Won’t introduce me to his kids

[Snooker98]

Hi all...I have met this amazing man last autumn. I think the world of him and I know it’s mutual. He has custody of the kids as his wife has some issues. When I met him this wasn’t a problem as she had the kids every second weekend. But over lockdown her drinking is worse and now he has the kids full time. I don’t have children. This really impacts how and when we can meet. We typically meet once a week but it’s only for a few hours...and not at all this bank holiday as no child care for the kids. I have felt very lonely ....would love to have spent time with him but wasn’t to be.

I have said to him the only way this will change is if I meet the kids(17 and 12)....and integrate slightly into his life. Otherwise I just sit at home waiting for him to tell me when he is free and can get child care. He is reluctant due to a bad experience with a previous girlfriend who clashed with his eldest daughter leading to the daughter having some emotional issues when she was 14.... he mentioned last night that he would prefer if she finished her exams before meeting me. That’s over a year away in summer 2022.

I don’t know what to do. I have met someone I care so much about and have feelings for and so much respect for...but I can’t sit here seeing him once a week when he gets a baby sitter usually for a few hours on a Sunday night. That’s not a relationship. He has no relatives that can look after the kids for weekends and, due to the turmoil with the kids mother, he is feeling he has to overcompensate and not do anything to upset their emotional well-being. I feel so lonely.

@Lovelydiscusfish

Just not quite sure what you are hoping to get from posting here OP - and I don’t mean that nastily at all. Nearly everybody has expressed the view that he is not in a position to have a serious relationship at this point - but you don’t seem willing to hear that.

The only thing you can change here is your own actions. You can’t make him create more time for you. All you can do is walk away and find somebody who does have the time for you, so that you won’t feel so crushingly lonely any more.

Or, just embrace it for what it is and stop worrying about it. That wouldn’t be my choice, but perhaps for you it’s preferable to being without him. (And obviously I’ve never met him to be fair - perhaps this man really is worth it).

I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly a year, and he has yet to meet my daughter (of whom I have shared custody). I introduced my ex to her way too soon, and she was very upset and angry when he kicked us out, so I’m in no rush to make that mistake again. (If I could work it, to be honest I would never introduce them just to avoid the risk of her being hurt again -I’m just not sure that plan is commensurate with having a committed relationship going forwards....). So I’d say your fella is being sensible, putting a long timescale on you meeting his kids. BUT if I only had two childfree hours a week, I wouldn’t have even considered embarking on a serious romantic relationship - I’d have looked for a FWB set-up at most. Or just stayed single. Because it’s not really a reasonable demand to make of a partner, to see you so rarely......

Thank you. I appreciate your comments. t's not that I don't seem willing to hear it...but am having to defend him as everyone seems adamant that he's married, cheating, a liar etc. He is not. He is a man who wants a relationship with me, and vice versa, but the last few months his personal circumstances have changed significantly and as a result our time is limited. And I wanted to share and seek input as to how to manage it... But I seem to be bombarded with accusations of him being a lying cheat!! Not what I wss expecting

@fearfulfran

I can somewhat relate because my dd is old enough to not need a babysitter but has lots of emotional issues that have crept up on us during lockdown. I just can't leave her home alone so I've stopped dating altogether. There was a guy in the picture I was in to but I couldn't offer him any time so I cut him loose.

I think your guy would be kinder to do the same as this situation (if it's real) is hopeless.

Thank you... I agree. Thank you for understanding

I think people sound suspicious because you said he has to get them ready for bed and school etc. No 17 year old has to be got ready for bed and nor does the 12 year old. A good night and a check they have everything for the next day maybe. He also has no real excuse for not seeing you as the 17 year old is old enough to babysit the 12 year old.

You've posted on here because you think there's something off. You are desperate for reassurance but the vast majority of posters actually agree that something is off.

If you are so sure that he is a fantastic guy who really wants a full relationship with you why are you posting?

You have a bad feeling and you are right, this whole thing fails the sniff test.

If, and I'm not saying you are, but if you were the gullible type, you know...someone who might be persuaded to ignore the physical reality of life and rely on vague reassurances and empty words, then ignoring anything which doesn't fit your preferred narrative might be something you would do.

Of course he isn’t necessarily a cheat - you’d likely (not necessarily but probably, from my bitter experience) have a sense of that if he was.

I just don’t think there’s many choices open to you sadly, other than to decide you will put up with this, or just walk away.

You COULD issue an ultimatum I suppose. I am not a big fan of this, but I know people do it. Tell him you are thinking of walking unless he makes more time for you.

But personally I’d be brutally fucked off if anybody did that to me.

It’s sad and a shit situation. And one that I am awfully sorry you are in. But it is what it is. This is the time he feels he can give you at the moment. All you can do is say:

A) yeah, that’s ok, I’ll wait.

B) sorry, fella, not working for me, you’re lovely but I have to be off.

C) this ain’t working but if you change it up and give me (insert amount of time that would make it tolerable for you) I’ll wait.....

All the best, whatever you decide.....

Your needs and wants are not compatible with each other.

He only needs to meet with you physically once a week for a couple of hours.

You want more than this.

If he wanted more than this he would find a way - lunchtime in the working week when the children are at school for instance / or a coffee in the park whilst one is at an activity.

Bumping you off until his older DD has done her A levels in June 2022 is preposterous and has nothing to do with her emotional stability.

I do not think it is odd you have not met his children and I understand his need to protect them, so in that respect I think he is being very sensible.
However I do feel he could make more of an effort to see you, so I would be concerned .You want more and he seems happy with the current set up, question is how long are you prepared to wait around?

Sorry but I laughed at he’s not in a relationship cos he shows you his ex wife’s texts.

And ok you have been to the house. When no one else is there. Gives him time to hide a toothbrush or whatever. Or maybe he’s telling someone else the same load of bullshit he’s giving you

And friends? Every time a thread pops up about outing a cheat, the majority don’t want to be that person to say something. I know when I cheated my mates came on nights out with us and remained quiet. They all just assumed we had an open relationship and it wasn’t their business to pry further

Bumping you off until his older DD has done her A levels in June 2022 is preposterous and has nothing to do with her emotional stability.

The excuse in June 2022 will be his other dd's GCSE's

@Snooker98

The situation isn't working for you and I don't blame you, it wouldn't work for many people...

I notice your user name has 98 in it.... how old are you? And how old is he?

I would not stay in this relationship op - sorry. He needs to integrate you into his life if he’s serious about you or you should cut your losses . Really feel for you ! X

He and his children come as a package and eventually you should meet them -the 17 year old is nearly an adult. As others have said surely the 17 year old can look after the 12 year old so you can go out for a drink - most teenagers want some space on their own for a bit or are out and about with friends. When do you get to see him then?

I experienced this the other way round. Dated a guy for 3 years - he showed no interest in meeting my daughter or spending time with us - would only see me when she was at her dads - I found it quite insulting towards the end. His children were grown up - he split with his ex as her 15 year old daughter disliked him even though they had been living together since she was 4 - he said she made life difficult for them which contributed to the split so I guess he just did not want to get involved with my teenager

I completely agree that the children don't need sitters for a few hours, the only thought I did have relates to my situation, I have a 19 year old and a 13 year old, I leave them on their own from time to time (not too late or too long if the 13 year old is home alone), and obviously the 19 year old is completely self sufficient. When they were 15 and 9 the eldest used to look after the youngest after school for me sometimes, no problem, but now....no way! The 13 year old will not take ANY instruction from the 19 year old and makes it her hobby to be a royal pain in rhe backside to her very long suffering sister! So....if there is that dynamic, then I can understand the babysitting problem!

Realistically though, no, I think there's something very off about this, he is choosing to keep you on the periphery of his life, and it is a choice, not a neccessity. In your shoes I wouldn't stick it out any further, once the 17 year old has taken her exams, the youngest will be gearing up for GCSE options, and then what about uni etc for the eldest? I think there'll always be something

@Endofether

I would not stay in this relationship op - sorry. He needs to integrate you into his life if he’s serious about you or you should cut your losses . Really feel for you ! X

Thank you

The problem OP is that you are getting more and more invested emotionally and the longer you go on like that, the harder it would be to break up.

It sounds like he has reasonable reasons to be cautious, but these are the reason that mean the relationship wouldn't work if his kids don't accept you in their lives. So you wait another 2 years and what happens if the girls are a nightmare, you don't agree at all with the way he is bringing them up, you never feel that you belong in your home and life is just stress and frustration?

Fair enough that he wouldn't want to rush you moving in together, but if they do know about you, what's the harm is just meeting up outside of home? He might not be married or up to no good, but something is going on that he is so reluctant to even arrange a meeting up.

It sounds as if he can't give you what you want just now I'm afraid . Have that conversation with him and then move on

Sorry OP, sounds a very tough situation. It does sound a little fishy on the face of things but you obviously know more about the details than a bunch of strangers on a board. If it's simply a case of his overprotecting the children then I think you need to have an honest conversation about how you feel. Don't let him persuade you to carry on unless he's willing to make more time for you. It might be better to take a breather from things and see how you both feel. It might push him to change his attitude or make you see the relationship with new eyes. Either way overcompensating for the kids' mum isn't going to help him or them in the long run and he really needs to address that for the sake of his DC, because they need a more normal, grounded life.

I think you know deep down that it won't work if things down change. Don't waste your life holding on to something that's a non-starter.

What about when they're on school? Can he take time off work or at least take you for lunch a few times a week?

The bit that seems strange to me is that either he doesn't work in which case he can see you when they're at school?

Or he does work and they are left alone after school and/or he has a sitter? In which case why can't he use this same arrangement to see you?

Don't be a mug OP. You deserve someone who is willing to give you the time you deserve.

How has your week been @Snooker98?