I have really messed up

[WeDontLikeCricket]

I have named changed for this as I am on another section of this forum and very identifiable but have been on here for many years.

I have really messed up and dont know what to do.

DH and I have been having marriage issues for years, we get on very well, like spending time together and do lots of great things, we share mutual interests as a family so spend a lot of time together however we haven't had sex for several years since DH struggled with getting an erection (he is a fair bit older than me but not old enough it should be an issue I guess) and we have ended up in a rut of him being worried about it not happening and me not wanting to instigate anything in case it doesn't happen then both him and I feel awful about it. Sounds pathetic but as time has gone on it seems harder to address so we have ignored it. I don't not fancy him but I don't feel like I want to have sex anymore as it's been so long. I generally have a high sex drive though but I have accepted it's my life.

At our mutual interest we are heavily involved in the running of it, the kids are part of it and we are close friends with lots of the people. Its a very family feel generally, we all socialise together, there is lots of banter which can get flirty but generally openly so it's just a laugh between everyone.

Recently one of the people there has started to get a bit flirty towards me, we ended up chatting via message as we genuinely had to arrange some stuff but the conversation took a turn from his end, stupidly I did respond but it was just a joke from my end at first as he is so much younger than me so didn't take it seriously but it ended up more that that. It was pretty intense and I have no idea why I even responded, it is not me at at all, I have really strong feelings about if you have to hide something from your partner you have gone to far. There's no black and white for me until now.

Anyway this went on a while and ridiculously we met up and had sex. I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened, he is 28 and I am 41, I know I got caught up in the fact that someone was actually interested in me, I guess I am fairly up together but not anything special, any interest previously (not loads but the odd time over the years) I have completely ignored. I have no excuse whatsoever for this, it's not like we were drunk on a night out, we did this with very little thought for anyone and after we are both mortified about it. It definitely won't happen again but I can't even look at DH and god knows how I will face the OM next week.

I guess my question is do I tell DH, this will cause an enormous upset not only with my family but with all our friends, it would be a huge blow up that I want to avoid of course but is there any way forward with this without saying anything. It 100% is over, neither of us can deal with feeling this guilty. I know it's not about my feelings of course now.

I do know how awful it is, I don't need to be told this, I appreciate I don't deserve for anyone to be nice about this either, I woke up today actually in shock that I did it, I feel sick and on the verge of tears constantly, it makes me feel even more selfish as it makes it about me when I am feeling like this. I have told DH I am ill which he believes as I do suffer from regular migraines.

I try think you should tell your husband that you don’t want to live without sex for the rest of your life and that it’s important to you to restart your sex life together (it might look a little different depending on what is possible with his ED). He should know that you’re not happy with this situation anymore and you would consider ending the marriage rather than give up on sex completely/ ignore the situation for another ten years. I think this is enough honesty. I wouldn’t tell him about your affair.

@VodselForDinner I do appreciate your views, I don't agree I have painted myself like anything though. Of course it is a considering surely of everyone else, something I should have considered beforehand but I didn't. If I didn't give a shit I wouldn't be on here asking, I'd just keep quiet or keep doing it.

@BeachWaves2 totally, I should have done, it is awful, I can't deny any of it and wouldn't try to. DH is 13 years older than me so that wouldn't necessarily shock me, I don't think age is relevant really in this. Sleeping with another person is the problem. The only people that currently know are me and the OM, neither of us feel that are partners are fools, in spite of our actions, we are the only ones to blame here.

@JustAnotherOldMan OM genuinely wouldn't say anything, he has an awful lot to lose too. He is not the type to say anything to boast, his closest friends are mutual friends so it would be a real shit storm. I don't think him feeling guilty will mean he says anything as I know he is thinking about the effect on my family also, he has said he knows I have more to lose and that does worry him. I appreciate this sounds pathetic, all about our worry etc but I am just explaining why I know he won't tell anyone.

@Diddumz I guess I was hoping to hear that things can work out in these situations but I guess long term they never will. I need to speak to DH for sure. We definitely can't carry on like this.

You and the om are both very selfish and continue to be so by keeping this a secret. Your both trying to protect yourselves by keeping this a secret whether it be his job or your kids.. Whatever. It doesn't matter if you don't think your dh is a fool. It is how he will feel about himself when the truth does come out and he knows you lied to him and let this om carry on working with your kids. It's humiliating for them too.
Stop feeling so sorry for yourself

thanks @Babyiskickingmyribs I hate the fact that at 41 I am having the conversation about ED in my marriage. I hate that I am selfish in feeling that way also, its 10 times worse for DH than for me dealing with ED. Maybe it won't be such a difficult conversation. He must be feeling the same.

@BeachWaves2 I haven't denied we are selfish, we were selfish the 2nd we engaged with talking to each other, let alone anything else. I can't help how I feel after the event, I am not sure how else I should feel right now. I feel sorry for what i have done, I feel guilty and a million other things. I don't think that is out of order, I'm bound to feel something, what else should I feel here? I am not being shitty with you at all, I deserve whatever is thrown at me here, I was expecting it but it has happened now. Its difficult as I am the one posting so it's bound come across as it's all about me.

In spite of what others may think about me I do need to consider others, my kids are teenagers, they would end up know the details if it came out, they are not stupid. It would be humiliating for all of them if they knew as you have said.

If your 1000% sure your husband will never find out them just keep quiet about it, but that seems like a risky strategy
if he finds out in a month or 6 months down the line then you have a much different issue to deal with

You need to speak to your husband. And be honest xx 💐

Hundreds of messages is not a ons-sorry thats how i see it

As for not syaing things because it wold upset others-theyre nothing to do with you its unfair to lay it all out like youre doing everyone a favour

@BeachWaves2 thank you, I know you are right

@whynotwhatknot I have never said it was a ONS, it's clearly not. To me a ONS would be meeting someone and something happening that night. This is clearly not the case here. I don't feel like I am doing anyone a favour, just trying to limit damage. If I 100% knew DH and I could deal with it privately then I wouldn't be questioning telling him.

It’s a bit too close to home to assume it won’t get back to your husband. If it was some ONS 600 miles away then yep, I’d take it to the grave. But you’ve slept with someone involved in a shared, mutual hobby. Well surely that’s going to get out!

@justanotherneighinparadise I just can't see how he will tell anyone but I may be being naive about it all TBH.

@WeDontLikeCricket you need to address the lack of physical intimacy in your relationship asap. Your DP is used to brushing things aside and not addressing issues and you have taken the easy way out by burying your head in the sand and moving on. Now it's catching up to you. You having sex with the OM is culmination of all the issues in your marriage. It doesn't justify or make your actions okay but it is understandable. Sit down with your husband and have an honest conversation about EVERYTHING. See how you feel after the conversation... Do you honestly see yourself being part of this marriage? Is you DP willing to work with you? Go for marriage counseling. Do not take the easy way out again and pretend all is okay and brush this engagement with the OM under the carpet. Do the hard work! Once you have done all that... Hopefully your marriage is in a good place and stronger for it and you can then make a call on whether you want to disclose it to your partner

Jeez, I've seen so many threads on here where a wife/partner has found out their OH has slept with another and most of the responses have been so different.

I don't think anyone can call this a 'mistake'. You do not call getting into bed with someone a mistake. You did this knowingly.

And you certainly were not thinking about your husband, children or any repercussions whilst shagging the OM.

To add: I would be honest and let my DP know because it would eat me inside out and I wouldn't be able to carry the lie (also I would very much like to know if the shoe was in the other foot!) but I respect that others might feel differently

The double standards on here. If a woman posted that she didn't want sex and her husband shagged someone else then it would be all LTB! and what a pig he was.

It seems to me that you are suffering a lot more angst and regret than this merits. So you shared your body with an OM on one occasion -so what? What's the point in confessing it to dh and causing him pain and misery if it's not necessary, to say nothing of all the other people you say would be affected. That would be selfish. It's not as though you've fallen in love and are having a grand amour. My view is that my body is my own and what I choose to do with it is no one's business except mine.

Talk to your dh seriously and tell him he needs to see the doctor about the ED. Maybe Viagra might help. Lots of people use it, including youngsters, even if they don't actually need it. My DS, aged 42, uses it!

@billyt it wasn't a mistake, it was arranged, premeditated if you like, many opportunities to stop things. And no I wasn't thinking about the repercussions at all. I'm not really sure what to say. I haven't tried to excuse anything.

You never know.. It could be the wake up call your dh needs to sort out his ED.
You need to talk to him
Else you will carry on living in a sezless marriage but now with a secret hanging over your head.
Everyones human and everyone makes mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Just be honest x x

OK you don't see it as a mistake. But everyone makes the wrong decision at some point..

@BeachWaves2 I have the weekend to think about how to approach this all, I am not around all weekend, nowhere near the OM either as he is away also so time to think and work out how to talk to DH. I could tell him tonight but me not being around from first thing in the morning is not the best timing so I will need to wait till Monday xx

@BeachWaves2 it's a mistake looking back, 100%, what I was referring to is someone commenting that I did it knowingly, a mistake I guess at the time would mean accidental, clearly thats not the case. Looking back it was a huge mistake of course.

Don't tell DH. That's just placing a burden on him that he doesn't need.

At the end of the day what's done is done.
Your husband will either see it as a wake up call to get his ED sorted.. Or
He will leave you.. And you will be free to have all the sex with all the men you like 🤷🏼 have a good think over the weekend about what you need to say to him. Either way it needs to be said and you know it does. Xx