Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Won’t introduce me to his kids

198 replies

Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 08:28

Hi all...I have met this amazing man last autumn. I think the world of him and I know it’s mutual. He has custody of the kids as his wife has some issues. When I met him this wasn’t a problem as she had the kids every second weekend. But over lockdown her drinking is worse and now he has the kids full time. I don’t have children. This really impacts how and when we can meet. We typically meet once a week but it’s only for a few hours...and not at all this bank holiday as no child care for the kids. I have felt very lonely ....would love to have spent time with him but wasn’t to be.

I have said to him the only way this will change is if I meet the kids(17 and 12)....and integrate slightly into his life. Otherwise I just sit at home waiting for him to tell me when he is free and can get child care. He is reluctant due to a bad experience with a previous girlfriend who clashed with his eldest daughter leading to the daughter having some emotional issues when she was 14.... he mentioned last night that he would prefer if she finished her exams before meeting me. That’s over a year away in summer 2022.

I don’t know what to do. I have met someone I care so much about and have feelings for and so much respect for...but I can’t sit here seeing him once a week when he gets a baby sitter usually for a few hours on a Sunday night. That’s not a relationship. He has no relatives that can look after the kids for weekends and, due to the turmoil with the kids mother, he is feeling he has to overcompensate and not do anything to upset their emotional well-being. I feel so lonely.

OP posts:

ode2me · 31/05/2021 12:31

He's back with his ex if he had ever really separated in the first place.

Seeing you midweek for a couple of hours is him sneaking away to have an affair. It's textbook.

BorderlineHappy · 31/05/2021 12:38

We're all telling you@Snooker98 that he's telling you porkies.
I would just ask him straight out why does he need a babysitter for a 17 year old.
Seriously that's just bollocks.

And if they go to bed early ( which I find weirder) why couldn't you go to him and even have a coffee.

herecomestreble · 31/05/2021 12:50

Sorry but that's bullshit. I met my partner when my kids were 12 and 17 (now 14 and 19), they can be left. The youngest I'm sure takes his or herself to school and back so has some independence, and the oldest has their own life I'm sure and could even babysit.

I used to leave my youngest for short times such as going out for coffee / lunch, even a few hours in the evening for a cinema trip. You can still be there for your kids, support them and have a life yourself.

He must have to leave them at some point for work, a pint with friends etc

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/05/2021 12:59

he is scared of his kids reaction and adding more disruption given the turmoil they have gone through with an emotionally absent mother. everything has gotten worse in the last 4 months with the kids mother. and as I said, his previous relationship impacted the kids emotional health.

Then he should end the relationship and allow you to meet someone else, not expect you to wait around for another year when the current set up doesn't work for you.

You haven't been together that long, this is a complicated set up from their side and the children have been through a lot.

I'm surprised that in September - December last year with his ex's drinking escalating and all things covid complicating life further, he had time to begin dating someone and decide to embark on a relationship. Not particularly considerate or sensible as a father due to his unique situation.

I mean it's up to you whether to wait or not but he's clearly told you what the situation is so you need to decide if it works for you or not. If not, walk away.

Even if you stay together, his parenting sounds very unusual (not allowing a 17 year old to babysit their 12 year old sibling for a couple of hours?!) so that dynamic could be a minefield regardless.

As is said often on here... it really shouldn't be this hard.

diamondpony80 · 31/05/2021 13:30

Childcare at 17? I was able to leave my son for a few hours to do shopping etc from the age of 12. Now at 17 he pretty much has his own life. Meets friends, goes out with his girlfriend, and doesn’t go to bed til way after us. Plus he looks after his 6 yr old sister if we ever want to go out. He lives at home, but he’s practically an adult and can look after himself. A 12 year old doesn’t need to be put to bed either. They’re not little kids anymore. Sounds like this guy is making way too many excuses and doesn’t want to commit.

OhRene · 31/05/2021 13:37

I think there's something else going on. A 17 and 12 year old don't need a sitter. If you partner wants to see you, he can.

Bin him and his baggage off.

newnortherner111 · 31/05/2021 13:40

So if he was that keen, or even remotely keen, he'd suggest a weekday once the children are back at school, giving you about five hours to be together.

I share other people's suspicions and suggest you call it a day with this limited relationship. You deserve better and it is worth waiting for.

fearfulfran · 31/05/2021 13:43

I can somewhat relate because my dd is old enough to not need a babysitter but has lots of emotional issues that have crept up on us during lockdown. I just can't leave her home alone so I've stopped dating altogether. There was a guy in the picture I was in to but I couldn't offer him any time so I cut him loose.

I think your guy would be kinder to do the same as this situation (if it's real) is hopeless.

CricketsBats · 31/05/2021 13:45

I'd date him but the 3 calls a day is weird. I'd not be exclusive with someone who I can only see a few hours a week. You're wasting your life OP. Get out there and stop being so available for these calls!

MrsMaizel · 31/05/2021 15:15

You keep in avoiding the question - have you ever been to his house ?

Do you ever go out on real dates in public places ?

Mia184 · 31/05/2021 15:46

Does he always call you or do you also call him?

CutieBear · 31/05/2021 16:17

not be interupted by sorting them for bed and for school tomo ( the youngest one who is a problem to get to bed) and house stuff....he is a single parent

Are his DC disabled? You don’t bath, talcum powder and read a bedtime story to your 12 and 17 year old DC! They can pack their own school and PE bags!

Also, the 17 year old (almost a legal adult) could watch the 12 year old. He’s making excuses not to see you. He’s not rushed off his feet with 3 year old twins. If he was serious about you then he would introduce you to his DC and make time for you.

You’re just his dirty little secret at the moment

SandyY2K · 31/05/2021 17:21

Yes they do know I exist, He talks to me after they are in bed so he gets some uninterrupted time to speak and not be interupted by sorting them for bed and for school

Everything you know is from what he tells you.

As others have said, a 17 and 12 year old are capable if staying home alone for a few hours.

I don't blame him for not introducing you to them yet. A good amount of dad's girlfriend's are jealous of teenage daughters and it causes issues.

Plus, if their mother is indeed an alcoholic, they don't need to be meeting new GFs right now. He's doing the right thing, by prioritising his kids.

SandyY2K · 31/05/2021 17:24

@timeisnotaline

My babysitters were 12 when we were young

A 12 year old babysitter?

That's not a sensible thing to do.

SandyY2K · 31/05/2021 17:28

*@youvegottenminuteslynn
Then he should end the relationship and allow you to meet someone else, not expect you to wait around for another year when the current set up doesn't work for you.

He's not holding her hostage in the relationship and the onus is on the person who isn't happy to end it.

He's fine with things and isn't complaining.

The OP has free will to walk away and take responsibility for the situation she finds herself in.

DispensingShitAdviceSince2002 · 31/05/2021 17:29

hes an amazing, caring and responsible father

If that's something you like about him, then you have to take it on the chin that he appears to be putting his children above his relationship with you.

Agree with countless PP, though, who say it's odd that a 17 yo would need a babysitter, or that a 17 yo would go to bed early enough for him to ring you uninterrupted. My experience of teenagers is that they never bloody well go to bed. Or maybe they do, but just as your alarm is going off.

aiwblam · 31/05/2021 17:33

You can do better.

He might be lying or he might have tonnes of baggage. Either way, I’d leave this.

Guavafish · 31/05/2021 17:33

Don’t waste your time ... his family life sounds complicated and he has no time for you.

It might be the right person and wrong time

Devlesko · 31/05/2021 17:35

Sounds like you're the bit on the side.
At this age they don't need sitters, he's stringing you along.
Although, the not meeting the kids is good as you've not even known him a year yet, very early days.
But, he's not thinking of the kids mh, here, more not getting caught out.

CandyLeBonBon · 31/05/2021 17:36

[quote SandyY2K]**@timeisnotaline

My babysitters were 12 when we were young

A 12 year old babysitter?

That's not a sensible thing to do.[/quote]
@SandyY2K I used to babysit at that age too.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/05/2021 17:42

[quote SandyY2K]*@youvegottenminuteslynn
Then he should end the relationship and allow you to meet someone else, not expect you to wait around for another year when the current set up doesn't work for you.

He's not holding her hostage in the relationship and the onus is on the person who isn't happy to end it.

He's fine with things and isn't complaining.

The OP has free will to walk away and take responsibility for the situation she finds herself in.[/quote]
You're totally right, sorry if that wasn't clear from the way I wrote it. It's absolutely OP's responsibility to move on as the relationship isn't making her happy. I can see how it looked like I was putting it on him but yes OP needs to recognise she isn't happy and not wait for him to change things as she is perfectly capable of walking away from this.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/05/2021 17:42

I babysat from 12/13 too and so did lots of my friends. Am 34 now - I wonder if it's done less now?

YellowTree1 · 31/05/2021 18:09

You may be his only girlfriend but he's created a situation that works for him. He probably enjoys the calls etc, but I agree with pp if he wanted to see you he would find the time.

I can understand him not wanting to introduce the kids, but he can definitely leave them for a couple of evenings a week to see you for dinner etc. It's very hard when he's saying one thing but doing another.

TurquoiseDragon · 31/05/2021 19:22

@CutieBear

not be interupted by sorting them for bed and for school tomo ( the youngest one who is a problem to get to bed) and house stuff....he is a single parent

Are his DC disabled? You don’t bath, talcum powder and read a bedtime story to your 12 and 17 year old DC! They can pack their own school and PE bags!

You’re just his dirty little secret at the moment

Yeah, my then 17 year old babysat her 13 year old DB when I went out in the evening once a week for a hobby. They were both sensible, and I never had a problem.

While it''s good that he's prioritising his DC, he's also using you as a booty call. It doesn't sound like you're actually having a proper relationship, going out, having fun, so I'd bin him off.

And as this seems a little off, needing a babysitter for the 17 year old,, I'd also be digging right into any SM I could find.

jannyapple · 31/05/2021 19:34

It sounds to me it's more of a " no daddy will never bring another lady that you might not like into your lives , daddy is here for you , everything is ok " Situation
I think he is knows these kids are affected by their mother and he is over protecting at his own cost ....
or he's not that into you
I'd bet it's the first

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread