Close friend lied again - WWYD?

[CallMeCleo]

I have very few friends so value (and try hard to keep) the ones I have.

Last year a close friend told me a massive lie, for no reason. When I found out and I ended the friendship. Months later she contacted me to apologise, and I took her back because I love her company and had missed her.

We'd only met up twice since our reunion, when, a month before her birthday, I invited her to my house for that day, and she eagerly accepted. I said I'd buy all her favourite foods and we'd spend the day doing all the things she loves. I spent hours searching for a fairly pricey gift and a bespoke card, and had both personalised with her (unusual) name printed on them, some "happy birthday" bunting and balloons, and a cake.

An hour before she was due here she Skyped me to cancel. A group of women she worked with years ago, hundreds of miles away, had just informed her they were already en route to celebrate her birthday with her. They had not told her until the actual day as they "wanted it to be a surprise". The drive would take 3 or 4 hours each way.

Given her history of lying and the unlikeliness of the scenario I was sceptical but on balance reckoned that she would not risk losing me again this time forever by telling me such a massive lie. She's one of those people that is glued to her iPhone 24/7 and she promised to send me photos of the group --- but did not. I messaged her at 5pm reminding her about the photos, but she sent none - and still hasn't. At 6pm I Skyped her. With her was a small boy whom she claimed was the son of one of the "bunch of friends" who were "in another room". I asked her to let me see them on video but she made excuses and rang off.

I became suspicious and searched her FB friends. The boy was in fact the son of a friend of hers who lives very near her, whom she could see literally any day.

The story about the "group of friends" driving hundreds of miles was another big, fat, barefaced lie.

I would have had no problem changing the day she came here. It's her birthday, not mine, so I don't care what day she visits. I have no problem with her spending her birthday with the boy's mum and seeing me another day.

What bothers me most is that again she has looked me in the eye and told me a huge, blatant lie. She is shameless, too: no shiftiness, no mumbling, no avoiding eye contact; she's forthright and emphatic, and gives lots of (made up) detail. There was no reason to invent such a detailed, convolted lie; she could have simply said she was having a bad period, or had gone down with a cold, and was spending her birthday in bed.

Apart from the lying she is a perfect match for me as a friend. We have such a great time together, love the same activities and make each other laugh so much. I'm so gutted to discover that she clearly doesn't fear losing me.

I have not yet told her that I know.

I just don't know what to do.

I've asked someone who knows us both and she said, "Pretend that you don't know she lied, in order to preserve the friendship. Have her round on Saturday, give her a great birthday, and act as though nothing happened." But I find it impossible to be two-faced. To spend all that time with her, at close quarters, and to stay silent about what I know makes me a liar, too. And if I stay friends with her I will literally not believe a single thing she ever tells me.

Should I tell her I know she lied? If so, do I ask for an explanation and an apology, clear the air and carry on being friends? Or do I tell her I know, that she is a filthy lying cow, and that we are no longer friends?

@Giantrooster - "If you value truth and trust and invest in friendships". Yes, I definitely do. I am the "type" who has a few close, long-lasting friendships with people I trust, rather than loads of easy-come, easy-go shallow acquaintanceships.

I had a friend at university who was extremely extroverted, enthusiastic personality that encouraged groups to come together - she really was a pleasure to be around. But then we individually noticed some inconsistencies in her stories about her background that didn’t add up - chalked it up to being exaggerating to impress - nothing nefarious... but the niggle that she probably wasn’t telling the truth pervaded ALL conversations with her, and actually once the gloss of her personality had worn away because of the mistrust about her authenticity, it felt like none of what she said was true and she was lying all the time. Turned out that she had told some serious lies about topics which are incredibly emotive. Of course, the weirdest part was how her lying became a sort of injoke within our group - never spoken openly about but referred to in jest or eyebrow raising. She is no longer in contact with any of us and I often think about her when we get together because the lies were so unnecessary and that was what was so weird. We liked her and enjoyed her company without her extreme stories or various dramas, but her pursuit of reactions ruined these friendships! I just found the whole thing bizarre.

With regards your situation, I think I understand the pull of that charismatic person in your life but you do need to protect yourself. Perhaps return to being the person who makes no overtures but responds to hers? If you want her to continue in your life but want to be true to yourself, that could be trickir. I would say rather than letting her know you know she was lying, you could say that you understand that people change their minds about attending events and leave it at that? And then not organise or involve yourself further? TBH I wouldn’t really pursue this friendship as the niggle of doubt really does take the shine off a person

I didn't realise she had asked to change the day to Saturday. That doesn't sound as bad as just cancelling altogether. The convoluted lie is still questionable though. Like a PP said, maybe 'Tracy next door popping round' didn't seem like a good enough excuse, so she made up something larger to make it seem more reasonable. So, have you left it that she is still coming round on Saturday? Maybe see how that goes, enjoy the day and take it from there.

That's made me quite sad to read. It's really quite hurtful what she did. You clearly care about her and went to a lot of effort for her. She doesn't deserve a friend like you. Keep the gift for yourself and don't contact her again. You will find new friends x

It sounds as though you are going to continue with this friendship. You could make a clean break right now, given that the lies are lies you can walk away from. And honestly, I think that would be very wise.

Given the enormity of the lies told thus far, you have no idea what lies she may tell in the future, and I wouldn't want to risk that. Like I said upthread, how will you feel if she accuses your Partner of coming on to her, or worse sexually assaulting her? How would you feel if she told you next months that on a recent night out she'd been raped? So much harder to extricate yourself then.

I know this sounds unlikely, but I have witnessed it done! The friend of mine that slept with my then H (whilst still being normal with me), actually had an affair with another married man. After a few months he decided to concentrate on his marriage, so she fabricated a pregnancy.

My sister was the subject of a tribunal at work (for bullying behaviour). Her response was to accuse an innocent man of sexual harassment. I know this for a fact, as I saw the e-mails between her and our mother discussing the pro's and con's of the concocted story.

My other friend accused her DH of assault, because when he was trying to rescue their child from her, she was so pissed she fell over at the roadside. She called the Police and he spent a night in the cells!

These people will lie, and lie and lie some more. Are a few boozy nights, worth the risk of being exposed to a terrible situation further down the line?

I'm 51, and there's no way I'd be getting involved with this. Certainly not in my 60's.

@Username4567720 - thank you for your post. I think you are probably right that I should have rejected her olive branch in January. The reason I did not was partly because I missed her and partly because I appreciated that it took a lot of guts for her to contact me and apologise. I also thought I was being a nice, decent person in forgiving her and letting her back in my life.

I don't feel lonely.I'm an introvert who is happy in my own company most of the time so having just a few close friends suits me. Having fewer means I can put more effort into their birthdays and suchlike. I have plenty of daily "shallow interaction" through my business customers and with my lodgers, one of whom is a close friend (and advises me to stay friends with the liar).

[quote CallMeCleo]@Giantrooster - "If you value truth and trust and invest in friendships". Yes, I definitely do. I am the "type" who has a few close, long-lasting friendships with people I trust, rather than loads of easy-come, easy-go shallow acquaintanceships.[/quote]

Well then you have your answer . Much too much drama, just let it fizzle out. She might be fun, but not the way you do friendship.

I would end the friendship for good. I wouldn't even tell her either. Block and delete. With regards to the present I don't know what you could do with it but I would definitely not send it.

She doesn't value your friendship as much as you do hers. Even if her blatant lie wasn't a lie she should have said to those friends that she already had plans. She's a massive cheeky fucker and you should tell her so and then block her. Literally send her a text and then block and move on. She will continue to disappoint you. You sound like a lovely friend and she doesn't deserve you.

Based on all your updates and further info I think let this friendship fizzle out without any further drama needed. There's no point challenging her as she is a pathological liar.

And bin the gift.

Just block her; eat the cake and bin/charity shop the gift. You two do not sound compatible as friends.

I have had friendships and been acquaintances with people like this.

You can be friends with people like this but you have to bear in mind they are dishonest, often needy and perhaps attention seekers. She most likely has no insight into why she does the things she does.

She wanted a party. You gave her what she wanted. Why does she lie about relatives dying? - she wanted your attention and for you to comfort her. I don't know why she was upset but you gave her what she wanted. Was she testing you? Seeing how much you would do for her to make her feel special. Testing how good a friend you were?

She sounds messed up but you have to accept her for who she is. A habitual liar can't just stop and change her personality. She self sabotages because she has issues. Her behaviour is destructive.

I was told of a very sad event by a friend. She spent months getting my support yet it was all made up. She is a lonely woman whose family have low contact with her, her work colleagues no longer get in touch after she was fired (for lying) and her neighbours have nothing to do with her. Her life is dull so she makes up stories for the attention. She tests me to see if I will do stuff for her that she could easily do herself. It's annoying.

How wonderful it would be to have a group of old work colleagues come visit you for your birthday. Travelling all that distance with children. They must think a lot of her to do that.

Why such as elaborate story - she wants you to think she is someone that people like and put effort in for.

Send present to her along with note just saying shame we couldn't celebrate in person & then don't contact again & don't bring up this lie. (I'm generally a fan of taking the high road if at all possible.)

I'd otherwise leave well alone & if she contacts you again then see how you feel about the potential for more lies & what basis you can be friends going forwards if at all. If you do want to stay in touch it would probably be a good idea to not go to so much trouble for her again & only agree to meet up someplace neutral for coffee or similar if you do decide to stay 'friends' in future.

Oh & eat the cake (if you haven't already)

I think her opportunistic lie about friends visiting from out of town was thoughtless and I can understand why that would be hurtful. I expect she was misguidedly trying to have a good excuse for cancelling her time with you that evening, rather than just saying openly that she wanted to postpone your get together. It was tactless and unkind of her, but it’s nowhere near as bad as her lies about her grandmother IMO. Those lies indicate that she has some quite serious issues.

I also agree with PPs that the friendship seems quite unhealthy. The investment on your side seems out of balance with hers, and your reactions to this incident strike me as disproportionate. I’d let the friendship go, it doesn’t seem worth continuing.

@CallMeCleo

I don't know what you are on about.

I didn't post again so not sure why you chose to attack me again.

I didn't attack you.

I gave an opinion which you are free to ignore. 🙂

Telling people to 'fuck off' and to 'leave a thread' is unacceptable and is the very thing you are accusing others of.

Finally, you can create threads but not police them. You don't get to tell people to stop posting.

That being said, I have stopped contributing to the thread as you've made it clear that some opinions any that differ with yours aren't welcome.

@Awarsewolf -- thank you for your post and sharing your experience. Your uni pal sounds like my liar friend in personality.

@Inaseagull -- It never was the cancelling (actually, deferment) that bothered me. It was the lie. Telling such a big lie that morning, then doubling-down on it by showing me a little boy on Skype and lying about who he was.I have not spoken to her since the Skype call on Tuesday and the lie about the boy. I have refused all her calls whilst I think this through. As things stand, yes, we have an arrangement for tomorrow but I will pay her back by not making contact to firm up the date and set a time.

@miltonj - thank you for your response to my dilemma. I do indeed care about her. Her husband threw her out, stayed in their home and then divorced her.She has no local friends other than women who pay her by the hour to look after their children. Her family aren't speaking to her and she's on the dole.But it's not all about feeling sorry for her -- as I have said, she is effervescent company and nursed me through Covid with a smile on her face all day every day.

@Bluedeblue -- I have not yet made up my mind. I am reading these posts carefully, listening to opinions one way and the other. The consensus so far is to ditch her and block her. I have to give consideration to that as it's the majority view. Thank you for sharing your experiences. My boyfriend does not live here and won't visit at the same time as her. He's disgusted by her lying behaviour both last year and this week but makes no comment about what I should do about it.

OP I can absolutely understand you being upset at what your friend did - at her request/initiation you went to a lot of effort for her birthday. For her to cancel at the last minute is hurtful and bad form form for anything other than illness or an emergency. I think most people would be annoyed/upset by that. For you, that hurt was compounded as she has lied to you before.

I think it might be a bit of a reach to say anyone would have googled towns/asked for photos etc. Not something I would do personally nor a lot of others judging the responses you have had on here. I can see why people might perceive that as a bit much.

You said that she has lied before and maybe had counselling. It does seem therefore that there may be some psychological issues at play here. If that is the case your friend may not be lying deliberately to hurt/annoy you. Even so, that doesn't make it easy to deal with.

Only you can decide ultimately if you want to continue the friendship. I would agree with others who say that if you are able to accept being friends on a more superficial level and just enjoy her company as and when, then go for it. However, if (and I suspect this may be the case) you would find yourself constantly questioning if she was lying and feeling the need to find proof of this then it may be best to end the friendship, either by telling her directly or letting it fade away naturally.

You can't believe anything she says.

Her husband could have been stung just as badly by her lies.

She might be saying the same sort of things about you to others. You kicked her out too!

Do not go and meet her tomorrow, you will be sucked back in! She could have just said she was poorly but she went to the extent of showing you someone’s child etc it blows my mind what people will do instead of just being honest. Block her

I would just let the friendship go.

Wonderful friend apart from being a barefaced liar and messing me about is like saying model employee apart from stealing from the petty cash tin or fantastic husband apart from cheating on me.

@SilentPanic

She shouldn't have lied, but it does sound like a very full on friendship. I wouldn't dream of skyping a friend to check up on whether she was telling me a lie or not. Either way, it sounds unhealthy and I think you should give her up.

But op knew deep down she was lying, gave her the chance to fess up and she didn't. I'd have probably asked to see the group of friends too at that point, just to force her into telling the truth.

@CallMeCleo I wouldn't send the gift. Give it to charity, you never know who might have the same name and love it. I wouldn't grace her with any more messages as that just gives her opportunity to come up with more lies. Block her and accept she's not a friend.

Trust isn't particularly important with casual acquaintances but in friendships it is.

It has been a long year and I can definitely understand the attraction of someone who makes you laugh out loud.

Unfortunately her lying and deceit makes her untrustworthy and how ever funny she is I think her instability will eventually make you rightly very wary.

Better to just fade her out.

If your boyfriend is nice, him not wishing to be in the same place as her is telling, yet he is rightly leaving it to you to decide.

You sound like you would be a lovely friend.

She has blown it, move on.

Her husband threw her out, stayed in their home and then divorced her

I suspect this is not the truth. It's a spin on their separation, that paints her as the victim and him as the villain. The lies my sister tells about me, always paint her as the victim and me as the villain. All lies.

She has no local friends other than women who pay her by the hour to look after their children

There is a reason for this.

Her family aren't speaking to her

Enormous red flag. She's done things so terrible regards her family that they thought the only safe option for them was to go No Contact.

she's on the dole I thought you said she was a child minder? Or is she a benefit cheat on top of everything else?

she is effervescent company

So was Ted Bundy, when he wasn't killing folk.