I have really messed up

[WeDontLikeCricket]

I have named changed for this as I am on another section of this forum and very identifiable but have been on here for many years.

I have really messed up and dont know what to do.

DH and I have been having marriage issues for years, we get on very well, like spending time together and do lots of great things, we share mutual interests as a family so spend a lot of time together however we haven't had sex for several years since DH struggled with getting an erection (he is a fair bit older than me but not old enough it should be an issue I guess) and we have ended up in a rut of him being worried about it not happening and me not wanting to instigate anything in case it doesn't happen then both him and I feel awful about it. Sounds pathetic but as time has gone on it seems harder to address so we have ignored it. I don't not fancy him but I don't feel like I want to have sex anymore as it's been so long. I generally have a high sex drive though but I have accepted it's my life.

At our mutual interest we are heavily involved in the running of it, the kids are part of it and we are close friends with lots of the people. Its a very family feel generally, we all socialise together, there is lots of banter which can get flirty but generally openly so it's just a laugh between everyone.

Recently one of the people there has started to get a bit flirty towards me, we ended up chatting via message as we genuinely had to arrange some stuff but the conversation took a turn from his end, stupidly I did respond but it was just a joke from my end at first as he is so much younger than me so didn't take it seriously but it ended up more that that. It was pretty intense and I have no idea why I even responded, it is not me at at all, I have really strong feelings about if you have to hide something from your partner you have gone to far. There's no black and white for me until now.

Anyway this went on a while and ridiculously we met up and had sex. I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened, he is 28 and I am 41, I know I got caught up in the fact that someone was actually interested in me, I guess I am fairly up together but not anything special, any interest previously (not loads but the odd time over the years) I have completely ignored. I have no excuse whatsoever for this, it's not like we were drunk on a night out, we did this with very little thought for anyone and after we are both mortified about it. It definitely won't happen again but I can't even look at DH and god knows how I will face the OM next week.

I guess my question is do I tell DH, this will cause an enormous upset not only with my family but with all our friends, it would be a huge blow up that I want to avoid of course but is there any way forward with this without saying anything. It 100% is over, neither of us can deal with feeling this guilty. I know it's not about my feelings of course now.

I do know how awful it is, I don't need to be told this, I appreciate I don't deserve for anyone to be nice about this either, I woke up today actually in shock that I did it, I feel sick and on the verge of tears constantly, it makes me feel even more selfish as it makes it about me when I am feeling like this. I have told DH I am ill which he believes as I do suffer from regular migraines.

I'd stay quiet until my grave & never tell a soul. What's done is done, if you can be 100% sure it will never happen again and you've "learned" that your DH is right for you, even though things aren't perfect, then I'd never tell him. And the punishment would be how awful you feel and having to live with that forever.

Would you want to know if he was having an affair?

I would keep my mouth shut because if you want to stay and you love your husband and you’re convinced he does too then it’s only going to hurt him and it’s not his fault. Use this as the kick up the arse you need to sort your life out. There’s treatment for erectile dysfunction and sex counselling might be a plan.

Thank you both. @selflove this is my thinking, I know I couldn't do it again, I have no clue how people have long affairs and keep things secret.

@AnneLovesGilbert I genuinely don't know, if it was a ONS then perhaps not, if he was going behind my back and was in love with someone else then yes I would want to, I wouldn't want to be carrying on with my life with him if he had feelings for someone else. I don't have love type feelings for this other person, he is actually not a bad person, I know he is feeling as bad as I am. Obv we are bad people in this situation I get that of couse.

@WeDontLikeCricket

Don’t tell him.

Thanks @BillyShears we do need to address our issues, this has shown me that I am not shut off to sex like I thought I was and that it is important to me which I hadn't realised. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be living without sex but clearly I don't feel that way if I have jumped into bed with someone else.

I wouldn’t tell dh. Have you thought about marriage counselling? Or talking to dh about your feelings?
Very difficult situation. But yes, nothing to be gained by telling your dh. Hope things work out for you.

If you are sure that it will never happen again then my advice is to say nothing and delete every trace of the conversation with this guy. But if you ever felt tempted again then you would have to face the fact that your marriage would be over

I don't know OP. I get my PP are telling you not to say.

I think it depends on they type of person you are though? I just don't know if I could keep something like that to myself. I feel it would eat away at me, have a further affect on my relationship & come out eventually anyway?

Could you talk to a counsellor / someone independent to work out your thoughts on this?

I did the same. No sex for years. My dh and I get on ok, but it's not a fulfilling marriage. I love him and don't want to leave him.

I had a brief affair some years ago. I'm ashamed, but it happened.

I use to scorn people who had affairs...

Don't tell him. There's no point.

I would tell him. Let him decide what happens next.

As others have said, if you're 100% sure it will never happen again, keep quiet.

It's not an affair, you cheated. There's a difference.

@Seesawmummadaw

I would tell him. Let him decide what happens next.

Yes.

I’d want to know if my husband was so disengaged from our marriage he had sex with someone else.

At the moment you know what you’ve done and you’re pretending to be ill so he probably feels sorry for you, and you’re debating keeping this sort of secret which means you know something fundamental about your relationship while he’s completely in the dark. You’re lying to him every day. That’s treating him with contempt.

It was or is an affair. It wasn’t a ONS, it was the outcome of an emotional affair and “intense” messaging.

I agree with @romdowa
A one off? Ok. It happens again, or you want it to happen again, you have to tell him.

Thank you for all your advice.

@EarringsandLipstick I really don't know, I haven't been in the situation before. I have cheated on partners in my late teens but they weren't long term relationships and I was immature, it was my way of ending the relationship so I didn't feel bad really. I have been married (to XH and DH) since I was 20 so only 2 partners in that time. I worry about exactly the same thing you have mentioned, I genuinely think there is no way he would find out, I have deleted everything but it is whether I can get back on track with him without him knowing something is wrong.

@Diddumz how do you feel about the future in your marriage? Is it enough for you to just have that love/friendship with someone you enjoy being with, even if it's not sexual?

Can you be sure OM won't tell anyone?

I wouldn't want to increase the hurt to dh by him finding out through someone else or others knowing and him not knowing.

If you can be sure OM will keep quiet too and it won't happen again, lessons learned etc then I wouldn't tell him.

Truthfully I probably wouldn't tell him but if you're feeling so guilty that it is making you ill then you may not have a choice.

Also, carrying on being in a sexless relationship without addressing it means that even if you don't act on it, you'll be tempted again. Has he looked at what is causing his ED? Has he tried viagra or similar?

At aged 41 I am assuming at some point in your life you would like to have sex again
On that basis you either tell DH and he and you need to work together to understand what the is means for your marriage and if he willing to a) forgive it and b£ work in trying to re establish a sex life with his wife

Or you don’t tell him and at some point have sex again. Sex is a huge part of many healthy marriages so you are not wrong to want it but if you do this again you are desecrating the other equally important reasons people marry: trust, emotional security, stability and intimacy as well as friendship and commitment. You already know this though. Ultimately however you cut the cake you have been unfaithful too. There’s no getting around that, even if it’s just you that hates yourself for doing it

You also need to be honest with yourself about what you can settle for and what you will sacrifice if you do indeed love and want to stay with your husband

There is also the possibility he might not mind you going off and having sex with other men but I think that is a long shot and will poison your marriage in due course anyway

Some might also say that by refusing to deal with the elephant in the room your husband has impliedly put you and your wants right at the back of the queue which is also selfish and damaging.

There is way more to this than just keeping a secret.
You have a lot do thinking to do

@AnneLovesGilbert you are right, I haven't said it was a ONS, I just said I may not want to know if DH had one on a night out/weekend away but would if it was an affair where he was falling in love, I guess I don't consider it an affair, it most definitely could have been if we both didn't feel the guilt after and had carried it on as it would have been constant sneaking around, he feels guilt as his end as he has a GF but he also feels it as he knows my DH and kids.

You are right, it hasnt been months of messages but hundreds a day for the time it's been going on so pretty awful, I'm not in denial of it and don't mean to play it down. I know more people have said not to say but I am very conflicted about saying something for the reasons you have said.

Oh the double standards on here!

You cheated.

End of.

You should allow your husband the choice of deciding for himself whether he wishes to stay married to you or not seen as you took away his choice in relation to your being faithful to him.
There is no excuse for what you have done. While neither your DH or you addressed the impotency issue and allowed that situation to manifest to such an extent it crippled the pair of you, you should have walked away then and so allowed your DH (and you) to hopefully have a relatively amicable parenting relationship. Instead you've potentially just thrown a bomb into your relationship with the damage done to so many more lives than just your own. These things never stay secret. Maybe telling him now may not mean the end of the relationship, maybe it will but that should be his decision to make not yours. You lost that moral right when you slept with the OM.

I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened

Don’t tell him.

You’re not being ho eat with yourself, so there’s no way you can be honest with him.

I would be worried about him finding out through your mutual friends.

The OM is young and will quite possibly tell other people to show off / because he just can't keep a secret.

But if I could be sure he wouldn't find out through other means I would keep my mouth shut and work on your marriage.

Your poor husband.. You cheated.. And you should tell him. I'm surprised at peoples "advice" not to tell him
That's dishonest and your husband deserves to know the truth.
It will only eat you up inside and truth always outs in the end. The lie will be worse for him to get over in the long run. He will feel like a fool.

@Sally872 he definitely won't, he could lose his job over it as well as some very close friends, it's not in his interest to say anything. Given the age gap I can't imagine anyone would even consider it's a possibility.

@Sakurami years ago he did seek help at the GP but I think we have got so out of the habit of having sex that we don't try, this may sound selfish but it is very hard on your self confidence to instigate sex and then your partner not be able to get an erection. I posted about the issue years ago on here and I had some vile replies saying that i was out of order and that I should be more understand. I was only just over 30 at that point so it was a difficult situation for me, I know it was for DH too of course. We need to talk about it, he is really sensitive so I don't want to make him feel worse as obviously he is embarassed amongst other things.

@Cleverpolly3 I know I want to stay with DH so we need to talk about the sex issue and try to make it better. I really thought I would just be happy to not have sex often forever but it's now clear that's not the case. He would never be ok with me having sex with other people, I know that. He has definitely ignored the issue, I don't think it has been intentional but he is not one to deal with problems generally anyway. He has done some questionable things in the past (a long time ago, no affairs though AFAIK) and they always remain unresolved as he just won't talk about it. In time I have got over them and moved on.