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Original poster

Where did all the good men go in the UK?

477 replies

DadAManger · 21/05/2021 14:52

I am asking this for a friend - really!

I hear over and over now from my single friends over 30 that there is a massive shortfall in good quality men in the UK?

Do MN users and readers agree? What are your own experiences? Many happily married women on here I'm sure, so what's your view?

One thing I do notice myself - but don't necessarily share with my single friends (I like them) - is that a lot of them seem to have long lists of "must-have/must-be" points for a guy to be up to standard for them?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2021 14:53

I married a foreigner. I can thoroughly recommend it Grin

osbertthesyrianhamster · 21/05/2021 14:55

One thing I do notice myself - but don't necessarily share with my single friends (I like them) - is that a lot of them seem to have long lists of "must-have/must-be" points for a guy to be up to standard for them?

Why shouldn't they have standards and just settle for some oik? Reading the boards on here, they're right, there are a lot of shitty men out there. I married a foreigner, too.

CuteOrangeElephant · 21/05/2021 14:56

I took mine with me to my home country. Sorry Grin

amy2021 · 21/05/2021 14:57

I kinda think men have not really changed much, there are just less women willing to put up with their bullshit. However, I do know quite a few that will break something off at the first sign of trouble, even something as small as 'she didn't like how he acted at dinner'. So I think a mixture of having high standards but also that this can go too far.

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 21/05/2021 14:57

I'm not sure.

The thing I notice about my terminally single friends is that they don't bin off the bad ones quickly enough and really, really want a relationship. I think these two things are linked so they persist with bad men longer than they really warrant which means if their ideal man is out there, they are already busy in a relationship with a manchild and they don't meet mr right.

jannyapple · 21/05/2021 14:59

I've done OLD on and off for a couple of years
I find British men to have so many hang ups - anxieties - baggage - issues
Recent conversation ... him - " do you have any mental health issue ? " me - "not particularly I'm pretty happy most of the time "
Him - " that's good "
6 weeks later he tells me he's had several previous suicide attempts and on meds
But wasn't prepared to take on a woman who may be suffering
Shake my head in disbelief
May think about the foreigner idea 🤣

seensome · 21/05/2021 15:00

I think them having standards is a good thing as they are less likely to date an unsuitable man, it takes time to right the right mutual connection and shouldn't be rushed for a better chance of the relationship surviving.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/05/2021 15:04

I kinda think men have not really changed much, there are just less women willing to put up with their bullshit.

I absolutely agree with this. Especially as women get into their 30s, they are much more sensible and less prepared to overlook glaring faults. I've certainly become more and more picky and less tolerant as I've aged.

Its probably also a factor that women do not NEED men in the way that they used to back in the 20th century. Single parenting is no longer looked down on, and our earning potential is higher than its ever been. Women can afford to be choosy rather than settle.

MissyB1 · 21/05/2021 15:13

They are out there!

My ds is 31, a lovely guy, good job, own flat and car, also volunteers for a homeless charity because he really cares about people in difficult circumstances. He’s divorced (no fault of his own, she had an affair). Single because he finds it difficult to meet women in these Covid times. He doesn’t have a specific list of criteria, happy to meet a single mum, just wants to meet a nice caring person.

It’s just as hard for guys is my point I suppose.

Susannahmoody · 21/05/2021 15:15

From what I read on here they're all porn obsessed losers.

Original poster
DadAManger · 21/05/2021 15:29

I fully agree with the "no need to settle" point. The challenge seems to be that, increasingly - maybe partially because of social media and more of an insight into "ideal lifestyles" - 50%+ of ladies are only wanting guys in the top 10% (successful commercial lawyers, doctors, C-level guys)? Seems to make it harder and harder. As one exasperated lawyer said to me - "I was chasing a barrister I know, but it seems that half of single London is chasing him too! Now he has gone off with a very sweet nurse 10 years younger!" According to her anyway, the top 10% of guys have a huge amount of choice and other regular, traditionally good, guys have much less choice. But she still wants a guy earning as much or more than her of course and won't settle - why should she I guess? :).

@MissyB1 maybe it is hard for the guys too (as above). But maybe your DS just needs a bit longer to find a good lady second time around!

OP posts:
DeadlyMedally · 21/05/2021 15:39

50%+ of ladies are only wanting guys in the top 10% (successful commercial lawyers, doctors, C-level guys)?

That would be interesting if true. I think most men are either indifferent to women's levels of "success" or intimidated by it. Women behaving like that would be severely stacking the odds against themselves.
That said, I don't think it's true. Bonnie Tyler was asking the same question 35 years ago. I just don't think men have the same time-based delineation between "fun" and "settling down" (which is probably somewhat rooted in fertility and maternal drives) and there's less incentive than ever for them to be corralled into it.

coronaway · 21/05/2021 15:42

I think it's too simplistic to make such a statement (although I'm guilty of making it myself in moments of frustration Grin).

I think these days, and more so women than men, have unrealistic standards - online dating has become a checkbox exercise whereas real life isn't so black and white. People should definitely have standards but its easy to get carried away and pick the wrong ones while then ignore important ones or overlooking obvious red flags because someone ticks off lots of (often pointless) boxes.

Wasn't there a study fairly recently that asked men and women if you would go into a serious relationship with someone who ticked 80% of what you were looking for? Most of the men said they would jump at the chance while most of the women said no.

There is definitely a subset of men who play the game with online dating, know how to present themselves, the right things to say etc but aren't actually great partners.

I think with OLD there is an ever growing concentration of undesirables as the normal ones either get lucky and quickly come off them or are so horrified by the experience check out of the game completely.

The other factor is there is less need to be in a relationship than days gone past. It was more of a necessity so I imagine more people put up with shoddy relationships.

YouShouldLeave · 21/05/2021 15:47

@DadAManger

I fully agree with the "no need to settle" point. The challenge seems to be that, increasingly - maybe partially because of social media and more of an insight into "ideal lifestyles" - 50%+ of ladies are only wanting guys in the top 10% (successful commercial lawyers, doctors, C-level guys)? Seems to make it harder and harder. As one exasperated lawyer said to me - "I was chasing a barrister I know, but it seems that half of single London is chasing him too! Now he has gone off with a very sweet nurse 10 years younger!" According to her anyway, the top 10% of guys have a huge amount of choice and other regular, traditionally good, guys have much less choice. But she still wants a guy earning as much or more than her of course and won't settle - why should she I guess? :).

@MissyB1 maybe it is hard for the guys too (as above). But maybe your DS just needs a bit longer to find a good lady second time around!

This sounds like MRA bullshit.
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2021 15:49

Now he has gone off with a very sweet nurse 10 years younger!

Sweet, young nurse is probably top 10% sought after women, right? So it works out. They've done studies of dating ads (old data). Men want looks, youth and looks and youth again. Women want personality traits, height and solvency.

Selkie1961 · 21/05/2021 15:52

Not Ireland that's for sure. Been single my whole life apart from brief flings where i was controlled ignored or love bombed. I think the happy ending is to give up.

Toilenstripes · 21/05/2021 15:56

Too many focus on looks. I married a foreign geek raised to be a gentleman.

Selkie1961 · 21/05/2021 15:56

Women are mocked for having a standard. But if a woman is herself goodlooking funny healthy sane and solvent, there's this narrative that to expect what she can offer herself from a partner is what's standing in her way. Ie her own fault. She must understand that she can expect less than she can offer.

That's my conclusion at 50. No way would i bother looking now. But a man my age, healthy attractive employed funny sane.... of course he'd still be in the game.
It used to depress me but now i shrug

Original poster
DadAManger · 21/05/2021 16:00

@MrsTerryPratchett - thank you and that was my point (in a way) I think.

"Men want looks, youth and looks and youth again. Women want personality traits, height and solvency."

But, where does that leave my early 40s very beautiful lawyer friend who is looking for a man of her level and above of the same age? The men she will have can get younger models (and don't even get me started on the overseas options for successful early-40s guys)!

OP posts:
FeistySheep · 21/05/2021 16:01

Well there's settling and settling isn't there. Don't settle for a nasty scumbag, but do 'settle' for a kind man who just happens to not be as physically attractive as you, or as rich as you, or taller than you, etc etc. Some single people I know (absolutely not all) can't see the relative unimportance of looks, height, and money. Others can't tell the difference between a man who is keen but shy, and a disinterested man.

The other thing which PP mentioned is that you have to chuck men the second you realise they're not lifelong partner material. So many people waste time.

I don't think men are worse than they were. They've probably improved in some respects and got worse in others, but overall, no.

Selkie1961 · 21/05/2021 16:02

There arent enough young women to go around so some older men know they have to be realiistic. Some.
If i was 40 again, id try and accept 7 years older whereas i had an upper limit of 5 (and still had no luck)

FourTeaFallOut · 21/05/2021 16:05

I think most of the good ones get mopped up in their twenties and after that it's like looking for a decent item that actually fits in a next sale.

Emanchego · 21/05/2021 16:10

Deffo recommend looking further afield.

MarshmallowAra · 21/05/2021 16:22

Canada has a shortage of women apparently.

MarshmallowAra · 21/05/2021 16:25

But, where does that leave my early 40s very beautiful lawyer friend who is looking for a man of her level and above of the same age? The men she will have can get younger models

Depends if they want kids/more kids.

If he already had kids, he may not want more - and most younger women will probably want kids. I do know some eligible men who've gone for around their age, not younger.