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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU for wanting silence during piano lessons

184 replies

SassenachWitch · 18/05/2021 17:35

I’m not brave enough for AIBU, and I see it as a relationship problem also.

My 13 year old DD, has piano lessons via zoom on Tuesday afternoons, the only place for her to set up properly is the dining room. There’s usually only her and older sister home (who stays in her room) during this lesson, but my P has changed jobs and is now home during her lesson. I’ve asked him to keep the noise down as even with the doors closed, we can hear the teacher speaking so no doubt she can hear us.

So tonight I was home first and P walked in 5 minutes before her lesson ended, he was speaking loud and clattering around the kitchen, I asked him to lower his voice and it’s ended in a massive row.

How he can’t even talk in his own house and I’m being ridiculous to expect quiet and he doesn’t care if the teacher can hear us talking. He also stormed off upstairs saying he’d stay in his room out of the way!

Its not just about the teacher hearing, DD is practicing for an exam so needs to concentrate.
She’s now upset because she heard our disagreement and is saying she won’t have her lessons anymore.

For me, this is just another example of his selfishness.

He’s forgetting that during the 2 x 50 minute interviews he’s had via zoom, I kept everyone, including the cat out of earshot!!

OP posts:
Original poster
SassenachWitch · 25/05/2021 11:18

Tenancy is a joint one. Not sure who is lead? His name is first on the paperwork though if I remember correctly. I can’t check as he’s taken it with him!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/05/2021 11:49

@SassenachWitch

Tenancy is a joint one. Not sure who is lead? His name is first on the paperwork though if I remember correctly. I can’t check as he’s taken it with him!
I think as your work are good (I think that's what you said) that you need to take this week off as emergency leave and get as much information together as possible - copies of paperwork he has taken (hound LL, estate agent etc for these), call womens aid for advice, call 101. Stop worrying about whether or not things meet the threshold of you needing help (eg you asking if 101 will be interested) and just make the call and they'll tell you if they can help or not.

Channel your anger into playing smart now - everyone said he would turn nasty quickly and that leaving him alone in the house was a bad idea. This isn't an I told you so - I promise, just a reminder that many people on here have been where you are now and wish they had the advice of people who had been through the same.

They always turn nasty. They always do whatever it takes to get a step ahead of you.

You need to take the week off and catch up Thanks

giletrouge · 25/05/2021 11:57

Agree with youvegottenminuteslynn
You really need to treat this as an emergency OP.
And yes please phone Women's Aid for specific advice - they are the experts here. Hope you're ok and we are rooting for you you know! Flowers

GentlemanJay · 25/05/2021 12:04

I'm a music teacher that teaches on zoom. In any lesson environment you need calm and quiet.

I once went to the home of an adult pupil for the first time to give a lesson. He left the television on in the same room. I obviously asked him to turn it off. Lol.

altforvarmt · 25/05/2021 12:06

@GentlemanJay

I'm a music teacher that teaches on zoom. In any lesson environment you need calm and quiet.

I once went to the home of an adult pupil for the first time to give a lesson. He left the television on in the same room. I obviously asked him to turn it off. Lol.

This thread was started a week ago, and the conversation has moved on quite significantly. It's always worthwhile reading at least the OP's posts (the filter function is useful) before responding.
Original poster
SassenachWitch · 25/05/2021 13:48

Right, so I googled women’s aid and spoke to a local branch. Lady was lovely, took all my details, and is calling me back later to do a risk assessment. She said not to worry too much about losing my home, length of tenancy, payment history, proof of my earnings etc will all go in my favour for keeping the tenancy in my name.

Something strange has happened health wise, for 15 months I’ve been suffering with all over body aches, really painful feet and hands, with swelling, X-rays etc found nothing, since I made the decision to end things last week I haven’t been in anywhere near as much pain, I’ve gone from taking the maximum dose of paracetamol & ibuprofen, to taking 2 a day at most, none at all today in fact.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/05/2021 13:55

Well done!

Great news with your health, all that anxiety and stress clearly adding to it Thanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/05/2021 13:59

WELL DONE!!

Remember also you could use this thread to now write down what's happened since telling him it's over in chronological order, maybe bullet pointed, so you have it to hand when they do the risk assessment.

That means you won't forget stuff and can give them as much info as possible in the correct order.

You're doing really well Thanks

Original poster
SassenachWitch · 25/05/2021 14:01

I feel like I’ve been sucker punched!

I’m ashamed of myself, how could I have left myself so vulnerable?

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 25/05/2021 14:28

@Aprilwasverywet

Shame if he was electrocuted cutting the grass.. Always an alibi for a new patio here op... Sounds like post lockdown is a good reason for a new start. Without the millstone..
Don’t put him under the patio. You can never get the flagstones to sit quite right again. Bury him under a rockery of rare and endangered plant species. It’s very difficult to get permission to dig them up. I’ve heard.
AlmostSummer21 · 25/05/2021 14:48

What happened between 13:48 & 14:01?

It's like two different people?

AlmostSummer21 · 25/05/2021 14:52

Don't be ashamed, just learn from it!!

He's really done a number on you, but you CAN recover from this!!

Have the kids been home yet?

Now, you need to pull yourself together and get things sorted to get the most out of your conversation with women's Aid!!

💐

sashh · 25/05/2021 15:09

Well done OP things can only get better now.

Original poster
SassenachWitch · 25/05/2021 15:10

I just feel ashamed that I’ve been such a fool, writing down the financial side of things has shown me that I really have left myself wide open to this.

He has had control of everything to do with the house and my car, I figured it was him being my Prince Charming, even when his true colours started to show.

The kids are home, they don’t seem massively affected by it yet.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/05/2021 15:23

Be kind to yourself.

This is who he is, very devious etc. He's worked hard to stay in control for so long.

Thanks
MilkchopsMcgee · 25/05/2021 17:01

I don't think this has been said yet, but can you do a factory reset on the doorbell? That should kick him out of it and then you can reset it so only you have permisssions

Newestname001 · 25/05/2021 17:36

Make sure you change ALL passwords NOW, OP. Banking, email, social media, Sky or similar, your internet router, etc. don't delay.

You need to get off the back foot as quickly as possible. Turn your anger into swift action to protect yourself and your children. 🌹

Original poster
SassenachWitch · 26/05/2021 10:27

Feeling deflated today.

Ex still has things in the house, how do I go about him collecting them? I don’t want to see him but I don’t trust him in the house without supervision.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/05/2021 10:39

Box them up for now.

If you know where he is staying drop them off. If not would someone store them for you?

Herecomesspring1 · 26/05/2021 11:10

@SassenachWitch

Feeling deflated today.

Ex still has things in the house, how do I go about him collecting them? I don’t want to see him but I don’t trust him in the house without supervision.

Hi @SassenachWitchss - could you collect up all of his belongings and drop them off to a family member or friend of his?
Original poster
SassenachWitch · 26/05/2021 11:23

It’s not things that can be boxed really, it’s gym equipment, bike, junk from the loft etc

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/05/2021 13:03

@SassenachWitch

It’s not things that can be boxed really, it’s gym equipment, bike, junk from the loft etc
Do you have a friend or family member who can be there at a prearranged time for him to pick his things up?

I hate that I have to suggest this but preferably a male friend or family member as he is less likely then to kick off or antagonise you as he then maybe won't be the biggest / strongest person in the room.

Again I hate to suggest that as it feels anti feminist almost but it's a reality I suppose. My ex kicked off until my brother was there and then he quickly fucked off, muttering rather than shouting!

Original poster
SassenachWitch · 26/05/2021 14:23

He won’t kick off as in shouting or aggressive, he’s not violent towards me.

I’m not sure I trust myself, I’m torn between wanting answers, why has he treated me the way he has, or me being the one who loses my temper because of the way I’ve been treated.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/05/2021 14:48

@SassenachWitch

He won’t kick off as in shouting or aggressive, he’s not violent towards me.

I’m not sure I trust myself, I’m torn between wanting answers, why has he treated me the way he has, or me being the one who loses my temper because of the way I’ve been treated.

But (and I say this gently) you presumably also didn't think he would come to the flat, take all the paperwork about the place and delete the footage? Did you?

You need to stop thinking of him as a basically decent, predictable guy.

Assume the worst, prepare for the worst, just in case. Not saying he'll attack you physically. But he's very unlikely to be reasonable or fair.

He took all the paperwork! Deleted the footage! He's horrible!!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/05/2021 14:50

I’m not sure I trust myself, I’m torn between wanting answers, why has he treated me the way he has, or me being the one who loses my temper because of the way I’ve been treated.

Another good reason to have someone there with you, it will help you regulate your own behaviour as well as regulating his. We are all less likely to lose our shit with an ex when a third party is present because it's embarrassing and awkward.