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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have really messed up

243 replies

WeDontLikeCricket · 11/06/2021 09:11

I have named changed for this as I am on another section of this forum and very identifiable but have been on here for many years.

I have really messed up and dont know what to do.

DH and I have been having marriage issues for years, we get on very well, like spending time together and do lots of great things, we share mutual interests as a family so spend a lot of time together however we haven't had sex for several years since DH struggled with getting an erection (he is a fair bit older than me but not old enough it should be an issue I guess) and we have ended up in a rut of him being worried about it not happening and me not wanting to instigate anything in case it doesn't happen then both him and I feel awful about it. Sounds pathetic but as time has gone on it seems harder to address so we have ignored it. I don't not fancy him but I don't feel like I want to have sex anymore as it's been so long. I generally have a high sex drive though but I have accepted it's my life.

At our mutual interest we are heavily involved in the running of it, the kids are part of it and we are close friends with lots of the people. Its a very family feel generally, we all socialise together, there is lots of banter which can get flirty but generally openly so it's just a laugh between everyone.

Recently one of the people there has started to get a bit flirty towards me, we ended up chatting via message as we genuinely had to arrange some stuff but the conversation took a turn from his end, stupidly I did respond but it was just a joke from my end at first as he is so much younger than me so didn't take it seriously but it ended up more that that. It was pretty intense and I have no idea why I even responded, it is not me at at all, I have really strong feelings about if you have to hide something from your partner you have gone to far. There's no black and white for me until now.

Anyway this went on a while and ridiculously we met up and had sex. I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened, he is 28 and I am 41, I know I got caught up in the fact that someone was actually interested in me, I guess I am fairly up together but not anything special, any interest previously (not loads but the odd time over the years) I have completely ignored. I have no excuse whatsoever for this, it's not like we were drunk on a night out, we did this with very little thought for anyone and after we are both mortified about it. It definitely won't happen again but I can't even look at DH and god knows how I will face the OM next week.

I guess my question is do I tell DH, this will cause an enormous upset not only with my family but with all our friends, it would be a huge blow up that I want to avoid of course but is there any way forward with this without saying anything. It 100% is over, neither of us can deal with feeling this guilty. I know it's not about my feelings of course now.

I do know how awful it is, I don't need to be told this, I appreciate I don't deserve for anyone to be nice about this either, I woke up today actually in shock that I did it, I feel sick and on the verge of tears constantly, it makes me feel even more selfish as it makes it about me when I am feeling like this. I have told DH I am ill which he believes as I do suffer from regular migraines.

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 11/06/2021 10:18

If you were 100% sure that the your husband would never find out, then just keep quiet about it, but if the OM is in your circle of friends (your post suggests he is ) then I think you will have to tell your husband sooner rather then later as it’s bound to come out at some point, that’s what I would want if I was in your husband’s shoes.

VodselForDinner · 11/06/2021 10:20

I messed up my last post thanks to autocorrect so will try again-

I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened

Don’t tell him.

You’re not being honest with yourself, so there’s no way you can be honest with him.

billy1966 · 11/06/2021 10:23

OP,

There is nothing to be gained by dropping a bomb in your life for a skirmish.

Do NOT breathe a word about this.

I would say the same to a man.

You made a mistake, accept it, and move on.

IMO people who come clean for such a stupid mistake, very quickly deeply regret their honesty.

It devatates their partner whom they love and want to remain married to.

Do NOT repeat this mustake.

If you do decide to tell him, you need to be fully prepared that he ends your marriage and never forgives you.
Is that what you want?

If you don't want your relationship ruined, say nothing.

Clear your phone of ALL conversatuon NOW.

Flowers
noirchatsdeux · 11/06/2021 10:23

Well you do know why it happened - you are only 41 and you still want a sex life. Which in itself is not unreasonable. You don't state in your opening post if your husband has taken any steps to deal with his erectile dysfunction - has he even seen his GP about it? If you want your marriage to continue you need to address the elephant in the room and tell your husband he needs to get help as you want a sex life.

When I was 38 and married my then husband had a physical problem (not erectile) that made sex extremely painful for him - it was something that could have been easily solved with a small operation. I had previously had cancer so couldn't take hormonal birth control or have an IUD fitted...and with his problem he couldn't put condoms on properly...one spilt and I ended up pregnant, even after taking the morning after pill. As neither of us wanted children I had a termination. Ex husband still refused to get the problem seen to, so our sex life stalled. I ended having an affair and ended our marriage.

Even if you don't tell your husband and he doesn't find out, this problem is not likely to just go away. You've opened Pandora's Box, your desire for sex is now out. Do you really want to go back to a sexless life?

Nicolastuffedone · 11/06/2021 10:25

Does the man you cheated with have a partner? Because on MN you usually have to let the wife know, because if you’re the wife, you’d always want to know and the cheated on partner is obliged to change the locks, throw your stuff in bin bags and leave them outside the front door. The double standards on here are sickening.

Original poster
WeDontLikeCricket · 11/06/2021 10:25

Yes to all the people who have said to tell him. I am not worrying about the effect for me if I told him, I could cope with whatever happened in my marriage and would 100% take the blame, it is the catastrophic effect on our DCs, the mutual friends and the fact that the OM would probably lose his job (part time but still a big part of his life due to the type of work). It is so selfish of me to have done this, it would have been so easy to have ignored the initial messages.

OP posts:
adeleh · 11/06/2021 10:25

I would not tell him. He will be desperately hurt for what was a mistake that will never be repeated. It’s not the same as if you were planning to leave him or engaged in a long term relationship.
I would, I think, genuinely prefer not to know if my husband had done this once only. It’s irreversible, very painful trauma.

Annasgirl · 11/06/2021 10:26

HI OP,

I think there are major issues in your marriage and I honestly cannot understand why you are still there. You are effectively saying that yo have had no sex with your DH since you were 30 and you are now 41. I know you have been in relationships since you were 20 so perhaps you are scared to change, but honestly, you get one life on this earth, you are in your prime - so you really want to say no to sex for the rest of your life?

And your mind is telling you that you want sex - you had sex with a man from your club. I think the potential for you to go on and have an even more damaging affair remains if you do not sort out your marriage. If your DH keep ignoring things - then perhaps it is time to say goodbye and move on without any further chance of you hurting him. And BTW - you are also hurting from 11 years of no sex. So you are well within your rights to walk away.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 11/06/2021 10:28

Surely this has demonstrated that you can't live without sex for the rest of your life and you need to address the issue head on
Like it or not we are animals and we have unconscious drives to have sex. Sure, we can make choices not to but your actions are showing that you are a sexual being and suppressing your sexual side won't work.
I'm sorry that's a scary thought as it does mean thinking hard about your marriage but it has to be done. Pretending this didn't happen and swallowing the secret won't work.

Original poster
WeDontLikeCricket · 11/06/2021 10:34

@JustAnotherOldMan yes he is in the group, we only socialise with him at this mutual interest but have known him about 9 years.

@VodselForDinner I guess i meant by that is that I am shocked by myself, obviously I know why it happened, I was being selfish and just thinking about my needs. Regardless of whether DH wants to/can have sex with me, this one is on me not him. One of my concerns about telling him is that he will think it's his fault.

@noirchatsdeux no this has definitely brought the problem to the forefront, it HAS to be addressed now as clearly I do not want to live without sex.

@Nicolastuffedone he has a partner that he lives with, not married no DCs. I won't be telling her in the same way he won't be telling my DH. I agree there are double standards on here. I am not asking to be an exception, I just am asking for advice on my situation.

OP posts:
WhySoSensitive · 11/06/2021 10:35

I would tell him.

I’m shocked how many people say not to, you have cheated. Broken trust and connection with your husband.

suggestionsplease1 · 11/06/2021 10:39

There's lots of things in relationships that you can't easily control / regulate - such as feelings, attraction, sex drive, but I think you can always choose to respect the person that you're with by bringing honesty to them. You're always in control of your ability to tell the truth.

A lot of people will say, o don't tell, it's hurtful, or whatever. But doing that is to put yourself in a position of power over your partner - you get to regulate his access to information that will allow him to work out what is best for him next (and for you both to work out together in partnership what is best next).

It's undermining, infantilising and humiliating to him to effectively say: 'I'm going to allow you to continue living your life without access to a vital bit of knowledge which impacts you".

copperpotsalot · 11/06/2021 10:40

I don't understand why the OM would lose his job?

I'm in the keep quiet camp. Telling him would alleviate your guilt but cause him immeasurable pain which would be selfish.

Original poster
WeDontLikeCricket · 11/06/2021 10:40

I understand that @WhySoSensitive however is it not also right to consider the full extent of disclosure in this situation? We would be devastating at minimum 4 lives excluding ourselves, in reality many more, as well as my childrens future at what is a huge part of their lives and is likely to be for the rest of their lives. This is not to saying I 100% won't say anything but these are my reservations with it all. It feels like it is selfish to tell him just to stop me feeling guilty so my reasons for telling him have to be for the good of the whole sitation.

OP posts:
copperpotsalot · 11/06/2021 10:41

And yes, I would 100% rather not know if this had happened in my relationship. I would expect my partner to us with as a wake up call to sort out our problems though

Original poster
WeDontLikeCricket · 11/06/2021 10:43

@copperpotsalot if I say too much more it could be too outing. He does paid work within our mutual interest, I know from things in the past that they will not stand for him doing something like this so they just won't use him anymore. He works with my kids as well as other kids. It's just not the done thing.

OP posts:
lemmein · 11/06/2021 10:48

100% do not tell him.

If my DH did something similar I wouldn't want to know - unless it was a continued affair, or he'd fallen for the OW.

No good can come from telling him - just move on, accept you've made a mistake and sort out your relationship if you can.

VodselForDinner · 11/06/2021 10:50

I was being selfish and just thinking about my needs

You still are.

Everything you post reads like The Script. You’re deflecting and making excuses. You’ve spun this so that keeping quiet seems like the right thing to do and you’re the nice one watching out for others and making sure that they don’t get upset. You’re painting yourself as a caring wife and mother. Your narrative is now that you don’t want to be selfish by ruining all the lives of those around you.

You’re acting like you’re some sort of support character in your own life and this is just a situation that’s been foisted upon you.

It’s bullshit. You know it is.

moynomore · 11/06/2021 10:51

I would keep quiet, but honestly think about whether or not this is likely to happen again. Given your relationship with your husband, if nothing changes, it is 100% going to happen again. Maybe not with this OM, but with someone else. You need to address the issues with your DH.

BeachWaves2 · 11/06/2021 10:51

I'm sorry but I think you should have thought about the people that would get hurt from this before you jumped into bed with a man 13 years younger than you.
How would you feel if it was him that went and shagged a woman 13 years younger than him.. Would you rather he didn't tell you and carry on going as a family to the group hobby thing with the other woman there.. It's just humiliating

moynomore · 11/06/2021 10:52

And I would not want to know if my DH did something like this. I really wouldn't. But I would expect him to be open with me about how he is feeling re the lack of intimacy etc.

blackice · 11/06/2021 10:54

Do not tell him

JustAnotherOldMan · 11/06/2021 10:59

@WeDontLikeCricket
In that case I would suggest you need tell your husband pretty soon ( next few days), and see what the response is, before he finds out via the friendship gossip grapevine, as that would probably be instant marriage over territory, and these kinda things do generally get out…

tentosix · 11/06/2021 11:01

Speak to the OM. Tell him it was a mistake which won't be repeated and ask him never to tell anyone. He is the leaky sieve I'm afraid and it may get out because he told someone. Either way you have to deal with it then.

Meanwhile do not tell DH. Live with the guilt and don't offload it onto DH thinking honesty is the best policy. It will blow up in your face. Don't think by sharing the secret with him he will thank you. Leave him in peace and hope the OM is discreet. You did the deed, it's your burden to carry.

Diddumz · 11/06/2021 11:07

@WeDontLikeCricket

Good question...

I'm making some big decisions at the moment about changing my career to a better paid job.

At the moment, I can't afford to separate...