I have really messed up

[WeDontLikeCricket]

I have named changed for this as I am on another section of this forum and very identifiable but have been on here for many years.

I have really messed up and dont know what to do.

DH and I have been having marriage issues for years, we get on very well, like spending time together and do lots of great things, we share mutual interests as a family so spend a lot of time together however we haven't had sex for several years since DH struggled with getting an erection (he is a fair bit older than me but not old enough it should be an issue I guess) and we have ended up in a rut of him being worried about it not happening and me not wanting to instigate anything in case it doesn't happen then both him and I feel awful about it. Sounds pathetic but as time has gone on it seems harder to address so we have ignored it. I don't not fancy him but I don't feel like I want to have sex anymore as it's been so long. I generally have a high sex drive though but I have accepted it's my life.

At our mutual interest we are heavily involved in the running of it, the kids are part of it and we are close friends with lots of the people. Its a very family feel generally, we all socialise together, there is lots of banter which can get flirty but generally openly so it's just a laugh between everyone.

Recently one of the people there has started to get a bit flirty towards me, we ended up chatting via message as we genuinely had to arrange some stuff but the conversation took a turn from his end, stupidly I did respond but it was just a joke from my end at first as he is so much younger than me so didn't take it seriously but it ended up more that that. It was pretty intense and I have no idea why I even responded, it is not me at at all, I have really strong feelings about if you have to hide something from your partner you have gone to far. There's no black and white for me until now.

Anyway this went on a while and ridiculously we met up and had sex. I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened, he is 28 and I am 41, I know I got caught up in the fact that someone was actually interested in me, I guess I am fairly up together but not anything special, any interest previously (not loads but the odd time over the years) I have completely ignored. I have no excuse whatsoever for this, it's not like we were drunk on a night out, we did this with very little thought for anyone and after we are both mortified about it. It definitely won't happen again but I can't even look at DH and god knows how I will face the OM next week.

I guess my question is do I tell DH, this will cause an enormous upset not only with my family but with all our friends, it would be a huge blow up that I want to avoid of course but is there any way forward with this without saying anything. It 100% is over, neither of us can deal with feeling this guilty. I know it's not about my feelings of course now.

I do know how awful it is, I don't need to be told this, I appreciate I don't deserve for anyone to be nice about this either, I woke up today actually in shock that I did it, I feel sick and on the verge of tears constantly, it makes me feel even more selfish as it makes it about me when I am feeling like this. I have told DH I am ill which he believes as I do suffer from regular migraines.

Given what the advice was on TM this week I'd agree with not telling. Especially if you aren't going to do it again. Btw age has nothing to do with ED. I've experience of someone in their 30's have difficulties.

You need to tell him so that he can decide what to do.

I can get back on track with him without him knowing something is wrong.

This is the bit that would concern me. It's very personal though.

I know that I couldn't. It would somehow come out in my demeanour / behaviour.

If I'm honest, I feel that your DH deserves to know. It's a massive breach of trust, it's not one I can accept.

However, you can only make the decision that's right for you.

Don't tell him. By telling him you are off loading your guilt and bad feelings onto him. You would feel better but he would feel wretched. Telling him is selfish. This assumes you want to stay with him. I don't say don't tell him for your sake but for his. You have to learn to live with the guilt for your mistake. Don't hurt him for it.

@sunnyblackwidow

I know you say it absolutely won't happen again....please brace yourself for a repeat (once the feelings of guilt have subsided) OM may flirt again, feelings may begin to stir etc. It's never just a once off no matter how determined you are to draw I line under it. This is how affairs happen - you think you're scratching the itch just once.

This was my first thought too. I think OP is in shock and now justifying her feelings of remorse. This will fade, and then what?

@Blankspace101

Tell your husband. He has a right to know that you are sneaking about behind his back and sleeping with men in their 20’s.

One man.

Your dh has a right to know so he can make an informed decision about whether to stay or leave the marriage. Lying gives you the power meaning your marriage becomes unequal. You will be lying by omission every single day.

My h hid his ONS for almost a decade and it almost killed me when I discovered it. Firstly because it is the ultimate betrayal and secondly knowing the majority of my marriage has been a sham. We had dc, celebrated events, went on holidays in that period when he was being deceitful. I cannot bear to look at photographs taken over this period.

It is beyond cruel to withhold such information. You are controlling the narrative so you can achieve your desired outcome. So your world will not be impacted upon.

I thought this too. First time I cheated I was absolutely crippled with guilt but that subsided and it became more a feeling of... oh, well I got away with it once so....

But we can't know what OP will do and I think in this instance if it is just once she should keep quiet

@sunnyblackwidow @Srslydontgiveacrap i genuinely hadn't considered this before it was mentioned on this thread, I guess it is not possible to answer that at this stage.

@slashlover

The double standards on here. If a woman posted that she didn't want sex and her husband shagged someone else then it would be all LTB! and what a pig he was.

This. Some of these posters are so hypocritical. If roles were revised there would be no excuses made. You had no excuse OP, you wanted to have sex with someone who was not your husband and you did. Yes your husband should know so he can choose if he wants to continue your relationship.

I'm sure you have posted about this very recently as i remember reading it. However from memory you had met for a walk but then both agreed it was becoming more inappropriate friendship but when you saw him again at your shared 'hobby' he was being super flirty again so you were agonising then if you should tell your husband. I'm assuming you ignored all the advise then and have resumed contact which has ended in sex?

@Jonjojobs123 No that wasn't me, we have only ever seen each other at the hobby previously to this.

OP, it's interesting seeing the range of views here.

I think you are being as honest as you can be on this thread. I'm not judging you.

But the bit that I find hard to understand and that does sound like The Script is your line:

I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened

If a man came on here & said that he'd be slaughtered.

Because it isn't true. You know exactly how it happened, you've described the way it built to ultimately having sex.

To me, it seems like you are trying to put the genie back in the bottle. But you can't.

Your relationship was in trouble before. The issues with ED are significant.

I think what matters most is now behaving with integrity and honesty. Not telling your DH is completely deceitful, regardless if you are doing it for good reason, to repair your relationship.

I can't see it will work. The bedrock of a relationship is honesty. You will always know the truth, and your DH won't. Any repair will be superficial.

I know that disclosure causes pain for many. That's unfortunate but not meaning to sound preachy, that's the price that is paid for the decisions you & OM made.

Ultimately it has to be what is right for you personally though. All of that is through my own prism, and different people view these matters differently as we see from the replies.

I don't blame you. Are you expected to be celibate and never have any sexual urges ever again? Your DH needs to sort his shit out.

@Bluedeblue

I don't blame you. Are you expected to be celibate and never have any sexual urges ever again? Your DH needs to sort his shit out.

Seriously??

I don't often subscribe to the oft-mentioned 'double-standards' on MN but this totally is.

If OP was unhappy, she is free to end the relationship.

Cheating is cowardly & disrespectful.

(In fairness, OP is not using this as an excuse).

@EarringsandLipstick I agree, that probably wasn't the best comment, I think I just meant I am in shock and I just cannot believe I have done it. I clearly wanted it, and made it happen. I was just sat here this morning thinking WTF have I done, how on earth have I allowed myself to do this. It honestly feels like I am talking about someone else. I got caught up in the thrill and rather than it shocking me into thinking, shit I need to stop this and sort out my marriage I went along with it all.

slashlover

The double standards on here. If a woman posted that she didn't want sex and her husband shagged someone else then it would be all LTB! and what a pig he was

Not true! I would tell her that she couldn't expect to not have sex with her DH and just hope that he would be fine with that. Any man or woman who ignores their Partner in the bedroom should expect that one day the Partner might look elsewhere for excitement.

I think it is unfair to put the blame on DH, I could have spoken up way more than I have, I did at first but when nothing was sorted out I kind of left it. Yes he hasn't tried to make things better either but I would be devastated if it had been the other way round. There has been very little proper thinking from my part in all this, same for OM. We can't take it back now.

I would be devastated if it had been the other way round

Would you want to know?

Cheating is cowardly & disrespectful

Not touching your wife for several years, not trying Viagra or getting any help from the doctor for erectile disfunction, and generally leaving your wife to fester away in a sexless existence, is cowardly and disrespectful to the marriage.

Op is 41 and hasn't had sex with her DH for "several" years. So presumably, she was around 35 when she last had a shag. Is it reasonable to expect Op to go from 35 to 85 with absolutely no sex life? What kind of man wishes that on his wife? Op would have to be dead below the waist to want to live for FIFTY years without any intimacy. Let's get real!

Op, I wouldn't feel guilty whatsoever. It's not your fault that you got hooked in, your DH basically dumped you as a sexual partner several years ago. I wouldn't even call it cheating, you're not sleeping with 2 men at once. Your DH is just your flat mate at this point in time.

What has the OM said? He is at fault here too

@VodselForDinner I don't know, I 100% know I would want to know if it was a continued affair involving him falling in love with someone else. A one off? 15 years ago I would have wanted to know but now I don't think so, if I knew I would end it, there are no circumstances in which I wouldn't as I would not be able to forget it, I am too insecure. That is only IF it was genuinely a one off and all contact was over. That is just me though, I can't answer for DH.

Don't do it again.
Sever contact with the guy.
Bury it in your private grave of personal regrets; we all have them.

If you can do all the above, then there's no need to inflict your regret, guilty conscience and and pain on DH. Let it be.

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno he feels very guilty, he has made it clear he doesn't want anyone to know either. He has a partner and obviously he doesn't want to wreck my family, he has said whilst he has something to lose it is nothing compared to me.

We both made the decision to take things further, like I say, it's not like it was an 'accidental' meeting. Either of us could have stopped things, I am not sure how it became so intense so quickly, for me I know it was the attention and me feeling something I haven't had for so long, for him I guess it was just sex. No idea why he would be interested in me, especially with the catastrophic shit storm that could follow it.

Having thought about it more.....If you genuinely want to repair your marriage, you need to be prepared to go absolutely No Contact with the OM.

Your Husband deserves to know. And trust me, he will grill you and interrogate you until you eventually tell him who it was you shagged. The OM in not getting out of this unscathed. There will be no more casual meet-ups as friends with the hobby-lot.

You have literally shit on your own doorstep. OM is a fucking snake too, knowingly sleeping with another mans wife.

You absolutely need to face the music. Tell you H, maybe try to spare him who it was, but save his humiliation in letting him socialise with the OM again, as he clearly has no regard for your Husband and no morals either.

But either way, I think your marriage is dead if the ED issue can't be sorted.