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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting silence during piano lessons

184 replies

SassenachWitch · 18/05/2021 17:35

I’m not brave enough for AIBU, and I see it as a relationship problem also.

My 13 year old DD, has piano lessons via zoom on Tuesday afternoons, the only place for her to set up properly is the dining room. There’s usually only her and older sister home (who stays in her room) during this lesson, but my P has changed jobs and is now home during her lesson. I’ve asked him to keep the noise down as even with the doors closed, we can hear the teacher speaking so no doubt she can hear us.

So tonight I was home first and P walked in 5 minutes before her lesson ended, he was speaking loud and clattering around the kitchen, I asked him to lower his voice and it’s ended in a massive row.

How he can’t even talk in his own house and I’m being ridiculous to expect quiet and he doesn’t care if the teacher can hear us talking. He also stormed off upstairs saying he’d stay in his room out of the way!

Its not just about the teacher hearing, DD is practicing for an exam so needs to concentrate.
She’s now upset because she heard our disagreement and is saying she won’t have her lessons anymore.

For me, this is just another example of his selfishness.

He’s forgetting that during the 2 x 50 minute interviews he’s had via zoom, I kept everyone, including the cat out of earshot!!

OP posts:

BrilliantBetty · 18/05/2021 21:14

YANBU. He is selfish. I'm sorry for your dd. Her response seems like she is worrying/ walking on eggshells?

BrilliantBetty · 18/05/2021 21:16

What is your housing situation? Separate and divide property? Perhaps you need a consultation with a solicitor.

DariaMorgendorffer · 18/05/2021 22:10

YANBU he's being a dick

Aprilwasverywet · 18/05/2021 22:14

Shame if he was electrocuted cutting the grass..
Always an alibi for a new patio here op...
Sounds like post lockdown is a good reason for a new start.
Without the millstone..

RandomMess · 18/05/2021 22:38

"He won't leave"

Whose house is it?

pickingdaisies · 18/05/2021 22:44

I think your question should have been, How do I get rid of him?
If he won't leave, do you want advice on getting him out? If so, we need more details on your setup.

Bananalanacake · 19/05/2021 07:27

If you don't have dc together there's no point living with a man who doesn't treat you like he loves you every day. As others have asked who owns the house you live in.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/05/2021 07:45

Well this is obviously about more than piano lessons but my dc has zoom lessons at the moment too once a week and I make sure me and other dc are out of the room, doors shut and as quiet as possible for that 30 minutes. That's just common sense and courtesy, surely?

bigbaggyeyes · 19/05/2021 07:58

Selfish horrid man. Do you really want to share your life with this person?

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 19/05/2021 08:03

The silence during lessons is a non-issue, a symptom.

Get him out! He's spoiling precious time you could be enjoying with your DC.

PerveenMistry · 19/05/2021 08:10

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

Oh god get him out. Life is too short for this. Your daughter has only a short amount of time left before she leaves home and what are you teaching her about relationships!

God, yes. What is this lout doing to damage your children??

purpleparcel · 19/05/2021 08:44

My own dad used to do this but for my practise sessions. He refused to turn the tv down ever for when I practised. I had to practise through tv on volume 50+ and it was impossible. He also refused to get get an acoustic piano even though we could well afford it because my digital one could either be turned down or put through headphones so he didn't need to hear it and it wouldn't disturb his tv time and despite there being several spare rooms and other tvs according to him the piano had to be next to the tv.
At the time headphones all had wires on and try playing the piano with a wire in the way!!

As a teenager this sent the message I wasn't worth it, I wasn't worth turning the tv down for and it affected my self esteem amongst other things (and I doubt this is your dd only gripe with your dp) as an adult I have zero respect for my mum or dad because I don't believe you should treat your dc interests in this way. You're basically saying to your dd you can't give up 30 in the week for her interest.

Fwiw Im now a piano teacher after years of battling for practise sessions I was intent on winning this battle

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2021 08:50

Why are you making your children grow up in a house with a man you hate?

You're showing them through your actions (staying with him) this is what a normal relationship looks like.

The longer you stay with him, the more likely your daughter will replicate this relationship dynamic herself when she's an adult.

Are you comfortable with that?

Zzelda · 19/05/2021 09:11

Whose name is the house in?

Original poster

SassenachWitch · 19/05/2021 10:07

House is rented, joint tenancy.

I’ve been asking him to leave for over 6 months now.

I’m living with a textbook narcissist.

On the outside no one would believe the kind of person he is. It’s been hidden from everyone. Including my children to a point, the selfishness towards them started about 6 months ago, which is when I decided enough was enough. I share 50/50 custody of them with their dad, who is an amazing parent.
The kids haven’t really been around him much, with his working hours, the 50/50 split, and them having lots of activities etc but as a lot of that changed because of lockdown, this is when things ramped up. He’s never done anything directly to the kids but I’m not stupid enough to think they haven’t noticed.

Please try not to kick me too much as a parent, I know what I need to do, and I know where I’ve gone wrong. I’m really really struggling with my life at the moment, and believe me I know I’ve fucked up but would appreciate not being told that.

He’ll be gone by the weekend. I’ve spoken to a few people who are going to be supportive and help me get rid of him.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 19/05/2021 10:10

It sounds like this situation is the straw that breaks the camel's back and you're realising that his overall behaviour is out of order.

Have you got friends and family who can help you leave/prepare for him leaving?

Frymetothemoon · 19/05/2021 10:13

All the best for this weekend OP

RandomMess · 19/05/2021 10:13

Urgh if it's a joint tenancy how are you getting him out?

Pleas do not hesitate to call the police if he gets nasty.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2021 10:16

Call women's aid and ask them if they can point you in the right direction for legal advice re splitting with a joint tenancy. You can't just carry on like this because he's said no to leaving. That could last forever - you need to find out what your options are before this starts affecting your kids more.

LindaEllen · 19/05/2021 10:23

My god - in our house, we all know to be quiet when someone is on the phone having a normal conversation so if we walk into the room and see that someone is on the phone we shut up. And that's just the phone. Of course she needs quiet during a piano lesson! I assume they're an hour long at most. It's not exactly going to kill him just to keep his voice down, is it?

Could you maybe arrange to do something at this time, for example go and do the supermarket shopping so he's out of the house?

Original poster

SassenachWitch · 19/05/2021 11:19

Lessons are half an hour. And she only had 5 mins left of the lesson when he walked in, I asked for 5 mins quiet and he refused. I asked whether he could give me those 5 mins of quiet seeing as he supposedly loves me, whether he agrees or not, do it as a favour....again no! I refuse to argue in front of the kids, so he’s always got one up on me when they’re home as he knows I’ll play peacemaker.

He spent the night shut up in the living room, then came up to bed an hour after me and had left the house before I got up at 6, he doesn’t usually leave until 7.40.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2021 11:22

This isn't about the piano lessons anymore OP.

As I said, you need to disengage and call women's aid to ask about advice re joint tenancy and splitting up.

And grey rock him - asking him to do stuff 'if he loves you' is perpetuating him thinking this is a relationship you still want and that you don't really want him out.

Original poster

SassenachWitch · 19/05/2021 12:15

I’ll call women’s aid after work today, find out what my options are.

I’d much rather we stay in the house, he’s footloose & fancy free compared to me, plenty of savings, no kids, he could easily walk away. I’ve got the kids, less money and pets to think of. But if I have to go then I guess I will.

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/05/2021 12:32

Good luck

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2021 13:52

@SassenachWitch

I’ll call women’s aid after work today, find out what my options are.

Definitely try to stay in the house if it's at all possible, completely agree. It's their home and it's best for them to remain in a familiar environment if that's possible at all.

Hope your call with women's aid goes well

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