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Original poster

Won’t introduce me to his kids

198 replies

Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 08:28

Hi all...I have met this amazing man last autumn. I think the world of him and I know it’s mutual. He has custody of the kids as his wife has some issues. When I met him this wasn’t a problem as she had the kids every second weekend. But over lockdown her drinking is worse and now he has the kids full time. I don’t have children. This really impacts how and when we can meet. We typically meet once a week but it’s only for a few hours...and not at all this bank holiday as no child care for the kids. I have felt very lonely ....would love to have spent time with him but wasn’t to be.

I have said to him the only way this will change is if I meet the kids(17 and 12)....and integrate slightly into his life. Otherwise I just sit at home waiting for him to tell me when he is free and can get child care. He is reluctant due to a bad experience with a previous girlfriend who clashed with his eldest daughter leading to the daughter having some emotional issues when she was 14.... he mentioned last night that he would prefer if she finished her exams before meeting me. That’s over a year away in summer 2022.

I don’t know what to do. I have met someone I care so much about and have feelings for and so much respect for...but I can’t sit here seeing him once a week when he gets a baby sitter usually for a few hours on a Sunday night. That’s not a relationship. He has no relatives that can look after the kids for weekends and, due to the turmoil with the kids mother, he is feeling he has to overcompensate and not do anything to upset their emotional well-being. I feel so lonely.

OP posts:
Maves · 31/05/2021 11:15

And also at 17 she can deal with her dad having a gf she was a child the first time. He's bullshitting

Isthisit22 · 31/05/2021 11:18

He basically comes round yours for a few hours a week- gets to have sex without having to even take you out or any other commitment.
Bin him off

ChoccyLatte · 31/05/2021 11:18

I'm sorry op but I think most of us here have this expression 😬

A 12 year old doesn't need to be got to bed or have their school stuff ready... I have 3 kids and takes all of two seconds to say goodnight. They are 12 and 13 and the only other one who is 7 is the only one who needs attention at bedtime right now.

This guy is an absolute liar and is either married or he's using his kids as an excuse to not see you unless he wants a booty call!

Have you ever been to his house? When the kids are at school?

Do you know where he lives? I would personally drop him but not before sitting outside his house for a while to see the wife rock up

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 31/05/2021 11:19

You're just an easy shag to him. You're obviously not worth anything else to him so I'd be walking.

whichwayisup · 31/05/2021 11:26

What Choccylatte said. 12 year olds don't need any putting to bed.

I think it's great that he is prioritising his children over you and the fact that he doesn't want to introduce you makes him a better man in my opinion. At least he has learned from his mistakes.

But I don't think he's being truthful and I think it would be interesting to hear how he would describe his relationship with you. I'm not sure feelings are mutual.

Sandra15 · 31/05/2021 11:36

Why has he sought out a relationship if he isn't prepared to make room in his life?

This, absolutely. I mean, why???? If he wants casual sort of stuff he should be upfront and just say, that way he will get what he puts out.

Elieza · 31/05/2021 11:37

He’s hiding you from the kids. Which is understandable up to a point if he is trying to protect them from being hurt.

However I don’t understand this crap about a babysitter. Why can’t the teen supervise the 12 year old? Was the teen going out so he had to get a sitter for the young one? Id happily leave both or either one in the house alone to go for a walk of an evening for a couple of hours or whatever. Telling them to “phone me if you want anything or need me to come home”

So does he like never leave the house or what?
Doesn’t have any friends or hobbies you can do at this stage in the pandemic (golf, hiking etc)?

Why can’t he just say he’s going for a walk or a drive or going to a beer garden with a pal. And then meet you.

I think he could be married, or perhaps dating multiple women and could be just looking for a shag? Or divorced but still sleeping with the ex occasionally or frightened she finds out about his gf as she’ll kick off. You don’t know any of the ex drinking stories are real or not.

If you want to see what adults are living at his address look up the electoral roll. Free to look through in the local library for the area he lives in (if it’s open with covid). Or on 192.com for a fee.

Elieza · 31/05/2021 11:39

Oh and totally agree with Sandra. He’s not ready to commit to a relationship so I presume he’s just wanting free sex. Presume also that he may have an std so have safe sex if you choose to sleep with him. I wouldn’t until I knew more about him and if he was a liar.

Seeker0fSun3 · 31/05/2021 11:40

You are single with no children, you have no ties
In contrast he has children & no time

End the pseudo relationship, he has too much baggage

Why do you want to be tied down to him ?

Find someone who wants to spend time with you
Weekends doing shared interests, hobbies, travel, try new things. Find someone interesting !

knittingaddict · 31/05/2021 11:43

You don't need to sort out bedtime for a 17 year old or get them ready for school. Even the 12 year old will need minimal interference. He is being too protective or something else is happening.

Have you been to his house? Apologies if you've already said.

Seeker0fSun3 · 31/05/2021 11:45

What attracts you to him ?

I can't see anything positive

godmum56 · 31/05/2021 11:46

Are the feelings and respect for the person he is or for the person you think he is? I get that kids do come first, even 17 year olds but childcare? Do me a favour and pull the other one. For me the waiting at home would be a dealbreaker so I wouldn't do it. Yes I agree to me this stinks and i have to wonder if he is married or how many other women he has on a string?

ode2me · 31/05/2021 12:01

Op you know this isn't right, come on. He's either in a relationship with someone else or he isn't into you at all.
I'm sorry truly. The sooner you move on the better.

Triffid1 · 31/05/2021 12:03

OP, agree with all the other posters. at best, he's not really into a relationship right now and is just stringing you along. At worst, he's still married.

The reality is that with a 12 and 17year old, there really is no reason he can't see you. Eg for lunch during the week or the odd evening. My children are much younger but they're already pretty busy and while an actual evening out is quite challenging, there are definitely times when they're both out doing other things and me and DH have time to ourselves if we're not working. Today both DH and I are working, but DS is at the park with friends and DD has gone to a friend for a play date so if we weren't we'd be having a nice lunch together.

You need to decide if you are happy with this level and if not, you need to move on.

Original poster
Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 12:04

@Sandra15

Why has he sought out a relationship if he isn't prepared to make room in his life?

This, absolutely. I mean, why???? If he wants casual sort of stuff he should be upfront and just say, that way he will get what he puts out.

because when he met me, the exwife had the kids every second weekend albeit not overnight. It was manageable. Her drinking has gotten worse so she hasnt seem them for weeks.
OP posts:
RantyAnty · 31/05/2021 12:05

What time of the evening does he call you?

Have you ever been to his house? Met any of his friends?

Naimee87 · 31/05/2021 12:05

Maybe you answered already but how did you meet him? And what are you conversations like as you seem to talk so often? Are your future plans never mentioned or brought up.
I have a DS who is 11 and a few hours on his own is never a problem so long as I am close by (shops, neighbours place, country walk with the dog) and we have our phones. I've made the mistake of introducing him to early on in a past relationship and it really is better to wait. More so because the younger children could really form an attachment and if the relationship doesn't survive then the child gets hurt too. Well this is my personal experience anyway. It does sound odd that he can't find a few hours. Must be really confusing and disappointing and if in a relationship your feeling this way rather than happy, elated and excited it's the opposite of how you should feel. Only you can really know what way you want this to go but definitely put your own happiness first...

tukanada · 31/05/2021 12:05

Either you accept what he wants or, if you can't, move on.

I think he is right not to rush to introduce you but do not see why he can't see you alone.

Original poster
Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 12:06

@Seeker0fSun3

What attracts you to him ?

I can't see anything positive

Hes intelligent, funny and makes me laugh, I love spending time with him, hes an amazing, caring and responsible father, we have the same values, we can talk for hours and hours
OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 31/05/2021 12:06

I'm a single parent of 3 op. 12, 16 and 19 and my days of getting them ready for bed/school are long past and that included one with asd m, who's been suicidal and one under assessment for Tourette's/adhd and anxiety disorder so I'm no stranger to parenting kids who struggle.

His reasoning doesn't ring true.

Unsubscribed · 31/05/2021 12:10

because when he met me, the exwife had the kids every second weekend albeit not overnight. It was manageable

OP it still is manageable because the kids are 17 and 12! which means something is wrong here with his story ?

Unsubscribed · 31/05/2021 12:12

Do you know where he lives, has he ever shown you any photos of the kids

timeisnotaline · 31/05/2021 12:14

My babysitters were 12 when we were young. He can leave them to see you for a drink or a walk. I wouldn’t wait a year for this guy.

SVRT19674 · 31/05/2021 12:17

OP, I used to wait for someone to be free when I was very young and in no way would I do it now. I wised up. I am now sure he had other commitments that weren' t studies and part time job. I was 22, now I´m 46. My mum used to get home from work after we did from school. She would leave lunch cooked and I would heat it up for my brother and I. I was 13 and he was 10. No need for baby sitters. I think the clue is in the word baby.

KatherineSiena · 31/05/2021 12:26

You say you love spending time with him, but you aren’t are you? You aren’t being given the chance to. How old are you?

You seem to be wasting your life waiting in the wings of someone else’s life.

He’s quite right in not introducing his children to you until he/they are ready but that doesn’t mean you have to accept it and just tolerate a few crumbs of attention.