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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

317 replies

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:19

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

OP posts:

Original poster

xnowayout · 06/01/2022 16:41

Thank you all for the kind words, I do feel like a massive weight has been lifted and the clouds have parted. I hope he finds someone because I know he will be happier.

He was young when we met and a lot more active, he eats more and does less.

OP posts:

ClawedButler · 06/01/2022 16:48

Congratulations (to him)

Wagsandclaws · 06/01/2022 17:10

This thread is really sad. I'm terribly sorry about your marriage coming to an end.

I was overweight for years, actually I was overweight when I met Dh, my previous Dh was cruel and horrible to me about my size amongst other things and has caused untold damage.

I don't think you were horrible about it you asked him and didn't bully him so I suppose that's that.

You haven't said what he has said about your marriage ending? Is he begging you for another chance? Another few months?

Tbh if I had had to lose weight to keep my Dh i wouldn't have wanted him in the end anyway. As you've said too he has to do it for him and he doesn't seem that bothered OR he like countless others really does struggle with his weight.

I used to eat in secret like him, it was my comfort as much as it was my nemesis. It's so sad.

I really do get that to some people it's super important that they are in the same page in terms of looking after themselves.

I can't help but think what about depression? what about if they are really struggling? I don't know 🤷‍♀️

I have lost over 6 stone, I could probably do with another 1 or so to get to a bmi of 25 but I am quietly happier about my overall look. I have type 2 diabetes - it hasn't changed at all for losing the weight, my consultant endocrinologist told me that sometimes it doesn't.

I genuinely hope that you both end up happier with your new partners which both of you will undoubtedly meet.

I do feel ever so sorry for your Dh and in some ways I feel sorry for you, I can't imagine looking over my shoulder for the rest of my lift incase I don't come up to my Dh's expectations of how I should look.

I hope and I'm pretty sure that he loves me for me and for what's inside and ultimately finds that attractive.

Original poster

xnowayout · 06/01/2022 17:28

Well done on the loss that’s a great achievement.

Despite all the name calling on here and telling me I’m cold, I would never want to hurt his feelings, there is no point being horrible about it, he’s not a bad man.

He didn’t really say much at all, he accepted it and didn’t try to make things better. He is taking meds for anxiety.

OP posts:

WineThenMisletoe · 06/01/2022 18:39

You have different values.

If you want to live your life based on your values and he wants to live by his, it would be right to have a serious talk, and as other pp's have said you have to be willing to follow through on the outcome of the talk. Either that or change your values as your DH is not going to change his.

Good luck OP, your posts clearly show you care about your DH even though others may not see that.

Tealtalk · 07/01/2022 07:30

Just because your definition of ‘ being the best person you can be’ includes what you weight that doesn’t mean his ( or other peoples ) does too
Some peoples definition of being the best person they can be is about compassion , acceptance and not trying to control others .

Derelicthome · 07/01/2022 07:49

If he’s on meds for anxiety they cause you to gain weight, its a side effect.

Original poster

xnowayout · 09/06/2023 21:41

I thought I'd give an update as our divorce was finalised today. 😥

OP posts:

EarthSight · 09/06/2023 22:03

Motnight · 20/05/2021 19:27

Op do you love your husband?

Why is that relevant? You can love someone and not be sexually attracted to them, and be worried for their health because of their weight. If it's to do with overeating, that may not be attractive either.

EarthSight · 09/06/2023 22:05

Didn't realise this was an old thread. I'm really sorry OP. I think you've discovered that this was a dealbreaker for the both of you. He was happy the way he was, and you weren't. It depends on the degree of weight, but I wouldn't want to have sex with a fat man, personally.

Cameleongirl · 09/06/2023 22:07

I’m sorry to hear your news, OP, but it did sound like you weren’t on the same wavelength and now you can both get on with your lives. Best of luck. 💐

Cameleongirl · 09/06/2023 22:10

Re. The family member I mentioned back in 2021. She’s now morbidly obese and has developed sleep apnea and is pre-diabetic - in her mid-40’s. ☹️
People will only make changes when they want to.

Original poster

xnowayout · 09/06/2023 22:14

@Cameleongirl oh no thats heartbreaking :(

OP posts:

Original poster

xnowayout · 09/06/2023 22:15

It reminds me of my DM who has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember, you really want to help but are powerless. There is nothing you can do.

OP posts:

Prettybutdumb · 09/06/2023 22:52

Sakurami · 20/05/2021 20:32

6ft and 95kilos isn't that overweight for a man I don't think . You need to chill out op or leave him. Jeez.

These are also my husband’s measurements and I’ve never thought of him as fat, not once! He’s been the exact same size since I met him 15 years ago. I’m a bit 😳 about this post. He’s very active and I’m sure a lot of him is muscle, but still.

Bearpawk · 10/06/2023 11:28

Yep. If you no are no longer attracted to him then leave and talk can both find other people you can be more happy with.
You can't force someone to lose weight. Your actions have clearly exacerbated the problem and made him want to eat in secret.

Bearpawk · 10/06/2023 11:29

And *you can both

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