AIBU for wanting silence during piano lessons

[SassenachWitch]

I’m not brave enough for AIBU, and I see it as a relationship problem also.

My 13 year old DD, has piano lessons via zoom on Tuesday afternoons, the only place for her to set up properly is the dining room. There’s usually only her and older sister home (who stays in her room) during this lesson, but my P has changed jobs and is now home during her lesson. I’ve asked him to keep the noise down as even with the doors closed, we can hear the teacher speaking so no doubt she can hear us.

So tonight I was home first and P walked in 5 minutes before her lesson ended, he was speaking loud and clattering around the kitchen, I asked him to lower his voice and it’s ended in a massive row.

How he can’t even talk in his own house and I’m being ridiculous to expect quiet and he doesn’t care if the teacher can hear us talking. He also stormed off upstairs saying he’d stay in his room out of the way!

Its not just about the teacher hearing, DD is practicing for an exam so needs to concentrate.
She’s now upset because she heard our disagreement and is saying she won’t have her lessons anymore.

For me, this is just another example of his selfishness.

He’s forgetting that during the 2 x 50 minute interviews he’s had via zoom, I kept everyone, including the cat out of earshot!!

You could speak to the letting agents about renewing in your sole name? Tell them the relationship is emotionally abusive and can they help you by doing it on the quiet?

He’s gone. It’s over.

Ooh well done op, how did it go ? X

A great update to read, OP. Hope you are okay. Well done x

Well done 🥳

I am really really upset, but also really annoyed with myself for being sad, and shocked. I thought I’d be ok.

Oh thank fuck for that OP - you have done so brilliantly, he sounds like an absolute bully.

As someone who grew up in a shouty / tense house, I cannot tell you the relief your children will feel in the next month or so as you settle into a routine without him in your lives.

You'll wake up in a week or so when the initial adrenaline has worn off and feel proud, relieved and empowered. I promise

Thank god.
Every time you find yourself sad, think of his poisonous effect on the house.

Piano lessons here for 16 years 🙄🙄 and we have plenty of room.
Everything is very quiet around that room 7.15-7.45....

Well done for finally getting him out.

I would gently suggest you look for family therapy when you can.

It would be so beneficial to process what ye have been through and put it behind you all.

When I threw my exh out I cried solid for 3 weeks. Then the black cloud lifted and joy swept in!!
Well done op...
There truly is life after a twat.

Be kind to yourself ending any relationship involves grief for what you thought it would be.

Glad to read that he has now left.

You should consider enrolling on the Freedom Programme going forward. Billy1966’s suggestion of family therapy is a good idea for both you and your daughter.

@SassenachWitch

He’s gone. It’s over.

Good job.

Order yourself a takeaway and put your feet up.

And congratulations!

Well done. Give yourself time. It's a big change.

I’m going out to get pissed, which is probably a really bad idea given how I feel, but I can’t sit in this house alone.

You're upset because you are now grieving- grieving for the time wasted on him, grieving for the future you thought you had, grieving over your life for the last 10 years but also I expect crying due to the relief.

You will also be in shock, cry as much as you need to, eat loads of chocolate then look after yourself and treat yourself kindly.
Whatever you do, do not text him.

Ring the estate agents on Monday to get a new tenancy in your name...there are legal implications to consider though.

Also remember if its a joint tenancy he has rights to return so double lock all the doors so he can't get in.

Good luck with recovering from living with a narcissist. Enrol on the freedom programme and also get counselling, you need to address why you put up with him for so long and develop healthy boundaries for the future.

Well done OP. Don’t get drunk. You can do without that. It’s time to move on. Bright future! Congratulations!

@SassenachWitch

I’m going out to get pissed, which is probably a really bad idea given how I feel, but I can’t sit in this house alone.

This is going to sound so dickish of me but please have a friend with you who agrees to stop you getting TOO pissed. You may be tempted to contact him (either with sad messages or angry ones) and will feel horrendous tomorrow if you go overboard. Beer fear / post booze anxiety is a real thing and it's a fucker when you're already grieving something, I wish I had a friend to stop me doing that before instead of encouraging me to neck endless prosecco until I was sick then hated myself the next day 😬

@SassenachWitch

I’m going out to get pissed, which is probably a really bad idea given how I feel, but I can’t sit in this house alone.

Can you have a mate over to get house tipsy with rather than being out and pissed? Be careful, I know that's boring to say - just looking out for you as I've been there!

I know it’s not a good idea, but I can’t sit alone.

The kids are with their dad and I’m sure if they were here, we’d have a lovely evening, but they’re not and being alone I’m more likely to message him.

He’s taken our “joint” bank account card, when I say joint I mean the account in his name only, that half of my money is in!!

@SassenachWitch

I know it’s not a good idea, but I can’t sit alone.

The kids are with their dad and I’m sure if they were here, we’d have a lovely evening, but they’re not and being alone I’m more likely to message him.

He’s taken our “joint” bank account card, when I say joint I mean the account in his name only, that half of my money is in!!

Can you not have over whoever you'd be going out with?

No, I’m going down to my sisters local, I did invite her round but she’d already made plans, so I’m joining them.

Enjoy your evening.

Why the heck have you never had your own bank account?
How much of your money is in there?
In an ideal world you would have got your money out before you made him leave.
You will have to forego this money unless you can prove it is his.

@SassenachWitch

No, I’m going down to my sisters local, I did invite her round but she’d already made plans, so I’m joining them.

Ah that's good I'm sure your sister will look out for you. I know we sound like bores it's just I've done the break up boozefest many a time and always regretted having that bit too much and waking up feeling horrific the next day

@SortingItOut I do have my own bank account. This is an account we pay our half of the bills too. I’m more concerned that he’ll mess around with the bill payments.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I appreciate the concern, it’s actually nice to think someone might be concerned about me. I feel quite lonely right now, so it’s good to know that someone’s thought about me if only for a moment.