I have really messed up

[WeDontLikeCricket]

I have named changed for this as I am on another section of this forum and very identifiable but have been on here for many years.

I have really messed up and dont know what to do.

DH and I have been having marriage issues for years, we get on very well, like spending time together and do lots of great things, we share mutual interests as a family so spend a lot of time together however we haven't had sex for several years since DH struggled with getting an erection (he is a fair bit older than me but not old enough it should be an issue I guess) and we have ended up in a rut of him being worried about it not happening and me not wanting to instigate anything in case it doesn't happen then both him and I feel awful about it. Sounds pathetic but as time has gone on it seems harder to address so we have ignored it. I don't not fancy him but I don't feel like I want to have sex anymore as it's been so long. I generally have a high sex drive though but I have accepted it's my life.

At our mutual interest we are heavily involved in the running of it, the kids are part of it and we are close friends with lots of the people. Its a very family feel generally, we all socialise together, there is lots of banter which can get flirty but generally openly so it's just a laugh between everyone.

Recently one of the people there has started to get a bit flirty towards me, we ended up chatting via message as we genuinely had to arrange some stuff but the conversation took a turn from his end, stupidly I did respond but it was just a joke from my end at first as he is so much younger than me so didn't take it seriously but it ended up more that that. It was pretty intense and I have no idea why I even responded, it is not me at at all, I have really strong feelings about if you have to hide something from your partner you have gone to far. There's no black and white for me until now.

Anyway this went on a while and ridiculously we met up and had sex. I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened, he is 28 and I am 41, I know I got caught up in the fact that someone was actually interested in me, I guess I am fairly up together but not anything special, any interest previously (not loads but the odd time over the years) I have completely ignored. I have no excuse whatsoever for this, it's not like we were drunk on a night out, we did this with very little thought for anyone and after we are both mortified about it. It definitely won't happen again but I can't even look at DH and god knows how I will face the OM next week.

I guess my question is do I tell DH, this will cause an enormous upset not only with my family but with all our friends, it would be a huge blow up that I want to avoid of course but is there any way forward with this without saying anything. It 100% is over, neither of us can deal with feeling this guilty. I know it's not about my feelings of course now.

I do know how awful it is, I don't need to be told this, I appreciate I don't deserve for anyone to be nice about this either, I woke up today actually in shock that I did it, I feel sick and on the verge of tears constantly, it makes me feel even more selfish as it makes it about me when I am feeling like this. I have told DH I am ill which he believes as I do suffer from regular migraines.

I fail to see how your relationship come back from this OP. If that's the case I would spare your DH the heartache of telling him.

It’s never too late to act with integrity, and actually the psychological damage you can inflict on yourself (and by extension the whole family) by not doing so can be severe. The only people that wouldn’t apply to are genuine sociopaths which I do not believe for a second applies to the OP.

Surely a large part of the issue is - why should the OP get to be in control of so many other lives?

The OP has got no right to pretend she is the big cog in the machine and inevitably manipulate the lives of others, regardless of what their intentions may be for self or family preservation , or to avoid hurt.

The OP, like the rest of us, is not all that. She's not a god. She's not so good that she can usefully deceive, control all the moving parts and ensure the outcomes that are most happy for all. She needs to acknowledge that and now do what she can in present circumstances she is in, and act with integrity towards those she professes to love.

There are so many responses saying they feel it is better not to say anything, I am very much undecided however I do actually agree with the reasoning for telling DH.

I am going to take a few days to think everything through and take it from there.

Of course you tell him. Would be worse for him to find out off someone else, the truth always comes out.
I would want to know if my dp had sex with another women from him not someone else or the OW.

The other thing is that the OP's lover also has a girlfriend. His guilt may well get the better of him and lead him confess to her that he had brief affair including sex with an older woman. I get the sexual starvation in the relationship however there were other options that could've been taken.

Having read further updates, I still think you owe it to him to tell him. You've no respect for him atall, your marriage is a sham built on the pretence of hobbies and socialising with people you message hundreds of times and take your knickers off for.

I'm angry on your H behalf, because I've been on the receiving end of being treated like I didn't matter and I found out through the grape vine.

Accept your current marriage is dead. Not to say you can't work on it and improve things, but surely this is a wake-up call that things need desperate help.
You owe it to your H to be honest, you took vows and promised him you would be. You never know, maybe he'll turn around and say fair enough I've been shagging linda from accounts for years anyway.

But IMO you can't just act like this didn't happen, it'll eat away at you and your H is likely to find out because of how close you have done it to home.

Thank you all for your advice, even the stuff that is really hard to hear. It has really helped. I know what I need to do going forward now.

Please tell him, you owe him the dignity of the truth so he can make his own decision going forwards. It would completely humiliate him if he found out from someone else years down the line. I know you think this isn’t possible because the OM has ‘nothing to lose’ but all it takes is for his GF to find the messages or him to tell her through his own guilt and she could blow the whistle. I think your DH should hear it from your mouth first.

It is unreasonable of your DH to expect you to remain in a sexless marriage from your early 30s onwards. He really should have tried to seek help for this sooner. No excuse for cheating though and I’m appalled at how many on here have advised you don’t tell him. They definitely wouldn’t have said this if you were a man.

I feel some posters need a reminder that this is a real person with feelings in the screen and some posts are just vile. There's no need to be so graphic and harsh the OP feels shitty enough as it is.

I've been around a similar situation and have friends who have been the cheater and the cheated on and it was never as black and white as people think and not once was it a case of I want to fuck X and my partner doesn't matter.

Lay off the OP. She knows what she's done and she doesn't need kicking.

@SunshineCake Well said.

It’s a triggering topic for many, anyone who has been cheated on can find things like this bringing up extremely strong emotions. That said I do fall into the school of thought of not especially wanting to kick the OP when she’s down, but I’m also not one to deny others their strong views on this either.

Not interested in denying anyone their opinions, thy just can be done in a kinder way.

I certainly don't feel the need to attack the OP and I have more right to than some given my experience.

I'm not surprised at the vitriol though. I once posted when I was in a hellish time and got completely battered. If I hadn't have had children I would have tried to hurt myself badly as it hurt so much. I would never post for help now. There are too many unkind vicious posters just out to get their five minutes of feeling superior.

You absolutely should not tell him. But you do need to sort out your relationship with him. You need to figure out what you can live with long term, because you will be tempted again.

Thanks Moynomore, yes I definitely need to think long term, I really am hoping we can make it work. I know some posters on here are insistent that I don't but I have sorted a few things out today and definitely have a clearer head. I am 99.9% sure this will never come out, certainly not from or OM, obviously there are no guarantees but I'm as sure as I can be.

I do think some posters have been unnecessarily awful, there have been things that have been twisted/made up about what's happened and I have never tried to justify what I have done, I gave the background of the situation to explain what has been happening not to make excuses, I have never said it has given me a free pass to sleep with someone else.

I really don't understand the comment about my marriage being a sham based on pretence of hobbies etc, we have had a good marriage, albeit with not much sex but we have been happy, there is a lot more going on since covid started that I think has caused us to drift apart more also. I have messaged 1 person, over a short period of time recently, I haven't ever considered straying till now and haven't ever had to hide/delete a message from DH till now. This wasn't some big love affair, it was a bloody stupid thing to do though, I have no excuses or justification for it but can't take it back. It feels like it has happened to someone else.

I have read every response on here and whilst I do understand why telling him would be the right thing to do I just can't do it, the knock on effect is so huge and affects so many, I just can't do that. I have no idea what is going to happen going forward but I know that right now both OM and I want to work on our relationships so that is what we are going to do. Maybe it's selfish but if we do tell them then there is no chance of that for either of us. I have my kids to think about also.

I know I should have thought about all this before but I didn't, I can't take that back.

I truly appreciate everyone taking the time to comment, regardless of whether I wanted to hear it or not. I wasn't actually going to post again but the fact that people have bothered to offer advice and experiences made me feel like I should. I know my decision isn't what some will agree with but I have to do what I feel is right for my family. Neither OM or I are bad people but we have fucked up badly.

I feel sorry for you. When a marriage becomes sexless the partner who wants sex the most has an awful choice. Leave is what many say but people are humans and have affairs if there is sex but much more so if there isn’t.

Surely your partner would expect something like this to happen? He hasn’t had sex with you for years and you’re young. What on Earth is he expecting? He’s probably got his head buried in the sand like an ostrich.

Tell him so you can break up and you can find a more suitable partner for you. Life is short. Be happy

You have 2 big problems in your marriage. His ED and the lack of communication between you.

The ED is more straightforward. You both need to find out what causes it, if it can be fixed, if he wants to fix it and, if not, whether you can live without sex. I suspect that you can't, but that is for the pair of you to think about together.

The poor communication is a bigger issue. A relationship needs honest and open communication about all the big things in your lives. If you're unhappy, he needs to know it and you both need to discuss it - and vice versa. I can't believe he is happy either, yet, because its a difficult conversation, with potentially huge ramifications, you have both conspired together to avoid talking about it.

I think, if you really want to make this into a functioning relationship, you need to tell him. But don't start with the confession about the sex. Start with a discussion about how unhappy you are, about how worried you are bout the marriage, about how you want to make things better, about how much you love him and your children amd your lives together and how it is all at risk. You would hope that he would respond positively to that, and would want to work with you to make things better.

You both have to be brutally, but gently and kindly, honest with each other and with yourselves. It is easy to be good communicators when you only have good things to say; it's much harder when there's bad stuff going on. We want to protect each other and protect ourselves. But that defensiveness destroys relationships.

If you don't tell him, you will always have a big secret from him amd that will prevent you ever - EVER - being properly intimate with him. And a relationship with no intimacy is one that is not working and that just produces unhappiness. Life is too short. Be ambitious for both of you

@Weedoogie I very much doubt he is happy either, you are right though, we initially didn't talk about it as we didn't want to upset each other and it's just escalated.