AIBU for wanting silence during piano lessons

[SassenachWitch]

I’m not brave enough for AIBU, and I see it as a relationship problem also.

My 13 year old DD, has piano lessons via zoom on Tuesday afternoons, the only place for her to set up properly is the dining room. There’s usually only her and older sister home (who stays in her room) during this lesson, but my P has changed jobs and is now home during her lesson. I’ve asked him to keep the noise down as even with the doors closed, we can hear the teacher speaking so no doubt she can hear us.

So tonight I was home first and P walked in 5 minutes before her lesson ended, he was speaking loud and clattering around the kitchen, I asked him to lower his voice and it’s ended in a massive row.

How he can’t even talk in his own house and I’m being ridiculous to expect quiet and he doesn’t care if the teacher can hear us talking. He also stormed off upstairs saying he’d stay in his room out of the way!

Its not just about the teacher hearing, DD is practicing for an exam so needs to concentrate.
She’s now upset because she heard our disagreement and is saying she won’t have her lessons anymore.

For me, this is just another example of his selfishness.

He’s forgetting that during the 2 x 50 minute interviews he’s had via zoom, I kept everyone, including the cat out of earshot!!

Please block him so your phone isn't pinging away.

It's designed to hook you back in.

Block or ignore or worse - send him a cheery 👍 and nothing else. This, I have on good authority (threads here) drives 'em mad.

Do you need to stay in contact if you don't have kids together?
If you don't I would block him.

The other option is to put his messages on 'no notification' then you can read them when you are ready rather than being on edge when your phone pings.
I know some people read them at the same time every day when they're mentally in a good place.

I did this with my ex husband in the end after he messaged far to often for my liking and with threats of suicide.

I’m just not ready to block him yet. And I guess we’ll need to talk at some point, as he still has things here that belong to him that he’ll want to collect.

Just tell him he can email you only.

No.
Arrange a collection time and date and leave them out for him to collect.

Are you clinging on to some hope that he's going to realise what he's done wrong and change for you?

Why aren't you ready to block him?

Why is having messages to trying to hoover you back in a good thing for you?

I know he won’t change for me, he’s had years to do that.

His messages don’t feel like he’s trying to pull me back though, it’s like he’s trying to prove he’s a bigger person, and a reasonable person. And it’s just making me angrier.

I didn’t get to say the things I wanted to, 10 years was ended in a 25 minute conversation and I feel robbed of something.

Write him an email but don't send it.

Please block him for your own sanity. He is doing that to put you in your place and it's working!

@RandomMess

Write him an email but don't send it.

Please block him for your own sanity. He is doing that to put you in your place and it's working!

Absolutely this, OP. Get the words out of your head onto paper/an email which doesn't get sent. Take it out and reread it whenever you need to keep things clear in your memory. And rebuild your boundaries strong and sure against him trying to draw you back. 🌹

What a selfish prick!

Any advice on how I can secure the house whilst I’m at work?

He’s taken a back door key, which he’s never kept on his set of keys before, I can leave another key in there to keep him out, but what about the front door?

I have a ring doorbell, but he still has access and deleted the footage of him moving out on Saturday.

Also, his mom & sister have keys to here.

I ordered another security camera last night, which should arrive today, but I’m leaving for work soon and the house will be empty until the kids get home from school.

You need to take some emergency time off work and get a locksmith in.

@Zzelda

You need to take some emergency time off work and get a locksmith in.

This.

The locks need to be changed.
You need some hours off work.

Can the barrels of the locks be changed?

Take the day off. Get the lock barrels changed.

If he's taken a back door key he previously did not have and deleted footage of him moving out I'd take that as evidence that he is definitely planning to try and get in while you're not there. Agree with other posters - this is an emergency you need emergency time off work to secure the place properly by changing all the locks, back door included. Tell work it's an emergency relationship breakdown situation and you need to make things safe for your children. Good luck OP. He may have just been verbally abusive in the past, that's no guarantee he can't become much worse now you've turfed him out. Potentially dangerous situation.

I agree - don’t underestimate how unreasonable and cruel he will be now that it’s over. You could well come home to all your stuff on the street.

Legally if he is on the tenancy I’m not sure you CAN bar him from the house. Stay home, change the locks have him removed from tenancy today.

@crosspelican

I agree - don’t underestimate how unreasonable and cruel he will be now that it’s over. You could well come home to all your stuff on the street.

Legally if he is on the tenancy I’m not sure you CAN bar him from the house. Stay home, change the locks have him removed from tenancy today.

Gosh yes it's worse than I thought, I just checked back on OP's posts and it's a joint tenancy. And I fear OP may have gone to work. Hope nothing bad happens today. OP really needs to take swift action on locks and tenancy. @SassenachWitch hope you are reading the last few posts and can take action.

Get the front door locks changed, it's not a problem for the tenancy as such.

The joint issue is what needs resolving.

If he rang the police it would be a civil matter.

I’m at work now.

I’ll just keep my eye on the doorbell, if he disarms it, I’ll get a notification, so as long as I’m on the ball with checking the live view I should be able to catch anyone there. Work are good and will let me leave suddenly if I need to get home.

I was trying to avoid changing the locks, I was hoping he’d be reasonable. Although, if he starts being a twat about this, at least it’s more evidence as to why this had to end, and it’ll make me get over him faster.

Also, I didn’t wanna change the locks in case it became a tit for tat.....I change them, he changes them, I change them and so on.

He’s started a new job, so I’m hoping he won’t be asking for time off on his 4th week.

But I do have a locksmith available after work tonight if needs be.

Sorry but if you change them and have the keys that's it. He can't get in so he can't change them. He no longer has access, keys, and once he's off the tenancy, rights. That's the whole point.
Tit for tat is literally impossible and not an option for him then.

@giletrouge can he not get a locksmith to break in? Seeing as he’s on the tenancy.

How do we move forward getting the bills into my name? Does he have to transfer them or can I call everyone and do it myself?

Can you get him off the tenancy ASAP?
Then change locks immediately.
That would be what I would do.
I'm going to tag a mumsnetter who I know is very very good on this stuff. I'd hate you to be leaving your place vulnerable after you've managed to get shot of him.
@Graphista - sorry to tag you but can you advise @SassenachWitch specifically on the ins and outs of lock-changing and whether her ousted ex could then change them back again - would a locksmith break in on his behalf if they thought he was still on tenancy? Thank you.