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Original poster

Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

317 replies

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:19

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 20/05/2021 19:21

You cant force him if he doesn't want to lose weight or doesn't have the self motivation to do it.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:22

I know the only way he is going to lose weight is if he wants to but he likes his food and although he isnt lazy he isnt burning off that many calories.

As he doesn't think he is fat I think it is a lost cause.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 20/05/2021 19:22

And I think you need to back off if your input has led to him eating in secret

Brokensharted · 20/05/2021 19:24

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:25

Yeah I agree, I told him that about a year ago that I wasn't going to get involved or say anything and to be fair to me I haven't. He's put on weight since then sadly.

Perhaps we just arent compatible and need different people.

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 20/05/2021 19:27

The problem is that you made empty threats. You said you’d leave and you didn’t.
So now he thinks you’re calling his bluff.

I would maybe try a different approach. Instead of focusing on his looks, tell him you’re worried about his health, your sex life dwindling, etc.

I know how you feel. My DH has gained lots of weight and it’s very off putting.

Motnight · 20/05/2021 19:27

Op do you love your husband?

Mojoj · 20/05/2021 19:28

You tried. He's clearly not interested in trying to lose weight. If you find him unattractive fat there's no point continuing the relationship hoping he's going to miraculously decide he's too fat.

Bookaholic73 · 20/05/2021 19:28

Also, it wouldn’t be ‘leaving without saying anything’. You said something. Twice now.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:30

I initially went in with the health concerns and looking after yourself but it just doesn't go through.

I love him dearly but I can't help but feel saddened when I look at him.

OP posts:
seedlingrain · 20/05/2021 19:32

Giving someone an ultimatum over their own body isn't a kind or loving thing to do. And anyway, as you've found, it hasn't worked.

I think this relationship is over, don't you?

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:32

Its not just the physically attractiveness although that is a major factor, I'm always trying to be the best person I can be and he is making IMO no effort whatsoever.

OP posts:
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:34

I didnt want to give an ultimatum but it would be unfair to leave someone for putting on weight if you hadnt already discussed it with them.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 20/05/2021 19:36

What weight is he?

CheerfulBunny · 20/05/2021 19:37

It's hard, mate. My OH has put his weight back on recently. He's been big most of his adult life - really big at times, to the end that he had a heart attack and a stent fitted a few years ago. He's now started to snore really badly again which is putting a strain on our relationship as I can't sleep.
I prefer a healthy sort of diet, it's just what I like so that's what I cook and I work out in our little home gym most week nights. But he won't use it, despite it being right there. He thinks going for a walk with a mate (once a week or once in a blue moon, more like) is enough. I know he binges on sweets before I get up and keeps chocolate and biscuits in his car. He just has a strange mentality around food. He'll do some things, like moaning about the healthy olive oil I use but then simultaneously binges on sweets because 'you have to have a treat, don't you?' He claims to enjoy food but woffs it down in five seconds flat !
I don't know what the answer is. You can't force someone. I love him whatever but it does worry me.

partyatthepalace · 20/05/2021 19:37

OP I suspect his definition of ‘being the best person he can be’ just isn’t the same as yours. You clearly aren’t happy, and I am doubtful he is. You can’t have a successful relationship with someone who you don’t like or respect. It’s not fair on either of you.

I’d make plans to move on, you will both be happier.

OverTheRubicon · 20/05/2021 19:38

You put a lot of moral judgement into food and weight. You're trying to be the 'best person I can be' and he isn't. You tried 'good' food that he wouldn't eat.

There are some very fat people who bring so much good and joy to the world and some very attractive and slim people who are net negatives (and vice versa of course). Weight has nothing to do with whether you are your best self. Maybe he's also lazy or horrible or whatever, but based on your op, you're the one who needs to think about what being your best really means.

OverTheRubicon · 20/05/2021 19:39

(and I'm slim, btw, so not saying this from a sense of defensiveness)

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:39

He is 6foot and over 15st.

OP posts:
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:41

I'm 5ft 8in and 9.5stone

OP posts:
MamaWeasel · 20/05/2021 19:43

I can't believe I'm reading this from the op.....I agree with @overtherubicon

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:43

CheerfulBunny, a lot of similarities there especially with hiding food in the car. Sorry to hear about his health it is a big worry :(

OP posts:
Prettybubblesintheair · 20/05/2021 19:43

You need to leave him. You will both be happier. Personally I would be devastated to be with someone who felt “saddened” when they looked at me. I bet he would be if he knew you felt like that.

You do know it’s possible to be a bit over weight and still be your best self don’t you?

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:47

OverTheRubicon. I don't think wanting my partner to be a healthy weight is so much to ask, is it?

I'm annoyed about the lies, why didnt he say years ago he doesn't want to lose weigh rather than string it out.

OP posts:
MoonshineTuttiFrutti · 20/05/2021 19:47

You sound like you're talking about an overweight dog.

How cruel and patronising. Leave him and let him live how he chooses. You can find a nice slim boyfriend.