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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

317 replies

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:19

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

OP posts:
ThursdayWeld · 20/05/2021 20:04

I suspect if you left he would be able to loose the weight and start to value himself enough to want to be good to himself and eat healthy foods

So you think he should lose the weight, @PandaLady?

Serpenta · 20/05/2021 20:05

If I had gained weight to the extent my partner was no longer sexually attracted to me I'd want them to let me know, in a very loving and tactful way. And I feel sorry for the pp whose husband has previously suffered a heart attack yet continues to binge eat. That would make me angry that they valued their health, and therefore my happiness, so little.

There are so many emotional layers involved in why someone overeats and why they find it difficult to change their eating habits. I sympathise, OP.

tiredanddangerous · 20/05/2021 20:06

Making someone feel like shit doesn't make them lose weight op.

He deserves to be with someone who loves him for who he is, not what he looks like.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 20:06

Yes his family have a history of diabetes and are mostly overweight, his parents tell me I need to put on weight!

OP posts:
itsme1978 · 20/05/2021 20:08

Is there anything you like about him? Admire him for? Do you respect him? I assume you don't fancy him anymore?

Macaroni46 · 20/05/2021 20:10

I feel very sorry for him OP. Why can't you just love him for who he is?
My ex used to pressure me to lose weight. It's who I am. I'm plump. Fat. Overweight. I love food, especially chocolate and I'm not a huge fan of exercise. Doesn't make me a bad person. I left my ex in the end. Much happier now and incidentally have had 3 relationships and plenty of 'interest' since my break up with men who seem to love my curves.
Either accept him as he is OP or set him free.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 20:11

@PandaLady

You have posted about this before I recognise the situation and the disparaging manner in which you speak about your husband as though he is your man servant. Not me.

He sounds he is comfort eating to fill the void created by the fact he is married to a woman who thinks he is beneath her. Not true he put on the weight before I ever mentioned it, he is very happy with the relationship which makes it even harder!

You are the problem. I suspect if you left he would be able to loose the weight and start to value himself enough to want to be good to himself and eat healthy foods. No chance at all, but I would be pleased if he did.

You would be happier too.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/05/2021 20:12

What do you love about him? What are his good qualities?

Is his physical attractiveness and issues around your perception of him as lazy affecting your love for him overall?

ThursdayWeld · 20/05/2021 20:14

You'll have a tough time on this thread, OP. Being fat is sacred.

Someone is drinking too much? Loads of support in trying to get them to cut down!

Ditto smoking.

Someone is eating themselves into and beyond obesity? LOVE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE!!!

seeingdots · 20/05/2021 20:14

@tiredanddangerous

Making someone feel like shit doesn't make them lose weight op.

He deserves to be with someone who loves him for who he is, not what he looks like.

Totally this.

It is up to you who you want to be with but it's not his job to live his life according to the standards you apply to yourself.

ThursdayWeld · 20/05/2021 20:14

And I speak as someone who is currently trying to lose two stone, for my health and self respect!

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 20:16

The thing is whenever I bring it up even in the slightest he gets all huffy about it and it creates an atmosphere, maybe I'm a cow or maybe he does this to stop be bringing it up. I dont know but it it did need to be talked about.

If he had an issue with me I'd want to know about it.

There is lots I love about him, he is kind, caring, loyal and a great sense of humour. Other than this we get along very well and click together.

@Macaroni46 I'm pleased for you.

OP posts:
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 20:19

@ThursdayWeld Yeah I knew I was going to get a bashing but it is so important I got to but up with it as there is good advice.

I agree with you and good luck :)

OP posts:
PieElla · 20/05/2021 20:20

Are you the poster who posts about the fat greedy husband constantly?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 20/05/2021 20:20

@ThursdayWeld

You'll have a tough time on this thread, OP. Being fat is sacred.

Someone is drinking too much? Loads of support in trying to get them to cut down!

Ditto smoking.

Someone is eating themselves into and beyond obesity? LOVE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE!!!

It's not. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Same with 'March him to the GP'. He's an adult. She is, too. She's allowed to leave the relationship if it does not suit but you can't force someone to behave in a way you see fit.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 20/05/2021 20:21

@tiredanddangerous

Making someone feel like shit doesn't make them lose weight op.

He deserves to be with someone who loves him for who he is, not what he looks like.

This
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 20:23

@PieElla nope not me.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/05/2021 20:27

@xnowayout

The thing is whenever I bring it up even in the slightest he gets all huffy about it and it creates an atmosphere, maybe I'm a cow or maybe he does this to stop be bringing it up. I dont know but it it did need to be talked about.

If he had an issue with me I'd want to know about it.

There is lots I love about him, he is kind, caring, loyal and a great sense of humour. Other than this we get along very well and click together.

@Macaroni46 I'm pleased for you.

So, your choices are to love him and support him - including telling him that whilst you wish he’d lose weight for health reasons you understand it is difficult and then shutting up until he brings it up - or to leave.

There’s really no middle option. In the case of smoking it is the same. In the case of alcohol or drug addiction it is the same but the argument to leave is much more pressing because of the other destructive consequences (financially, emotional abuse etc) that can go alongside.

You cannot change someone else. You can only provide a supportive atmosphere for change.

I know it’s hard, I wish my DH would lose weight. But his good qualities outweigh his weight issues.

You are causing the bad atmosphere by bringing it up.

Giantrooster · 20/05/2021 20:30

Ahh ffs the greedy husband threads Hmm, I though i usually spotted them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2021 20:30

How would you feel if you did break up? Would you miss him? Or would you be happy to stop feeling irritated and resentful?

Gymsmile21 · 20/05/2021 20:31

My partner is the same height and weight, it’s not muscle, it’s fat. Add to this long hair and a beard due to lock down.....well you can just imagine it can’t you!

I feel for you, you obviously love him as you have been with him for years but weight and fitness is important to you and it’s now a problem.

I wouldn’t leave for it but maybe that’s because I’m not too fussed about my partners weight. (His fucking beard on the other hand!)

Sakurami · 20/05/2021 20:32

6ft and 95kilos isn't that overweight for a man I don't think . You need to chill out op or leave him. Jeez.

MamaWeasel · 20/05/2021 20:32

It sounds to me like your dh has developed disordered eating. Hiding food, eating in secret etc. If so, he needs help, and support, not criticism.

Leave him if you want to, make up your own mind, but please stop the criticising and issuing of ultimatum..

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 20:32

I would miss him but I can't help the way I feel about it as much as I've tried.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 20/05/2021 20:33

Doesn't matter what way you spin it OP, you will be accused of fat shaming when actually it's perfectly fine to feel attraction fading for someone that's changed so much i.e weight gain. The greedy husband that people are mentioning as they think it's you, lots of people said they would be repulsed if their normal built DHs put on over 5 stone.

Only he can do this, so if the sexual attraction is a deal breaker then you need to own your threat of leaving.