I have really messed up

[WeDontLikeCricket]

I have named changed for this as I am on another section of this forum and very identifiable but have been on here for many years.

I have really messed up and dont know what to do.

DH and I have been having marriage issues for years, we get on very well, like spending time together and do lots of great things, we share mutual interests as a family so spend a lot of time together however we haven't had sex for several years since DH struggled with getting an erection (he is a fair bit older than me but not old enough it should be an issue I guess) and we have ended up in a rut of him being worried about it not happening and me not wanting to instigate anything in case it doesn't happen then both him and I feel awful about it. Sounds pathetic but as time has gone on it seems harder to address so we have ignored it. I don't not fancy him but I don't feel like I want to have sex anymore as it's been so long. I generally have a high sex drive though but I have accepted it's my life.

At our mutual interest we are heavily involved in the running of it, the kids are part of it and we are close friends with lots of the people. Its a very family feel generally, we all socialise together, there is lots of banter which can get flirty but generally openly so it's just a laugh between everyone.

Recently one of the people there has started to get a bit flirty towards me, we ended up chatting via message as we genuinely had to arrange some stuff but the conversation took a turn from his end, stupidly I did respond but it was just a joke from my end at first as he is so much younger than me so didn't take it seriously but it ended up more that that. It was pretty intense and I have no idea why I even responded, it is not me at at all, I have really strong feelings about if you have to hide something from your partner you have gone to far. There's no black and white for me until now.

Anyway this went on a while and ridiculously we met up and had sex. I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened, he is 28 and I am 41, I know I got caught up in the fact that someone was actually interested in me, I guess I am fairly up together but not anything special, any interest previously (not loads but the odd time over the years) I have completely ignored. I have no excuse whatsoever for this, it's not like we were drunk on a night out, we did this with very little thought for anyone and after we are both mortified about it. It definitely won't happen again but I can't even look at DH and god knows how I will face the OM next week.

I guess my question is do I tell DH, this will cause an enormous upset not only with my family but with all our friends, it would be a huge blow up that I want to avoid of course but is there any way forward with this without saying anything. It 100% is over, neither of us can deal with feeling this guilty. I know it's not about my feelings of course now.

I do know how awful it is, I don't need to be told this, I appreciate I don't deserve for anyone to be nice about this either, I woke up today actually in shock that I did it, I feel sick and on the verge of tears constantly, it makes me feel even more selfish as it makes it about me when I am feeling like this. I have told DH I am ill which he believes as I do suffer from regular migraines.

@isthismylifenow I am not sure that there's a bond with the OM other than just sexual attraction. It became a habit very quickly because of the number of messages there were, when I deleted them there were over 300 a day. I will not deny i am struggling right now without the contact but not because I care about him but because it felt good and from a selfish point of view I am now at a real low point. I dont know what else to say, no point in not being honest on here about it. Its so easy for others to judge on here but another day on and my head is so much clearer about the reasons behind it all, no excuses whatsoever.

@WeDontLikeCricket 10 times in 8-9 years! Wow. I can see how this happened.

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno thinking about it there was one time when we were on holiday just after he had the snip so we felt it would be a good time to reconnect as we said we should ensure he was all clear quickly, that was about 4 or 5 years ago. We were on holiday and it started well every day then the last two days he got so drunk we didn't then slipped back to normal again. The next weekend we said we would try again and he got really pissed again so we haven't bothered much since.

Bear in mind your feelings for the other man may be lust, limerence or whatever, but will cause you to see him the best possible light. He is at the end of the day a man who placed the immediate pleasure of an orgasm against the well being of another family and perhaps most importantly the children involved in it. Not even theoretical children but ones he can put names and faces to. That is pretty cold no matter how you slice it. I don’t know how affair partners somehow manage to think they out of the circle of people their paramour is willing to deceive. So I wouldn’t put a massive amount of faith in what his actions may or may not be in future based on what he says.

Maybe you are right and he’s fundamentally a lovely bloke, feeling very guilty. However his gf may well have picked up on a crucial shift in his behaviour as he’s carrying the guilt and is now on high alert, she may well be one snoop away from going through his phone/computer and this whole thing blows up in everyone’s faces.

There are frankly way too many moving parts for you to possibly predict and control how this all plays out. Right now it might be a guilty little secret between you and OM, but it’s only a tiniest of nudges away from being outside of your control entirely.

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” Tread carefully OP.

@dervel this is such a sensible post, in reality I can't guarantee anything with OM. I have known him a long time but I don't really know him. He did it so easily he could be doing it all the time, I dont get that impression but his guilt may only be because of my kids.

God there’s no way I could live with that. Every morning i’d wake up thinking “is today the day he finds out?” Too scared to leave my phone unattended. Terrified every time I went to the pub that someone would let something slip. Not worth it.

You mentioned your DH drinking. How much does he drink? Is he overweight?

Would doing other things besides PIV make you feel better and would he be willing to?

I hope he's willing to get serious about this.

He doesnt drink a lot but has no filter when he does. He was a good 2+ stone overweight, has lost a fair bit over the last years.

I am not sure, I think if he was willing to try it could help but for me PIV is a big deal. However if it meant we could get back on track I would be willing to try. I dont feel he has tried everything to resolve things though.

Delete everything from your phone. Watch OM delete everything from his phone, get an STD check and then, once in the clear, sit down and talk to DH about moving forward in your relationship. Do not tell him about the fling, there is nothing to be gained from it but you both need to address the elephant in the room.

If he doesn’t want to sort out the lack of sex then he may be happy for you to have sex with other men. He may not. I think at this point the difficult conversation should be had and you need to be realistic about how to move forward.

Haven't rtft but you need an STD test to be fair to your DH (in the event you have sex in the future).

We were careful. Would you still have an STD test?

Well that's clearly your choice but if I was entertaining the idea of staying with my spouse after I slept with someone else then I would do what I could not to cause further harm. Condoms aren't 100% effective.

It’s kind of the least you could for your husband OP, if you’re not going to tell him. Wouldn’t you want him to have an STD test if he cheated on you, even if he was ‘safe’?

I’m starting to think you’re not actually that remorseful, and are just posted to make yourself feel better about your decision to not tell him

NEWS FLASH

"Woman whose husband has not touched her for several years, decides to have sex with another man"

This is not your fault whatsoever. The only thing to be gained by telling your DH, is that it might give him the kick up the arse he needs to sort himself out and start having sex with you again. But, you know what, I just don't think he will bother. He will blame you for cheating, and you'll be made the villain of the piece.

Maybe look at it this way Op, if you had refused to sleep with your DH for the last 7 years, in the back of your mind, you would know that he might eventually fall in to an affair. Anyone thinking otherwise, must be dead below the waist.

@Wishihadanalgorithm I’m not sure by what right the OP can force the issue, re: OM’s phone what if he tells her to kick rocks? Furthermore what if he’s saved or screenshotted the originals in some way? The genie is out of the bottle here there is no way to force it back in. There will always be that sense of what if?

The whole foundation is cracked and that’s no way to live in the long term.

If a husband had an emotional affair including 300 texts a day to someone else's wife culminating in sex, pretty much everyone on here would be saying leave the bastard. Amazing how things change when shoes are on the other foot. Question is if your husband was texting another woman 300 times a day which concluded in having sex would you want to know? Of course you would, what about the other man does he have a partner or wife, children?

@AllyBama I have absolutely no idea how or why you would come to that conclusion TBH. I was asking as I have no issue doing it but we were safe so it was a genuine question.

@marineboy67 I genuinely don't know. 10 years ago I would, now I'm not so sure. If it was a one off, he wasn't in love then maybe I wouldn't. OM has a GF who lives with him.

If a husband had an emotional affair including 300 texts a day to someone else's wife culminating in sex, pretty much everyone on here would be saying leave the bastard

If the wife hadn't had any sex with her DH for SEVEN years, I would ask her what she expected to happen, and that her DH had been painfully patient. That him getting sex elsewhere was always going to happen, as she had withdrawn all affection.

If two people are married and one withdraws all intimacy, affection and sex, it is unrealistic to expect the dumped spouse to live out the rest of their lives in an enforced state of celibacy.

Question is if your husband was texting another woman 300 times a day which concluded in having sex would you want to know?

Virtually an impossible scenario, given that he can't get an erection, and appears to have zero libido.

[quote WeDontLikeCricket]@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep we do get on well, we have a lovely life, have loads of fun together. It sounds odd given what I have said but its like living with your best friend I guess. I do love him but its difficult to still love someone in the right way when there isn't any intimacy.

We are very close to our families and do lots with them. Our whole life is together, we do have a few separate close friends but our best friends are mutual (his friends).

Its not just a case of us not being together, its huge. I'm just not ready to give up. I dont know what I thought me sleeping with someone else would achieve, I didnt think though, thats the problem.[/quote]
This has told you that you should not live a marriage like this . I have been there and we ignored it and he is now my ex . I am much older than you but have a regular and loving sex life with my H and I realise how many years I wasted . You need to get this sorted or move on . Your H may find his mojo but with someone else !

@Bluedeblue thank you. I do know we should have both tried harder to sort things though regardless of the situation.

Thanks @MrsMaizel I do want to try and sort things but I now know I am not willing to have no sex life at all. I had convinced myself I was fine with it.

@Bluedeblue

If a husband had an emotional affair including 300 texts a day to someone else's wife culminating in sex, pretty much everyone on here would be saying leave the bastard

If the wife hadn't had any sex with her DH for SEVEN years, I would ask her what she expected to happen, and that her DH had been painfully patient. That him getting sex elsewhere was always going to happen, as she had withdrawn all affection.

If two people are married and one withdraws all intimacy, affection and sex, it is unrealistic to expect the dumped spouse to live out the rest of their lives in an enforced state of celibacy.

Yes. Which is why they should end the relationship in which they are not sexually satisfied.

If my partner stopped having sex with me I would discuss it, then if it didn't become compatible, I would leave him, not send a mutual acquaintance hundreds of messages a day for a period of time then shag them.

I was watching this morning the other day and it was the advice call in. She had same situation and the advice was not to tell him. As long as you know it will never ever happen again then don't tell him. I know you feel awful bit it will be so much worse if you tell him. It will have massive knock on effect on everyone else. It's just not worth it. Forgive yourself and move on you can't change it now .