Together on and off 28 years. Not married, no children. For reasons that would be outing I don't want to get into details about why we didnt marry or move in together, but we never felt the need to when young, and his financial/work situation made this difficult.
What I want to know is what you may think of these details I am going to write.
Some info:
He often misinterprets my words and questions - if I ask if he might want to talk/chat (when he might be busy reading etc) I am accused of 'accusing him', of making him out to be a bad person, or he says I am IMPLYING that he is ignoring me. All far off the mark.
I can say something like 'hey, you're quiet!" and he will often over react horribly, telling me I am implying he is 'up to something' or that I have an ulterior motive, such as being disappointed with him (I promise I am not!).
It isn't like paranoia, just a permanent defensiveness. He doesn't shout, but can be really imposing and unpleasant and it really knocks me off kilter.
For a long time now, he doesn't seem to want to converse with me, particularly about anything deep (feelings, politics, art, music, the world, stuff). Only really seems to talk to me about surface, trivial stuff. Never used to be this bad. It has become much worse in last 8 months. If I bring it up, in a non confrontational way, he is really pissed off with me and says I am criticising him (when I am emphatically not) or 'making him feel crazy'.
There's a lot of denial. About so much irrelevant stuff.
We have discussed this over time and he always says he will give it some thought, try to cut it out. I have been open, inviting him to explore it, I don't harass him, or make him feel bad. These are reactions to such odd things like taking rubbish out to bin, or about the shopping list, etc. If it involves anything deep or emotional the reaction is worse and more unpleasant/stressed.
It is as if the defensiveness has eclipsed him, as if he is always under attack or having to protect himself. It makes regular conversations really hard going sometimes.
If I say, 'hey that wasn't nice', or 'that kind of confuses/hurts me', or 'why did you do that?' he will state, emphatically, no. He doesn't ask why or what makes me say that. Just a constant 'no'. 'No it isn't'. 'No I didnt', etc. Over time this makes me feel that my opinions or feelings are not valued or heard.
He states things rather than shows them. For example, he might state that he is a warm person, but looks disapproving or annoyed whilst saying it. I find it really confusing and I am tired out with it.
He isn't physically violent but if he is angry he will storm out of a room over things that don't make sense, creating a violent atmosphere which really unnerves me. He can't seem to deal with small conflicts well, whereas I am open and able to talk. Sometimes his aggression is imposing and makes me feel nervous, afraid. Not that I think he would hurt me, but that he is angry enough to. I often feel he is a tight spring that holds violence it back. He can be quite snippy and passive aggressive when he feels wronged, which is often these days, and doesn't seem to hear me when I say it is harmful to me. He promises but it just happens again.
He says he shares a view of our future, wants similar things. Wants to live with me eventually, what have you. Except in daily life there is never any discussion, interest or movement towards that. We have a 14 year age gap (he is older) and met when I was 20. He will soon be reaching pension age, and says we might not be able to live together because it would affect his pension (I am self employed). This is true, but I am of the mind that at this point in our lives we could easily muck in together and just share the running of a home. It is like he has a batchelor mentality, but doesn't want to lose me.
Over the past few decades he has often fired me off suddenly and dumped me. Mostly when I was younger and less confident. Usually the result of his growing disengagement and me trying to discuss/fix it. Fuse got blown, off he'd go. He always saw himself as the victim and quite cruelly ejected me from his life. It was often sudden and devastating for me. A few years would pass and we would become chums again, then drift back together. The cycle begins again. The grief I have gone through in the past over this is immense. I often had to find a place to live when it happened as I had been living with him on his tenancy.
I am also a creative, and don't wish to buy a home, but I did want to eventually live together, share the cost, and choose somewhere lovely to live. I can afford to live and work where I like, but he still doesn't seem terribly motivated. Neve mentions making a will, etc. He lives in a horrible area and admits it is stressful but is happy for me to find a new place somewhere nice and 'tag along to visit'.
I do think he loves me very much, in his own way, and he has always been faithful and honest. But it isn't enough. I have altered a lot over the years, am still growing, and learning a great deal about my past choices. He doesn't seem to be on the same 'page', I guess.
I think I want to leave, create finality, and am happy to do so, but it is hard to break past habits...
I apologise for the length, please be gentle. A lot going on this year, lost my mum, lots of changes, etc.
What I want to know is your opinion of those details I have written. What is going on with a person who has these traits? Are we just on different planets now or does some of that qualify as abuse? It often feels like that. I feel really guilty writing this about him, because he is lovely, too. What a mess.