Bastard bingo around the campfire

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone...creating thread number 2 (or at least, attempting to...!) Link to old thread here

If that link doesn't work, I'll be forever indebted to any of you more mumsnet savvy folks helping me out!

I'll come back in a bit to post properly, thank you all again for your help and support

Oh shit HH, can you not take Dd & go to your parents? he sounds completely out of control. Almost anything could push him over the edge.
I dont believe for a minute that having your Dd present will stop him once he gets the email

I'm going to aim to get the email sent on Tuesday, when I'll be working at a friend's house and staying overnight there. He will be absolutely fine with our daughter (who will be at nursery all day). I'll just have to take it from there I guess, in terms of what happens on Wednesday, depending on how he reacts 🙈

That sounds very harrowing, HH.

I'm quite appalled that the police won't even caution him for his threatening and violent behaviour. Surely this wouldn't be tolerated in any other type of relationship?

Are your parents aware of how awful he is being? Could a relative have a word and get him to back off?

I don't know if any of the above is possible or would be useful but I hate the thought of you having to deal with this alone.

Will you be able to out of the house when he gets the solicitor's letter? He is likely to go ballistic and you need to stay safe.
So pleased that your new solicitor is on the ball and that things are moving forward.

I'm sending you sisterly strength to get through the coming weeks.

Stay strong and keep safe

Sending love and strength HH .No doubt now about your decision ,though I'm sorry he's showing how low he can go .

I bet it doesn't feel like it but you honestly are being amazing .Well done you !!

I was told once to imagine myself in a giant stretchy bubble that lets your words out but doesn't let stuff in .Your daughter will obviously be inside that bubble with you .

Deep breaths ,act as if you're calling and strong even when you don't feel it .You are getting there .It will get better .We're all here willing you on .

calling = calm

My god @helplesshopeless this sounds HORRENDOUS and I am going to be willing the time to come ASAP that you can be put of his immediate vicinity longterm.

I am so sorry this is happening, you obviously hoped for better and this must be incredibly draining and scary.

I have no advice just to support you and say you are doing the best you can in incredibly hostile, aggressive circumstances. I am so glad you are getting clear of him and the strength you must be summoning in front of your daughter is amazing.

Just keep communicating with people in your real life, keep the people in your circle aware and it will mean should you need them at a moment's notice it will be an easy call to make plus as awful as this sounds there will be 'witnesses'.
Sending you so much strength.

And yes @heirloomcurls I completely agree, I was shocked the police aren't doing anything or offering anything helpful - it's not as if there are not plenty of cases to learn from that needed an authority to step in for the safety of the complainant and child.

@helplesshopeless can you collect your daughter from daycare on the Tuesday and have her stay with you at your friend's? I just dread to think how he will respond to you on Wednesday, lock you out etc he clearly does not truly have his daughter's best interests at heart or he would not be behaving in such a wanton threatening and violent manner.

It is vile and again, just so sorry you are having to survive this.

Thinking of you and praying for a quick resolution which gets you and DD safely out. I am so glad your new solicitor is on the ball and I hope the fact that the police will take a statement now means they will speak to him.

Please be very careful.

Block entry to your room at night.

He truly is the horror we thought and he has been violent towards you.

I do hope you are keeping family and friends up to date.

So glad you are getting out.

Oh please, please just get you and DD out and away!

Oh fuck, just get out!

Here is a story when I was nineteen. I broke up with my boyfriend at the time who was displaying controlling and erratic tendencies (spot the pattern). Being young and naive, I then went round to his flat to collect my stuff. He locked me in the room and beat the shit out of me because I was hurting him so he was going to hurt me. Did I have the slightest idea he would do this? Of course not.

I understand that your situation is more complicated but I am afraid I don’t understand why you don’t take DD with you on Tuesday night and not go back. You can negotiate from a distance as the solicitor’s letter sets this in motion. I am guessing you have been advised by your solicitor that removing DD is a straight route to court.

Another story: when I was a few months out of my relationship with ex (the one I have been talking about on this thread), I was advised by Women’s Aid to let matters go to court. There were a number of reasons I did not take this advice, including the fact that I thought the court would order more than DS could manage and I also thought we would be able to resolve matters relatively quickly. I was wrong on both counts. I was also terrified of going against ex in court. I was no less terrified of this four years later when we did end up there. I ended up there because of issues relating to DS, which I won’t go into here. I don’t know what would have happened if I had taken the WA advice and let matters go to court in the first place. It is like being between a rock and a hard place, really. I think the outcome would have been worse as DS was old enough to explain his wishes by the time we got there. So while my gut is saying take DD and run, I see why you are not. At the same time, ex and I were not co-parenting in the same house and I was not subject to the level of daily pressure you are. Your well-being matters too.

There is a lot riding on your husband behaving himself around your DD and this being resolved quickly. As I said before I hope and pray that happens. You don’t need to explain to me or anyone else on this thread what you are doing and why because it will be taking all your energy to get through. I don’t expect a reply. I hope you get through quickly. I am glad you are reaching out for RL support. I wish you and DD well.

Please just leave with your daughter. He's assaulted you now- another line has been crossed and he'll continue to do it.
No email is going to help with that.
Think about what we've all been saying since the start: he's awful and will get worse and worse.
I'm actually angry with your solicitor for agreeing to you staying. No money, or even slightly more comfortable surroundings for your daughter (she'd be fine anywhere) are worth you being hurt.
Please please please leave

I've been reading your threads since the beginning, but have never commented before.

Your latest post has worried me so much to the point when I've needed to reply, you've always (and still continue to) say that he wouldn't do anything while your daughter is present, so you feel a bit safer when she's with you.

Yet in your latest post, he's come into HER bedroom and snatched your phone off you, repeatedly barged into you while she's been in the same room when you were baking, locked you out of the house with her inside, trodden on your foot while you were holding her..... Please, please keep yourself safe.

I know it's easier said than done, but all of the things you convinced yourself that he would never do, he has ended up doing.

I hope you get out of this situation as soon as you can, and once free, live the happy life that you deserve

*daily pressure in my post above = daily abuse

HH, I know you are considering getting out and I do hope you do. You say you are being guided by your solicitor but despite her experience she cannot predict how he will react and she is not an expert in domestic violence. Not has she read your thread from the start, to see how he has escalated and become more unstable over time. Maybe you cannot quite grasp that either but as outsiders, many on here can see it very clearly. We are so worried for you.

You are one of the most risky points for any woman when leaving. The following you around, bursting into the room, whispering abuse etc indicates some breakdown in his mental health and that makes him unpredictable and dangerous. You cannot guarantee he won't hurt you more seriously or indeed use your daughter to get back at you. I don't want to be alarmist but 'family annihilators' were rarely seen as a risk until they did it. He could do anything, you just don't know.

My father used to lock our mum out of the house, often at night, in her pyjamas in the cold, in bare feet. It's terrifying. If it happens again you must go to a neighbours and call the police as then you absolutely have a record of his behaviour that they can start taking seriously.

Stay strong.

Hi OP
Really glad you're ok(ish) and so glad you're engaging with the police. Well done on that count.

Adding my voice though to the others saying you do need to get yourself out. Throughout your journey in realising you need to leave and leaving, you've consistently attributed values and standards to him that he doesn't have, and later demonstrates that he doesn't have.

The latest is you're safe with DD around. You're not, demonstrably not:
Later on I was baking with my daughter in the kitchen and he came to watch, kept getting in my way deliberately, pretending to trip me and pretending to throw knives at me and so on
also deliberately stood on my bare feet once I'd managed to get inside, and pressed down on them while I was holding our daughter and getting her an ice lolly from the freezer

What's next? He's already being secretly verbally abusive to you in front of her. He's already secretly simulating violence to you in front of her. And now he's started quietly hurting you in front of her. I'm afraid I suspect he will only ramp this up now, to see if you'll cry out or continue to pretend to her that all is OK. He's consistently escalating what is now physical abuse. He doesn't have the boundary you seem to think he does here, if he did it's gone. I can't remember on whether you spoke to Women's Aid but I think you could do with a second opinion on your safety in staying in the house.

I'm not sure why you think (or perhaps it's just a vain hope) the email from your solicitor is going to make things better rather than worse. I think you need to really think about what would it take for you to leave with DD? As I think katysun said upthread about your divorce - where is your line, to leave with her? I'm guessing previously you'd have said violence - but now he has been, so what will it take? Having that clear for yourself at least maybe can help because if he crosses your line you don't second guess yourself, you go.

I'm really really hoping you're keeping your parents and friends in the loop here with how awful he's being and the police being involved? Please don't feel shame or fear in telling them, you need this support, you need the sunlight of their awareness in such a dark time.

I'm so sorry. This too will pass and better days are to come. Just keep yourself safe, and plan for the worst from him.

@Cavagirl is right, OP.

I'm so sorry, you're living in a horror film.

Well done for somehow getting through it so far. I hate to think of you trapped in a building with so much intense hatred. It's terrifying.

Things are hardly going to improve when he receives the letter, and I don't think you should hedge your bets on him acting more normally. He sounds dangerous. Sorry.

I hope your mum can help? Or someone? You shouldn't be there alone, at any time. You can't rely on your daughter to protect you against him. She's only 3.

It's a bit like that "Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny" scene at the end of The Shining. Basically I hope you can find a way to get the fuck out of there as fast as you can!

Sorry hh this sounds hard
I'm glad you have OM to support you

What are you hoping for? Co -living in the house together until finances are settled? Its just not possible. You cannot live like this, terrified ti sleep, bolting doors, looking over your shoulder constantly
He is deliberately trying to frighten you, he is completely paranoid you are recording, & its like a psycho thriller his whispering threats & frightening you....pretending to throw knives.
He has already threatened to push you under a car, & down the stairs.
He IS going to do something, he has already started by standing on your bare feet.
Can you not see how dangerous
You need to speak to the police again tell tgem he gas threatened to injure you then
You need to go & stay elsewhere urgently

He clearly is so viciously nasty and chooses to have NO self control.

I would be genuinely terrified that he might push you down a stairs and it would be your word against his.

I think you should log with 101 that you are afraid for your safety.

Log it and the incidents.

I am so shocked the police have said its a civil matter.

He has assaulted you.
He has locked you outside your house.

He has repeatedly been threatening and used intimation.

Unbelievable that the police think this is a civil matter.

I think it is your area, that is NOT normal.

HH,
I've come back today because the developments in your last posts have been preying on my mind and I'm sadly convinced that you're still underplayung how fucked up your STBX's behaviour is and underestimating how badly things could turn out on Tuesday.
I'm glad to see the viper chorus is in sych on this.

Here are some key developments that I have picked out to show you how things have escalated & how you have consistently given him the benefit of the doubt but have equally consistently been proved wrong, every single time, how you have expressed fear at times which shows that you know that he is dangerous.

There is a clear pattern of escalation of volatility and violence.

You need to get you and dd out.

Escalation over the last month. I haven't included yesterday's post which shows how he is now causing you physically harm while you have your daughter in your arms.

^I think I am expecting to have a lovely time, no tempers or unpleasantness
25/6

I don't feel safe with him.

He's committed to staying civil and calm while we're away 29/06

I know it sounds daft and naive but I think it will be fine.

he thinks I don't have a right to be angry or to any privacy given what I've done, and so I am overreacting. 30/06

he's done it twice before and found some of my notes I'd made for my individual therapy.

I know he won't do anything overly unpleasant while we're away as he's focussed on our daughter having a lovely time...The worst I'll get will be some nasty words (potentially extremely nasty!) if we have an argument. 2/7

My husband ... told me to 'grow some balls and admit it was over'. So I did. And then he told me I was a whore and to go and walk in front of a car. 5/7

Re my husband, yes I do feel safe. He went straight back into acting like nothing had happened in front of our daughter (minus the odd snide remark) and everything is calm now.

He was just changing in front of our daughter and she said 'I can see your willy!' And he actually said to her 'oh mummy isn't allowed to see it, she wants someone else's willy'

I sent him a message saying how despicable and out of order it was and to never ever say anything like that again to or in front of her. He's responded saying he's happy to discuss in person but he doesn't know what I'm talking about and we both know I have hearing issues. so it's clear how he's going to play this...

I don't really mind that he's denying it, I think it shows he knows he crossed a line and won't do it again, and that's the main thing.

He later came to me and admitted he made a mistake in saying what he did re the 'willy' comment but that he was disgusted that I was trying to document it and then basically spat awful verbal abuse at me. He's twisting everything on WhatsApp.

He's just said to me that he's going to make sure everyone at work knows what a worthless whore I am . hopefully once he calms down though he'll think that through and won't do it (he's threatened and subsequently retracted that before...)

Oh and just to confirm I am sleeping in a separate room with my DD tonight

I'm hearing you all about not knowing him or what he is capable of. To be honest I'm fairly panicked now at how things are going to play out (not while we're away, just generally in terms of divorce arrangements).

When I'm doubting myself I just keep thinking that his behaviour last night was abuse, and his behaviour since everything came out was abuse, and he was abusive way before anything came out 6/7

It's true that my husband ... is lashing out because he is in a great deal of pain... But it's also true that I need to wise up to what he is potentially capable of, especially with the kind of things he lashes out with, so that I can be prepared to take things forward in the way that I need to.

I have no idea how to handle him because as soon as I show a hint of trying to take control he absolutely lets rip with the lowest of the low behaviour. He even randomly comes out with spiteful things like how he won't help her make me birthday cards and Mother's Day cards, which I don't care about for me but she loves doing things like that. He's just being so selfish
8/7

I was just in the middle of emailing my solicitor so quickly shut off my phone, and he decided that I'd been writing notes on him. He got really aggressive, tried to wrestle my phone off me; 16/7

While he was saying this, he was writing really unpleasant messages on his phone and showing them to me to read (ie so nothing would be recorded).

One of the messages he showed me to read silently said 'watch out on the stairs, they can be slippy'

Plus, he doesn't do any of these things in front of her, and taking her out the house to stay elsewhere will only trigger him further.

He's continuing to be extremely manipulative but no further physical threats. 18/7^

I have to say that I am shocked to hear that neither police nor her solicitor think that she is in danger. This is unbelievable. From what I see this man is a psychopath and nobody can tell what he may or may not do. I would not spend another minute in that house with him.

Dear OP get out of the house before it is too late!!!!!