Does love come back/what do I do

[helplesshopeless]

Nc for this.

Advice needed please, I've created a huge mess and can't see a way out/what is for the best. This may be long.

I am married with a 3yo. DH has always had a nasty temper, I've suggested anger management counselling numerous times but to no avail. The last few years since having my child have been really difficult. He's generally spoken to me with contempt and disdain a lot of the time, with occasional temper flashes, arguments are always toxic, things could get very nasty (never physical). On a day to day basis we would be civil enough to eachother, but nasty looks and snappiness from him were definitely daily as well, with bigger flare ups fairly regularly. We have had happy family times too and we both dote on our child.

All of this treatment from my DH culminated in my withdrawing from him and ultimately having an affair the last few months, with someone who made me feel loved and cared for. It was mainly an emotional affair but there was a small amount of physical contact (we did not have sex). This is someone that I work with, so although we're wfh at the moment, he is in team zoom meetings etc.

My DH found everything out last week. He is angry but also devastated. I have never seen him so upset and it has shocked me that he cares that much about me. He has completely woken up to how he's been treating me and is committed to having anger management therapy and working on things with me. I obviously am ashamed of what I have done and there is no excuse for my behaviour, but he does recognise that his treatment of me took me to a place where I was open to someone else. I still can't believe I had an affair because it is so against my morals and I fully deserve to be judged for it.

We are working on things and will get relationship counselling. There's a lot of self esteem issues that my husband struggles with, especially since we had our child as he's felt like he's been stuck on the outside looking in, and he thinks this is why he's been treating me how he has. I do understand this and it makes sense, but it doesn't change how he's treated me in the past and how damaging I have found it.

My husband wants me to leave my work so there's no interaction with the other man. I totally understand his point but am reluctant to do this as I'd then feel trapped.

I want to get back to a happy place with my husband. I don't want to feel trapped with him. I don't know if I can find my way back to loving him, whether all of this is coming too late after years of awful treatment. I accept I have behaved in a disgusting way and deserve all of this fall out, and am so worried about the impact on our child and how I'd manage if we separate. I am also concerned about the impact on my husband if things don't work as he has been explaining how it will crush him and he'd never be able to trust anyone again if we don't manage to work through this.

I just don't know if my heart is in this anymore, I want to be able to be happy with him and love him and our family deserves for me to work on this and fully commit to getting back on track, but I have no idea if I'll ever get back to where I need to be.

I am ashamed to admit I still have feelings for the other guy. I could obviously never be with him anyway so that is irrelevant, but it's clouding my judgement. I need to hear from people who have learnt to love their husbands again. Is that a thing? Will we ever get there?

I still can't believe any of this is happening.

[Dozycuntlaters]

Firstly, do not give up your job, that's so important.

Inherently we are who we are, so although your husband may be trying now only time will tell if he can keep it up, but sadly I imagine he will slip back to who he was, once he has you even more dependent on him.

My marriage was like this on a lesser scale, and every time he told me to fuck off or sling my hook or call me an idiot a piece of my love died and in the end it was gone. Just gone. And I left. I really do think once those feelings have gone it is very hard to get them back, and quite frankly I',m not sure he deserves it. Your emotional affair was an exit affair, a catalyst for you to see there is a different life out there for you.

He's only being nice because he doesn't want you to go, he honestly won't stay nice.

[Dozycuntlaters]

I am also concerned about the impact on my husband if things don't work as he has been explaining how it will crush him and he'd never be able to trust anyone again if we don't manage to work through this

See how manipulating that is. He treats you like shit for years and then makes out that it's all your fault and he'll never trust again. Do you see how fucked up that is? Don't buy into it, this is is fault not yours.

[stoopider]

Do not give up your job.

Why couldn’t you be with the other guy? He sounds lovely and your husband has been treating you like shit for years. You have the opportunity to be happy. It’s admirable that your husband is now seeking help but that doesn’t excuse all those years.

[Sakurami]

Having an affair is bad . However, I wouldn't want to be with your husband.

Don't give up your job as that will make you more dependent on your husband.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

His actions are not loving ones, these are about power and control and your H wants absolute over you. The "nice" times you describe are really all a part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

There is no happy place for you with this man and never was (he showed you a mirage and/or an act of a nice guy he cannot maintain), he will merely continue to abuse both you and his child if you remain within this relationship. It is likely also that when you gave birth he further upped the power and control antes against you and was thoroughly hacked off that your attention was now on your child rather than he, an inadequate human being who sees himself as the big man. He is nothing but a bully towards you and in turn your child too. Do not keep making excuses for him like a poor childhood either, many people have not ideal childhoods either but they choose not to abuse their spouse in turn. Its always someone else's fault in the mind of an abuser, never theirs. Such men too hate women, ALL of them. Look at his parents OP, they will also give you clues.

Your H does not dote on his child if he treats you abusively as you are describing. Nor is he a good parent to his child. You've basically become worn down and out by his abuses of you. Abuse too is not and does not have to be solely physical in nature.

Do not ever undertake any form of joint relationship counselling with him. Any decent counsellor should know anyway that joint counselling is a non starter here because of the abuses he metes out to you. If counselling is to begin obtain this ON YOUR OWN, you need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment. You are not emotionally safe enough to undertake any form of joint counselling with him so please do not do that.

He also telling you to leave your job is another red flag; doing that will only further isolate you socially and financially leaving you further vulnerable to your abuser H. Do not leave your employment.

AM courses and the like are of no use whatsoever when abuse is in a relationship. Interesting that he is suggesting that now, this is because he has sensed that you are getting stronger and or wanting to be serious about leaving him. He won't let go of you that easily hence all this self serving nonsense about him attending AM courses now.

What you did re the other man although wrong, was in some ways understandable because you may see this other man as someone actually nice to talk to and/or a way out from your own miserable abusive marriage. You need time and space away from both this other man and your H. Neither are right for you really and you need to rebuild your life now with your child. Abuse like you describe takes time, perhaps years even, to recover from and whilst you are under the same roof recovery is not going to happen. You have a choice re this man, your child does not.

Please get more support for yourself from Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. If you also feel at any time unsafe call the police. What he is doing to you is coercive control and that in itself is a crime.

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your comments. I was expecting much more backlash about what I did!

I understand what most of you are saying about a cycle of abuse and manipulation. I honestly don't think that's the case here. He is at his core not a bad person. He reacts badly to stress and takes it out on those around him (me), and a lot of his reactions are driven by very low self esteem and panic that he's not good enough. Of course my recent actions have now exacerbated this fear of not being good enough. He's always treated our child well and loves her to pieces, and is genuinely a good dad.

I don't think he's trying to manipulate me, he is genuinely thinking very deeply about his issues and is ashamed of how he's behaved. He says whilst he hates what I've done he thinks it could be a trigger for him really improving himself and he's truly committed to that. I don't know if I've explained it well, I'd never felt like he would ever hurt me, it was just a build up of many micro aggressions, snappiness etc with the occasional blow up. I don't think it was full on abuse.

Re my work, I do feel like I need to make a commitment to seeing if this could work, and he's said it's a deal breaker for him. He suggested I move firms to do the same role elsewhere, which is an option but I just don't want to. I don't want to start again elsewhere, I've worked here for nearly 12 years and have strong working relationships and enjoy my role.

I just don't know what to do. If I knew things would get better and I could love him again I think I would leave my work. But I don't want to do that yet. And he wants me to leave so that he can relax about the other guy and see that I'm committed to this, which I understand.

We've been talking and analysing for a week now and I just need headspace, but he's very clingy and wants to talk constantly. I understand why but I'm exhausted. Haven't eaten for a week. Just feel totally lost.

It's such a mess.

[Dozycuntlaters]

But acting badly when stressed is just a cop out. Life is stressful at times and always will be, it's not an excuse to treat you badly.

He says you not leaving work is a deal breaker.......but him treating you
like shit should be a deal breaker for you. Have separate counselling (do not go together) and stop talking so much with him. I bet your talking with him is all about how sad he is, how much you have upset him, how stressed he has been. Tell him to stop being so clingy,
give you some space so you can breath. Im sorry if I sound harsh but I've been there, and it exhausted me.

I'll say it again, do not leave your job. This man IS manipulating you to get what he wants and he will not change.

[Chocolateismakingmefat]

Do know for sure he will be throwing your affair back at you forever more....my exh wrongly suspected I had cheated and never let up.. Once ten years post divorce he rang me from a phone box asking me to at last admit I had shagged the neighbour as he was across the road from him now and he could at last confront him!! Bonkers!!
You have feelings for another man. That is allowed! You are in an abusive relationship.. Neither of those things will change. Leave him for good. Even if the other man isn't on scene - now you know there can be another man /life out there.

[TheThermalStair]

He reacts badly to stress and takes it out on those around him (me), and a lot of his reactions are driven by very low self esteem and panic that he's not good enough.

Oh! I've met one of these weasels before. Their last resort excuse is that you are oh so wonderful and therefore I lash out because I know I'm not good enough and that one day you will leave me because you are so wonderful etc etc. It's a fairly clever - because on the surface it's flattering - way to blame your behaviour on another person. It also allows him to "agree" with you that he's behaved like shit, which he's done because you are so wonderful and he's not good enough blah blah... But the end result is still that his behaviour is your fault, not his.

It ignores that he chooses to behave like a prick. I work with some people who are far more talented and experienced in the job than me. Truly if I think about them it gives me low self esteem because they're a lot better. Is my reaction to give them evil looks, be unkind, snap, be disdainful, have blazing rows etc? Amazingly it is not. My partner is kind, talented, handsome and brilliant at housework. Is my reaction to do him down, criticise, glare, and make him feel upset and trapped? Fascinatingly it is not. Nor would yours be, OP. Because you are nice. You don't get your kicks from making people feel shit. Your partner does. That is who he is. It's awful but it's true.

You want to stop feeling "trapped" with him and I think all your instincts are right. Do not trap yourself further with no job, no income, nowhere else to go or other people to be with.

[DM1209]

Walk away from this marriage. You will be better off for this in the long run.

I don't condone your affair and I hope you have learned from it.

Your husbands reaction at the moment is coming from a place of 'fuck, someone else wants her!!' That's the shock factor and while I can accept that he acknowledges his behaviour, I do not believe he can sustain a long term change for the better.

Your husband has shown you for years who he is, pay attention.
He cannot cope with the idea of someone else having you. It is a possession thing, not love.

Also, none of his remorse takes from the abuse and neglect he has showed you for the last however many years.

Do not give up your job and walk away.

[38greenbottles]

it will crush him and he'd never be able to trust anyone again
Look, it's not abnormal for him to feel this in the moment but it's just not true, is it. I remember a friend (whose H had just run off with a floozie from his work) saying this, and obvs I didn't say anything but at the time I thought she was being ridiculous and dramatic, and obvs I didn't bring this up either when she got engaged again a few years later!

[helplesshopeless]

I bet your talking with him is all about how sad he is, how much you have upset him, how stressed he has been. Tell him to stop being so clingy,
give you some space so you can breath.

You're right, that is a lot of what we're discussing. However we're also discussing a lot of his previous behaviours, what drove those actions, how remorseful he is. He's also asked me to be more forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings as we work through this and I said that whenever he's not talking to me/asking questions my brain needs to switch off and have space, and he was completely understanding of that.

Do know for sure he will be throwing your affair back at you forever more

Yep, another accurate point! He's actually brought up himself that he's concerned that could be an issue and he doesn't want it to be, and he wants to address this.

You don't get your kicks from making people feel shit. Your partner does. That is who he is. It's awful but it's true.

He has actually said himself that he intentionally says hurtful things to me when he is angry, and he knows it's wrong to do that, and he doesn't mean them.

I honestly don't know where my head is at. While I agree with what all of you are saying, I also know that he genuinely does want to address his issues that cause him to behave as he does. He's already made steps towards getting therapy for his self esteem and anger issues.

He's really trying. I just don't know if it's all too late for me. I wish I'd made it clear to him earlier how bad his behaviour was, before I'd got myself into the affair, then maybe I'd feel like we could work things out. I also need to be thinking of what is best for our child, and surely working towards a stable happily family unit would be best for her, if we can achieve that.

[TheThermalStair]

Honestly OP I think when you keep repeating "I don't know if it's all too late for me", what you may mean is "I know it's too late for me to love him again, but should I grit my teeth and pretend?"

working towards a stable happily family unit would be best for her, if we can achieve that Saying this gently, that may be the "ideal", but a stable happy family unit is one in which all family members are happy. Not one where a toddler is happy until she catches on that things are very tense because she's caught between one angry parent and one sad one (who tried to have an exit affair but didn't make it to the exit).

I can't remember if you said you were going to counselling, but I think it's actually you who needs it as much as/more than him. You need someone you can speak to honestly and help you think over what you want your life to be like, and how realistic your plan to stay really is.

[HollowTalk]

I think it's the end of the relationship, tbh. He's been absolutely awful to you. Now he has something on you, something to beat you with. You've had a good relationship with another man and presumably know that you want that kind of relationship from now on, even if it's not with the OM. You're not going to get that with your husband. He's already got the anger but now he'll be (quite naturally) paranoid as well. How on earth can that lead to a happy marriage?

[ravenmum]

Don't give up your job at your husband's request, but if you are able to get another (maybe even better?) job elsewhere then it could put you in a better position than being in the same workplace as your AP, whether you stay with him or not.

Get yourself private counselling, not with your abuser.

[ravenmum]

I wish I'd made it clear to him earlier how bad his behaviour was
You suggested anger management courses. That should have been more than enough. He was there too and knew himself how crap his behaviour was without you pointing it out.

[Aquamarine1029]

You know exactly who your husband is and yet you're still making excuses for him. He is a gaslighting, manipulative abuser. End of story. If you quit that job and stay with him, he will emotionally beat you to death forever as punishment. He will never stop being abusive.

Take off the blinders and get the hell out. There is nothing to save here.

[MadMadMadamMim]

Don't leave your job.

Leave your husband instead.

Agree with all the others that he's a manipulative shit. He treated you like dirt for years and is now shocked and 'devastated' that you've had enough and you met someone else.

Well, well, well. Here come the consequences of my own actions...

I think your marriage is over. He'll never let you forget the fact that you betrayed him - even though his behaviour was appalling. This will just become another stick to beat you with and another way of controlling you.

And to answer your question - No. Love doesn't come back. You opened your eyes and saw what he was like. You won't magically fall back in love with him again, nor he with you frankly.

[helplesshopeless]

Honestly OP I think when you keep repeating "I don't know if it's all too late for me", what you may mean is "I know it's too late for me to love him again, but should I grit my teeth and pretend?"

That is so true. Maybe if I pretend for long enough I can start to feel it again?! Maybe it's enough if he does get better behaved with counselling to just be reasonably ok with life?

For those that have suggested individual counselling, I think you're right. I need help sorting through things in my own mind more than anything else.

You know exactly who your husband is and yet you're still making excuses for him.

I get why you're saying this, I really do. But everything I'm saying is true, I honestly don't think it is as black and white as it comes across.

Is the other guy married or available?

He is available. However if I ever ended up with him in the future I know my husband would make it absolute hell. And regardless of that I'd need to just put my child first for a good while if we split, before I could explore anything else.

[emmylousings]

So really, even though you know deep down inside you don't love him anymore, you are afraid to leave him because you fear he will continue to punish you... please be honest with yourself. He's just trapping you. Do not leave your job, it's just another way he's controlling you.

[TheThermalStair]

Sad to hear that's how you're feeling. It does sound like you're having glimmers of a world where you and your child live in a non-horrible home environment. I think this is the moment where you're wondering if you "owe" it to your child to suck up the mistreatment and rage and cruelty from your partner. Ask yourself, would you want to be the child in that situation? At the time let alone if you realise later that's what you were?

What's your next step OP?

[MazekeenSmith]

I had an exit affair after a very similar marriage to yours. However unfortunately I also agreed to work on it instead of leaving and we dragged it out for another two years. Spoiler alert it didn't get better and I'd lost the moral high ground so his motivation to change fell to less than zero. Don't make the same mistake I did. Lose the husband and keep the job.

[BeagleEagle]

@helplesshopeless

*I bet your talking with him is all about how sad he is, how much you have upset him, how stressed he has been. Tell him to stop being so clingy,
give you some space so you can breath.*

You're right, that is a lot of what we're discussing. However we're also discussing a lot of his previous behaviours, what drove those actions, how remorseful he is. He's also asked me to be more forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings as we work through this and I said that whenever he's not talking to me/asking questions my brain needs to switch off and have space, and he was completely understanding of that.

Do know for sure he will be throwing your affair back at you forever more

Yep, another accurate point! He's actually brought up himself that he's concerned that could be an issue and he doesn't want it to be, and he wants to address this.

You don't get your kicks from making people feel shit. Your partner does. That is who he is. It's awful but it's true.

He has actually said himself that he intentionally says hurtful things to me when he is angry, and he knows it's wrong to do that, and he doesn't mean them.

I honestly don't know where my head is at. While I agree with what all of you are saying, I also know that he genuinely does want to address his issues that cause him to behave as he does. He's already made steps towards getting therapy for his self esteem and anger issues.

He's really trying. I just don't know if it's all too late for me. I wish I'd made it clear to him earlier how bad his behaviour was, before I'd got myself into the affair, then maybe I'd feel like we could work things out. I also need to be thinking of what is best for our child, and surely working towards a stable happily family unit would be best for her, if we can achieve that.

You're in the remorse part of the emotional abuse cycle. Check this out - does it track?

[helplesshopeless]

Thank you for all of your responses - I've read the last few too but will have to wait until tomorrow now during my workday when I can respond properly. Really appreciate all of your thoughts.