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Original poster

Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

317 replies

xnowayout · 20/05/2021 19:19

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 20/05/2021 21:20

You would be doing your husband a favour if you left him

He would possibly lose weight from the stress and hopefully find happiness with someone who loves him for who he is

Hopefully that won't be too bitter a pill for you to swallow

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 21:21

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor Again, he isnt stressed and is very happy. If we broke up I'd love for him to find someone who makes him happy. Why wouldn't I want that?

OP posts:
buckeejit · 20/05/2021 21:22

Crikey. If this is the worst thing you have to say about him, you're pretty lucky.

If you want to leave him over this, is it more because you feel saddened at his size due to health or that you aren't attracted to him? What would happen if he or you had a health condition that caused weight gain?

Full disclosure, I'm obese, over 15 stone & also fairly healthy with a bit of weekend bingeing. Losing weight is really hard & if my dh was nagging me about it, I don't think that would help.

Does he look obese to you or to others? Is what others think of him a concern of yours? Have you children?

I think you should speak to someone to find out if there's another root cause of your concern here or if this is really something that you'd want to end your marriage over.

ListenLinda · 20/05/2021 21:25

My DH is 6ft 2 and has stayed arpund 15st for the last 18 months. He isn’t fat. He doesn’t look anywhere near fat. Okay so he isnt the size he was when we first started going out but is anyone? I get the trying to eat better and exercise OP, but is this really a leave him scenario after 13 years?

Doomsdayisstillcoming · 20/05/2021 21:27

Damn. He doesn’t sound like he offers much.

I’d consider leaving if he doesn’t start treating you better.

Food addiction is like any other addiction. It can be beaten.

Lbnc2021 · 20/05/2021 21:33

My exhusband was successful in trying to get me to lose weight. He wore me down so much and nagged on and on so much I left him. So that was the first 15stone gone. Then without someone constantly nipping at my head I decided off my own back to join the gym. I am now a successful bodybuilder, personal trainer and nutritionist and my exhusband is still a miserable control freak.

Novelusername · 20/05/2021 21:34

I don't really understand the vitriol you're getting on here, OP. You're not obliged to find an obese man attractive, that's incel thinking, that women owe 'nice guys' sex. A lot of men (and women) put on weight when they're in relationships and in their 30s - well, in the UK anyway. I think they think once they have a woman at home for sex on tap then they shouldn't have to make an effort any more. That's fine if you both enjoy overeating and not exercising and that's the kind of lifestyle you both want, but it sounds like it isn't. I think you should speak to a counsellor to help you decide whether you want to leave or not. To be honest though, it doesn't sound like it's just about the weight, but what's behind it, and I think the relationship has probably run its course.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 20/05/2021 21:35

[quote xnowayout]@MrJollyLivesNextDoor Again, he isnt stressed and is very happy. If we broke up I'd love for him to find someone who makes him happy. Why wouldn't I want that?[/quote]

He isn't stressed and is happy - now

That may well change if you leave him.

You don't seem to care at all about him or your relationship. Just do him a favour and let him find someone decent

lolitalola · 20/05/2021 21:36

Are you serious? You would leave your partner for not losing weight.
He sounds better off without you.
If this was a man talking about his wife their would uproar.
I would never leave my partner for getting fat. I love them for who they are.

Aprilx · 20/05/2021 21:38

@ThursdayWeld

You'll have a tough time on this thread, OP. Being fat is sacred.

Someone is drinking too much? Loads of support in trying to get them to cut down!

Ditto smoking.

Someone is eating themselves into and beyond obesity? LOVE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE!!!

She is getting a tough time because she is shallow. If a woman posted about her husband constantly going on about her needing to lose weight it would be a resounding LTB. And I don’t know what drinking threads you have read, but I don’t think I have ever read one where the consensus is not to leave immediately.
TortoiseShed · 20/05/2021 21:41

Well, trying to look at it objectively, and not getting into whether or not I agree with you op, the thing is, this is a deal breaker for you. It sounds as if you've told him that and he hasn't listened really.

What we think doesn't matter. It's a deal-breaker for you. He knows this I'm guessing? He didn't object to this being a deal-breaker for you or tell you "fine, fuck off" or whatever. So he accepted your terms of you will and he hasn't lived up to his end of the bargain.

Sounds so cold put that way, but...whatever people on here say to you or how much they disagree with you or chastise you, that doesn't change your 'red line'. Most people have their deal-breakers in relationships. This is yours, rightly or wrongly.

So, in brief, I think the relationship is dead in the water. I think you need to talk to him as you keep saying he's happy, so he needs it pointed out that it might be the end. I think he probably thought you didn't mean it, as it is a slightly unusual thing to feel so strongly about I think? Well, maybe not, but I know a good few men who are big, tall and bulky. Must weigh more than your DH (at a guess) and they have beautiful partners who adore them and don't seem to be put off by the weight. So I don't think it's expected that people would care this much about weight which isn't an extraordinary weight to be for his height iyswim. So I wonder he thought you were exaggerating when you said you'd separate over his weight. I think you need to be clear that it's over or that it will be if he can't lose weight. Did you tell him that before? I'm amazed he didn't either leave if he found that outrageous or do everything possible to lose weight if he found your terms reasonable.

Novelusername · 20/05/2021 21:44

If a woman posted about her husband constantly going on about her needing to lose weight it would be a resounding LTB.
It's usually different with women putting on weight, because it's a result of pregnancy and then having a lack of time to exercise whilst the husband is doing FA to help.

Insertnameherenana · 20/05/2021 21:45

I had the same concerns and discussions but nothing really changed until he thought he had a chance of a affair with my sister.He then made a tremendous effort and let slip that he wanted to get” match fit” .
We are now separating and selling the house.

Geppili · 20/05/2021 21:46

He has an eating disorder and needs psychological support, not empty threats and moral judgement from you.

Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 21:46

I'm really not shallow. Is it too much to ask for your partner to be a healthy weight?

OP posts:
Doomsdayisstillcoming · 20/05/2021 21:47

@Aprilx

It’s not really comparable though is it?

A women may be overweight through no fault of her own, ie child birth, having to look after children more, generally having more her on plate.

The only thing on this guy’s plate is a fry up he shouldn’t be eating.

FiveNightsAtMummys · 20/05/2021 21:49

Do you think you need to work on yourself first op. Being in a "healthy" bmi doesn't mean your being the best person you can be. It does really sound like you have issues with food and fitness, which is fine if it isn't effecting yourself or other people. However it sounds like it's effecting not only you but your partner if he has to hide food from you to eat in secret.

Doomsdayisstillcoming · 20/05/2021 21:50

This is probably the only way she could get him to lose weight.

Catfish him.

Doomsdayisstillcoming · 20/05/2021 21:51

@Doomsdayisstillcoming

This is probably the only way she could get him to lose weight.

Catfish him.

Sorry that was @Insertnameherenana
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 21:52

I didn't directly tell him I would leave but I told him how strongly I felt about it and that it was a deal breaker for me.

I don't nag him about it.

OP posts:
Slipperfairy · 20/05/2021 21:52

I think it's hard, when you look after yourself and your dh doesn't. Dh is borderline diabetic and has the middle aged man pregnant belly going on. He thinks he's 'doing alright' and that there are 'people fatter than me' out there. He will eat salad, but pile on dressing. He will make healthy food, but loads of it then roll his eyes when I tell him his portion sizes are too big. I try to use 'we' instead of 'you', but it's incredibly frustrating. Especially as I know he would go off me if I was fat. Suppose its slightly different, as my dh is also a hypocrite.

TortoiseShed · 20/05/2021 21:53

@xnowayout

I'm really not shallow. Is it too much to ask for your partner to be a healthy weight?
Oh don't ask that op.

You obviously don't care about the answer and why should you? You won't change everyone's mind on here any more than they will change yours. Let's face it, more adults in this country are overweight or obese than otherwise. Then there is underweight, which makes the % of healthy weight adults even smaller. So if everyone felt that their partner had to be a healthy weight, most people would become single.

It doesn't matter what anyone on here thinks. If you made it clear that this is your deal-breaker and he didn't find that outrageous, and he's still happy being with you and the wrong weight for your standards, well...that's confusing. Unless it wasn't clear that it was lose weight or divorce. Was it clear?

TortoiseShed · 20/05/2021 21:55

@xnowayout

I didn't directly tell him I would leave but I told him how strongly I felt about it and that it was a deal breaker for me.

I don't nag him about it.

X post - you need to make it clear. It won't sound nice. It isn't especially nice! But it's YOUR marriage and your deal breaker.
Original poster
xnowayout · 20/05/2021 21:55

@Slipperfairy very similar here, I had the X is fatter than me and the huge portion sizes.

OP posts:
CatalinaCasesolver · 20/05/2021 21:56

If he is happy then who are you to ask him to change?

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