Page 2 | Won’t introduce me to his kids

gamerchick · 31/05/2021 08:56

I had move out at 17. Seriously OP, can you not see why that's weird? Unless she has SN and can't be left.

gamerchick · 31/05/2021 08:57

Tbh I'd let him know it's pretty obvious he isnt ready for a relationship. Wish him well and maybe you'll bump into each other in the future.

ApolloandDaphne · 31/05/2021 08:59

No-one needs to get childcare for a 17yo. The 17yo can look after the 12yo to let him go out. I agree that there is something fishy going on here.

BootsieBarns · 31/05/2021 08:59

He's training you to accept less in the relationship.

Just remember you only have his word for every has told you about his kids, ex etc. Maybe there's a reason he doesn't want the two worlds to collide?

ShamrockHillz · 31/05/2021 09:01

Definitely something else going on here. At 13 I was babysitting my 11 year old and 6 year old brothers for a couple of hours here and there. There’s no way a 17 year old and 12 year old needs a babysitter

bangheadhere40 · 31/05/2021 09:02

I'd moved out at 17...

This doesn't add up.

R0SEMARY · 31/05/2021 09:02

Yup he’s married.

notapizzaeater · 31/05/2021 09:06

At 17 and 12 he could leave them fir a few hours in the day if he wasn't comfortable leaving them at night, he's really not doing them any favours by overprotecting them.

Original poster

Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 09:09

he is 100% not married. We speak 3 times a day first thing in the morning and last thing at night when kids are in bed. He is just trying to do is best for his kids who have been emotionally and psychologically impacted through their mothers drinking which probably leads him to being over protective...trying to compensate for a mother who has rejected them and chose alcohol over them,

I met him in September

OP posts:

bangheadhere40 · 31/05/2021 09:11

You don't have to meet them but wht can't he leave them for an evening?

converseandjeans · 31/05/2021 09:12

I agree that it's fine not to introduce you.

But a 17yo and 12yo could be left even occasionally for say 2-3 hrs so he could meet you for lunch or a walk.

I don't think the relationship is likely to last if you have to wait until next summer to even be able to meet up.

Amdone123 · 31/05/2021 09:13

I thought you were going to say 3 and 5 !
The 17 year old is surely independent so that's not an issue. And the 12 year old surely has a life ?! Friends, clubs, etc.
If he really wanted to see you, he would manage his time.
I would tell him either things change or call it a day. I agree with pps you don't have to meet them yet. This is sensible as it sounds like they've been through enough.
Sitting at home waiting though ? No way.

Mumoftwo1990 · 31/05/2021 09:13

@Snooker98

Hi all...I have met this amazing man last autumn. I think the world of him and I know it’s mutual. He has custody of the kids as his wife has some issues. When I met him this wasn’t a problem as she had the kids every second weekend. But over lockdown her drinking is worse and now he has the kids full time. I don’t have children. This really impacts how and when we can meet. We typically meet once a week but it’s only for a few hours...and not at all this bank holiday as no child care for the kids. I have felt very lonely ....would love to have spent time with him but wasn’t to be.

I have said to him the only way this will change is if I meet the kids(17 and 12)....and integrate slightly into his life. Otherwise I just sit at home waiting for him to tell me when he is free and can get child care. He is reluctant due to a bad experience with a previous girlfriend who clashed with his eldest daughter leading to the daughter having some emotional issues when she was 14.... he mentioned last night that he would prefer if she finished her exams before meeting me. That’s over a year away in summer 2022.

I don’t know what to do. I have met someone I care so much about and have feelings for and so much respect for...but I can’t sit here seeing him once a week when he gets a baby sitter usually for a few hours on a Sunday night. That’s not a relationship. He has no relatives that can look after the kids for weekends and, due to the turmoil with the kids mother, he is feeling he has to overcompensate and not do anything to upset their emotional well-being. I feel so lonely.

It's nice to hear that he is putting the kids well being first, especially since their mother isn't but I also get what you're saying. Maybe just say look I would like to meet them, if your daughter doesn't connect with me in a positive way we'll call it a day because you're either going to have to end it now if he won't do that or at least attempt a meet, then if it doesn't work at least you tried.

gamerchick · 31/05/2021 09:14

@Snooker98

he is 100% not married. We speak 3 times a day first thing in the morning and last thing at night when kids are in bed. He is just trying to do is best for his kids who have been emotionally and psychologically impacted through their mothers drinking which probably leads him to being over protective...trying to compensate for a mother who has rejected them and chose alcohol over them,

I met him in September

Then you have a choice to make. How much are you going to accept from this man?

It's up to you.

NancyPickford · 31/05/2021 09:17

At those ages he can go out in the evening without a babysitter. The 17-year-old is certainly old enough to be left, and can keep and eye on the younger one. A babysitter for a 17-year-old? I never heard of such a thing, unless they have special needs.

Sally872 · 31/05/2021 09:19

He does not need a babysitter. Overnights may be difficult if the children can't be trusted or are nervous. But there is no way he couldn't spend a day or an evening with you anytime he wants.

Childcare is not the reason. Possibly he is scared of children's reaction to new partner. But he could still keep it secret if he wanted to.

Children do come first, but not to the extent he can rarely see you at all.

OrchestraOfWankery · 31/05/2021 09:21

I have met this amazing man last autumn.

In what way is he amazing? Stringing a woman along when he has no intention of a proper 'dating' relationship doesn't sound amazing to me.

I think the world of him and I know it’s mutual.

Doesn't sound like he has 'mutual' feelings for you, either.

You seem to be well hidden from his main life. Step back from this. You're wasting your time. He's more than likely married or has someone else on the go.

Butterfly44 · 31/05/2021 09:28

September to now is only a few months. Too soon to introduce to kids lives. With that little contact and meet up it's not enough to make that decision no matter how you feel yourself. You're both looking at the relationship from different angles.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/05/2021 09:28

It’s ok to not introduce you or make a big thing as yet, but it’s not ok to sideline you. I have a 17yr old and she would be offended if I booked a baby sitter for her and her younger siblings. She IS the baby sitter.

Something don’t add up and I think he is making excuses so that he doesn’t have to make time or consider you. You also don’t seem to be considering yourself and feelings here-if you don’t then he doesn’t have to either. If you are keen on him then have a grown up talk and I wouldn’t be taking excuses like the baby sitter nonsense. You’re just wasting your life. I’d have a very low threshold for walking away and would let him know that as well, that you’re not prepared to be on hold any longer and that there has to be some development or you’re done

OwlTwitterings · 31/05/2021 09:31

Even married men can spend time talking to the OW several times a day. Not having childcare is an excuse as neither child need it. So he’s lying to you already and avoiding seeing you. Just cut your losses and move on.

Original poster

Snooker98 · 31/05/2021 09:33

yes i think you are right

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 31/05/2021 09:34

@Snooker98

he is 100% not married. We speak 3 times a day first thing in the morning and last thing at night when kids are in bed. He is just trying to do is best for his kids who have been emotionally and psychologically impacted through their mothers drinking which probably leads him to being over protective...trying to compensate for a mother who has rejected them and chose alcohol over them,

I met him in September

Most 17 year olds go to bed pretty late op - What sort of time are you talking?

Bagelsandbrie · 31/05/2021 09:38

Sounds very odd.

I have a 17 year old dd and she goes to bed later than me....! She’s up until 1-2 at the weekends, going out with friends during the week etc and babysits her younger brother for me (9) at times occasionally.

He doesn’t sound very interested. Sorry.

L0V315 · 31/05/2021 09:38

What do you think you will do Snooker98?

PurpleMustang · 31/05/2021 09:40

On the one hand if there has been a bad experience before and also dealing with their mum's behaviour I can see how he is wanting to look out for them. Also with the 17 yr old doing exams, it has been ridiculously tricky for their schooling and she would have had a crap time with her GCSE'S being messed about. But that said there is no reason why, if he wanted to go out the older one could not look after the younger one for even a few hours. If he is serious about you he should be doing the general rule of date for 6 months, tick done that, tell the kids but don't meet for a few months so they get used to the idea, then meet the kids. Even if he told the kids but you didn't meet them, with oldest babysitting would be something for the next year. Or does oldest plan to go to uni and he is waiting till she has gone.