastings what sort of additional needs?! The only thing I can think of is he’s said I should watch Rain Main to truly understand him...I haven’t watched it but believe it is similar to some sort of autistic thing?! Maybe that plays a part.

But he’s happy to have oral. Why is nothing ever simple.

He’s gay, honey.

Talk to him OP and find out what's going on. AND THEN COME BACK AND TELL US

Don't hold your breath. She's already tried talking to him and he says he wants to have sex and there's no issue. He wants to take things slowly.
I don't think he's ever going to reveal any more than that.

If I’d have known what I know now my life would be very different now I’m a sexless marriage health issues but also wasn’t that fussed anyway, him I mean. I’d start questioning could you live like this for the rest of your life?.

He’s not sleeping with anyone else.

Famous last words dude

The ultimatum isn't "you have to shag me or else" it's "you have to be honest with me or else"

Might not be ED might be priapism

What else isn't normal op?

Frankly 38 without a long term relationship in his history would send me running for the hills!

@Graphista really? I didn’t think it was that unusual really, maybe not the standard but not unheard of. Urgh back to the drawing board it seems...

@Battyieoa

You've pretty much answered my question.I've a lot of experience with ASD.

The situation your in isn't going to improve.Many people with ASD have issues with having and maintaining relationships.They have issues understanding and dealing with other people's feelings.This can make them very selfish in relationships because they genuinely have trouble processing that the other person doesn't want what they do because it's alien to them.

The reason he doesn't want full sex with you is likely down to sensory issues;for an autistic person being that close and personal to someone else can not only scary but an enormous sensory overload for them which doesn't make it an enjoyable experience.Oral sex may be his way of being sexually involved but without getting quite as close as having full sex would.

If you chose to persue this relationship then you do so knowing it's going to be very challenging.

I wonder what the response would be and this was a man saying his girlfriend wasnt ready for full sex

It would be the complete opposite of these answers

@thenewduchessofhastings thanks for the insight. I didn’t know anything about this. He does have some unusual traits but also seems pretty normal too in some ways. How can I be sure?!

@BoredOfThisShit

No, I don’t think it would. Not after 8 months.

He sounds like he's full of lots of shit.

Rainman is about a severely autistic man and his relationship with his selfish brother. There's a scene where Raymond overhears his brother having sex and starts honking along to their moaning... Is he telling you he's likely to honk mid-coitus?

Regardless of his reasons OP if he's not willing to discuss the issue then you need to tell him that's your dealbreaker. You need full disclosure.

Regardless of any autistic traits he may or may not have, he's being selfish.

Would someone who is penetration averse have a condom stash? Likewise, would someone who was for example, grossed out by penetrative sex, really prefer to shove their face in someone's fanny? Surely that's way grosser than sticking your dick in someone? (Sorry, there's no nice way to say that).

You seem to be looking for any excuse to let him off the hook but if you're unhappy and he isn't going to change, why should you be the one to live a miserable life?

Have you met any of his family and friends by the way? That would probably be telling.

[quote Battyieoa]@thenewduchessofhastings thanks for the insight. I didn’t know anything about this. He does have some unusual traits but also seems pretty normal too in some ways. How can I be sure?![/quote]
You can be sure when he bloody well tells you.

You shouldn't be left playing "what might be wrong with him" bingo.

Does he give oral or just receive it? And not to get too into it but it's prob a too much wanking issue, need the firm grip to maintain and the focus to come.

The time you had sex he didn't come? Did you think it was the drink or that he can't ever ?

@Battyieoa

Ask him.The fact he's said "watch rain man to understand me" means he probably knows.The reason it's called Autistic spectrum disorder is because it's a spectrum;the severity varies.

My brother is a good example of someone like your DP;when you initially meet him he seems like your average mid twenties bloke who's maybe abit immature but spend time with him and you soon start to notice things.He hasn't had a GF longer than 6 months and he admitted to me last year although he's been sexually involved with GF's he's still a virgin as he's not "gone all the way yet" as he put it.

Someone can have autistic traits without full ASD and the traits still be really impairing, but that's by the by.

@Battyieoa The other thing to consider is the older you get, the more men in your 'dating pool' are likely to have issues with not being able to manage penetrative sex, because it comes to a lot of men with age. Health issues that people develop in their 40s/50s, or medications, can also effect men's stamina or erections, and abilities.

So you now have a relatively small window where you should be able to find some reliable c*ck in your dating life, and so please seize the day. You don't want your days of good sex to just be memories (I know that's a depressing thought.)

Also, I'm not there yet myself at 44, but I read on here the other day that a lot of women lose their libido entirely at menopause (I had heard that some have a lower libido etc.) So, even in yourself, it'd be best to make the most of this phase of your life and your body.

Of course if you were happy with this it'd be different. But if you like penetrative sex then grabbing it with both hands is so important while you can get hold of it.

@BoredOfThisShit

I wonder what the response would be and this was a man saying his girlfriend wasnt ready for full sex

It would be the complete opposite of these answers

Yes, because we'd be talking to the other person. Nobody is saying he has to have sex that he doesn't want. But OP doesn't have to put up with what he wants either. She's entitled to go for the sex and relationship she wants, which will mean leaving this man and finding another.

And it's not a question of " not being ready" they've already had full sex once when they were drunk. He doesn't want to do it again, but he's not being honest about that.

The problem is he will say he maybe has ASD, and then that'll add months/years to how long you put up with this maybe. We see on this board often that women decide/know their partner has X, Y, Z issues, so the woman puts up with what's going on long-term.

Some women will be happy with this scenario, so set him free so he can find one; that way you can be happy and he can too.

@BoredOfThisShit

I wonder what the response would be and this was a man saying his girlfriend wasnt ready for full sex

It would be the complete opposite of these answers

The answers would be exactly the same. Male or female, 8 months with no explanation is selfish.

It's not the lack of sex that's the biggest issue. It's the refusal to have any meaningful discussion and just expecting OP to tolerate it.