Given up trying to get DH to lose weight

[xnowayout]

Evening,

I know I'm going to get a load of stick for this..

I've been trying to get DH to lose weight for the best part of 10 years, he agrees he could do with losing weight and says he wants to but he wouldn't call himself fat. Personally I would (not to his face) as he is nearing a bmi of 30.

I was nice about it, very helpful and accommodating, I cooked only good food and limited our takeaways and unhealthy foods. We went for walks, I went to the gym with him etc. Which is what he seemed to want, but I think it was just a show as I've found him sneaking food. It annoys me he lied about it especially when I'm putting in so much effort to help him.

About 3 years ago I told him something needed to change as I was seriously not happy about it, he lost a couple of pounds (not much) then put it all back on in no time.

Then about a year ago I had another serious conversation with him and told him it needed to change and if it didn't we couldn't continue to be together. I said I wasn't going to mention it to him ever again.

Needless to say nothing changed and I feel hurt by this, what would mumsnet do in my situation? I'm not happy and it's not fair on anyone being in an unhappy relationship.

Has anyone actually had any success in getting their partner to lose weight? Do I leave without telling him why? It would be devastating to him to say sorry your too fat, l think.

@gannett

“Being overweight is not about values and it's so toxic to equate weight with morality in this way.”

I wasn’t implying that someone’s weight is a moral value, it was the lack of self-control and greediness that the OP interprets as him “shitting all over their marriage” that I was referring to. OP’s values are apparently being fit and healthy and wanting you and your partner to be the best versions of who they can be. It appears that the OP values that over his kindness, political views or whatever.

It seems to me that weight is the red herring here and that it’s the meaning that OP places on it that is the issue, ie if he loved me he’d be willing to do this for me.

Of course it may simply be that the OP feels they can’t just say on here that now he’s fat I don’t fancy him, in which case it’s naff all to do with health concerns and it’s simply that the OP values physical attraction over everything else! You or I may value things like compassion and kindness far more than someone’s ability to maintain a BMI below 25 than the OP does. Values are specific to the individual, we might not like the values someone holds eg being thin and healthy is essential or you should always be truthful even if a white lie would be kinder, but they are still entitled to have them.

Whatever the reason, this sounds like a relationship that is doomed to fail unless at least one of the parties is willing to make changes to save it.

Off for some cheese and chips now...

To everyone giving the OP a hard time - her husband is unfit & obese. Clinically he is now more at risk of heart disease, diabetes, erectile dysfunction, cancer, high blood pressure & a lot more. That's a bad thing. She needs him to change because that fact is clearly alarming. That's just common sense. She would be remiss NOT to address it.

Evolutionarily we are hardwired to be attracted to mates who are healthy. She can love him but lose all sexual attraction to him if he has become extremely unfit because that is a natural innate instinct. Crucifying her for that is ridiculous.

Finally, they have different values when it comes to self care, respect for health, exercise, everything else. She's clearly tried hard for years to sensitively address this and is at the end of the line, quite understandably.

The man is treating his health very poorly and it might eventually kill him. That's how serious this is.

For those defending the OP, lasting change can only come from within. If her husband doesn't truly want to lose weight, there's nothing she or anyone else can do about it. Maybe nagging him about it is having the opposite effect... does anyone ever go on a diet to stop being nagged? No.

My dh is morbidly obese. Ive tried to be supportive.
Cooked low fat meals.
Batch cooked so he could take portions with him to work.
Cooked low carb (had initial success with that one) about 10 years after I first suggested it and 2 days after his dickhead uncle told him.
Hes been referred by gp to some motivation healthy eating type service.
Offered sex everytime he loses an inch.
Currently seeing a dietician.
Currently measuring steps. Again something I suggested years ago but for some reason wasnt good enough.

I'm fucking done being supportive. He cant get life insurance. He complains about lack of sex but I dont find him attractive and its really uncomfortable for me with the size he is. He smells different. He got stuck in a water slide this weekend.

I love him dearly and it kills me to see him like this. He gets treated poorly by professionals. Im not leaving him but I cant remember when we last had sex.

Why is it so difficult for some people to get that for some of us, overweight men are not attractive? No one cares that I don't find blonde men attractive. Sexual attraction is, by definition, discriminatory. Dh does not find overweight women attractive. I don't keep myself slim for him, but because I like the way I look that way. I am not attracted to overweight men and I'm guessing neither is op.

If you love someone but don't fancy them, then that's not a relationship, is it? It's a friendship.

So if you marry someone it’s on the basis that they must ensure their appearance remains attractive to you?

@WouldBeGood

So if you marry someone it’s on the basis that they must ensure their appearance remains attractive to you?

No you just need to make sure that you get ugly together, at the same time... simultaneously

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale
that sounds really grim for you, and him being stuck in the water slide seems like a metaphor for you being stuck in the marriage, trapped by the bond and the guilt and he just seems to be daring you to see how much you'll put up with🤷‍♀️
Feeling like you have to to bribe him with offers of sex when you don't find him remotely attractive feeling like you have to lower yourself to do things you find repulsive just because he can't find it in himself to control his food intake ....it just seems so messed up 😳

He indulges himself with food and drink at every opportunity yet expects you to hold your nose and shut your eyes and be intimate with someone that you find repulsive, it's like the worst excesses of Rome he wants his bacchanalian delights and you a mere serving girl

I have just checked the BM1 index and 15st at 6ft is not even the half way mark to overweight which means he is a bit overweight but not huge amounts. However 9.5st is boarder line underweight (Skinny).
You lose just 3 pounds and you would be considered underweight. I often see the so called models that are 5ft9/5ft10 and 9/9.5 stone, with no curves and ribs showing. Personally I would rather be a little overweight and healthy rather than underweight and tired all the time for lack of energy. I use to be 10stone at 5ft10 and it did me no good. Now I am 12st and gues what apparently I am just in the green.

I don't really understand the posts about saying what will you do when they get old, I wouldn't lose attraction to someone because they are getting old.

@madcatman

Well you are talking complete rubbish, overweight isn't healthy and I'm not underweight my BMI is just over 20. I don't have any ribs showing thank you very much and I'm not "skinny" either. I'm in the healthy range.

15st and 6ft is a BMI of 28.4 and is classed as overweigh, he is near 16st and is on or in the obese category.

But hey lets not let facts get in the way eh

@Slipperfairy

Why is it so difficult for some people to get that for some of us, overweight men are not attractive? No one cares that I don't find blonde men attractive. Sexual attraction is, by definition, discriminatory. Dh does not find overweight women attractive. I don't keep myself slim for him, but because I like the way I look that way. I am not attracted to overweight men and I'm guessing neither is op.

If you love someone but don't fancy them, then that's not a relationship, is it? It's a friendship.

You just can't ever have any kind of discussion on here about weight. It's so frustrating.

In real life, most people wouldn't want their partner to put on a few stone and would probably rather be told if they have so they have to incentive to do something about it. Some people genuinely don't see they are fat and have put on weight. You see it all the time on here "I'm only a size 16" or "I just love food and my DH has to just love me as I am" etc.

I'm not attracted to an overweight man and there are plenty of men not attracted to overweight women. It is so wong to say that? No.

Ok have it your way.

What are you planning to do then @xnowayout?

You say your husband is shitting on your relationship but how? All he is doing is pleasing himself and doing what he enjoys. You could argue that your relationship would be healthier if you would lighten up and show him the love and respect that you expect in a relationship and get off his back. This isn’t about shitting on your relationship - this is having different views and being incompatible.

You feel that he is ruining your relationship by not eating right, keeping himself sexy for you, thinking about living a long life and doing everything by the book. Yet he may feel that life is for living (and living too much) and that you’re ruining the relationship by being so miserable and preachy.

You said before that it would be wrong to leave without explaining your issues but you’ve done that now and he cannot or isn’t willing to match your ideals. So now you’ve done him the courtesy of explaining the issues and had him hiding to eat his food, are you going to continue poking him with this stick or accept his choice and find someone else?

To almost be offering someone an ultimatum about losing weight to keep their partner is wrong. If he loses weight, he does it for himself. If he doesn’t and you want to leave then leave but to tell anyone that you will leave unless he complies with x,y,z is controlling and manipulative - regardless of whether you think this is done for his benefit or not. He’s a grown man so let him live his life and you live yours - separately!

Well I thought I’d update the thread, back in May 21 I spoke to DH about it and how much of a dealbreaker it was for me. He admitted he was obese and needed to do something about it, over the next couple of months he lost a stone which was super positive.

Sadly after that the over eating continued and he gained 1.5st, putting him at his heaviest ever. He did lose a few lbs but then over Christmas put that back on and a couple more.

I think I’ve come to the conclusion most people don’t change. Yesterday I told him we couldn’t go on as we have two completely different outlooks on life.

Im sorry this didn't work out for you Op. An awful lot of people are overweight now, and looking at the posts on your thread people really hate people mentioning someone's weight and take the line that you should love someone regardless. Unfortunately, you can't help what you find attractive and if your sex life starts to die a death then a whole relationship can go down the drain.

Ironically, he will probably lose weight now to attract a new model. Happens all the time.

Sorry to hear OP I don’t agree with the consensus that you need to love/find your romantic partner attractive if they put on/loose loads of weight. You can love and care for someone without finding them attractive but i do find when the attraction goes the end is nigh.

Sorry to hear this OP however completely expected isn’t it? On a positive note, imagine how exciting it is going to be to start dating men who don’t have boobs! (yes sadly speaking from experience here)

I thought what you were saying all along is that you both have very different values in how you perceive responsibility for your own health. He is quite passive, as in will take insulin when he develops diabetes, but not alter his diet , have a heart bypass when his arteries pack up, but not alter his diet or exercise. You on the other hand are proactive, you can see the consequences of not looking after yourself and do the requisite actions to promote your health, as in keeping to a healthy weight, eating a good diet and taking exercise. I can see why it would be difficult to live with someone who had such a different values to your own in such an important area.
I’m sorry your marriage is coming to an end, must be very difficult when you so obviously love him and want the best for him.💐

I don’t agree with the consensus that you need to love/find your romantic partner attractive if they put on/loose loads of weight. You can love and care for someone without finding them attractive but i do find when the attraction goes the end is nigh

Agreed @lastqueenofscotland. We can't help what we find sexually attractive and what we don't. Also, if one half of a partnership takes their health seriously (is proactive about ageing well) and the other doesn't (makes unhealthy choices and expects the NHS to pick up the pieces when it all goes tits up) then there's also personality incompatibility.

I also agree with @Nightday, that if you leave him he may well find the motivation to slim down to attract a new partner. Too many men pile on the kgs once they have their feet under the table in a commited relationship, like they "have their woman" and no longer need to make an effort about looking attractive.

Sorry you’re in this position OP.
My dh was overweight 8 years ago. Ironically he had always judged people who let themselves go. He was ultimately unhappy at work and fortunately was able to take early retirement. Within months he was running again and is now slim and fit.
I recently saw a video of him playing with our dgs from that period and he looks as if he’s wearing a fat suit. Even I hadn’t realised how much bigger he was although I’d asked him to cut down as he was an over eater.

I wouldn’t normally recommend this but if things really are at the point of breaking down try videoing him and showing him what he really looks like. My dh was embarrassed when he saw himself as he was 8 years ago.

@CandidaAlbicans2

Common of both sexes that.

It’s a shame it happens because the first couple of years are the best. Couples who continue to make an effort for each other and still want to retain that spark will have better more satisfying relationships. A married couple I know do this. They have kids but both watch their weight, are well groomed and turned out and both work 4 days a week so they can basically go for breakfast or lunch on their day off and then basically spend all afternoon in bed. Sounds perfect to me but they really embrace the importance of maintaining that connection. So many couples don’t and it leads to sad endings like this one or mediocre relationships that revolve totally around kids.

Was his slimness when you met him only recent? He sounds a compulsive overeater. He obviously can change this as he has before but being slim is less important to him than eating what he wants. I wouldn't be happy with an obese sexual partner. I also wouldn't want to continually nag someone about their weight. If a man chooses lots of cake and sausages over sharing my bed that's his choice.