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Original poster

Won’t introduce me to his kids

198 replies

Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 08:28

Hi all...I have met this amazing man last autumn. I think the world of him and I know it’s mutual. He has custody of the kids as his wife has some issues. When I met him this wasn’t a problem as she had the kids every second weekend. But over lockdown her drinking is worse and now he has the kids full time. I don’t have children. This really impacts how and when we can meet. We typically meet once a week but it’s only for a few hours...and not at all this bank holiday as no child care for the kids. I have felt very lonely ....would love to have spent time with him but wasn’t to be.

I have said to him the only way this will change is if I meet the kids(17 and 12)....and integrate slightly into his life. Otherwise I just sit at home waiting for him to tell me when he is free and can get child care. He is reluctant due to a bad experience with a previous girlfriend who clashed with his eldest daughter leading to the daughter having some emotional issues when she was 14.... he mentioned last night that he would prefer if she finished her exams before meeting me. That’s over a year away in summer 2022.

I don’t know what to do. I have met someone I care so much about and have feelings for and so much respect for...but I can’t sit here seeing him once a week when he gets a baby sitter usually for a few hours on a Sunday night. That’s not a relationship. He has no relatives that can look after the kids for weekends and, due to the turmoil with the kids mother, he is feeling he has to overcompensate and not do anything to upset their emotional well-being. I feel so lonely.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoinprimary · 31/05/2021 08:31

Gets a babysitter????? For a 17 year old???? At 17 I was the babysitter!!!!

Are you sure he isn’t married?

MiddlesexGirl · 31/05/2021 08:32

The kids come first I'm afraid.
I know that's not what you want to hear but at least it shows you havd a good man.
The eldest, the one with possible issues will soon be an adult and won't need his full on care presumably.
And you've only known him since autumn so still early days.
He's doing the right thing OP. Don't put pressure on him and be patient.

wickedwitchofthedance · 31/05/2021 08:32

I agree with pp not children that age need a babysitter for a few hours. He's using it as an excuse. I'd cut your losses now.

Lotsachocolateplease · 31/05/2021 08:33

Mumoftwoinprimary

Gets a babysitter????? For a 17 year old???? At 17 I was the babysitter!!!!

Are you sure he isn’t married?

I thought this too......... sorry but there’s something here that doesn’t ring true.

Bluebird76 · 31/05/2021 08:33

Neither a 12 nor a (!!)17 need childcare for a few hours, and if the 12yo did, the 17yo could provide it. Something else is going on here!

Devastatedandlost · 31/05/2021 08:33

Walk away.

Fyredraca · 31/05/2021 08:34

I can understand why he is reluctant to introduce anyone to his kids but he doesn't need a babysitter to be out for the evening.

Fitforforty · 31/05/2021 08:35

How long have you been seeing him? From your post max 9 months but it could be just 6. During that time the girls have had a massive upheaval; their Mum alcohol problem has become so extreme that she is unable to care for them at all. I have sympathy with his situation. I think you need to ask him what the plan is going forward and then decide if your happy with that and act accordingly.

Fyredraca · 31/05/2021 08:35

I don't mean you are anyone I just mean girlfriends in general. I'm sure you are very nice Flowers

JackieWeaver · 31/05/2021 08:36

Have you been to his house?

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/05/2021 08:37

It sounds as though he’s not ready to be in a relationship if he can’t find proper time for someone. He is putting his kids first and that is fine but it doesn’t work for you.
I can’t imagine there would be many women happy with a few hours a week.

jamaisjedors · 31/05/2021 08:38

Hmmm. I also met someone in the autumn and haven't introduced him to my kids yet, waiting till this summer as the divorce is messy.

What you describe is kind of what my partner does, fits in with when I'm free as he has no kids.

Otoh i manage to leave my 2 dc (14 and 16) when i want to see him, they don't need babysitting....

Aposterhasnoname · 31/05/2021 08:39

Why the hell does he need a babysitter! I was a mother at 17. Surely the 17 year old can keep an eye on the 12 year old for a few hours. There’s something else going on here!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 31/05/2021 08:39

It's fine not to introduce you yet but why can't the 17 year old watch the 12 year old for an evening or even overnight??

spotcheck · 31/05/2021 08:40

Why has he sought out a relationship if he isn't prepared to make room in his life?

By Autumn, do you mean September, or early December? How long exactly have you been with him?

I would think it's too early to integrate, and if you've only known him a few months, then it may indeed be too early to meet.

However, him wanting to wait a year seems a giant red flag. It doesn't seem that he has any intention of moving the relationship forward.

And I disagree that just because a man puts his kids first', he is a ' good one'. It doesn't stop them from using women as a comfort, and convenience to be picked up and put down at whim.

KarmaNoMore · 31/05/2021 08:40

Honestly, I think over protecting the kids to such level is quite extreme. This is so not going to end after their exams, Iwould start preparing my exit, if he cannot combine his childcare responsibilities and your relationship successfully, he simply does not have the availability to build a relationship with anyone.

It will get miserable for you the longer you are kept on the back burner. At those ages kids do not really need or appreciate a parent hovering over them 24/7.

NeedNewKnees · 31/05/2021 08:41

I think it’s entirely reasonable for him to not introduce you to his teens for a year or so. They have already had a lot of upheaval and distress. They’ve had a previously bad experience with a girlfriend as well. He’s being a responsible parent, prioritising his children over his love life.

It’s also entirely reasonable for you to decide you don’t want to wait around that long.

GaraMedouar · 31/05/2021 08:41

@Mumoftwoinprimary

Gets a babysitter????? For a 17 year old???? At 17 I was the babysitter!!!!

Are you sure he isn’t married?

Same thinking here. I have a 17 year old and a 10 year old. I go out occasionally and my 17 year old babysits the 10 year old! No reason why you can’t see him a night in the week too.
KarmaNoMore · 31/05/2021 08:44

Ps. Putting the children first doesn’t equate to let them run the household or go into the driving seat all time, that only brews more insecurities in the children. Good family relationships are based on the premise that everyone gets the right to be at the front of the queue from time to time. And that applies whether you are still married or have become a single parent.

ChoccyLatte · 31/05/2021 08:46

My friend just left her 17 year old home for the weekend why she went off across the county on a long weekend...

Are you sure he's not married? That was my first thought tbh

WannabePilot · 31/05/2021 08:47

Not introducing you to the kids isn’t the problem. Needing childcare for kids that age is. He’s choosing not to see you OP, I’m so sorry. As everyone else has said, you need to call him out on it and cut your losses. Find a partner who wants to spend time with you. This man is treating you so poorly, don’t let him carry on. Good luck.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 31/05/2021 08:47

Well I think there are two separate things going on here.

Not meeting his kids: absolutely fine.

Not making room for you in his life, taking into account the age and stage of his kids and working around their needs: not fine at all. The 17 yo doesn't need a sitter and tbh the 12 yo will probably be fairly self-sufficient now lockdown is over. He may not wish to leave 12 yo at night but I bet she's with her friends on a Saturday afternoon, not sitting at home, so there's no reason why you can't go out for lunch, for example. On that basis, I'd walk.

Are you sure he isn't still married? Have you met any of his friends?

Guavafish · 31/05/2021 08:52

He is not right for you and you don’t need a babysitter for a 17 year old.

SameToo · 31/05/2021 08:53

Sounds married.

CandyLeBonBon · 31/05/2021 08:55

Unless there are additional needs no 17 year old or 12 year old needs a babysitter.

There may be emotional issues at play, and maybe he's concerned about the eldest's mental health, which is possible if there are attachment issues surrounding their mum.

It doesn't sound like he's in the right space for a relationship and he probably needs to work on getting support for his kids, as it sounds like they've had a rough time.

You have a choice here but they sound like they've been through a lot and he's right to prioritise them. I realise that sucks for you but it is an unfortunate reality when dating someone with kids.