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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

317 replies

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:19

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

OP posts:

AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 20/05/2021 19:49

@xnowayout

Do kindness, empathy, understanding, acceptance and unconditional love feature in your idea of "the best person that I can be"? I presume when you say that you mean "the most attractive I can be"?

I think you need to leave him. If you no longer find him physically attractive and don't love him unconditionally then there may be no reason to stay.

TirisfalPumpkin · 20/05/2021 19:50

Like with a lot of things - if he wanted to, he would. He knows what's at stake, and he hasn't either addressed his weight problem or said 'actually, I like being a bit fat and I'm happy this way, we can part ways if that's a problem'.

And yeah, you don't have to be a gym bunny, but keeping your weight at a sensible level is basic self-care and IMO is (or should be) part of being your best self. Sneaking food and lying isn't attractive. I think tbh you two would be better off apart, the respect has gone.

Original poster

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:50

It isn't all about attractiveness but lets not forget a 30 bmi is not just overweight but obese.

OP posts:

Original poster

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:52

I need to add I may come across harsh here but IRL it isn't the case and perhaps that's also part of the problem.

OP posts:

PlainJaneSuperbrainthe2nd · 20/05/2021 19:54

If he is hiding food in the car it sounds like his eating is disordered and therefore it will be extremely hard for him to lose weight. If he restricts/diets it will probably lead to binging and more weight gain. He probably feels intense shame. Threatening to leave has very probably made those feelings worse and led to further comfort eating.

Brokensharted · 20/05/2021 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2021 19:54

How long have you been together? You’ve been asking him to lose weight for a decade, has he always been this size as an adult and/or since you’ve known him?

He’s happy enough as he is or he’d change. You sound really unhappy so just leave, it’s been long enough. After ten years nothing will change unless he has to or decides he wants to. Feeling shame from your disapproval isn’t doing anything positive, I doubt leaving him will change him. Because it’s his body and he doesn’t have a reason to change his lifestyle. I can see how it must hurt for you to feel your concerns aren’t enough of a reason but that’s the way it is.

Love isn’t always enough. A relationship needs mutual respect, appreciation, attraction, common goals to thrive and you’re two different people.

Kitfish · 20/05/2021 19:55

I think you should leave. He deserves to be with a better (and less shallow) person than you.

Seriously - little to yourself. "My husband is too fat so I'm going to leave him". If a man sais this about a woman he woul dbe (rightly) crucified. Why do you think this is OK? Your attitude is shameful.

Kitfish · 20/05/2021 19:55

*listen to yourself

Original poster

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:55

Brokensharted, I never said morbidly obese, just obese.

OP posts:

CombatBarbie · 20/05/2021 19:56

Are you sure he's 6ft and 15st.... My husband is 5'10 and 15.5st, he's more a rugby player build, has big thighs etc but is in a physically demanding job.

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2021 19:57

How long have you been together?

Polkadots2021 · 20/05/2021 19:59

I think some posters are missing the point - it's not the way he looks per se, but values...he can't be bothered to look after himself & prioritise his health and that's probably diametrically opposed to how you approach life. The fact that you feel like he doesn't make an effort for you is killing the romance, and so on. It's become a fundamental mismatch in compatibility.

One thing I could suggest is buying bodyfat analysis scales and showing him that way how unhealthy he is, & that it's becoming a deal-breaker for you that he's now playing russian roulette with his health.

You could also say he's a terrible snorer & fat loss is the only thing that will stop it but you might end up in different beds permanent if not.

Last suggestion is to book you both up for a big challenge like a marathon and train together.

I think also you need to be honest with him about how it's affecting your relationship. I think you both could be very happy again. I personally agree with you completely - life is precious and sleepwalking into obesity & major health issues is a frustrating & upsetting thing to see.

CliftonGreenYork · 20/05/2021 19:59

I do wonder if you were a man and posted about your fat wife needing to loose weight - there would be an outcry. I am sorry to be blunt but I think you need to take a look at yourself.

Giantrooster · 20/05/2021 19:59

I'm sorry OP, your dp might need to loose weight, but for his mental health i think his best option should be to loose the 9,5 stone that is you.

If his not best self and overweight is a deal breaker then break up. Surely he is much more than this, if you are a fitness buff and only look at superficial qualities, I think he is better off without you.

ThursdayWeld · 20/05/2021 20:00

How old are you both? How long have you been together? Do you have children?

It sounds like the weight issue is a symptom of the different directions you are going in. Are there other issues for you as well?

pissface · 20/05/2021 20:01

Personally I think you sound a bit of a cow 🤷🏻‍♀️

osbertthesyrianhamster · 20/05/2021 20:01

Just stop. Or let him go.

Original poster

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 20:01

We've been together 13 years, he was slim when we met but put on the weight within 3 years.

I think thats true we just have a difference of opinion here and it's not going to be overcome.

@Kitfish It is hard to write it in a nice and much easier when speaking in real life, I dont think I'm shameful and I don't think a man should be crucified either.

OP posts:

tropicalwaterdiver · 20/05/2021 20:01

OP, is he addicted to sugar? Or does he live all kind of food? Can he go on keto?
I would worry about develolment type 2 diabetes if I were him.

wizzywig · 20/05/2021 20:01

I work in a criminal justice agency. We also try to get people to not recommit offences. But they still do, because they want to. We can get them housing, register them with gp's, drug and alcohol test them, put in exclusion zones etc etc. But some still won't listen. Because they don't want to. Even when they know they could end up in prison. Basically, being healthy or however you are going about showing your husband a 'better way', he doesn't want to listen

Dementedswan · 20/05/2021 20:03

6ft and 15 stone? He's not massive

PandaLady · 20/05/2021 20:03

You have posted about this before I recognise the situation and the disparaging manner in which you speak about your husband as though he is your man servant.

He sounds he is comfort eating to fill the void created by the fact he is married to a woman who thinks he is beneath her.

You are the problem. I suspect if you left he would be able to loose the weight and start to value himself enough to want to be good to himself and eat healthy foods.

You would be happier too.

litterbird · 20/05/2021 20:04

I get where you are coming from OP. If he continues then his snoring will get worse, his health will get worse, maybe diabetes will set in too. You are absolutely right to encourage him to get to a lesser weight, his health will decline, your mental health will decline when you cant sleep due to his snoring (been there, seen it, got the t shirt). Its all very well when people say you must love them as they are. He will become a health risk soon if not already. If he is hiding food then he will need proper help. Sadly, if you have already approached this several times and he does nothing really to improve his health long term then you have to accept that he just isn't interested in being slim and healthy. My good friends son is in his late 40s and is in and out of hospital due to the problems associated with his weight. You have a choice to get him to a doctor for his snoring just in case its something more serious then tackle the weight issue at the same time with proper support.

Original poster

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 20:04

@Polkadots2021 You've nailed it there. He does need to look after himself. It isn't just about looks, I push myself physically and think I'm in great shape where as he can't run 10 meters.

OP posts:

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