The 'all men watch porn' mentality

[mag2305]

I've been looking for support in different places recently as my husband is battling a porn addiction. I've looked at various support groups, articles, videos, etc, and also, forum threads like on Mumsnet. Everyone has their own experiences and opinions on porn, fair enough. But I'm also amazed by the number of women who are adament that they're 'totally OK with it'... It's normal'. Of course, women may enjoy porn themselves whilst in a relationship, although through my research I know it's a lot less than men and I wonder if women get addicted in the numbers that men do.

My experience... I've been with my husband for 4 years. His porn addiction goes back to his teenage years. Alongside this, he has also had depression and anxiety for many years so was vulnerable to something like porn addiction. I only found out about his porn use half way into our relationship. For him, when it's bad, it's been frequent watching at times, daily. Also at times when he's particularly low. He's lied about it over and over again but has also had more honest times where he's said what a battle it is in his mind. From my perspective, it's warped his mind. He looks at other women a lot as we walk/drive along and has said he gets arousing thoughts. If he doesn't watch porn, he feels compelled to masturbate. Maybe this is OK in moderation but again, it's been frequent, and he's also masturbated to thoughts of our female friends and his exs. OK, this is a fantasy type thing but added to the porn, it's not a great situation.

This has had such a damaging impact on our marriage. I wonder how many other people could say the same? Are some women just in denial that porn, etc isn't a problem?

Morally, my personal position is that I hate it. It's a horrible industry with many sad stories behind the scenes. Degrades both women and men.
And strangely enough, my husband hates a lot of it too but doesn't allow himself to think about it in that way. Is it entertainment or a corruption of mind, body and soul? As a mum to a little boy, I would hate to think of him watching porn in his early teens and getting hooked into it. Thinking that it's all normal stuff and that's what real sex is like.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post but I suppose I'm just surprised by the number of women who are 'OK with it'.

Completely agree with you OP. There is a really strange attitude from many men and women that Porn is somehow really normal and OK.

It’s not OK. On so many levels. It is not just ‘watching someone have sex’. It is not innocent or harmless. Anything but.

• It’s not good for our brains to watch porn.
• It’s not good for our RL relationships to watch porn.
• It can be addictive
• Many seek out more intense/extreme porn as it becomes a ‘hit’
• The porn industry is dodgy as fuck.
• Online is so easy, so addictive and encourages a frequency of porn watching that is wiring our sexual brains in a very unhealthy way.
• Having sex with men who watch a fair bit of porn is not great.
• The sexual stereotypes, often misogynistic with undertones of paedophilia is bad for our society - think girls now shaving everywhere and feeling that they have to be hyper sexualised, think anime porn in teenagers with young girls portrayed... to many to mention

And that is before we even get to the exploitation within those in the porn industry.

My Ex told our teenage son that Porn was totally OK. What an asshole.

It's worse than alcohol in that its all so shameful and secretive, and doesn't have massive consequences like being arrested for drunk driving or getting cirrhosis of the liver would. So porn addicts don't get help. Partners of porn addicts don't talk about what happens at home. And in my experience if you say that's why you've left, a load of assumptions get made by some that the partner was using porn because they didn't get enough sex at home, or you are a prude. I feel to leave an alcoholic is more socially acceptable.

Thank you for posting this Quentin. My husband isn't a porn addict but he was watching it in secret (I accidentally found out). I tried to tell someone about it and it was all down played and I ended up feeling like I was making a fuss about nothing... along the lines of all men do it, at least he isn't having an affair etc. I hate porn. I have decided to stay (young dc in the mix) but my relationship which admittedly wasn't perfect has deteriorated further. The worst part is I have lost trust and respect. I also agree about posts re. concerns that teen boys are watching it with it being so easily accessible, I fear for my daughter.

@zelda5478573489 you're right, people often do play it down and I think that's why women who have been effected need to talk and be open about it. Of course, as this thread shows, on the one extreme you get the pro porn women and on the other you get the 'just throw the husbands out' brigade. Neither of those viewpoints are particularly helpful when you don't want a family to break up, especially with young children in the mix.

I've felt hurt, anger, insecurity and cried a lot over this. But I think my husband is and can be better than his reliance on porn. Maybe it's going to take a lot more harder work but I don't want porn to win. I hate it too much to let it win.

OP you've been married 4 years, how long has he been working on this issue since you've been married? Is he currently using porn?

I think I’d take over the internet OP for a start. Of course he will have his phone with mobile networks. However it is totally OK to not want porn to be paid for and normalised within the household by the family.

Then I think he needs to go and get professional help. I’d be telling him the truth, in that he is ruining your sex life. If sex and his marriage are important to him, then that gives him two massive reasons to sort his shit out.

Only when he’s been for professional help would I then start working on the marriage with him, whether it’s professionally helped or not. However whilst he has his porn there is no point as it’s haunting your lives.

I appreciate your financial advice but also find it quite amusing that you probably both assumed that because I'm the woman, that I'm the one who needs to sort myself out financially

Come on now OP..

There are many stay at home parents on mumsnet and tale after tale of people finding out some sordid secret or other but being royally shafted with no money and nowhere to go. Thankfully that isn't your situation.

Hope for the best plan for the worst was the point I was trying to make. I advise anyone in an uncertain situation to do this because it makes sense, not because they're a woman!

I read a study somewhere which said that 80% of male respondents watch porn. I think that's most likely true but it's obviously up to you if you accept that activity and it's understandable if you don't.

@RantyAnty I've known for about 17 months, found out just before the first lock down which made it doubly hard for obvious reasons. In that time he has seen a therapist. He's had spells of abstinence but has been on a slippery slope too. We're talking about a person here who also suffers from times of depression and has constant anxiety. His porn use is largely for that quick dopamine effect and that's where the addiction is. He thinks so little of himself and gets caught up in a cycle of shame. He's just started with a new therapist.
@Rejoiningperson yep, all devices like phone and laptop have to be under my watch now. That's also my husband's decision. It doesn't take the problem away but it lessens the opportunity. He knows that it's sort it out or lose it all. I say exactly what I think, don't hold back.

I do wonder how people know their other half doesn't watch porn and how they can be so sure of it? Unless you're with them 24/7, 7 days a week it's impossible to truly know, internet history can be deleted, using other methods to view it can be used. I just don't understand how people can be 100% sure they don't watch it.

@PennyDreadful66 I don’t know if anyone can be 100%. However I think there are signs if someone is a regular viewer. Similar to someone cheating. I think that it causes problems in a relationship such as being very protective of their own ‘time’, sexual differences, views on how sex should be / women should look in the bedroom etc. My Ex probably wasn’t that habitual about porn, but whilst I was pregnant he markedly went off sex for a bit. It did hurt my feelings as I decidedly did not go off sex being pregnant! I also had less tenderness and affection from him.

Realised a year later he’d turned to porn instead. So even though I didn’t know, it had a big effect on us.

[quote Rejoiningperson]@PennyDreadful66 I don’t know if anyone can be 100%. However I think there are signs if someone is a regular viewer. Similar to someone cheating. I think that it causes problems in a relationship such as being very protective of their own ‘time’, sexual differences, views on how sex should be / women should look in the bedroom etc. My Ex probably wasn’t that habitual about porn, but whilst I was pregnant he markedly went off sex for a bit. It did hurt my feelings as I decidedly did not go off sex being pregnant! I also had less tenderness and affection from him.

Realised a year later he’d turned to porn instead. So even though I didn’t know, it had a big effect on us.[/quote]
That sucks I'm sorry, I just meant in general really like I'm not saying all men watch porn or anything of the sort but I just don't understand how you can know whether someone is watching it or not, I guess I mean casual viewers if that's a thing.

*Having seen porn is not the same as continuing to watch porn, let alone it being a current regular habit_

Exactly. In my late teens/early 20s the lads in the student house we were living in brought a DVD back and us girls watched it out of curiosity. It featured One Night In Paris (Hilton), Pamela Anderson and some bloke on a boat and John Leslie and Abi Titmuss.It was as boring as hell. We turned it off and watched Crimewatch instead.

I hate it and wouldn't be happy with a partner who was into it.

@PennyDreadful66 thanks for that. I think you made a good point though, we don’t really know. Although I know a friend who has slept with a lot of guys, and she says she can always tell if they watch a lot of porn! Not sure if I believe her but it’s interesting! She says men who go at sex for too long are prime suspects, as they can’t get stimulated enough.

I'm interested to know whether porn addicts have other addictions and issues bubbling under the surface?

I'm asking because my ex certainly did.
Shopping, alcohol...

[quote mag2305]**@DinosaurDiana* and @Closetbeanmuncher*
You both have a point. My husband has behaved in a way that is disrespectful and hurtful. But is it a deal breaker at this point?! That, I don't know yet. I also feel that you've elaborated on what I've said, no family money has been used. Please don't make up stuff on my behalf.

I appreciate your financial advice but also find it quite amusing that you probably both assumed that because I'm the woman, that I'm the one who needs to sort myself out financially. My husband would lose everything if I told him to go. I've always earnt more money, had my own account, own the house, and bought it before I met him, all in my name, all legally sorted. So he stands to lose more than I do.

This thread was on female viewpoints and experiences of porn use and addiction. Not advice on whether I should leave my husband and whether my finances are sorted. Thank you but no thank you.[/quote]
I didn’t say he had used family money, it was a question, I did not make anything up.
And it doesn’t matter how much wealthier than your husband you are, you still need to secure the future for you and your family. I wasn’t to know that you’ve got it all sorted, my crystal ball is broken.
When we give advice on here it’s not necessarily just for the OP, it’s for anyone who may be in/get in to a similar situation.
Best of luck.

@Rejoiningperson sometimes the behaviour of a porn addict isn't clear cut. My husband has got into the cycle of lying about watching porn. Not often, but it's got to the point a couple of times where he's watched porn on his phone with me in the room then left his phone in the lounge and gone into the bathroom to masturbate. This has happened like 3 times this year. I can't say when those few occasions were as he was so discreet but that's what he eventually owned up to.

@MorriseysGladioli my husband's is gaming. He does enjoy games and I'm OK with it as at least it's honest and open. Sometimes social too. But he has had times of heavy use. When our son was about 2 months old, I came back home one day to find my husband on his x box. He'd been on there hours whilst I was with the baby. I was angry. So I just put our son in his lap and went off to do my own thing. He had no choice but to stop. Not long after he sold the x box. In that instance, I found that actions speak louder than words.

Where I'm at now is, even if my husband can stop his porn use. What about masturbation? Is is acceptable to have his own imaginative thoughts, like an ex? I did some googling into this and it appears that again, women are OK with this as they might do it too. Maybe I'm naive on this. Even if my husband thought about his ex half a dozen times when masturbating in the 4 years we've been together, why am I not OK with this? It ended well over 5 years ago, he has no contact with her and doesn't even know what part of the country she's in now.

I don't know if my husband watches porn, I don't ask him. He's a perfectly functional loving husband and we have no issues so it's never come up. We have watched it together very rarely.
If he was watching it in a room with me on his phone and then went off to see to himself that would not be acceptable. If he was drooling at women in the street that wouldn't be either. He sounds like he views women as objects simply there for his pleasure. Even if he didn't watch porn that would be enough for me to ditch him. It sounds revolting. You need to raise the bar.

@Quaverscrisps maybe I didn't clarify in my original post. So you used the word drooling, what I meant is my husband might glance at a lady who is wearing a short skirt for instance and think she has nice legs, or low cut top, whatever it is. Now I don't like it but if that's not allowed then I wouldn't be allowed to glance at a sexy looking man. Do you or your oh never find anyone else attractive? If it's solely thoughts with no action is that wrong? I'm just trying to work out what's acceptable and what's not. Do I get to the point where I just right off my husband if he doesn't watch porn but masturbates to a fantasy or glances a lady walking by?

I guess you have one glimmer of hope in that he has told you and been honest.

I think if it were me @mag2305 the thinking about other women while he masturbates is OK. Glancing at other women is OK. Looking through photos of his Ex to get off or being ‘cringey’ when he looks at other women, enough so that if you were with others they’d find it distasteful, then that wouldn’t be OK.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It matters what you think.
Personally I think it's a bit odd to be so invested in what he thinks about - that's his business.
The porn addiction is something separate.

Ahhh so this isn't actually a post asking opinions, more a post asking for people with the same opinion and villifying anyone that doesn't actually agree. Perhaps edit the title?

I think @premium77 phrased things eloquently and brilliantly.

I also think there is a massive difference between porn addiction and porn viewing. Strangely one half of the debate can understand that, the other less so.
BTW I'm over 35 and conservative and I have nothing against ethical porn is done in the right way. Wierdly as well, despite my other half knowing I have nothing against it, he rarely watches it (although I'm sure he wouldn't tel me everytime he did) and it has never impacted my life at all. He hasn't turned into some sex crazed acrobat in the bedroom, neither does he expect me to.

Also quite interested in the source of porn is bad for the brain?? Two psychology degrees, and I've never yet come across that one....

@PennyDreadful66

I do wonder how people know their other half doesn't watch porn and how they can be so sure of it? Unless you're with them 24/7, 7 days a week it's impossible to truly know, internet history can be deleted, using other methods to view it can be used. I just don't understand how people can be 100% sure they don't watch it.

I’d bet my house on it. Government vetting confirmed my DP doesn’t watch it. Also, there are signs with porn users, e.g. porn ads popping up, website autofills and cookies, secretive behaviour, etc. It can be hidden but it’s usually quite obvious.

Exactly this. It’s so obvious from the sex if they watch a lot of porn or not.

• That was supposed to be in response to RejoiningPerson’s post above.