Bastard bingo around the campfire

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone...creating thread number 2 (or at least, attempting to...!) Link to old thread here

If that link doesn't work, I'll be forever indebted to any of you more mumsnet savvy folks helping me out!

I'll come back in a bit to post properly, thank you all again for your help and support

And me. Please, @helplesshopeless let us know how things are, if it is safe to do so?

I don't want to add to your immensely heavy burden, OP -- just to wish you all the energy and strength you need to get through this horrible situation. I know you'll update us when it's safe to do so and when you are less exhausted from being pummelled into the ground.

[KormasABitch = "the artist formerly known as Alcemeg" 😂]

I wonder how much the OP's husband had time to read on her phone when he snatched it from her and locked her out ?

I guess she posted on MN from her phone ?

Has anyone sent her a private message ? Is that worth a try ?

Hi everyone, so sorry for being so quiet. Just have a lot to deal with and so much going on! I'll make sure I come back and give a quick update at some point tomorrow. Thank you all for your thoughts

Oh thank god you are ok and still posting

Oh thank goodness.

@helplesshopeless.
Maybe you don't understand just how much those of us, who have previously been where you are now, were fearing the very worst. Due to what we all know comes next.

Not that you should feel you have to update!

But just a reason why we are so concerned, and so very relieved and happy at you posting again

The relief at seeing OP post was palpable. I have read through all of your posts and am worried. Sending you my strength.

Hi everyone, sorry for being so useless updating on here 🙈

I'm fine. Things have calmed down a lot recently. We didn't end up getting the letters out from my solicitor until the end of Wednesday which was stressful as I was conscious that I'd be home that evening and it wouldn't give him much chance to digest things!

His initial reaction was that I had set us on a path to several years in court, and he was very unpleasant about that. He was very shaken up that the letter mentioned that I had reported him to the police, and clearly that has tempered his behaviour the last few days. He's done a few nasty things though, including ripping up a really sentimentally valuable item of mine in relation to my late grandad, which is irreplaceable 😔 and he's also taken and hidden the documentation that came with my engagement ring.

But, he has now spoken to a solicitor himself and I think he's realised that I am trying to be straight forward and get things sorted as soon as possible, so he has calmed down a lot and is just working on getting our finances straight so he can respond to our letter. I'm hopeful that he's also going to agree to the proposed arrangements for our daughter (I proposed 6/14 nights with him) as he's said a few things around child maintenance which indicate he's not planning on taking me to court to fight for more time.

I'm the meantime, I've found a house I want to buy! It's close by, in the right catchment for the school we want, and they have no chain so can move quickly. I'm just trying to build up the courage to tell him about it, as I don't want him to use that as some sort of tool to block me moving forward eg slowing the financials down so I can't get the house.

Amidst all of this, I do feel sad and guilty for what I've done to him. It's a sad ending to what I envisaged our life to be when we got married, and I'm still wrestling with sadness and guilt over the impact on our daughter. Ridiculously, I am agonising over the impact on her of me having a new baby with someone else 🙈 which will be years away, if it happens! Also feeling sad that his whole family have blocked me on all forms of social media, even though I won't really miss any of them at all. So I'm in a lot of turmoil but feel like I'm generally through the worst of the living situation that I was in prior to getting the solicitors on board.

Thanks again to you all for all of your wise words and support, you really have kept me afloat these last few months!

Well done HH, thanks for the update.
You don't need to worry about updating us, I think people just wanted to know you were safe. I'd love to hear how the new house etc goes, if you feel like updating though! X

Thank goodness you are safe.

Reporting him to the police is always a good option with nasty abusive men.

He knows now that there is a record of him and with ego maniacs like him, that makes them wary.

Do not hesitate to report him.

His deliberately damaging your belongings should be reported to your solicitor and let her advise you whether you should further involve the police.

Your daughter is going to be fine.
This was never going to be a long term relationship.

Remember everything began from him treating you like shit for years.

His dreadful behaviour towards you caused your marriage to end.

You need to be clear in your head regarding that.

I hope family and friends are supportive.

Stay strong, you have a great future ahead of you, once you get rid of this awful excuse of a man.

Well done OP, you sound like a completely different person to a few months back. How do you feel in yourself? I don’t mean re your husband or daughter but just - as a person? Has it been good getting out of the house a bit? Have your family been nice?

I would imagine having spoken to a solicitor that he has realised how much several years in court will cost, and yes, that there is nothing to be gained as you are being straightforward. It is last gasp of trying to control (I hope).

I am sorry about the item belonging to your late grandad, though, that is dreadful. It surely tells you that you are doing the right thing. I agree that you should let your solicitor know and also she can include in her next letter that he releases the paperwork relating to your engagement ring back to you.

Anyway, I wish you well. I hope he does not stall you with the house. Best wishes

Nice to hear back from you OP and glad that you are safe and OK. Agree with foxglove, you sound strong, assured and in control which is really, really great.

As always though a few comments from me to reflect on if you want to...
It's a sad ending to what I envisaged our life to be when we got married this is of course true and utterly understandable

I do feel sad and guilty for what I've done to him
This is absolutely not. You haven't "done" anything to him other than been the unfortunate conduit by which the consequences of his own actions have been served. It's not personal. This is who he is, and this is how he behaves in relationships, and these are the consequences of that. He could have married someone else, he'd have been in the same way, and the chances are he'd be at this point with her as well.
As I said before, you drop a glass, it breaks. Gravity doesn't feel guilty. You shouldn't feel guilty.

I'm still wrestling with sadness and guilt over the impact on our daughter
Feeling sad is fully understandable but grieve for the marriage and family life you deserved and didn't get. Don't look back and make the mistake of believing it was available to you, and you rejected it to choose a different path. It was never available to you, with him, and the path you've chosen given your options is the far far better one for you and her.

Ridiculously, I am agonising over the impact on her of me having a new baby with someone else
Does this ultimately come back to your standard of the "perfect nuclear family" to which you'd previously aspired? Is it that, actually, you're agonising over the concept itself of another child with a different father, and projecting that feeling onto her? A lot needs to happen before you get to this point, and - given all else you have on your plate - perhaps you need to be strict with yourself about parking these thoughts for another day, if you can.

At some point, please do get back into counselling. In the meantime wishing you much continued strength. You're getting through this, you're doing it, keep going.

Just dropping by to wish you all the best dear women. You are kind and loving and you are strong and smart and you will get through this.

Today is the day my STBX is leaving the house. My emotions are all over the place for sure. I know now that it will be a while before I feel happy and content, but I know that this is the right thing to do, for both of us. You will be here too, soon I hope, but you are much younger then me and your whole life is still ahead of you.

I will be thinking of you

@loveyourself2020

Just dropping by to wish you all the best dear women. You are kind and loving and you are strong and smart and you will get through this.

Today is the day my STBX is leaving the house. My emotions are all over the place for sure. I know now that it will be a while before I feel happy and content, but I know that this is the right thing to do, for both of us. You will be here too, soon I hope, but you are much younger then me and your whole life is still ahead of you.

I will be thinking of you

Finally, the day has arrived. Have you continued to sleep on the floor?

If so, good riddance to bad rubbish.
Great to see the back of him.

Sleep well tonight.

@billy1966 Yup, slept on the floor for three months, more or less. You see, I am sure my STBX did not think that there was anything wrong with that since I was the one who wanted to live the marriage and not sleep in the same bed. Anyway, it is over now. Tonight, I am going to put on the new sheets I bought, light some incense and put some soothing music on. Hopefully, I will be able to sleep as I am really looking forward to it. Thank you billy.

@helplesshopeless

Such a shame that you feel sad and guilty about what you've "done to him", when he is the one who should feel sad and guilty about what he did to you.

Instead, he feels furious anger and spite about what you've "done to him" and is no longer showing sadness or guilt about what he did to you, and is still doing.

So sorry he destroyed something irreplaceable of your grandfather's, what an incredibly nasty thing to do.

Sleep well and get those locks changed.

You don't want the rubbish thinking it can walk back into the house at anytime.

HH With regard to the item that was ripped up, if you've managed to salvage the pieces a good conservator/restorer can work wonders, so worth bearing in mind for further down the road.

We are nearing the end of this thread. I wonder HH if you would like to start a new one? Either way, take care and all the best to you.

Good to 'see' you, HH, and to hear that further progress is being made and that you are bearing up.

Here's hoping your STBXH can keep himself in check over the coming weeks so that the practicalities can be finalised and you can move forward as quickly and smoothly as possible.

Sounds like the solicitors between them (and the threat of the police) have done the trick. I have no doubt based on everything you have written that he will continue to be a (expletive of your choice!), but now his abusive behaviour is 'out there' he'll probably reign things in. Sounds very much like his priority right now is to be seen to be playing nice and being fair, so that's good.

The others are right: you do sound stronger and more sure of yourself compared to before, in spite of the inevitable doubts and 'wobbles' about feeling guilty.

You are doing the right thing for you and your little girl. You will be so much happier once all this is behind you, and she will benefit from that.

Take care

PS Please do come back one day and let us know how you're getting on. Those of us who have been following you from the beginning and have posted would love to learn the 'happy ending', but I always think of the lurkers, those women living through something similar who may find the strength to act thanks to what they read here. I am regularly blown away by the level of support and insightful advice given, but I think the updates, sometimes years down the line are, although rarer, just as important for them to have faith that the risk is worth it.

loveyourself2020, wishing you well too, in your new life!

Wow OP you've made so much progress -- not least, as other PPs have said, in terms of your whole approach! WELL DONE!!!

Re his family blocking you but you not liking any of them, sounds like a nice result really, if you can just accept it for what it is. My DH#1's mother wanted nothing more to do with me, and I remember thinking that was just about the one thing I could feel delighted about while we were going through all the mess of our split.

Your STBX's paranoia about you stitching him up for $$$ may be a bit like the jealous spouse who has affairs themselves: people often project their own weaknesses onto others. Hopefully his relief at you not taking him to the cleaners will temper his need to punish you financially.

Good luck OP, onwards and upwards! So exciting about you finding a house, I hope it works out for you.