I have really messed up

[WeDontLikeCricket]

I have named changed for this as I am on another section of this forum and very identifiable but have been on here for many years.

I have really messed up and dont know what to do.

DH and I have been having marriage issues for years, we get on very well, like spending time together and do lots of great things, we share mutual interests as a family so spend a lot of time together however we haven't had sex for several years since DH struggled with getting an erection (he is a fair bit older than me but not old enough it should be an issue I guess) and we have ended up in a rut of him being worried about it not happening and me not wanting to instigate anything in case it doesn't happen then both him and I feel awful about it. Sounds pathetic but as time has gone on it seems harder to address so we have ignored it. I don't not fancy him but I don't feel like I want to have sex anymore as it's been so long. I generally have a high sex drive though but I have accepted it's my life.

At our mutual interest we are heavily involved in the running of it, the kids are part of it and we are close friends with lots of the people. Its a very family feel generally, we all socialise together, there is lots of banter which can get flirty but generally openly so it's just a laugh between everyone.

Recently one of the people there has started to get a bit flirty towards me, we ended up chatting via message as we genuinely had to arrange some stuff but the conversation took a turn from his end, stupidly I did respond but it was just a joke from my end at first as he is so much younger than me so didn't take it seriously but it ended up more that that. It was pretty intense and I have no idea why I even responded, it is not me at at all, I have really strong feelings about if you have to hide something from your partner you have gone to far. There's no black and white for me until now.

Anyway this went on a while and ridiculously we met up and had sex. I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened, he is 28 and I am 41, I know I got caught up in the fact that someone was actually interested in me, I guess I am fairly up together but not anything special, any interest previously (not loads but the odd time over the years) I have completely ignored. I have no excuse whatsoever for this, it's not like we were drunk on a night out, we did this with very little thought for anyone and after we are both mortified about it. It definitely won't happen again but I can't even look at DH and god knows how I will face the OM next week.

I guess my question is do I tell DH, this will cause an enormous upset not only with my family but with all our friends, it would be a huge blow up that I want to avoid of course but is there any way forward with this without saying anything. It 100% is over, neither of us can deal with feeling this guilty. I know it's not about my feelings of course now.

I do know how awful it is, I don't need to be told this, I appreciate I don't deserve for anyone to be nice about this either, I woke up today actually in shock that I did it, I feel sick and on the verge of tears constantly, it makes me feel even more selfish as it makes it about me when I am feeling like this. I have told DH I am ill which he believes as I do suffer from regular migraines.

[quote WeDontLikeCricket]@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno he feels very guilty, he has made it clear he doesn't want anyone to know either. He has a partner and obviously he doesn't want to wreck my family, he has said whilst he has something to lose it is nothing compared to me.

We both made the decision to take things further, like I say, it's not like it was an 'accidental' meeting. Either of us could have stopped things, I am not sure how it became so intense so quickly, for me I know it was the attention and me feeling something I haven't had for so long, for him I guess it was just sex. No idea why he would be interested in me, especially with the catastrophic shit storm that could follow it.[/quote]
I'm sorry to say but he obviously thought with his dick and he will do it again. You need to keep away from him otherwise it will happen again even though you don't want it to. Especially if it was good

I'd missed the part that OM has a partner too... Holy fuck!

Were you safe with OM? Every possibility you're not the first desperate woman he's screwed behind his poor GF back...also you're not too old to get pregnant are you. Jeez what a mess!! He got you hook line and sinker didn't he... eye roll

It's normal, in an unhappy marriage, to feel no-one else would be interested in you, and to be grateful for anyone else's attention. That is what happened in my marriage too.

In my opinion, this is a sign there is something seriously wrong with your marriage. Otherwise, this wouldn't have happened. Whether you tell him or not isn't that important, I think, but you should take some steps to save the marriage. If you want to save it, that is.

@slashlover

The double standards on here. If a woman posted that she didn't want sex and her husband shagged someone else then it would be all LTB! and what a pig he was.

Absolutely this. It’s incredibly different and I’ll get that none of the “keep it a secret” posters would dare to post that on a thread the other way round!

@Bluedeblue

slashlover

The double standards on here. If a woman posted that she didn't want sex and her husband shagged someone else then it would be all LTB! and what a pig he was

Not true! I would tell her that she couldn't expect to not have sex with her DH and just hope that he would be fine with that. Any man or woman who ignores their Partner in the bedroom should expect that one day the Partner might look elsewhere for excitement.

I look forward to seeing you post that it’s ok a man shagged someone else and kept it secret because the woman couldn’t/wouldn’t have sex.

Not holding my breath

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno yes, he obviously was thinking with his dick.

@CookieClub this may well be true regarding getting me hook, line and sinker but I think that pushes a lot of blame onto him, I should be capable of making better decisions. We were careful so no issue there. I have no idea if he has done it before, probably has but I get the feeling not in a situation like this where a family is involved.

No idea why he would be interested in me, especially with the catastrophic shit storm that could follow it

Years of neglect have worn down your self esteem. OM fancied you, you're just so used to not being fancied.

Every possibility you're not the first desperate woman he's screwed behind his poor GF back

Very unnecessary CookieClub Op does not sound "desperate" whatsoever, she sounds like someone who has been neglected by her DH, for far too long. And this is how these things wind up happening. If her DH had been having regular sex with her, this never would have happened. Much of the blame is in his corner.

I have a friend who is male. His wife has not had sex with him for the past 20 years. He has been unfaithful to her a few times. Each time she found out, she was extremely hurt, angry, and miserable. The fall-out lasted many months each time. She got him to sign away his share in their house, and all his savings to her, so that he will be effectively ruined if she ever leaves him.

BUT... she never leaves him.

Ultimately, isn't SHE the one who wants to have her cake and eat it too? She wants the comfort and security of marriage, but without making any kind of allowance for her husband's sexual needs. (Not saying she should force herself to have sex, absolutely not, but in my opinion she could consider allowing him some other kind of... outlet.)

Anyway. Take whatever you will from this sad cautionary tale...

I look forward to seeing you post that it’s ok a man shagged someone else and kept it secret because the woman couldn’t/wouldn’t have sex

This is literally what I did say in my post.

@WeDontLikeCricket I didn't mean that disrespecting you. He obviously fancies you I just meant he's full of remorse now but when he sees you again, if you're alone, his dick rules his thinking and he coerces you into it again. Women are more emotional.

Very unnecessary CookieClub Op does not sound "desperate" whatsoever, she sounds like someone who has been neglected by her DH, for far too long. And this is how these things wind up happening. If her DH had been having regular sex with her, this never would have happened. Much of the blame is in his corner.
That should not be an excuse

From experience keeping a secret that like may end up causing you massive amounts of stress. I would tell your husband if I were you, if he forgives you it may be your chance to both start working on your sex life again

@Bluedeblue

No idea why he would be interested in me, especially with the catastrophic shit storm that could follow it

Years of neglect have worn down your self esteem. OM fancied you, you're just so used to not being fancied.

Every possibility you're not the first desperate woman he's screwed behind his poor GF back

Very unnecessary CookieClub Op does not sound "desperate" whatsoever, she sounds like someone who has been neglected by her DH, for far too long. And this is how these things wind up happening. If her DH had been having regular sex with her, this never would have happened. Much of the blame is in his corner.

Desperate in a sense of, desperate for sex. Couples can have tight relationships without having full penetrative sex, if their bond is otherwise true and close....intimate massages, fun, laughter, cuddles etc.

My point being...the OP can't change what she's done. But I stand by that her H has every right to know his loving wife has committed adultery and the OM just sounds like a snake for the fact he has a girlfriend too.
The fact they were messaging, anyone could've seen it coming a mile off...at that point OP should've realised she was crossing a boundary and shut it down - but she didn't, she chose to continue.

OP maybe some individual counselling would be of benefit, help you work on your issues and boundaries?

As I said, maybe my opinions seem harsh but having been on the receiving end of adultery, I have a lot of sympathy for your husbands heart.

Please please own up to him. People make mistakes, yes. But it's how they behave afterwards that defines the kind of person they are and who they want to be.
Posts on here will show that finding out about any secrets months, or years, after the event, adds another level of hurt and betrayal.

I honestly, hand on heart, wish my H had owned up immediately - yes, it would've hurt - but when I found out, through the grapevine, months later..it added so much more humiliation and despair..and I lost even more respect for him that he wasn't man enough to face up to his mistakes (which made me wonder if he was even remorseful)

@borntocry Totally agree with you. He deserves happiness with someone who can give him a whole relationship. Why on earth did he sign everything over!!

Stay quiet op. It's not going to happen again.

@Bluedeblue

Cheating is cowardly & disrespectful

Not touching your wife for several years, not trying Viagra or getting any help from the doctor for erectile disfunction, and generally leaving your wife to fester away in a sexless existence, is cowardly and disrespectful to the marriage.

Op is 41 and hasn't had sex with her DH for "several" years. So presumably, she was around 35 when she last had a shag. Is it reasonable to expect Op to go from 35 to 85 with absolutely no sex life? What kind of man wishes that on his wife? Op would have to be dead below the waist to want to live for FIFTY years without any intimacy. Let's get real!

Op, I wouldn't feel guilty whatsoever. It's not your fault that you got hooked in, your DH basically dumped you as a sexual partner several years ago. I wouldn't even call it cheating, you're not sleeping with 2 men at once. Your DH is just your flat mate at this point in time.

Not enough 🙄 for this.

She absolutely doesn't have to accept no sex, that's true. She can choose to end the relationship.

Cheating isn't the way.

And her DH isn't just a 'flat mate'. He's her husband. She made vows & commitments to him. If you want to change that situation, you tell the person.

BUT.

OP isn't saying all this herself! She doesn't feel good about cheating, wants to figure what to do and ideally wants to stay with her DH.

So your post isn't representative of the OP's actual situation & my reply is in relation to your post, rather than the OP's situation.

@EarringsandLipstick I don't think she thought it would happen. Wasn't premeditated.

[quote Myusernameisnotmyusernameno]@EarringsandLipstick I don't think she thought it would happen. Wasn't premeditated. [/quote]
Oh come on! She was obviously alone with him somewhere, so she met up with him after lots of [likely flirty] messages. She didn't have sex with him in public, surrounded by the hobby-lot, did she.

She went there with every intention of playing with fire..and now is shocked that she feels a bit guilty, because she got burnt.

Sorry but no remorse here. Personal experience and people make choices and need to take accountability for the consequences.

Of course it was premeditated! They were sexting, they arranged to meet up! Of course it was going to happen, it was planned!

@Bluedeblue

I look forward to seeing you post that it’s ok a man shagged someone else and kept it secret because the woman couldn’t/wouldn’t have sex

This is literally what I did say in my post.

On a thread where that’s the situation. You wont

Do you think sometimes what you say on a text is different in reality though. It's easy to flirt on a text but to actually meet and dtd is something else.

Gosh OP, I can really feel how remorseful you are and I really feel for you.

But the thing about secrets and lies is… they always have a way of coming out. Always. One way or another. Might not be in a month or a year but one day something will happen, a penny will drop and it will all come out.

You may think you will be able to just carry on with your life as if nothing has happened, you feel you have to because this is your ‘punishment’. But I promise you your husband will have noticed a change in you. He’ll have already noticed that something is bothering you. And when the big secret comes out down the road, he’ll remember this time when you were acting odd and realize why.

Look possibly if it were just you that had to keep a secret but there are just so many unknowns when there’s another party involved. He may confide in someone at some point in the future.

And do you really want to live the rest of your life with this guilt eating away at you?

There’s a million ways that this is going to end badly but it will end so so much worse if you don’t come clean now. If your husband finds out from a third party years down the road, imagine the betrayal he’ll feel. So much worse than if it had come from you straightaway. It’s not going to be a picnic of course but you can’t undo what you’ve done but you can make the right choices going forward.

@Bluedeblue no I am not desperate, I didn't really reply to that part of Cookie's post as I dont think it actually matters what I say. I obviously I miss sex but I haven't been trying it on with every young bloke I see in case someone will shag me. And yes I have felt really low about myself, put on weight in lockdown etc, just lost most of it last few weeks. I did ask him why he was interested and he said I was attractive, fun and had a good body, I don't feel any of those things, maybe fun but definitely not the others. What I don't know is why he would be interested in me when he has a 20-something GF.

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno I totally think he was thinking with his dick, if either of us were thinking with our brains beforehand it wouldn't have happened.

@CookieClub it was 100% premeditated, no other way to describe it, not a drunken night out, not at first, we were chatting because we had something to discuss that was to do with the hobby, the conversation changed and it happened after lots of messages that had crossed way over the line, it was arranged. We can't try to make excuses for that. It definitely wasn't my intention for anything to happen in the first place though. I can't even explain it.

You need to tell him. You might think the OM won’t say anything but what if his gf finds out? She might already be suspicious if this isn’t the first time he’s cheated. Then you risk your DH finding out through her.

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno I don't really think either of us thought it would actually end up meeting up, talking about it is one thing, actually doing it is another, it escalated so quickly from a few messages to hundreds a day, it was very full on. We made the decision to meet up out of the blue and were so caught up in it all didn't stop to consider anything else. However, it's not like we were on a night out, pissed and ended up being the last ones left.

This is why things are never black and white in the grown up world.

There are so many people on here who want to lynch those who cheat. So many people who label them all as fundamentally bad people. End of. They don't take the circumstances into account or the fact that are all only human and often make mistakes in life. Usually the judgey people are either those who have been burned by cheating themselves or those who have such simple easy marriages that the thought would never cross their mind. In any case, to pile on someone who is clearly incredibly remorseful is pointless and unhelpful.

Op I don't know the answer here. It depends what you can live with. The chances are that it won't come out but as pp said, when another party is involved nothing is ever certain and do you really want to live in uncertainty and fear?

That said, what do you truly think the outcome will be? Would there be any coming back for you and your dp?