I have really messed up

[WeDontLikeCricket]

I have named changed for this as I am on another section of this forum and very identifiable but have been on here for many years.

I have really messed up and dont know what to do.

DH and I have been having marriage issues for years, we get on very well, like spending time together and do lots of great things, we share mutual interests as a family so spend a lot of time together however we haven't had sex for several years since DH struggled with getting an erection (he is a fair bit older than me but not old enough it should be an issue I guess) and we have ended up in a rut of him being worried about it not happening and me not wanting to instigate anything in case it doesn't happen then both him and I feel awful about it. Sounds pathetic but as time has gone on it seems harder to address so we have ignored it. I don't not fancy him but I don't feel like I want to have sex anymore as it's been so long. I generally have a high sex drive though but I have accepted it's my life.

At our mutual interest we are heavily involved in the running of it, the kids are part of it and we are close friends with lots of the people. Its a very family feel generally, we all socialise together, there is lots of banter which can get flirty but generally openly so it's just a laugh between everyone.

Recently one of the people there has started to get a bit flirty towards me, we ended up chatting via message as we genuinely had to arrange some stuff but the conversation took a turn from his end, stupidly I did respond but it was just a joke from my end at first as he is so much younger than me so didn't take it seriously but it ended up more that that. It was pretty intense and I have no idea why I even responded, it is not me at at all, I have really strong feelings about if you have to hide something from your partner you have gone to far. There's no black and white for me until now.

Anyway this went on a while and ridiculously we met up and had sex. I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened, he is 28 and I am 41, I know I got caught up in the fact that someone was actually interested in me, I guess I am fairly up together but not anything special, any interest previously (not loads but the odd time over the years) I have completely ignored. I have no excuse whatsoever for this, it's not like we were drunk on a night out, we did this with very little thought for anyone and after we are both mortified about it. It definitely won't happen again but I can't even look at DH and god knows how I will face the OM next week.

I guess my question is do I tell DH, this will cause an enormous upset not only with my family but with all our friends, it would be a huge blow up that I want to avoid of course but is there any way forward with this without saying anything. It 100% is over, neither of us can deal with feeling this guilty. I know it's not about my feelings of course now.

I do know how awful it is, I don't need to be told this, I appreciate I don't deserve for anyone to be nice about this either, I woke up today actually in shock that I did it, I feel sick and on the verge of tears constantly, it makes me feel even more selfish as it makes it about me when I am feeling like this. I have told DH I am ill which he believes as I do suffer from regular migraines.

I would want to know so I could make an informed decision about how I wanted the relationship to move forward (or not). Your OH has not made much effort to address his issues from the sounds of it and this could be the big kick up the butt he needs to deal with it NOT that what you did was in any way excusable but it is quite an extreme situation and obviously can no longer just be ignored. Tell him you haven't coped with the situation and you've handled it in the worst way but you want to try to get things back on track if he can in time forgive you and is willing to put as much effort in as you are.

This could tear you apart or be the making of you but IMO he should now get to make that decision not you.

Wont it feel awkward at this group everytime you see the OM wont anyone pick up on it-what if it gets too much for him and he is the one who confesses

You should tell your husband. You cheated and that is disrespectful so now you have to face the consequences of your actions whatever they may be. Also stuff like this always ends up coming out one way or another.

Surprised at people’s responses because if this was a man the responses would be very different. It’s not okay to cheat on anyone, doesn’t matter if it was once or an affair.

I wouldn’t say anything, as you’ve said it’s not going to happen again and you’re sure the OM won’t say anything.
But I think you and your husband do need to address the ED / sex issues again, as it’s clear that’s what caused this to happen.

@whynotwhatknot I think the awkwardness will be awful, of course. I have no idea if people would pick up on it, I haven't really considered that. I don't really want to speak to OM at the moment but either way I will have to now.

Double standards. Isn't this the point where DH should be getting full facts, ducks in a row and an STD sheck? Also, per usual responses - you should have told him about not wanting to live in a sexeless marriage BEFORE bed hopping.

I'm not sure what I would do in this particular situation, but the thread is very disappointing. I might link this thread to every cheater - LTB - thread for... balance of opinions 🤷‍♂️

@willsa I appreciate your thoughts, I guess some people's lives aren't black and white but it's not how I wanted to deal with things, I have always said that I don't understand why people don't address issues first before it gets to affairs. I can't excuse myself, I know that. You are right that there are double standards on here, perhaps posters should think about it the other way round on those sorts of threads and answer more truthfully.

I may have been one of those people saying LTB, I never in a million years thought it would be me posting something like this.

I think op, unconsciously you did this because you knew something had to change and maybe you hoped that the answer would appear.

Being in a mostly sexless relationship since your 30s when your DH won't talk about it or address it really isn't on.

Have you considered splitting up or separating?

It seems to me that you are suffering a lot more angst and regret than this merits. So you shared your body with an OM on one occasion -so what?

Jesus H. Christ.
I’ve read some claptrap on here over the years, but this takes the biscuit.

If a man posted to say he’d fucked a woman 13 years with her than him because his wife wasn’t having enough sex with it, would you say “it’s alright, you just shared your penis with someone, no harm, don’t even worry about it”?

OP has cheated on her husband.
She planned on doing so.
She is trying to justify it since her first post.
She runs the risk of her teenage children finding out all the gory details.
She is risking breaking up her family.

I know you say it absolutely won't happen again....please brace yourself for a repeat (once the feelings of guilt have subsided) OM may flirt again, feelings may begin to stir etc. It's never just a once off no matter how determined you are to draw I line under it. This is how affairs happen - you think you're scratching the itch just once.

Tell your husband. He has a right to know that you are sneaking about behind his back and sleeping with men in their 20’s.

Keep your mouth shut. Sort your marriage problems out. You feel terrible- yes. This is now your burden of guilt to live with.

If you can't live with it, you'll have to tell him, and face the consequences.

Imho this is not the worst thing in the world to have done, you are not a terrible person, you got carried away and made a crap decision and now you live with it, as adults do.

Sounds like an emotional affair turned physical, to me.

Like you say, a ONS is a chance meeting that ends in the sack, with a stranger. Much easier to 'hide.'

I am the spouse of someone that done exactly what you have done - shagged someone known to me, and in our friendship group. My spouse kept silent about it..but the guilt ate away at him and I knew something was wrong, but couldn't work out what. Anyway I found out, because the woman didn't keep her mouth shut and too many mutual friends found out...It absolutely crushed me and me and H separated.

IMO, you owe it to your H to tell him. Not only for his sake, but for the fact you need to take accountability for the fact you are clearly unhappy with the lack of sex within your marriage.

I'm shocked at the amount of posters that recommend you stay silent - I'm sure it would be very different if mumsnet found out a Husband shagged a mutual friend behind a womans back and didn't admit to it.

Also, were you safe?
My spouse wasn't - and he continued to put me at risk of STI's for months afterwards...for me, that was the bit that showed his lack of respect for me, over his willing to cover his own arse - vile.

Do the right thing. Tell your husband, and either work on your marriage [he can see a doctor for ED you know, it doesn't have to mean no sex ever again] or let him find someone that treats him better.

@willsa

Double standards. Isn't this the point where DH should be getting full facts, ducks in a row and an STD sheck? Also, per usual responses - you should have told him about not wanting to live in a sexeless marriage BEFORE bed hopping.

I'm not sure what I would do in this particular situation, but the thread is very disappointing. I might link this thread to every cheater - LTB - thread for... balance of opinions 🤷‍♂️

Why would he need an STD check if they're not having sex?

You cheated.
You’re minimising, blaming your partners ED
You’re distancing yourself from people who have affairs, asking how they carry these lies on.
But you’re still lying to your DH by pretending you’re sick.
So you are getting sympathy for your guilt, from the person you wronged. Which is pretty disgusting.
Your comments are mostly about what the OM will lose - as though you are putting him ahead of your DH.
You are now considering speaking to the OM, thereby continuing your secret intimate relationship with him behind your DH’s back.

It’s all really appalling behaviour. You know why you cheated. You will do it again, despite what you think. You are too young to commit to a life without sex and intimacy, so you need to have an OPEN and HONEST discussion with your DH about the issues/consequences/remedies of your marriage.

Can you be 100% sure that the other man won't say anything?

There is no way this could get out?

If so, then yes, I'd keep it quiet.

You ‘jokingly’ responded to his text…I think you wanted to see where this would lead…and I believe you wanted it to end up exactly where it did…in bed. You arranged to meet him with this in mind, and now you’re feeling bad about it and scared your husband/his partner/your kids/the club members all find out. All this faux innocence about you don’t know how this could’ve happened doesn’t wash. It happened because you both made it happen.

[quote WeDontLikeCricket]@justanotherneighinparadise I just can't see how he will tell anyone but I may be being naive about it all TBH.[/quote]
Because this shit eats away at people and they confide in a close friend who tells someone else who tells your husband. It happens all the time.

I’d have to tell him, my morals wouldn’t allow me to lie to my partner about an affair.

Agree with PPs the double standards on here for men and women are astounding.

@Nicolastuffedone

You ‘jokingly’ responded to his text…I think you wanted to see where this would lead…and I believe you wanted it to end up exactly where it did…in bed. You arranged to meet him with this in mind, and now you’re feeling bad about it and scared your husband/his partner/your kids/the club members all find out. All this faux innocence about you don’t know how this could’ve happened doesn’t wash. It happened because you both made it happen.

This 100%.

Someone commited to their husband wouldn't be flirting with anyone else, regardless of the marriage being sexless or not.

I hope you DH finds out. He deserves better.

@Derbee I dont think I'm minimising or blaming his ED. It was part of the background which is why I mentioned it. I know its all my doing. Not really sure what to say

I only mentioned what OM could lose in response to people saying he may tell people. I am not putting him above DH, that's the truth. Only reason I would need to speak to him is if/when I tell DH he needs to know that IMO.

I couldn't live with this, the relationship would never be the same again. The guilt and this huge lie would erode it for me. Your DH doesn't deserve this, and even less so being lied to until the end of time.

Tell him, face the consequences of you actions.

Do not say anything.
But you need to sort out the sex issue.
I've cheated and been cheated on. In the great scheme of things there was always an issue with sex that pushed us to it.

Your relationship is already over.

In my opinion you have 3 options

1. Continue to be a liar and a cheat. Continue your marriage as a sham.

1. Be protective, end the marriage never telling DH about the affair.

1. Be truthful, tell DH and decide together what your new relationship will be or not be.

@Nicolastuffedone genuinely not at first, the banter between all of us socially is often a few innuendos, never anything taken as serious its just how it is at this hobby, hard to explain. I allowed it to continue and could have stopped it at any point. No faux innocence at all as not innocent in it whatsoever. It happened because we wanted it to, I don't know his deeper reasons TBH other than he said he found me attractive, but I know mine, it was about sex and that's it, pathetic I know, I just mean that we took it to a physical relationship and I am now looking back in shock at the whole situation. It happened over a very short space of time, there are no excuses and my feelings are nothing compared to what DHs feelings will be.

Maybe he does deserve better, but then maybe so do I. We have discussed the issues in the past, he has been to the doctor but nothing has changed. Thats not an excuse for looking elsewhere but maybe I also deserve more, preferably with DH. This most definitely wasn't the right way of achieving that.