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Original poster

New ish man doesn’t seem to want sex?

198 replies

Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 18:29

It’s been 8 months. We did it once after alcohol and it was ok in the way a lot of first time sex is. It wasn’t bad!

I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant and he just says he wants to take things at an ok pace. I’ve asked when he thinks he will be ready and he says soon but he’s been saying that for months.

He’s only slept with 3 people, two of which were one night stands a long long time ago, the third being a very short term relationship again a few years ago.

I’ve asked if he’s just not into sex, he says that’s not it. I’ve asked if he’s concerned about anything, he says not. I’ve asked if it’s just not something he’s bothered about, he says he is.

He’s hard when we kiss, he gives and receives oral. He’s very cuddly and intimate in other ways. I don’t get it?! Any ideas...

OP posts:
Original poster
Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 23:57

Yes I just want an explanation really. That’s the hard part as I feel closed off.

OP posts:
NameChangeNamaste · 11/06/2021 23:59

Doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. This kind of dynamic will wreck your head and self esteem. It’s not something that can be “worked on” in a relationship without the baseline having existed at some point.

Elmer83 · 12/06/2021 00:08

RUN...and bloody fast! This isn’t a relationship you will want 10 years down the line

stressfuljune · 12/06/2021 00:12

I was involved with a guy many moons ago who was very affectionate & cuddly and we had the wildest hilarious fun. But no full sex. I realised he was prob gay. We'd crash out in bed together and he'd still not try it on, even after a few beers in our early 30s. Unlike any other male I knew. I was one of the first people he told when he eventually came out and said 'you'd realised hadn't you' ..

Original poster
Battyieoa · 12/06/2021 00:14

@stressfuljune did you do oral? We’re you naked together? I have wondered this but not convinced

OP posts:
me4real · 12/06/2021 00:21

Someone can be weird about sex and not be gay. I think gay men would find oral on a woman the most difficult thing.

IceLace100 · 12/06/2021 00:25

Have a blunt conversation.

By blunt I mean sitting him down with no distractions, looking him in the eye and saying "we have been going out for 8 months with no/ little sex. I'm finding it very strange. Why don't we have sex?" Then wait quietly and look at him until he gives an answer. Don't feel the need to fill an awkward silence.

Worth asking because he might have a history of sexual abuse / trauma, a past of religious repression or a medical issue. If this is the case you may wish to work through the problems with him.

If after the blunt conversation you're none the wiser, it's time to end the relationship.

areforumsstillathing · 12/06/2021 00:25

This is a weird one, I agree things will likely not change after 8 months but not sure why he wants to do oral. He can't be asexual if doing oral surely? Maybe he's gay?

CookieClub · 12/06/2021 00:32

Could it be a religious or cultural thing?

Perhaps he lied about the previous ONS and was actually a virgin until you had sex..and maybe now feels he's betrayed his family [who perhaps don't believe in sex before marriage] so it trying not to do the deed again?? I've only jumped to this, because you mentioned not meeting his family for a long time....so I presume he considers it important that his family approve of his life choices.

colouringindoors · 12/06/2021 00:47

*I think as time goes on you would find deeper and deeper levels of fucked-up-ness with him.

There's a reason he's never had a proper relationship before*

This. With bells on. I see lots of red flags, the PIV is just one.

HelpMeh · 12/06/2021 00:48

Do you want children?

Have you met his friends and family?

Original poster
Battyieoa · 12/06/2021 06:21

He’s so passionate with other intimacy. I just can’t understand it. I wonder if he’s just shy? And doesn’t feel the need to do it if we are doing other stuff? He’s always hard and is happy to grind towards me as if that’s what he wants. A few times I’ve thought he’s definitely going to go inside now, then he just doesn’t

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/06/2021 07:10

@IceLace100

Have a blunt conversation.

By blunt I mean sitting him down with no distractions, looking him in the eye and saying "we have been going out for 8 months with no/ little sex. I'm finding it very strange. Why don't we have sex?" Then wait quietly and look at him until he gives an answer. Don't feel the need to fill an awkward silence.

Worth asking because he might have a history of sexual abuse / trauma, a past of religious repression or a medical issue. If this is the case you may wish to work through the problems with him.

If after the blunt conversation you're none the wiser, it's time to end the relationship.

I think this is great advice but it sounds like even if presented very calmly and kindly his answer would be 'I'm not ready to yet'. Then if asked 'why?' he would say he just isn't.

I think OP you need to accept that he either isn't ready because he doesn't want to have sex at all or isn't ready because he places a hugely different significance on PIV than you and most people do.

It's unfair for anyone to pressure anyone else into feeling they should have to have sex they aren't comfortable with and it doesn't sound like you've done that at all which is great.

An ultimatum isn't useful or fair here because he has clearly said he isn't ready and doesn't know when he will be. I really think it sounds like he has huge hang ups about PIV and / or places a different significance on it to most people and that that would make him sexually incompatible with most people.

Therefore if I was you I would walk away now rather than continuing something you both aren't comfortable with compatibility wise (you always waiting, him always knowing you're waiting).

There doesn't have to be a 'baddie' in a split or a reason that involves the other party being an arsehole. Sometimes it just isn't the right fit.

Lovelydiscusfish · 12/06/2021 07:50

Did you have a thread about the same guy a little while back? Not a problem if you did - I was just wondering as otherwise there is someone in a weirdly similar position to you, and it might help you to read that thread (I can’t remember what it was titled tho).

Basically only he can know why he doesn’t want PIV sex. All you can do is ask him. But it doesn’t sound as if he is all that open to discussing it…..

I wouldn’t worry too much about the saying I love you thing. Some people don’t automatically say it back as they think it sounds trite - as long as he says it at other times I think that’s ok.

It’s the second thing you need to worry about. I couldn’t put up with it myself. It’s his lack of ability to communicate about it that would get to me. Great communication about sex leads to great sex - the opposite is also true…..

LadyLolaRuben · 12/06/2021 07:52

[quote Battyieoa]@thenewduchessofhastings thanks for the insight. I didn’t know anything about this. He does have some unusual traits but also seems pretty normal too in some ways. How can I be sure?![/quote]
You're going to have to have to ask him to be honest with you so you can understand. If he isn't upfront you're going to have to leave. Im afraid you're at a cross roads. He's putting his needs first and disregarding yours

JustAnotherOldMan · 12/06/2021 08:07

MinutesLynn has nailed it, for whatever reason he doesn’t want to have PIV, and that’s fine, but you clearly do, and that’s also fine,
So time to find someone else

peridito · 12/06/2021 09:21

If it were me ,I'd give it more time .People vary .You clearly feel for him a great deal and you sound kind and lovely . I think it's worth staying the pace .The fact that he can be passionate in other areas is ,IMO ,a good sign .

Good luck and don't feel terrible ! Flowers

ihtwsf · 12/06/2021 09:32

I wonder what the response would be and this was a man saying his girlfriend wasnt ready for full sex

It would be the complete opposite of these answers

No it wouldn't. Most of these answers are saying that if he doesn't want to PIV sex then he doesn't have to have it. However, after 8 months it would be a reasonable expectation that a couple had done it by now.
After 8 months you would also expect the couple to be comfortable enough with one another for the person who does not want sex (whether that was the man or the woman) to be able to discuss the reasons for this - whether they are due to past traumas, a medical issue, religious or cultural reasons etc. Also, if he is in fact a virgin, or if it was a woman who was the virgin, they should be able to communicate this after 8 months.
If they cannot communicate their wants, needs and issues then the relationship is going nowhere.

thecatsabsentcojones · 12/06/2021 09:38

He sounds like a friend of mine who trashed one of my other friend’s self esteem through stuff like this. He’s in his forties, no long relationship history to speak of, with huge major hang ups about intimacy. I think each woman that tries to break through thinks they are going to save him and come out feeling like their vaginas are pots of filth.

So from this I reckon he’s got serious sexual issues and it’s something you won’t be able to fix. I think the scenario of saying ‘shag me or I’m off’ is a little blunt, but being honest about the way you can’t live with this scenario is the way forward. You both have different needs clearly. He could still be a dear friend, but one incapable of delivering what you need.

Go for a man who will absolutely relish what you keep in your pants!

StarCourt · 12/06/2021 09:52

Op this has happened to me twice. The first time we were together força year then he finally admitted he wasn't over his ex and dumped me.
The second time it turned out he was really only able to have sex when on drugs such as cocaine and ketamine. He and his ex used to have sex 3 or 4 times a year, for a weekend at a time, high on drugs. That's what he was used to and couldn't cope with anything else. I dumped him.

nolovelost · 12/06/2021 10:01

He likes to rub his hard penis against you but not enter you. I still think he's having sex with someone else.

Footloosefancyfree · 12/06/2021 10:26

Cut your losses you have zero ties to this man no kids no house together its only 8 months. At your age you should be enjoying a full sexual relationship not getting the crumbs off someone. He sounds completely weird.

Kitchentop · 12/06/2021 10:33

Shame he’s not being fully honest.

AgentJohnson · 12/06/2021 10:38

Why is taking it slow only at his pace? It’s probably because it’s an excuse and he has a hang up and he’s hoping you’ll get bored of asking.

sunnyblackwidow · 12/06/2021 11:03

If you're in a loving relationship, why wouldn't he want to satisfy you and make you happy in bed. Isn't that the ultimate turn on?

You need to tell him you aren't satisfied, this is not the sexual relationship you want, he needs to be honest about what the problem is or you need to end it. It sounds soul destroying.

He's obviously hoping things will continue like this, after 8 months he's not going to move things forward. This is what your sex life will be indefinitely unless you get assertive and make yourself completely clear.

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