Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

[xnowayout]

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

@xnowayout

I would miss him but I can't help the way I feel about it as much as I've tried.

Then you need to move on. You're flogging a dead horse.

@Sakurami pretty sure he medically obese.

Putting his weight and height into the NHS bmi calculator shows he is not even obese! He is overweight and his bmi is 28, so his stats have been exaggerated here. My bmi is 28 too and I am working at getting it to a healthy level as I can see I am clearly carrying some excess. However, I am a small size 12 and I would be pretty offended if my husband felt this way. He loves and supports me no matter what I weigh and is proud of the person I am, which is so much more than my weight.

I’d have left YOU years ago if you treated me like that

@CombatBarbie Ah thanks I didn't understand.

@EssexLioness before the bs claims I said he is OVER 15st not 15st.

What’s stopped you from leaving and do you know why it’s bothering you more right now?

You can leave for any reason whenever you like. That’s okay.

Wow just wow. FYI bmi is extremely outdated. Your poor DP.

You don’t love him, that isn’t love and the way you talk about him is awful. Do him a favour and leave.

People change throughout the course of their lives, get old, injure ourselves, health conditions, appearance changes, and I’d expect the person who claims to ‘love’ me to love me and find me attractive through all of that.

@AnneLovesGilbert He knew it was important and said he was doing something about it, I know it has been going on too long but I didn't want to make any rash decisions.

@Lorw I don't agree but no matter which way you measure it you can see with your eyes.

Fair enough, if he weighs 15st 13lbs for example then his bmi would be 30.2 so that would make sense. I still feel that this is a sad post. I understand not feeling as attracted to someone if their physical appearance changes, but I just can’t imagine leaving an otherwise good relationship for this reason. However, if you are both so unhappy maybe it is for the best

@Lorw Oh and if he lost a leg, went bald or anything else outside of his control I wouldn't feel the same. I feel the same about this as if he started doing drugs, self inflicted.

[quote xnowayout]@AnneLovesGilbert He knew it was important and said he was doing something about it, I know it has been going on too long but I didn't want to make any rash decisions.

@Lorw I don't agree but no matter which way you measure it you can see with your eyes.[/quote]
But you're not making a rash decision. It's been going on for years. So move on!

@EssexLioness It is sad, I feel sad, he is very happy!

It’s all very well saying you’d expect someone to find you attractive no matter what, but what if they don’t? It’s hardly something they can control.

[quote xnowayout]@EssexLioness It is sad, I feel sad, he is very happy![/quote]
He's hardly Jabba but it doesn't work for you so you need to leave.

@Mojoj

You tried. He's clearly not interested in trying to lose weight. If you find him unattractive fat there's no point continuing the relationship hoping he's going to miraculously decide he's too fat.

Yes, that's the bottom line.

If you don't find your partner physically attractive any more and don't want to live a life of celibacy then separation is the only way. It's not a crime.

@GravityFalls

It’s all very well saying you’d expect someone to find you attractive no matter what, but what if they don’t? It’s hardly something they can control.

Then you leave 🤷🏻‍♀️ Simple as that really.

He is disrespecting you by not trying.

How old is he? Has he always been overweight? Or did it start once he’d got comfortable?

I get where you are coming from. It’s harsh, but more emphasis needs to be put on a healthy lifestyle in this country.

@xnowayout

I would miss him but I can't help the way I feel about it as much as I've tried.

Then you need to leave him.

You can leave for any reason. It’s no one’s business but yours. Just don’t give him an ultimatum- lose weight or I’ll leave. That would be cruel.

@Doomsdayisstillcoming he is mid thirties and only put the weight on after we met.

You shouldn't feel guilty about not finding this attractive, your feelings are valid. I've had two partners who were obese, one who was when I got together with him, the other put on weight over the course of the relationship. I've always told myself it's personality that counts and not physical appearance, but really that's female socialisation at play, of course you are entitled to want to be with a partner you find attractive. That said, being overweight wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me if everything else in the relationship was good. With both my ex's, their overeating seemed to come from a place of anxiety, self-indulgence, lack of willpower and laziness (please note I'm not saying that's true of all overweight people, but in their cases it was). Naturally, I find these qualities unattractive. It also negatively impacted my life, in that one of my ex's did all the cooking - how could I complain about that?! - well, because he would make large unhealthy meals, and tbh was a bit of a feeder. He was insecure and I believe he was trying to fatten me up to make me less attractive to others as he was extremely jealous. I'd also pay half for food and get to eat about a quarter of it. He'd also drink a lot and I'd end up then drinking more than I wanted to as well, so ultimately what we wanted in terms of our lifestyles were incompatible. I'm rambling a bit, but what I'm getting at is it not so much depends on the weight but how the overeating ties in with the rest of his personality and how this creates incompatibility in the relationship. You can't change his personality, so it's up to you if you think you'd be happier with someone else or not. I certainly wouldn't want to take on the role of his dietician, and it would be futile anyway.

[quote xnowayout]@Doomsdayisstillcoming he is mid thirties and only put the weight on after we met.[/quote]
Yeah, that sucks.

I’m sorry OP. I’d tell him how you feel, and tell him that he really needs to try. That you know he tried last time, but it wasn’t good enough, and that he needs to make serious changes to his lifestyle.

Does he have a demanding/time consuming job? Even so, I’d probably rather be poorer and thinner than rich and fat. So even that isn’t set in stone.

There was an identical thread to this a few years ago, and the OP was just as obnoxious and controlling as this one.

I hope that bloke got away from her, and I hope your bloke gets away from you!

@ThursdayWeld

You'll have a tough time on this thread, OP. Being fat is sacred.

Someone is drinking too much? Loads of support in trying to get them to cut down!

Ditto smoking.

Someone is eating themselves into and beyond obesity? LOVE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE!!!

Yes why is that? Why is overeating OK? Is it because most people enjoy it themselves, whereas plenty of people haven't done drugs or become dependent on alcohol?

@Doomsdayisstillcoming Not really if anything I have the demanding stressful job, he has an okay job but doesn't push himself unlike me.

@UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea I'm not controlling, I can't control him. I just told him how I feel.