AIBU for wanting silence during piano lessons

[SassenachWitch]

I’m not brave enough for AIBU, and I see it as a relationship problem also.

My 13 year old DD, has piano lessons via zoom on Tuesday afternoons, the only place for her to set up properly is the dining room. There’s usually only her and older sister home (who stays in her room) during this lesson, but my P has changed jobs and is now home during her lesson. I’ve asked him to keep the noise down as even with the doors closed, we can hear the teacher speaking so no doubt she can hear us.

So tonight I was home first and P walked in 5 minutes before her lesson ended, he was speaking loud and clattering around the kitchen, I asked him to lower his voice and it’s ended in a massive row.

How he can’t even talk in his own house and I’m being ridiculous to expect quiet and he doesn’t care if the teacher can hear us talking. He also stormed off upstairs saying he’d stay in his room out of the way!

Its not just about the teacher hearing, DD is practicing for an exam so needs to concentrate.
She’s now upset because she heard our disagreement and is saying she won’t have her lessons anymore.

For me, this is just another example of his selfishness.

He’s forgetting that during the 2 x 50 minute interviews he’s had via zoom, I kept everyone, including the cat out of earshot!!

You are definitely not being unreasonable at all. I totally agree with you. Your P probably got the hump about his perceived telling off but surely in the cold light of day he will realise he was wrong. Poor DD getting caught up in it. Stand your ground but don't allow yourself to get drawn in to further argument.

Also is your P your DD's dad?

He sounds like a dick who dislikes being told anything. Of course he needs to be quiet while the lessons are going on. How difficult is it to keep his voice down and chill out elsewhere until they finish?

@FunTimes2020 no he isn’t her Dad, we’ve been together 10 years, but no kids together.
And he won’t realise anything in the cold light of day, in a decade he’s never admitted fault.

@cansu apparently household noise is to be expected during zoom calls.

I wish I’d known that when I was creeping around during his interviews.

He’s so selfish. This is just one of many!!

He's an arse!

@Lan2020 agreed!!

An arse who now won’t speak to anyone for 3 days!!

He sounds horrible. What does he actually bring to your life?

Nothing, nothing at all!! But he won’t leave!!

The silent treatment for days like that is a form of abusive behaviour.

I know. He’s been doing it for years.

I really would like him vanish into thin air.

He’s a waste of space. Pays his 50% share of the bills but does nothing else. Oops sorry, he mows the lawns 8 times a year 🙄

Do you want to end the relationship? What barriers are preventing you from doing that?

I cant be doing with sulkers. I would absolutely ignore him, watch what I like on the tv, cook for me and the kids, or deliberately go out for a maccies and don't get him one. Yes its massively childish, but then so is he!

Get rid, simple. I knew, even before you confirmed it, that he wasn't her dad because a dad wouldn't behave like that. That's horrible for your daughter. Maybe she could take a break (just whilst you get rid of him) and then go back to it. Not that she should but I would pick my battles and the first one would be to get rid of him!

I have been tutoring on Zoom since March 2020. Trust me, background noise is v distracting and noise seems to be amplified. It is really hard to communicate with kids/ teens on Zoom when there is general family noise, chit chat, washing up going on in the background.

But this isn't why you are posting. Why is he still there?

And he won’t realise anything in the cold light of day, in a decade he’s never admitted fault.

^^ THAT is the main problem. Trying to have a relationship with a brick wall is very damaging.

He sounds awful. Does he have any legal right to stay? Or is he using your home as cheap board and lodging?

Your poor children, having to put up with him.

Oh god get him out. Life is too short for this. Your daughter has only a short amount of time left before she leaves home and what are you teaching her about relationships!

Are you feeding him? Washing his clothes? Having sex with him? He clearly is a net negative in your lives you need to be serious about getting rid of him.

I feel bad for your daughter that this man has been in her life for basically all of her formative years. That’s the model she has for the type of man her mum accepts.

Is the house in both names? I could not live with a sucker, it’s so childish. He sounds like a selfish arse.

Of course you’re not unreasonable, he sounds Godawful

@SassenachWitch

Nothing, nothing at all!! But he won’t leave!!

Well take a legal route to get him out then. Or do you want your daughter to seek out the same sort of relationship when she is older because she knows nothing else?

One hour once a week, known about in advance. Totally reasonable to expect silence.

If you want him to leave, seek legal advice.