Bastard bingo around the campfire

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone...creating thread number 2 (or at least, attempting to...!) Link to old thread here

If that link doesn't work, I'll be forever indebted to any of you more mumsnet savvy folks helping me out!

I'll come back in a bit to post properly, thank you all again for your help and support

@loveyourself2020

I have to say that I am shocked to hear that neither police nor her solicitor think that she is in danger. This is unbelievable. From what I see this man is a psychopath and nobody can tell what he may or may not do. I would not spend another minute in that house with him.

Agreed. He's like an unstable nuclear reactor and all the cracks are widening.

How are YOU getting on, @loveyourself2020?

The thing is, dear HH has frequently said to us that she doesn't think he'd ever do X, and so if she is saying the same to the police and the solicitor, they have no reason not to believe her. This is not victim-blaming in any way, I have minimised situations myself in the past, and no one has known how difficult things have been with DH, so it is easily done, especially if you are trying to keep a veneer of calm for DC...although they are well aware of the emotional temperature in the house, even if they don't understand the detail .

Whereas we vipers have all seen this unfold from a while back, and poor HH is so used to his behaviour (we're back to boiling frogs again...) that she has become de-sensitized to it; she minimises it (consciously and subconsciously) so that she can survive day-to-day but I think now really is the time, dearest girl, to allow yourself to be guided by all of us who are screaming "get out of there", as yes, it really is that bad.

I have been reading your threads from the start though haven't commented so far. When you first posted, what you said chilled me and it reminded me of my ex.
Please do not leave your daughter with your DH. You know you are not safe with him and she may no longer be safe. Please keep her safe away from him.

@Alcemeg Thank you for asking. Things are moving along. The other day we went to the bank to move the money around and close joint accounts. My STBX is moving out on Aug 1, so one more week. I am going camping tomorrow with my youngest one, so will not be here for his packing, which is probably for the best. My emotions are ranging from very, very sad to "I cannot wait for him to leave". We have been together a very long time and it is hard to imagine not to be. I am not sleeping so well, unless I take the pill. Wake up feeling sickness in the pit of my stomach and it is there most of the day.

I mean, separation is not easy, no matter the circumstances, but hopefully, I will feel better once I have my bed, house, life back. Kids are doing fine, thank God.

The thing that is driving me crazy is my STBX spending hours sitting in the living room with his iPad. I mean there is so much he needs to do, packing, clearing things off. I mean he only has one week. I do not think that he has to move everything on the first, but I do not want to be stuck with his stuff for ever. I mean he COULD be doing something, or if anything else, go out and meet people, get out of the house, but no, he is spending most of the time in the house, with me. Although we do not talk almost at all.

Ugh, @loveyourself2020, that sounds painful and hard to be living through. It's such a strange countdown over the next week, because it's a countdown of grief as well as triumph. You know what, though? The sadness, and imagining not being together in the future... it's normal to be feeling that, but I think once you have your own space to start rebuilding your life in, you'll no longer dwell on the gloomy feelings because there will be too much to sort out.

You have thought about splitting up with him, and decided to split up with him, and told him you want to split up, and now you are splitting up, and it's all same same same -- heavy pain.

Soon you'll be able to focus on being positive and constructive instead of all this endless dismantling. It will give you a completely different outlook.

You've come so far. Not long now!

[quote loveyourself2020]@Alcemeg Thank you for asking. Things are moving along. The other day we went to the bank to move the money around and close joint accounts. My STBX is moving out on Aug 1, so one more week. I am going camping tomorrow with my youngest one, so will not be here for his packing, which is probably for the best. My emotions are ranging from very, very sad to "I cannot wait for him to leave". We have been together a very long time and it is hard to imagine not to be. I am not sleeping so well, unless I take the pill. Wake up feeling sickness in the pit of my stomach and it is there most of the day.

I mean, separation is not easy, no matter the circumstances, but hopefully, I will feel better once I have my bed, house, life back. Kids are doing fine, thank God.

The thing that is driving me crazy is my STBX spending hours sitting in the living room with his iPad. I mean there is so much he needs to do, packing, clearing things off. I mean he only has one week. I do not think that he has to move everything on the first, but I do not want to be stuck with his stuff for ever. I mean he COULD be doing something, or if anything else, go out and meet people, get out of the house, but no, he is spending most of the time in the house, with me. Although we do not talk almost at all. [/quote]
Check out storage boxes and be prepared to get them and fling his shit in them and black bags, ready to leave our sidevthe house.

This is deliberate shit on his part, territorial bullshit, to leave his stuff around.

The MINUTE he is gone, start gathering it up and get it out.

Do not procrastinate on this point.

YOU will breathe long and deeply when his shit is gone.

Get organised with few boxes/bags and get him out.

@Alcemeg---Thank you
@billy1966--- Hello billy, oh how I love your posts, you always make me smile. Yes, I am definitely planning to start collecting his stuff. I may not leave it outside but definitely cannot wait to clean up, clear out and have my house to myself, they way I want it.

I am telling, you it is the strangest thing that I seem to be spending more time preparing for a 5 day camping trip then he for his move out. Driving me nuts, to be honest with you.

I am delighted that you are shifting a load of rubbish August 1...the rest will follow.

I think you will be beyond stunned at the load off your shoulders, head, chest when he vacates the property.

You will likely exhale the deepest breath, probably be deeply emotional and tearful, as you realise that you are finally living in a home that isn't dominated by his oppressive, negative, poisonous presence.

This release will be emotional but also hopefully transformative for you, after so long with so much stress.

Stock up in strong garden bags, they are the best for disposing of house/garden waste.

@Bathshebahardy

I have been reading your threads from the start though haven't commented so far. When you first posted, what you said chilled me and it reminded me of my ex. Please do not leave your daughter with your DH. You know you are not safe with him and she may no longer be safe. Please keep her safe away from him.

I have felt the same having read all of your posts OP.

Please don’t take the chance and leave your DD with your husband. You can’t be sure she will be safe.

Is there any way you could put a lock on the inside of your bedroom door? Just to prevent him wandering in?

There is another very long running thread on here by a mumsnetter who left her husband. He started doing very similar things to yours and finally had a breakdown and had to be committed and put on antipsychotics. It does happen, and I think pp is right that he is on the verge of a breakdown. He has never behaved like this to you before, he has escalated from snarky putdowns, threatening to take your daughter away, to spouting sexual comments at your daughter, to bursting in on you, to untraceable death threats, to calling you a cunt in front of your daughter who will have noticed the atmosphere, to hurting you in front of her.

Does that seem like a man who is fully in control of what he's doing? A man who understands that assault is illegal and is gradually tiptoeing over that line. Is he going to shove you when he walks past next? Shove you in general? Slap you? Or maybe go straight for killing you.

We are saying get out now and take your daughter because we all have first hand experience of your situation. We know your thought process, can guess your next actions and know how you feel. We also know exactly what then happened to us after we did the same thing that you are currently doing.

Leave today. Have as many people as you can come over to protect you while you gather your things and warn them that he will pretend to be sad and show them some of your posts from here so that they understand it is an act.

@InkieNecro Thanks so much for posting that. I don't have experience of violence etc (thankfully) so I am unable to give categorical advice in quite the same way, but it's clearly an extremely dangerous situation.

I think the trouble is that right from the start, PP has worried that she is "overreacting" ... eventually she is acting on the recognition that she's not, but there's a kind of time lag involved, where she only recognises it in retrospect (which I understand very well; you're kind of hardwired to minimise things as they happen, or life would be unbearable).

This seems to be the "final frontier" in terms of giving appropriate weight to things and not dismissing it as an overreaction.

It's absolutely crucial that there is no time lag involved in recognising this.

OP, sorry for talking about you in the third person. I wish I could reach through the screen and grab you and DD out of there.

Also you are right to highlight the fact that the death threats are untraceable.

Almost as though part of him is already planning ahead.

[quote Alcemeg]@InkieNecro Thanks so much for posting that. I don't have experience of violence etc (thankfully) so I am unable to give categorical advice in quite the same way, but it's clearly an extremely dangerous situation.

I think the trouble is that right from the start, PP has worried that she is "overreacting" ... eventually she is acting on the recognition that she's not, but there's a kind of time lag involved, where she only recognises it in retrospect (which I understand very well; you're kind of hardwired to minimise things as they happen, or life would be unbearable).

This seems to be the "final frontier" in terms of giving appropriate weight to things and not dismissing it as an overreaction.

It's absolutely crucial that there is no time lag involved in recognising this.

OP, sorry for talking about you in the third person. I wish I could reach through the screen and grab you and DD out of there.[/quote]
He put his hands on my throat and endangered my children on purpose. My brain still wonders if I've blown it out of proportion due to the many years of him grooming me with his abuse. She will wonder if she's overreacted for a very long time yet.

His physical abuse is just going to escalate. He has already showed and told you on a number of occasions that he wants to kill you.

Please leave, if not for yourself, then for your daughter.

so sorry OP- wrong thread. Have reported and asked to be removed.

@helplesshopeless I really hope you are ok. I'm glad you're finding some space to yourself in the middle of this nightmare. I just wanted to flag up that this thread is getting quite full, and urge you to start a new one before it runs out. I think we all want to keep being there for you whatever the next step is.

Hugs from the assembled MN vipers.

I know you're all going to say get out, and I'm considering it, but I'm also taking the advice of the solicitor who has dealt with men like this before.

@helplesshopeless I'm sure no professional would tell you to stay in a house with a man who's being violent towards you OP- and he is.

Glad if you're getting rid of him in a few days.

I think OP has gone tbh.

She might have stopped posting if he's snooping on everything, I think I would.

I wondered about that. Would expect that's what's been happening based on his character

‘I know you're all going to say get out, and I'm considering it, but I'm also taking the advice of the solicitor who has dealt with men like this before.’

Ive commented before but possibly from a different username. Read all your threads. You do need to get out ASAP. His behaviour is dangerous, he’s heading towards a breakdown.

The difference between the solicitor advising you and the women commenting on your thread is that a lot of us have lived through this so we have first hand experience of what it’s actually like and how quickly it can escalate. My partner went from erratic behaviour, lots of verbal abuse to breaking into my bedroom at night / threatening suicide / stalking / major mental health crisis (luckily I had escaped before that).

I remember you said he’d mentioned his mental health and harming himself, he’s now talked of harming you and is behaving erratically. Now is the time to go. 3 women a week are killed in the UK by ex or current partners. Leave now.

I am worried about HH.