Won’t introduce me to his kids

[Snooker98]

Hi all...I have met this amazing man last autumn. I think the world of him and I know it’s mutual. He has custody of the kids as his wife has some issues. When I met him this wasn’t a problem as she had the kids every second weekend. But over lockdown her drinking is worse and now he has the kids full time. I don’t have children. This really impacts how and when we can meet. We typically meet once a week but it’s only for a few hours...and not at all this bank holiday as no child care for the kids. I have felt very lonely ....would love to have spent time with him but wasn’t to be.

I have said to him the only way this will change is if I meet the kids(17 and 12)....and integrate slightly into his life. Otherwise I just sit at home waiting for him to tell me when he is free and can get child care. He is reluctant due to a bad experience with a previous girlfriend who clashed with his eldest daughter leading to the daughter having some emotional issues when she was 14.... he mentioned last night that he would prefer if she finished her exams before meeting me. That’s over a year away in summer 2022.

I don’t know what to do. I have met someone I care so much about and have feelings for and so much respect for...but I can’t sit here seeing him once a week when he gets a baby sitter usually for a few hours on a Sunday night. That’s not a relationship. He has no relatives that can look after the kids for weekends and, due to the turmoil with the kids mother, he is feeling he has to overcompensate and not do anything to upset their emotional well-being. I feel so lonely.

You've hit the nail right on the head, you have to stay at home bored all bank hol weekend and only see him for a few hours during the week all because of his childcare commitments, cut your losses now and move on and find someone more compatible with your lifestyle so that you can spend time off together and your not the one having to make all of the sacrifices

Unfortunately, I think he is not nearly as invested in this relationship as you are. I'd move on.

Simplest way. Start making arrangements to go out to wherever with him, doing stuff those who are dating do and interests you both.

Ask why his dcs need a babysitter considering at the youngest age his peers are babysitting. The 17 year old, some of their peers left home already, others parents themselves.

He’s allowed to have a life away from the dcs and it’s healthy. It’s healthy to leave them to it whilst he goes out on dates and stuff. Perhaps he needs reassurance that this is perfectly normal.

However of course for some parents their children will always remain priority regardless of their own happiness.

Have the children ever had counselling? It might do them some good to deal with having to live with an alcoholic. Perhaps some family therapy to help with boundaries and their independence from each other.

I understand about not wanting to “use” the older ones to sit. I pay mine in some way to look after the younger one (won’t take the cash) could this be one of the issues?

He should trust you enough to be honest with you and at the moment he’s not. If your pushing to meet the dcs stop, if you are it could be this that has his defences raised.

He's just not that into you.
I assume you have sex in the few hours you see him a week?

I have a fuck-buddy/FWB I see for 1 evening a week. I'm just not into him enough to give him more of my time (and vice-versa) but that evening is lovely and I enjoy spending it with him. We always have sex, if the sex stopped I wouldn't see him.
We chat/text in between.

It sounds like you have the same set-up as me, you're just not aware that's what it is?

I agree there's something VERY weird about this. He 'sorts his (12 and 17 year old) children for bed so can't talk to you at certain time? I really feel that he's not telling you something. Can you really be sure he's not still with his ex? Even on a trial seperation or her working away or something? The reasons you've given for knowing he isn't don't sound very convincing to me.

For whatever eason, a few hours a week suits him. I also agree he's mirroring you.

When my children were similar ages, I would regularly leave them alone for a few hours/the day but not overnight because the youngest didn't want me to be away overnight. Fair enough.

But they loved their time together when I wasn't there.

You're not getting the full truth here.

Just not quite sure what you are hoping to get from posting here OP - and I don’t mean that nastily at all. Nearly everybody has expressed the view that he is not in a position to have a serious relationship at this point - but you don’t seem willing to hear that.

The only thing you can change here is your own actions. You can’t make him create more time for you. All you can do is walk away and find somebody who does have the time for you, so that you won’t feel so crushingly lonely any more.

Or, just embrace it for what it is and stop worrying about it. That wouldn’t be my choice, but perhaps for you it’s preferable to being without him. (And obviously I’ve never met him to be fair - perhaps this man really is worth it).

I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly a year, and he has yet to meet my daughter (of whom I have shared custody). I introduced my ex to her way too soon, and she was very upset and angry when he kicked us out, so I’m in no rush to make that mistake again. (If I could work it, to be honest I would never introduce them just to avoid the risk of her being hurt again -I’m just not sure that plan is commensurate with having a committed relationship going forwards....). So I’d say your fella is being sensible, putting a long timescale on you meeting his kids. BUT if I only had two childfree hours a week, I wouldn’t have even considered embarking on a serious romantic relationship - I’d have looked for a FWB set-up at most. Or just stayed single. Because it’s not really a reasonable demand to make of a partner, to see you so rarely......

A very odd situation. The 17 year old can look out for the 12 year old. I think he's with someone else or still with his ex wife. Something not quite right about this set up. Walk away!

I assume the issue is that he'd have to explain to his dc where he was if he left them alone for an evening/ afternoon. He does not want to do that as it might put the cat amongst the pigeons.

Op the kids are 17and 12 he is just making excuses not to spend time with you

The17 year old can babysit the 12 year old

Im going to disagree with others who say that a 17 yer old and a 12 year old dont need childcare. I have children of a similar age and id never leave the eldest with the youngest so that I can go and see my bf. my child my responsibility, not my other childs.

I was an overprotective parent and absolutely put my child first but at 17 my DS was babysitting other children. This really doesn't sound right.

I would stop it with him right now. Your life is too short to sit around for a year. By then it might be a different reason why he cant see you.

He could easily leave a 12 year old with the 17 year old for a few hours! I’d walk away from this one, he doesn’t want to/can’t give you what you want.

I think it's reasonable to wait a year before introducing a new partner to kids, even without the extra problems they've been dealing with.

However, a clear and frank discussion about why he can't leave a 17 & 12 year old alone, or find anyone to sit in with them is needed.

I agree that something isn’t quite adding up here. I don’t think he’s wrong for holding off introducing you - it sounds like his kids have been through a lot and if he thinks it’s best to wait then fine. But needing a babysitter for a 12 & 17 year old is nonsense. Don’t they have social lives as well? Surely they’re not with him 100% of the time they’re not at school? They must be out with mates etc, so why does he never call and say he’s got a free evening or Saturday etc because the kids are busy? He’s either already in a relationship that you don’t know about or he just wants to see you once a week and keep you at arms length but instead of being fully open about that he’s using the kids as an excuse. Either way, if this arrangement doesn’t make you happy and he won’t compromise then walk away. Not many women would want this set up unless they have kids too and don’t want to integrate families.

I wouldnt be happy at being thrown the occasional crumbs...

Why can't his 17 year old babysit? Or he even integrate you into their lives slowly with the odd meet up here and there?

It all sounds very odd OP. I can understand him not wanting you to meet his children yet as you only met him in September and through lockdown. But 12 year olds and 7 year olds don’t need childcare and they certainly don’t need “sorting for bed” or whatever your words were. Why do you not know this, I know you don’t have kids yourself (neither do I) but I was 12 once and I was 17 once.

Like many posters, it all smacks of another relationship. Even if you are right that this is absolutely not true, there is no way that your feelings towards him are mutual. He spares you a few hours a week, I think he sees the “relationship” in the most casual sense.

Why do people always assume someone is married?!

OP I’ve not read the whole thread but can you not talk to him again? Is he adamant he won’t change his mind? The only other thing you could do is see it as casual and date others. He may come round. It’s shit though, I really feel for you. Does he call and initiate contact remotely?

This is the relationship 'honeymoon' period where you should be having fun and showing interest in each other. What you are experiencing is just rubbish, time to bin him!

@Whoopsls

Why do people always assume someone is married?!

OP I’ve not read the whole thread but can you not talk to him again? Is he adamant he won’t change his mind? The only other thing you could do is see it as casual and date others. He may come round. It’s shit though, I really feel for you. Does he call and initiate contact remotely?

All the time. Thank you for understanding.. I KNOW he isn't married or in another relationship. He shows me texts from his ex wife. He talks to me with the kids in the background. I know 110%. Why can't people understand he's got a very very complex set up and is trying to protect his children :(

@CandyLeBonBon

Oh op.

If his children are as traumatised as you believe them to be then this relationship is doomed because you do not stand a chance.

Which is what people have been saying for hours.

It seems you don't want to believe that is the case.

This is not 'the one' no matter how lovely he is and how much you wish it were so.

I wish you luck.

Thank you. You speak a lot of sense.

@jannyapple

It sounds to me it's more of a " no daddy will never bring another lady that you might not like into your lives , daddy is here for you , everything is ok " Situation I think he is knows these kids are affected by their mother and he is over protecting at his own cost .... or he's not that into you I'd bet it's the first

Thank you... I think you are right

Look OP - you can’t have it both ways.

You can’t defend the inflexibility as necessary to protect his children but criticise his not seeing you more for the very same reason.

@MrsMaizel

You keep in avoiding the question - have you ever been to his house ?

Do you ever go out on real dates in public places ?

Yes I have been to his house.. And yes, we go for dates in public places.... Near his house and have bumped into friends of his etc