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Original poster

Won’t introduce me to his kids

198 replies

Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 08:28

Hi all...I have met this amazing man last autumn. I think the world of him and I know it’s mutual. He has custody of the kids as his wife has some issues. When I met him this wasn’t a problem as she had the kids every second weekend. But over lockdown her drinking is worse and now he has the kids full time. I don’t have children. This really impacts how and when we can meet. We typically meet once a week but it’s only for a few hours...and not at all this bank holiday as no child care for the kids. I have felt very lonely ....would love to have spent time with him but wasn’t to be.

I have said to him the only way this will change is if I meet the kids(17 and 12)....and integrate slightly into his life. Otherwise I just sit at home waiting for him to tell me when he is free and can get child care. He is reluctant due to a bad experience with a previous girlfriend who clashed with his eldest daughter leading to the daughter having some emotional issues when she was 14.... he mentioned last night that he would prefer if she finished her exams before meeting me. That’s over a year away in summer 2022.

I don’t know what to do. I have met someone I care so much about and have feelings for and so much respect for...but I can’t sit here seeing him once a week when he gets a baby sitter usually for a few hours on a Sunday night. That’s not a relationship. He has no relatives that can look after the kids for weekends and, due to the turmoil with the kids mother, he is feeling he has to overcompensate and not do anything to upset their emotional well-being. I feel so lonely.

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 31/05/2021 09:41

I thought you were talking about young children! A 17 year old needs little to no supervision. A 12 year old is ok for a few hours. He can absolutely meet you for lunch, walks, cinema etc

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 31/05/2021 09:42

Addiction isn't as simple as "rejected them" and for that alone I wouldn't get involved if you are relaying something he has said. If his story is true, which is highly doubtful, he is the usual run of the mill entitled man, looking to find a convenient girlfriend when his personal life does not give him the time to commit to anything. Did you meet on the internet? It's a hunting ground for a certain type of man.

LolaSmiles · 31/05/2021 09:45

I think he is sensible for not introducing his new girlfriend of less than a year to his children. They've had enough going on in their lives, including a negative experience with one of dad's girlfriends.

He should still be making time for you though, and with the children being the ages they are he should be able to come and spend time with you. Secondary school aged children with no additional needssdon't need a sitter.

SoLongSister · 31/05/2021 10:04

You wouldn't be meeting my younger child either after only knowing me 8/9 months.

However, his kids don't need babysitting. There is so.ething else going on.

I'd walk away.

GabsAlot · 31/05/2021 10:08

unless there are sn involved yo0u dont need a babysiter for their ages very odd

when iw as 17 i used to look after my 3 year old sibling all the time

Nataliafalka · 31/05/2021 10:12

No need for babysitter. I think it’s fine you haven’t met them but he can definitely manage a lunch / dinner / walk without them. My partner knows my kids but we have never had an overnight because I don’t think my kids are ready for it so that would also be perfectly normal

MrsMaizel · 31/05/2021 10:17

He's scared of his ex's reaction or he's just using you as an extra . When I met my now H he had teenage children and he would seem them alone but it finally got to a stage where he missed me so much that he integrated me into some of their time . I still insist he has alone time with them . This guy sounds like he's making excuses.

DysmalRadius · 31/05/2021 10:26

Is it that he needs a 'babysitter' for his kids or that he is spending time with them?! Most parents' back holiday plans would include any children that were interested, so realistically

DysmalRadius · 31/05/2021 10:30

Sorry - one handed typing!

Realistically he's doing typical family stuff with the kids and you aren't a part of that. I can't see how he can meet your needs without sacrificing time with his children and he's not prepared to do that. Admirable as a parent but no use as a partner.

CarnationCat · 31/05/2021 10:33

He's not into you. Sorry.

A 17 year old doesn't need a babysitter. And the 17 year old can look after the 12 year old.

I would count your losses and move on.

mrsg2019 · 31/05/2021 10:39

I agree with the other posters, it's hard but I think he has other commitments that he has not been honest about. Unless his children have additional needs which you haven't mentioned, there's no way he'd need a babysitter for children of those ages. He's making excuses and it sounds like you're so besotted with him that you can't see the wood for the trees. Don't make excuses for him, the longer this goes on the harder it will be when the truth comes out.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 31/05/2021 10:43

Talking to someone on the phone a couple of times a day doesn’t mean he’s not in a relationship with someone else.

I wouldn’t introduce you either especially if the background is correct. They need stability not an endless stream of women coming and going. My last relationship was about 2 years and the one time he met any of mine was when we ended up in the same club as one of mine 😂

PhillipPhillop · 31/05/2021 10:46

Are they even aware you exist? Not meeting them is one thing but talking to you after they are in bed smacks of subterfuge. I'd tell him it's not working for you and see what he comes up with. Then at least you'll know where you stand.

Iwonder08 · 31/05/2021 10:50

Just quit. Why do you want to be in relationship with someone who doesn't consider your feelings important? You are clearly not a priority for him and he doesn't want relationships. It is humiliating to sit and wait when he has a moment for you once in a blue moon.

FinallyHere · 31/05/2021 10:54

That’s not a relationship.

I'm afraid that you are right. It's a good sign that he is prioritising his children. There are plenty of threads on MN to describe how horrible life can be with troubled teenagers.

That doesn't mean you should sit around waiting for him for years. Stay friendly with him but not more. Meanwhile, invest in other parts of your life so that you enjoy yourself independently and have a great quality of life.

In a year or two, if you are both still interested, you could try a date and see how it goes. You may have other interests and be glad you didn't get involved with him.

OrchestraOfWankery · 31/05/2021 10:57

He's making excuses and it sounds like you're so besotted with him that you can't see the wood for the trees.

It certainly seems OP is totally besotted. I hope she sees the situation a little clearer now. I hope she isn't an unwitting OW.

Original poster
Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 10:57

@L0V315

What do you think you will do Snooker98?
I know he isnt married. I know he is just trying to do everything to support the kids given the turmoil they are going through. Being there for them, not adding any disruption. But I need more...or at least a timescale. I really don't know.....
OP posts:
Original poster
Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 10:59

@PhillipPhillop

Are they even aware you exist? Not meeting them is one thing but talking to you after they are in bed smacks of subterfuge. I'd tell him it's not working for you and see what he comes up with. Then at least you'll know where you stand.
Yes they do know I exist, He talks to me after they are in bed so he gets some uninterrupted time to speak and not be interupted by sorting them for bed and for school tomo ( the youngest one who is a problem to get to bed) and house stuff....he is a single parent
OP posts:
Original poster
Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 11:03

@MrsMaizel

He's scared of his ex's reaction or he's just using you as an extra . When I met my now H he had teenage children and he would seem them alone but it finally got to a stage where he missed me so much that he integrated me into some of their time . I still insist he has alone time with them . This guy sounds like he's making excuses.
he is scared of his kids reaction and adding more disruption given the turmoil they have gone through with an emotionally absent mother. everything has gotten worse in the last 4 months with the kids mother. and as I said, his previous relationship impacted the kids emotional health.
OP posts:
PaleGreenAndBrightOrange · 31/05/2021 11:08

@Snooker98 I think some people have jumped to some quite extreme advice without much info.

If he doesn’t introduce you to his kids AND you know that his previous GF clashed with DD then it’s possible that the DD is at a tricky stage of life and that he knows more of the full picture than anyone and is making a decision that is for the best. It’s certainly plausible that a child of an alcoholic mum might find it hard to accept a new relationship with anything approaching a mum-figure.

I completely understand your loneliness but I also completely understand his instinct to protect a. His kids from any more turmoil and B. His NEW relationship from any potential upset.

Also I definitely would ask him why he doesn’t feel he can leave his kids but it’s possible there’s an innocent explanation for why he can’t. No one on mumsnet has the answer to this one - you just need to talk to him and understand the situation.

seensome · 31/05/2021 11:08

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if you met more often with a goal to meet them by next summer if all going well.
I think you need to say you're not satisfied with how it currently still is.

Inthesameboatatmo · 31/05/2021 11:08

Unless the children have a degree of sen there is absolutely no way they couldn't be left alone, the oldest is practically adult.
Something isn't right there op ,hes either married or has other woman on the go as well ,sorry but bother the children are more than old enough to be left

Sakurami · 31/05/2021 11:09

Fair enough not introducing you yet but they don't need a babysitter at all. Nit even the 12 year old. I wouldn't leave my 12 year old overnight and would possibly stay local if out but otherwise they're fine alone. Kids can walk home from school from age 10/11 no problem.

And the 17 year old is practically an adult and most of them are already going out and many are in relationships themselves.

Pegsonstrings · 31/05/2021 11:11

Normally when a man says his ex has “issues” or is dealing with issues I personally would see it as a flag of some sort, he may be attacked already. His children are not of an age where they need babysitters. That’s an excuse surely. And you would not be asking on here if there wasn’t a niggles of doubt regarding this man. One the milestone with the exams are out, what about his younger child? Will there not be another exam? Illness? Difficult ex?

Maves · 31/05/2021 11:14

He's still with the Mrs. A 17 and 12 year old do not need babysitting! I was baby sitting young kids at 12:13! It's an excuse