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Original poster

When does a friendship become an affair?

288 replies

misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 11:50

I have been married for nearly 18 years, 2 DC, lovely home, lifestyle, good and kind husband (!) etc etc. But he has a female friend he has known for much longer than me, on and off over many years, periods of not being in touch and I think they have had a physical relationship at some point in the distant past (not completely sure). In the past two years his contact with her has become more frequent, at least every other day, if not daily and he won't let me see the messages they send to each other. Occasionally he will lock the bathroom door and I can hear talking from him but nothing in reply. At what point is this friendship more than that? Is it already?

OP posts:
Hanab · 17/05/2021 11:51

It all ready is

mummyof4kids · 17/05/2021 11:54

Him not showing you the messages is a huge red flag. If this was innocent messaging then why hide them and lock himself in the bathroom.
Time to get tough and demand answers

Jcre · 17/05/2021 11:54

Agreed, it is already beyond friendship.

sunrayscome · 17/05/2021 11:58

This is more than a friendship ...he is in a relationship with her if he is talking to her every other day - sharing what he has has done - how her day is etc - whether it is just an emotional relationship or not he is investing time in her and being secretive about it - have you asked subtly if she has something going on in her life where she needs more support from him as a friend? Does she have a partner?

Sally872 · 17/05/2021 12:08

I wouldn't care about the technicalities of wether or not it is an affair. Otherwise he will just argue "it isn't an affair, it's not physical"

I would tell husband friend gets too much of his time and attention. You feel like she is more of a priority than you, and it is hurtful.

If he can't/won't change then you have to decide if you can continue in the marriage as it is or not.

ChangePart1 · 17/05/2021 12:25

Why don’t you know whether he has been physical with her in the past or not? That’s a pretty big part of the picture tbh. Shows where there is or has ever been attraction there.

If he is unwilling to show you the messages to put your mind at ease (if you’re not usually the sort to get jealous and want to examine messages) then I would proceed with the assumption that there are things he doesn’t want you to see. DH and I respect one another’s privacy and both see snooping or invading one another’s personal messages as something we wouldn’t do, but if one of us asked to see the other would allow it instantly because why wouldn’t you want to put your spouse’s mind at rest?

Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 12:35

Thank you for your replies. I have no problem with him having female friends. I have male friends and one in particular that I am close to and have been for many years. But we don't talk every day, maybe every week but not all the time. I'm not sure what it is about this one that makes me uncomfortable. I've never met her, know very little about her or her life. I think I will do what @sunrayscome suggests and ask about her. I have looked at her instagram page a few times and she is beautiful and seems to have her life sorted ( of course, I know that this isn't always the real story)

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Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 12:39

@ChangePart1 He has mentioned things that suggest they have been more than friends in the past but it's not something I've ever felt the need to ask before. We both have a past, we both have had other relationships etc. On the surface I would have said that she isn't his type - she's tall, blonde and beautiful in a scandi type way and his past girlfriends have all been brownhaired, short/petite, brown eyes and I'm the same albeit not quite as slim as I was when we first met.

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24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed · 17/05/2021 12:41

As soon as he’s got something to hide, clearly he has if he’s locking door and being secretive.

Fuck that, drop him on his ass and leave.

ChangePart1 · 17/05/2021 12:44

I think it would be perfectly appropriate to ask him what their history is tbh! I would want to know.

Even if they were always platonic that doesn’t mean they are now. But it seems strange you can’t just discuss all of this openly together. DH and I have plenty of friends male and female but I’d expect someone who is a close friend to eventually come into the other person’s orbit socially. Eventually you do tend to at least meet one another‘s close friends or talk about them.

Tal45 · 17/05/2021 12:45

My advice - trust your gut.

Tomyoneandonly · 17/05/2021 12:47

Yes you DH is haveing an affair. Proof is that he is not willing to show you messages. Also talking in the bathroom is a big sign. He sounds like my stbexp. I bet he is waiting until he feels the time is right to leave. Try your hardest to get yourself out of this situation before he damages you more emotionally. Because when it gets to far and you hear him regularly inthe bathroom it will effect your MH in such a bad way you might not see a way out. Get out now.

Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 12:53

@ChangePart1 she doesn't live anywhere near us and never has so there isn't really any chance that I would have met her. He used to speak about her now and then but hardly mentions her now. As far as I know they haven't seen each other for a few years. She was in our area briefly about 6 years ago and they had a drink together but he was only out for about an hour as she was with her family at the time and it was just a catch up as far as I was concerned and I had no need to join them as I had no suspicions that it was anything more than she was passing through and they met up briefly. She doesn't live close enough for them to meet for an afternoon or evening and anyway, we are both wfh right now and haven't really done anything that means we have been out of the house alone apart from shopping and exercise and then only for a maximum of two hours at a time. I can't put my finger on why it feels wrong all of a sudden (apart from the secrecy)

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MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/05/2021 13:01

One of the signs that someone is up to no good is “mentionitis” when they just casually drop the OW’s name into conversation a lot, as if to hide in plain sight. Another is that they stop talking about someone who used to be mentioned a lot! The fact that you’ve picked up on this might be what’s making you feel odd about it. Subconsciously you’ve noticed a shift in his attitude to her.

The bathroom chats and secret messages would be enough to make me question things tbh. If he’s talking to her in a way he doesn’t want you to see I’d want to know why.

Blankspace101 · 17/05/2021 13:04

Don’t be taken for a fool by him any longer.

ChangePart1 · 17/05/2021 13:14

When you say he ‘won’t let you see the messages’ how did that come about? What was the conversation, context, and his response?

Phoenix121 · 17/05/2021 13:16

When a friendship is kept secret from the spouse - I'd call that an affair.

sunrayscome · 17/05/2021 13:18

Pull him up on it and say "I have noticed you messaging your friend a lot lately - is she Ok ?" and wait for his reaction

Lovemusic33 · 17/05/2021 13:25

I have make friends that I have known for year, if I wanted to hook up with them I would have a long time ago. I talk to friends most days. I’m single so it’s a bit different, I would never hide anything if I was in a relationship. The fact he’s hiding away to talk to her and hiding messages does make him look guilty. If it’s making you uncomfortable then he shouldn’t be doing it. Would he mind if your were texting and calling your male friend several times a day?

For me ‘cheating’ is when your partner is acting in a way that he wouldn’t be happy for you to be acting.

LoudestCat14 · 17/05/2021 13:30

Sorry to ask this, but is it definitely her he's talking to and not someone else? He could be letting you think it's her because you might be less suspicious of him talking to someone you already know is a friend and that's why he won't let you see the messages.

nancywhitehead · 17/05/2021 13:32

The secrecy is the thing that is concerning.

Me and my DP both have friends of all genders/ sexualities and it's fine, but we are very open with each other.

If he was shutting himself in the bathroom to talk to someone and refusing to share anything about the friendship with me, I would be very concerned about why that was and what was going on.

When you're in a relationship you are allowed to have boundaries and agree expectations about how you both want to be in that relationship. If this is making you feel insecure then tell him. How he responds will inform your decision of what to do next.

nancywhitehead · 17/05/2021 13:35

I can't put my finger on why it feels wrong all of a sudden (apart from the secrecy)

The secrecy is enough though. Have you spoken to him directly about how you're feeling about all of this? If so, how does he respond?

Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 13:39

@ChangePart1 last week I asked him who was sending him so many messages and he said it was her. I said that she seemed to be in touch a lot and could I see what they were talking about because it felt 'off' to me. he said no and that they were just general chitchat with a friend. I pushed that and said that if that was the case then there was no reason for me not to see them. The other thing I have noticed is that he has changed the notification settings. he leaves his phone on the side and it used to come up with the message or part of it on the lock screen, last week that changed to her name and 'notification'. That partly prompted me to ask but I haven't really paid attention to the messages before now as I didn't think I needed to. I think I got that wrong, didn't I?

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Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 13:40

@loudestcat14 I don't know tbh. I suppose it's her and not someone else

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Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 13:43

@nancywhitehead I've asked him about her and said that I feel uncomfortable about it but he is adamant they are good friends.

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