Bastard bingo around the campfire

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone...creating thread number 2 (or at least, attempting to...!) Link to old thread here

If that link doesn't work, I'll be forever indebted to any of you more mumsnet savvy folks helping me out!

I'll come back in a bit to post properly, thank you all again for your help and support

@loveyourself2020

YOU GOT THERE!!!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!

I hope you enjoyed your lovely new sheets and the peaceful atmosphere at last, although it might take a while for you to get used to it!

...you are much younger then me and your whole life is still ahead of you
Ah, but your life starts now. Your new life, where you get to say what happens next. Wishing you every happiness in it.
X

When H was destroying your precious GPs memorabilia. This was the moment to tell him, he has proved without doubt, that you are without a shadow of doubt, right to divorce him. His cruelty, underlying viciousness, lack of self control, bitter revengefulness were manifested in that gesture.

I'm so glad you have found a house you like, hopefully you can finance it.
A new start. You & DD will flourish.

Did you say how your Mother felt about this ?

I am glad things are going in the right direction, however please take heed of the fact that he initially tempered his behaviour due to shock but is now ramping back up now it is wearing off.

Also would like to say that the things in his divorce related documents will upset you but remember that just because he has written them in a letter it doesn't make them true.

@Alcemeg
Thank you!
Yes, he has moved out yesterday and I finally slept in my bed. I have to say it felt a bit odd, I did not think I would be able to sleep there at all. I stayed up late with my youngest one talking and so finally it was time for bed. I did have a couple of drinks but I decided to take a sleeping pill too and sure enough I slept like a baby. Dog woke me up early and my STBX (or is he ex already?) would walk her every morning, so this morning I woke up, took her out and when I came back went straight back to bed and slept two more hours. I am exhausted. Yesterday, my emotions were through the roof, I mean we are talking a quarter of a century that we have been together, so there is a lot packed in these years. He was very stressed and angry because kids were not helping him, not as much as he wanted and not with enthusiasm, so he was doing it alone, did not want to ask a friend to help or something. He did not say anything but I could feel it. I kept offering to help but he would not take it. Anyway, I was exhausted, so sleep was very welcome indeed. I can tell that there will be many more hard, painful days and nights before things fall in place, but already I feel like a big weight was lifted of my chest.

@loveyourself2020 That habit of thinking / feeling / anticipating / worrying on his behalf will take a while to wear off. One day your own feelings and thoughts will take centre stage! 😊

It will all take getting used to, and you must have an awful lot of sleep to catch up on. Exhausted, I am sure.

Oh so wonderful to read he is finally gone.

Yes, I slept my better last night.
HH I hope you are doing ok.

*much better

Hello HH, How are you? is H managing to keep his bile under control ?
Have you managed to sort out finances or is he going to do it the hard way?

How are you @helplesshopeless? Have things calmed down?

Thanks for checking in @FoxgloveSummers and @Mix56

Things are ok in terms of his behaviour, however he's played a real blinder with his response from his solicitor

My proposal regarding our daughter was based on what he'd already said he wanted and we agreed to ie 6/14 nights per fortnight. This was more than I wanted initially while she's so young but I could just about agree to it as I thought she'd cope with the proposed pattern and it would give them plenty of time together. Separately my financials proposal was a pretty straight forward split.

Throughout the period of him preparing his response he's been going on about my letters trying to threaten him with comments of the police, and also been pushing me to sit down and discuss financials with him so he can minimise fees on back and forth between the solicitors. He's also indicated many times that he'd agree to the proposals re our daughter ie comments around how I'd be having more time with her, and that I didn't need to worry about his response on that front. He was also clearly concerned to have learnt from his solicitor that there was no way of locking me into agreement that I wouldn't claim CM ie that he'd have to take my word. My proposal had confirmed that I had no intention of claiming it other than him paying all nursery fees.

Turns out his response is proposing an extra night at his every other weekend which makes it 7/14 including a 3 night run away from me. He's now denying that he ever agreed to 6/14 and all he wants is fair time with her as her father. He's still pressuring me to agree to a 'reasonable' financial agreement this weekend and says I have until tomorrow to go through it with him so he can finalise his financials response with his solicitor, and if I 'play hardball' then I'll regret it as he has far more resources than me through access to his parents' money.

I truly don't think the extra night is necessary in terms of generating more quality time with him and it's absolutely not in her best interests. It's so clearly to stop any availability of CM.

I basically am stuck - if I agree to his 'reasonable' financial proposal he may back down on the extra night (but no guarantee) but if I don't then we'll definitely end up in court fighting over that extra night. But I will need the extra money re the financial agreement to cover court costs so if I try to appease him by agreeing to less than I leave myself vulnerable in that sense.

I have no idea what to do whenever I try to stand up to him and meet him with strength eg the solicitor involvement, it backfires on me. Every time.

My solicitor said it's incredibly common for men to push for shared residence under the guise of it being in the children's 'best interest' with the actual motivation of it being to avoid CM. I don't understand how they can get away with this so often it's so unfair. And my poor baby is caught up in the middle of it

I really don't know what to do 😭

Oh and regarding the house - my offer was rejected but I'd just come to terms with going up to asking price to make sure I got it, and was due to go and look at it again on Friday before making the final decision. but the owners have gone dark suddenly so I'm worried it's been sold gah. Everything's falling apart

Oh and I'll create a new thread tomorrow!

Stop trying to agree things with him! You really need to move out and gain space and perspective. This was always going to end up in court as he is so brutal, selfish and abusive.
I'm surprised your solicitor is not advising you better on this. Have you told them about the violence?
You are trying to be too reasonable and he's going to walk all over you.
Please read Stuckinpollyannamode's thread. Her ex is nowhere near as awful as yours and she is still having a very tough time getting the divorce/ residency sorted. She's realised that stuff can only really get done through solicitors. The sooner you realise this, the less harm will come to you and your daughter.

@Isthisit22 I get what you're saying but the problem is I am trying to just get stuff done through the solicitors now. This is him punishing me for that.

I'm glad you are safe.
Keep looking for another house, it doesn't have to be perfect, it can be a stepping stone, even renting for a time is fine.
I agree you should get away from his constant bullying asap. He turns your brain to soup.
He cannot force you to sit down & be bullied into submission.

I think whatever you offer he will demand more, He just has to win
It is so standard for them/him to use his stronger finances to blackmail you into submission.
He doesn't necessarily want this extra night with Dd, He wants to hurt you, & punish you & this does it amply, either financially forcing you to pay for court, or you lose a night with DD.
It always has been about punishing you. It is who he is.
You tried being submissive for years, it has never worked.
So please just tell him if he wants to go to court that's fine, your parents can help you, (whether or not they can) if he wants to play games, waste his money & yours, Let's play.
Money he should want you to have to care for his daughter.
He expects you to fold.
He will keep moving the goal posts.

Your sol doesn't sound like s/he is fighting your corner?

I basically am stuck - if I agree to his 'reasonable' financial proposal he may back down on the extra night (but no guarantee) but if I don't then we'll definitely end up in court fighting over that extra night. But I will need the extra money re the financial agreement to cover court costs so if I try to appease him by agreeing to less than I leave myself vulnerable in that sense

You are only stuck with your description above if going to court is absolutely not an option for you.

A while back you had some really good advice I think from katysun - of course you want to avoid court, but you need to decide where your line is. Because presumably you don't want to avoid court at all costs - either in terms of money or contact?

What is your solicitor advising re. trying to agree contact with the financial settlement as a sort of condition of that?

Oh and He's still pressuring me to agree to a 'reasonable' financial agreement this weekend and says I have until tomorrow to go through it with him he can fuck off can't he? When was the last time you ever gave him a deadline in such a way and he meekly obliged? He's quite a one for a fake deadline isn't he?

He akso gaslights you, agrees to one thing, then denies he agreed to same,
You can also change your narrative
Him, "you agreed to x y z
You "No I didn't"
He lies
He manipulates
You will never be able to di this between you "amicably", as you have seen, you already gave more than you wanted, he agreed & came back for more
He is a snake in the grass

[quote helplesshopeless]**@Isthisit22* I get what you're saying but the problem is I am* trying to just get stuff done through the solicitors now. This is him punishing me for that. [/quote]
Perhaps reflect on why it could be that he sees this as worthy of punishment?

And why he's setting fake deadlines, pushing you to agree to things directly between the two of you.

He sounds utterly terrified of what will happen if it goes through official process and via court, and he's desperately trying to bully you into landing things now in order to avoid it. He remains confident he can bully you, he knows he will not be able to bully a judge. Hence why it's ramping up.

Are you confident you have a full picture of all the finances?

I completely agree @Cavagirl he is definitely becoming aware his control in this situation rests on what will soon be old dynamics between you and knows he will not be able to assert himself in front of a judge.

OP, I'm so sorry everything is so grim. I can't offer any advice on this from my own experience. The one thing my exDH and I did beautifully was split up!

It's a shame about the house, but renting is a good idea. Buying a property is such a stressful business, on top of everything else you're going through. Renting gives you a chance to find your feet and look around when things are calmer. All kinds of priorities could change over the next couple of years.

I'd stop believing anything he says, stop talking to him about it directly and concentrate on what YOU want. Take a step back and try to decide, in an ideal world what do you want. Not what he wants or to appease him, but if he'd agree to anything what would it be to ensure you're financially stable, have the dc the nights you want and can sleep at night. Then go to your solicitor and propose that. Take him to court if you have to. You can represent yourself if needed to keep the costs down. My friend did this and the judge was great and walked her through everything. It back fired on her ex as he came in with an expensive solicitor and tried to bully her. The judge wasn't impressed.

[quote helplesshopeless]**@Isthisit22* I get what you're saying but the problem is I am* trying to just get stuff done through the solicitors now. This is him punishing me for that. [/quote]
He can TRY to punish you but really he can't. He can't make you accept these terms. Practise saying no (you have many years more of this from him when you attempt to coparent).
You are saying he's played a blinder but that's only if you let him and accept his demands.
Like everyone else is saying, decide what is best for your daughter and you and fight for that.
It is so hard for you living with him- he's constantly wearing you down, going on and on. I honestly think you moving out would be massively beneficial and you'll get a better end result as you will not be too worn down to think straight.

Please read my earlier comment. His solicitor has written what they have been told to. It has no bearing on what will actually happen. He could write that you've become a prostitute and that wouldn't make it true.

Ignore the stuff in the letters and hand to your own solicitor.

@helplesshopeless I am so happy to see you back (although obviously wish things were much better for you).

Are you getting support from friends and family? Are your work people being nice?

Have you ever watched Labyrinth, you know the 80s film with David Bowie and the Muppets (bear with me here). There’s a scene at the end where the protagonist realises she can escape the mind games of the goblin king, she says “you have no power over me” and the spell breaks. I heartily recommend you watch it!! But actually that is the process you need to go through with your ex, and I think that’s why everyone is suggesting you and DD move out ASAP (assuming you’re not trying to keep the house?) even into rented which is so much quicker and cheaper at first. Someone blitzing your phone is much easier to ignore than someone in your ear.

Have you heard of the Overton Window? en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Overton_window I think with your ex because you agree to what he wants it then shifts the “Overton window” of your agreement towards him, and he feels he can push it more. That’s why it’s so important to stand up for what you really want. If you’d suggested he have your daughter 3 days a fortnight he might now be suggesting 5 or 6. Appeasement doesn’t work on this guy, you must see that.

All that to one side, it’s great that you’re sticking to your guns and working through this painful time to freedom for both of you. Power to your elbow.