Close friend lied again - WWYD?

[CallMeCleo]

I have very few friends so value (and try hard to keep) the ones I have.

Last year a close friend told me a massive lie, for no reason. When I found out and I ended the friendship. Months later she contacted me to apologise, and I took her back because I love her company and had missed her.

We'd only met up twice since our reunion, when, a month before her birthday, I invited her to my house for that day, and she eagerly accepted. I said I'd buy all her favourite foods and we'd spend the day doing all the things she loves. I spent hours searching for a fairly pricey gift and a bespoke card, and had both personalised with her (unusual) name printed on them, some "happy birthday" bunting and balloons, and a cake.

An hour before she was due here she Skyped me to cancel. A group of women she worked with years ago, hundreds of miles away, had just informed her they were already en route to celebrate her birthday with her. They had not told her until the actual day as they "wanted it to be a surprise". The drive would take 3 or 4 hours each way.

Given her history of lying and the unlikeliness of the scenario I was sceptical but on balance reckoned that she would not risk losing me again this time forever by telling me such a massive lie. She's one of those people that is glued to her iPhone 24/7 and she promised to send me photos of the group --- but did not. I messaged her at 5pm reminding her about the photos, but she sent none - and still hasn't. At 6pm I Skyped her. With her was a small boy whom she claimed was the son of one of the "bunch of friends" who were "in another room". I asked her to let me see them on video but she made excuses and rang off.

I became suspicious and searched her FB friends. The boy was in fact the son of a friend of hers who lives very near her, whom she could see literally any day.

The story about the "group of friends" driving hundreds of miles was another big, fat, barefaced lie.

I would have had no problem changing the day she came here. It's her birthday, not mine, so I don't care what day she visits. I have no problem with her spending her birthday with the boy's mum and seeing me another day.

What bothers me most is that again she has looked me in the eye and told me a huge, blatant lie. She is shameless, too: no shiftiness, no mumbling, no avoiding eye contact; she's forthright and emphatic, and gives lots of (made up) detail. There was no reason to invent such a detailed, convolted lie; she could have simply said she was having a bad period, or had gone down with a cold, and was spending her birthday in bed.

Apart from the lying she is a perfect match for me as a friend. We have such a great time together, love the same activities and make each other laugh so much. I'm so gutted to discover that she clearly doesn't fear losing me.

I have not yet told her that I know.

I just don't know what to do.

I've asked someone who knows us both and she said, "Pretend that you don't know she lied, in order to preserve the friendship. Have her round on Saturday, give her a great birthday, and act as though nothing happened." But I find it impossible to be two-faced. To spend all that time with her, at close quarters, and to stay silent about what I know makes me a liar, too. And if I stay friends with her I will literally not believe a single thing she ever tells me.

Should I tell her I know she lied? If so, do I ask for an explanation and an apology, clear the air and carry on being friends? Or do I tell her I know, that she is a filthy lying cow, and that we are no longer friends?

@LipstickLou

Thanks for your post. It's interesting and useful to read how someone else has tackled the same sort of person - a compulsive liar, but you love her company. Two of my close friends have told me not to break contact with her but do what you have done.

I returned to the thread today to post an update on the birthday party she deferred until Saturday 12th.

After listening to all the genuine advice on this thread, and also the advice of two close friends (who know her) I came to what seemed to be the best decision: see how things went on Saturday, find out whether I can be with her without blurting out that I know she has lied to me again. Then, going forward, only see her as a casual acquaintance, and, most importantly, never believe anything she tells me about anything unless I see proof of it. But if she cancels last minute again, or inconveniencs me with another far fetched lie, end the friendship.

So on Saturday I prepared again again for her to be here all day for her birthday. This time she simply stood me up without notice or reason, and has ignored me since (but not blocked me on FB).

Obviously that is the end, and I have been left feeling really depressed about it all. I actually sat and cried on Saturday, at being made an absolute fool of yet again by her, and also at the cruel and outrageously unfair insults and accusations that have been thrown at me on here when all I did was try to do a very nice and generous thing for a young woman, after forgiving her for previously telling me a massive lie.

I'm going to have to change my username now, or the nasties will be chasing me all across Mumsnet calling me a creepy stalker.

The whole episode meaning her behaviour AND the nasty posts on here have made me wonder why women are so horrible to each other. As though the way we are treated by society/men isn't bad enough, they have to heap on the abuse, the betrayal, the nastiness. In the past I've had women friends steal from me, sleep with my boyfriend behind my back, make a serious play for my boyfriend, and do all manner of nasty things that I most definitely did not deserve.

I was watching Posie Parker on video the other day and she remarked on this, too. asking why are women so horrible to one another.

I feel really very upset and depressed, and haven't been able to do anything for the last 48 hours. It's like I am drained, empty inside, no energy, no motivation, and I feel utterly cynical about having any more women friends.

I've just read your thread and I would have wanted to find out the truth too, by any means! Everyone uses social media to look for something / someone, nothing creepy about that.
It sounds like you had planned a lovely day and she doesn't deserve your friendship. Forget her, her loss

Thanks for updating.

It doesnt seem like she was any friend of yours.

You need to seperate the thought of people being ' nasty' to people disagreeing with your actions. They responded to the info you posted with their opinion, either agreeing or disagreeing. You resorted to name calling, swearing and behaving really defensively. Now it may be that what you wrote was minuderstood- a bunch of strangers on a forum will never know the intricacies of your relationship with your friend, what's acceptable or not.

However it's also worth looking at it with an open mind. Perhaps it is all on her? Perhaps she feels you hold her accountable to her mistakes, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps she feels you're waiting for her to fail. Perhaps she feels your too perfect for her to love up to or deserve. Who knows

It may be worth just having counselling. It could help you Mourn the loss of your friendship, or why you let her back in your life or whether you invest too much of yourself into others, which I think is justanother way of what the ' nasty' posts were getting at.
You do seem to give an awful lot of yourself, energy, thoughts and being into your friendship, that's a lot to reciprocate and maybe too much for your own happiness

OP,
I'm so sorry you feel so low after this.

Of course you feel hurt and disappointed but it honestly isn't about YOU.

This women has issues and this is who she is.

There is nothing to be gained by blaming yourself for her decisions.

It is best that you know though.

Don't take on board the nastiness that some posters feel the need to write.

I could well understand you wanting to know the truth.

You sound like a lovely young women but you need to mind yourself.
It is not good to place so much faith in a clearly very troubled young women.

You need to be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

I think anyone would be very lucky to have such a friend as yourself.

@Theorangeorange

and

@billy1966

Thank you.

"There is nothing to be gained by blaming yourself"

No, I'm not blaming myself. She's the pathological liar, and it's a shame because otherwise she's great company and was once a ball of sunshine in my life.

"I think anyone would be very lucky to have such a friend as yourself."

I agree! I'm a great friend!

And to me means being kind, generous and going "the extra mile".

25 years ago, a woman richer aand older than me who had a big, posh country house with a large garden, threw me a birthday party at hers, whilst I was on the dole and living in a two-roomed flat. Back then nobody accused her of being "overly invested" in our friendship. They thought it was a lovely thing to do, and so did I, and in a way I thought I was "paying it forward" now that I am the rich one with the big house, and have a younger friend on the dole living in a bedsit.

I'm depressed because so many friends have treated me like shit, and this is yet another one -- plus I will miss her company.

I guess this is the end of this thread now. I won't return.

@baileys6904

Stop compounding their nastiness with extra nastiness of your own.

I was immediately accused of being a creepy stalker just for checking out if a KNOWN LIAR was again lying to me --- and she was!

[quote CallMeCleo]@baileys6904

Stop compounding their nastiness with extra nastiness of your own.

I was immediately accused of being a creepy stalker just for checking out if a KNOWN LIAR was again lying to me --- and she was![/quote]
But you are the one who has had repeated posts deleted... I saw them before they were deleted, and as I have already said, I think that if they had been left then many people would have a completely different opinion about you.

Baileys advice was good & reasoned, and IMO even sympathetic. No nastiness. This is not a rational response to advice even if you do not like it, just as demanding photographic proof and skyping a 'friend' to check up on them is not normal either.

OK @callmecleo, where was I nasty??? Oe do you mean where I hold you accountable for your actions (the name calling, swearing etc) just like you are trying gain approval for doing with your friend?

But you have overly invested in this woman, hence why you feel so bad now. She's behaved appallingly then sucked you in again only to treat you like a fool again. A person who hadn't been overly invested would have dropped her a long time ago, you however have made an active decision to take her back again and again. She's not worth the emotional hurt you are now feeling. Just learn from the experience, some people are two faced and a bit rubbish as friends.

Well I think you sound like a good egg and great friend personally!

She's clearly one of those false people who drops her long standing friends to wear a different mask as soon as a 'better offer' comes along. You know the ones right?

If that's who she is you don't need a woman like that in your life. Ignore all the hateful comments, I can understand why you wanted the truth under the previous circumstances.

Don't let it jade your future friendships and if she comes back again don't even entertain her for one minute. She's not part of your tribe.

Thanks @haffiana, I tried to keep it 'calm' as I do feel that the op feels betrayed and upset even if I feel that her actions as far too much. I also feel that maybe her reactions from 'over feeling' may be the driving force behind the panic lying of the friend and can understand especially now the comparison with the abusive relationship someone mentioned

Sorry your friend treated you like this OP. I’ve had many “friends” treat me like rubbish over the years and yes, sadly, they’ve all been women. You did nothing wrong other than give her chance after chance. I hope in a few days you feel better. Invest time in friends who make you feel good about yourself.

Best wishes

@Nat6999

Dump her off, I had a friend who told some terrible lies, not only to me. She claimed to have been raped by her partner, being a rape survivor myself I believed her & her partner was arrested & placed on remand. Before this she told me that he had frozen her bank account & she asked to borrow £300 which I lent her, she gave me £150 in cash & a cheque for the other £150, when she repaid me, the cheque bounced & she never paid me the money. I had the police turn up at my house one night, she had accused me of assaulting her daughter in the school playground, there were no witnesses & no CCTV evidence, yet I was supposed to have pushed her 8 year old daughter over & stamped on her in a playground full of parents. I ceased all contact with her, I blanked her if I saw her at school. Two years ago there was a report in the local paper, she had been jailed for 30 months for stealing her son's trust fund that he had been left when his dad died as a small child, she had stolen £48k & blown it in. I often wonder how many more lies she had told & how many more people had been sucked in.

This sounds surreal . Sorry you had such an unfortunate meeting @Nat6999

Sorry it ended badly :( you have lost
A friendship, be gentle with yourself. When you are feeling less hurt you will see this was for the best, any relationship without trust is not worth having. She has done you a favour but in a shit way.