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Original poster

Won’t introduce me to his kids

198 replies

Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 08:28

Hi all...I have met this amazing man last autumn. I think the world of him and I know it’s mutual. He has custody of the kids as his wife has some issues. When I met him this wasn’t a problem as she had the kids every second weekend. But over lockdown her drinking is worse and now he has the kids full time. I don’t have children. This really impacts how and when we can meet. We typically meet once a week but it’s only for a few hours...and not at all this bank holiday as no child care for the kids. I have felt very lonely ....would love to have spent time with him but wasn’t to be.

I have said to him the only way this will change is if I meet the kids(17 and 12)....and integrate slightly into his life. Otherwise I just sit at home waiting for him to tell me when he is free and can get child care. He is reluctant due to a bad experience with a previous girlfriend who clashed with his eldest daughter leading to the daughter having some emotional issues when she was 14.... he mentioned last night that he would prefer if she finished her exams before meeting me. That’s over a year away in summer 2022.

I don’t know what to do. I have met someone I care so much about and have feelings for and so much respect for...but I can’t sit here seeing him once a week when he gets a baby sitter usually for a few hours on a Sunday night. That’s not a relationship. He has no relatives that can look after the kids for weekends and, due to the turmoil with the kids mother, he is feeling he has to overcompensate and not do anything to upset their emotional well-being. I feel so lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 20:36

Yes, I agree.. Thank you for understanding. He's a very good man. Just trying to be the best father he can given the circumstances

OP posts:
Original poster
Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 20:36

He's not married.

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 31/05/2021 20:37

@Snooker98

He's not married.
Have you been to his house ?
hilarymantlepiece · 31/05/2021 20:39

His youngest child is 12. That would also be my priority 🤷‍♀️

pictish · 31/05/2021 20:45

Fishy as fuck. That is all.

MiddlesexGirl · 31/05/2021 20:56

Not knowing the DC but it's possible that issues with one or both of them mean it's not possible to leave the 17yo to babysit the 12yo.

Original poster
Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 21:01

Yes I have

OP posts:
Original poster
Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 21:01

@MiddlesexGirl

Not knowing the DC but it's possible that issues with one or both of them mean it's not possible to leave the 17yo to babysit the 12yo.
Yes exactly.... That's true
OP posts:
Unsubscribed · 31/05/2021 21:03

@Snooker98

Yes, I agree.. Thank you for understanding. He's a very good man. Just trying to be the best father he can given the circumstances
OP many posters have commented that his excuses for not meeting you are a bit unusual given the ages of the children. Have you considered that he may be lying and has got back with the ex ?
CandyLeBonBon · 31/05/2021 21:14

Oh op.

If his children are as traumatised as you believe them to be then this relationship is doomed because you do not stand a chance.

Which is what people have been saying for hours.

It seems you don't want to believe that is the case.

This is not 'the one' no matter how lovely he is and how much you wish it were so.

I wish you luck. Thanks

OwlTwitterings · 31/05/2021 21:18

OP, if you read back you will see that people think the same thing about him but you are refusing to see it.

It’s fine to post so that you can get something off your chest but I think you need to be honest when doing that rather than asking for advice you are too blinkered to listen to.

KarmaNoMore · 31/05/2021 21:20

Yep, he may be a good father of badly traumatised children trying to do the best for them, but the bottom line is the same: He is NOT available to have and develop a relationship with anyone... and you are idealising him more because he doesn’t care for you as much as you care for him.

AlternativePerspective · 31/05/2021 21:21

My guess would be that he’s got back together with his ex.

But even if he hasn’t, you say that his kids are too traumatised and he’s afraid of their reaction, just what is it that is going to change that for him?

Because IMO if he can’t even gage their reaction now, he isn’t suddenly going to decide down the track that it’s ok and that they likely won’t react negatively.

Personally I would say that he either sees you as a casual fling or he’s back with his ex. But either way this relationship has absolutely 0 chance of success.

You should walk away now for your own sake.

wickedwitchofthedance · 31/05/2021 21:25

Stop pulling the wool over your eyes OP the man is just making excuses to not see you. A 12 year old can be left for a couple of hours during the day so he could meet you for lunch etc.

YellowTree1 · 31/05/2021 21:27

OP I don't think he's necessarily seeing someone else, but I think he could make much more effort to see you, considering the ages of the children. At 17 lots of people have jobs, stay out all night, drive cars etc, they don't need babysitting. I doubt the younger child cant be left for a few hours with them.

Maybe ask to spend more time with him but tell him you don't mind not meeting the children until he feels they are ready?

SomewhatSalty · 31/05/2021 21:31

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MadMadMadamMim · 31/05/2021 21:37

I'd walk away. He has too much baggage.

I appreciate that he doesn't want to introduce someone new to his kids. That's good, and teenagers can be very tricky.

But he's clearly not got time for a relationship with you, due to his commitments to his kids. It's admirable, but it's not for me. I'd want someone who had time and availability - and however nice he is, he's not got time for you.

Merryoldgoat · 31/05/2021 22:36

If there are issues which mean a 12 yo can’t be left with a 17 yo for a few hours then it is what it is.

He’s made his position clear. Either you can deal with it or you can’t. I wouldn’t be able to.

Babyboomtastic · 31/05/2021 23:11

I'm making a slight leap here from your username, and thinking your are around 23?

If that's the case, perhaps that's part of the reason for his reluctance - you are only about 6 years older than his daughter, and there's a big age gap between your and your boyfriend.

Whilst there's nothing wrong with bright in your early 20s and dating a guy in his early 40s (perhaps), a teenage girl may give that very difficult. I also think it's maybe odd to date someone similar in age to your child, but each to their own I guess 🤷

Opentooffers · 31/05/2021 23:51

He's been pulling the wool over your eyes, it's a total excuse, and if you met him via OLD, he's definitely talking BS. The 17 year old can look after the 12year old, no babysitter required - could of since 14, so he's been stringing you along the whole time.

Opentooffers · 31/05/2021 23:58

Yea, so when 14, I'd look after my 4 yo brother while parents went out for evening. My 17 year old would be fine with me going on hol for a week without him - we discussed it, but he's coming with as he knows I want him with me.

aiwblam · 01/06/2021 00:09

Op, if your username denotes your age (23) then you need to run the fuck away from this man.

Blacktothepink · 01/06/2021 00:18

Go and find someone you can have a proper relationship with op and stop wasting time here

Wherearemymarbles · 01/06/2021 00:31

Maybe he doesn’t want to say to the 17 year old ‘do you mind baby sitting your sibling for a few hours while I and go see my girlfriend’

OP, just talk to him and make your own decisions. Frankly nobody here has the foggiest so are coming up with any old tripe to get you to dump him.

Current situation sounds like its not going to change any time soon so if its not what you want walk away. If you are both decent humans neither of you need be single for long.

Sssloou · 01/06/2021 01:04

We speak 3 times a day first thing in the morning and last thing at night when kids are in bed.

Classic affair. He is hiding you. He is living with someone - even if it’s not his xW - can only talk to you when they are asleep.

We typically meet once a week but it’s only for a few hours...

Classic affair.

Seeing him once a week when he gets a baby sitter usually for a few hours on a Sunday night.

Do babysitters not work the other 6 nights of the week? I suspect that he tells his OH that he is off to his hobby or see the lads every Sunday evening.

hes an amazing, caring and responsible father,

How do you know this? Because he told you?

we have the same values,

No you don’t - he is just mirroring you - it’s a classic love bombing tactic.