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Original poster

Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

317 replies

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:19

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

OP posts:
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 21:58

Maybe it is too much to ask Sad

OP posts:
Jcre · 20/05/2021 21:59

I wonder if a little role reversal might help with perspective. If he were on here talking about you the way you are talking about him there's only one thing the people on here would be saying.

LTB.

idontlikealdi · 20/05/2021 22:00

[quote xnowayout]@EssexLioness before the bs claims I said he is OVER 15st not 15st.[/quote]
Jesus I'm 14.5 stone, 5ft7, fittest I've ever been in my life and a size 14-16 dependent on vanity sizing.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:01

@Jcre if he said to me your getting a bit tubby and I was then I'd do something about it and tbh I'd be grateful he pointed it out to me. I wouldn't be annoyed for pointing it out, but I guess people are different.

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 20/05/2021 22:02

It might not be a deal breaker for some, but it is for you op and that's what counts here.

You have given him an ultimatum of sorts, twice now. He's chosen, his body his choice. It's a bit like giving up smoking, you can't do it unless you really want to, not for someone else, but for yourself.

Slipperfairy · 20/05/2021 22:03

And he'll tell me he can still fit into a 34imch waist trouser- but only if he fastens it under his stomach. I just don't think men see it, whereas women grow up with it.

I'm also not convinced by women apparently having to put weight on after pregnancies.

But anyone who gives a shit about weight on mn must have an eating disorder or be a terrible person, with nothing but their sculpted collar bones going for them.

Jcre · 20/05/2021 22:03

[quote xnowayout]@Jcre if he said to me your getting a bit tubby and I was then I'd do something about it and tbh I'd be grateful he pointed it out to me. I wouldn't be annoyed for pointing it out, but I guess people are different.[/quote]
The point is if he did comment on your weight like that, they'd all be telling you to tell him to fuck off.

Doomsdayisstillcoming · 20/05/2021 22:04

It really isn’t.

Just because the rest of the country doesn’t give a shit about their appearance and, more importantly, the consequences of their overeating on publicly funded services such as the NHS, doesn’t mean they are right and you are wrong.

MadButterflyLady · 20/05/2021 22:06

@xnowayout

OverTheRubicon. I don't think wanting my partner to be a healthy weight is so much to ask, is it?

I'm annoyed about the lies, why didnt he say years ago he doesn't want to lose weigh rather than string it out.

Maybe he wanted too and couldn't. If it was as simple as decide you want to lose weight and suddenly whatever reason you gained weight would go away there'd be a lot less overweight people.

Maybe he stress eats, I do. I was overweight for nearly 10 years, couldn't even lose it for my wedding and I wanted to do much. I'd have been crushed if DH focused on my weight this way. I lost it all before TTC. Then 3 years ago I began putting it on again, it's a response to stress and pain for me. Neural pathways form that link food eating to emotions. Eating helps briefly, with my pain and anxiety. So I eat and tell myself I'll start dealing with it tomorrow, keep putting it off, not because I don't want to lose weight but because my coping mechanism is eating. It used to be running before I got sick and never recovered as a teen.

Staying and expecting him to change isn't doing either of you any favours. Maybe he will get the support or motivation to lose weight or he won't. If you can't accept him as he is then you shouldn't be with him. Either options going to cause hurt now, staying when he knows you don't accept him as he is or you leaving. You need to be honest with yourself, if you're going to keep judging his choices for his body then all you are doing by being together is hurting both of you. It's hard to lose weight when you're feeling judged like that. That would make me stress eat.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 20/05/2021 22:11

Give him the present of the Divorce Diet.

Six months and he'll be slim, fit and just in the perfect place for somebody nicer to snap him up.

TortoiseShed · 20/05/2021 22:12

@xnowayout

Maybe it is too much to ask Sad
It doesn't matter what we think! Weight really matters to you and you don't want to be with a man who is overweight. You have to be honest with him op, even if it doesn't sound very nice. Maybe he'll say "fine, let's split then" or maybe he will say he will do whatever to lose the weight and stay together. If you don't tell him these are your precise criteria for staying married, you are removing his choice, which isn't fair. Would I have the same criteria? No, as a matter of fact, I wouldn't. But it isn't my marriage.
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:13

@NeverDropYourMoonCup could happen but you'd have to wonder why you wouldn't do it before Confused

and I am nice thank you

OP posts:
Elephanttrunk · 20/05/2021 22:13

Leave him, he could do so much better.

Livingmybestlifenow · 20/05/2021 22:14

I left mine...there were other issues as well but it all started with him not caring enough to keep himself healthy. The weight gain led to awful snoring, I ended up on the sofa 5 nights out of 7 and seriously sleep deprived, sex stopped (4 years!) and the cheeky sod complained that I’d stopped making an effort, because he once came across unshaven (like 2 day stubble) legs.
I am much, much, much happier now!

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:14

@TortoiseShed Thank you

OP posts:
NoFashion · 20/05/2021 22:18

Bloody hell. Imagine if this was reversed!

Poor man. Do him a favour and leave.

Notashandyta · 20/05/2021 22:18

Bloody hell.

What happens if you pop out a couple of kids and put on 3 stone? Get a thyroid problem later in life? Putting on weight can happen to us all.

If it's not weight, it will be your partner getting hairier/ wrinkles/ more forgetful etc etc as he gets older.

You may as well come to terms now that you're in for a lonely old age as no-one will stay in prime physical condition as they get older, least of all you.

Over 15 stone at 6ft isn't terrible

Doomsdayisstillcoming · 20/05/2021 22:20

@Notashandyta

Bloody hell.

What happens if you pop out a couple of kids and put on 3 stone? Get a thyroid problem later in life? Putting on weight can happen to us all.

If it's not weight, it will be your partner getting hairier/ wrinkles/ more forgetful etc etc as he gets older.

You may as well come to terms now that you're in for a lonely old age as no-one will stay in prime physical condition as they get older, least of all you.

Over 15 stone at 6ft isn't terrible

Exactly. The guy has popped out 3 kids, does all the childcare, cooks and cleans for this woman, and this is her response!

Disgusting. Poor poor man. He’s only 15 stone too! Basically prime Dad-bod. HOT!

BooksChocolateAndSleep · 20/05/2021 22:21

Wow!

Ok I'm a fellow fatty (5ft 6 and 14 stone). My husband tried the "tough love" approach, talking to me about my health and offering me gym memberships and personal trainers but none of that worked. What he didn't do was tell me that he was "saddened" by how I looked or make noises about leaving me because I was too fat for him, that would have sent me running to the fridge! He said he loved me whatever size but he was just trying to be helpful because he knew I was unhappy.

Eventually we agreed to just not discuss it and carried on with our lives but that space gave me time to sort my own head out and without making a big fanfare I started exercising and eating better, he noticed but didn't say much unless I brought it up. It's working and I'm 4 weeks in and a good few pounds lighter, I have off days and he doesn't judge he just leaves it alone.

You really seem to dislike him and you clearly don't find him attractive anymore so maybe you need to call it a day. Badgering him won't work though it will make him feel shut about himself.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:23

I'm not expecting my partner to defy the aging process only to put some effort into losing weight and not be obese. There is a difference.

OP posts:
FoxgloveBee · 20/05/2021 22:24

Some people seem offended by your post but it could just be the way things are being read. I don't think you've said anything wrong and if you don't find obesity attractive, that's okay.

The fact is that even if someone is confident, happy and carefree being obese, it is not good for your body to carry all of that extra weight.

To be honest he doesn't sound that overweight but it depends where he is carrying it.

If he doesn't want to lose weight and you don't find him attractive when he is obese, don't be with him and allow both of you to find other people.

(I am speaking as someone who gained just over 42lb in the last couple of years, am losing it and am still overweight but 20lb left to lose. I couldn't stand to see myself in the mirror until recently.)

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 20/05/2021 22:24

[quote xnowayout]@NeverDropYourMoonCup could happen but you'd have to wonder why you wouldn't do it before Confused

and I am nice thank you[/quote]
You're bullying him about his weight. Which is not nice, it's abusive - and probably making it worse in the process.

You might like to think that he should be grateful you wanted him, but quite clearly, he's realised a chocolate bar and a portion of chips makes him feel happier than you do. As a lot of people subject to controlling or abusive partners who put demands upon their appearance finally get to the point of doing. Take away the constant criticism and the weight generally magically melts away once they aren't subjected to that toxic atmosphere anymore.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 22:25

@BooksChocolateAndSleep again i dont badger him.

OP posts:
Newmum29 · 20/05/2021 22:25

That weight is pretty normal... not something I’d worry about health wise but assuming he has a lot of belly fat or no muscle tone whatsoever? My dad is 6.4 and 15 stone and very normal looking. You’re also very slim yourself which may be skewing things. I’m your height and a stone heavier but comfortably fit a size 10.

Doomsdayisstillcoming · 20/05/2021 22:27

@Newmum29

That weight is pretty normal... not something I’d worry about health wise but assuming he has a lot of belly fat or no muscle tone whatsoever? My dad is 6.4 and 15 stone and very normal looking. You’re also very slim yourself which may be skewing things. I’m your height and a stone heavier but comfortably fit a size 10.
Is your Dad in his mid thirties?