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Original poster

When does a friendship become an affair?

288 replies

misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 11:50

I have been married for nearly 18 years, 2 DC, lovely home, lifestyle, good and kind husband (!) etc etc. But he has a female friend he has known for much longer than me, on and off over many years, periods of not being in touch and I think they have had a physical relationship at some point in the distant past (not completely sure). In the past two years his contact with her has become more frequent, at least every other day, if not daily and he won't let me see the messages they send to each other. Occasionally he will lock the bathroom door and I can hear talking from him but nothing in reply. At what point is this friendship more than that? Is it already?

OP posts:
SwimBaby · 19/05/2021 14:35

How are you, was you able to unlock his phone?
Thinking of you.

Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 19/05/2021 14:49

It's like he wanted me to find them, like he didn't have to tell me outright if I found out myself. his password is the same as always and no deleted messages, just hundreds of messages going back about 5 years. I've not read them all. In the beginning they are friendly, just catching up after a few years of not being in touch and nothing suspicious about them at all, nothing I would have been worried about anyway. Then a couple of years ago they began to get more personal, he seems to have started this, making references to things they did in the past. The latest messages are explicit and they have exchanged photos - I have seen more of her than I would have ever wanted to. There are video calls in his call lists too. There is no mention of me negatively as far as I can tell, he mentions me occasionally in conversation. They have talked about meeting up but it doesn't look like they have. I feel sick, dizzy, angry.

OP posts:
sunrayscome · 19/05/2021 14:58

OH No - deep breaths- this has just confirmed your gut instincts were right. Massive shock but you have proof and evidence now - I am sure he will make excuses and deny everything even though you have seen the evidence in black and white
Send her a message from his phone saying - 'just looking through the messages and photos you have sent to my husband '

Phoenix121 · 19/05/2021 15:04

So sorry to read the latest update.

If he mentions you occasionally and the references are not negative, it does sound like this is a physical attraction rather than a love affair.

Allwokedup · 19/05/2021 15:20

@misshavershamsweddingdress sorry op. What a bastard.

TheStirrer · 19/05/2021 15:22

Sending you a big hug. It does look like he wanted you to find them and he will probably blame you for snooping. Be strong and come back here for support whenever you need to Flowers

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/05/2021 15:28

Oh gosh how awful but at least now you know and can make your choices and decisions based on what you know he has done rather than suspicions. You won’t feel like it now, but you are in a position of power now that you have all the facts at your disposal, rather than being kept in the dark.

I don’t know how you get through this but know that we’re all here to support you whatever you decide Flowers

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/05/2021 15:30

@sunrayscome

OH No - deep breaths- this has just confirmed your gut instincts were right. Massive shock but you have proof and evidence now - I am sure he will make excuses and deny everything even though you have seen the evidence in black and white Send her a message from his phone saying - 'just looking through the messages and photos you have sent to my husband '
I think I’d be tempted to do this too. There’s no point in playing games or waiting to see who admits to what. You’ve seen enough to know that they’re not just friends so whatever you do from here has to be whatever makes you feel in control of this situation.
Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 19/05/2021 15:31

Thank you for your support. I'm still out, can't face going home yet. I've put her number into my phone. Not sure if I'll do anything with it yet. I need to gather myself a bit before seeing him. he'll be angry about the phone but that's the least of my worries.

OP posts:
Allwokedup · 19/05/2021 15:39

@misshavershamsweddingdress take evidence of the messages, before you give the phone back.

sunrayscome · 19/05/2021 15:39

Angry or not about taking his phone - he is your husband - you share a life together - he has been deceitful - you asked for answers and did not get any - it was affecting your mental health and functioning daily - you are a human being and needed answers x

toohardtopick · 19/05/2021 15:43

Just before you get home, start a group chat and send a message saying you've seen the messages and would like everyone involved to know that as there have been enough secrets up until now.

Send it just before you go back into your house, and hand him the phone with the notification on the screen.

Then take things from there.

marauder1994 · 19/05/2021 15:47

I am so sorry OP XX

wanadu2022 · 19/05/2021 15:48

Find your anger. He doesn't have a leg to stand on re: the phone since you gave him plenty of opportunities to tell you the truth, and to show the messages to you himself.

This is cheating. Don't let him gaslight you into believing that because they may not have touched, it isn't. Explicit photos and video calls you knew nothing about... I would confront him, explain that he has cheated as far as you're concerned. And see how he reacts. If he is remorseful and grovelling then maybe you can have a conversation. If he gets defensive and angry, I'm afraid the marriage is over.

Can you go stay with someone for a few days? Irrespective of whether you decide to leave or stay, get your ducks in a row - make some arrangements for financial security etc.

Really sorry about this. Cheating is grim anyway, but for him to do it so callously, in front of you (hiding in the bathroom!!), is another level of arsehole.

SwimBaby · 19/05/2021 15:48

Take photos of the messages or send them to yourself.

SwimBaby · 19/05/2021 15:51

I’d be tempted to send one of her explicit ones back to her.

sunrayscome · 19/05/2021 15:53

@SwimBaby
same - the OW needs to worry now - or be aware that she has ruined a marriage

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/05/2021 15:53

Agee you need to take photos - you can delete them from your camera roll afterwards but just so that he can’t deny it all and try to convince you you’re imaging things or that they weren’t that bad. Our memories are notoriously untrustworthy- especially in high stress shituations so he may well try to gaslight you into misremembering what was said and how. Flowers

bigbaggyeyes · 19/05/2021 15:54

I'm so sorry op. Do you have anyone you could go and stay with tonight and talk to whilst you get your thoughts in order?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/05/2021 15:54

*Imagining and situation Obvs, although shituation is quite an apt typo!!

Graphista · 19/05/2021 16:02

and he won't let me see the messages they send to each other.

This means it's an affair - emotional, possibly also physical. It's rare men will continue an emotional affair for long without it becoming physical but certainly secrets like this do not a healthy relationship make!

I've never met her

Why on Earth have you never met her? In 18 years of marriage and I'm guessing you've been together over 20 years?!

Sorry to ask this, but is it definitely her he's talking to and not someone else? He could be letting you think it's her because you might be less suspicious of him talking to someone you already know is a friend and that's why he won't let you see the messages

Also a real possibility - using her as an "alibi"

I would have always said that he isn't the type to do this to have an affair

That's what I and my exes family and close friends thought too...

Then he knocked up the ow and they're now married with 5 kids!

Screenshot the messages and send to your phone/tablet in case he deletes them.

I would also advise "ducks in a row" time - gather all legal and financial info and paperwork, get legal and financial advice and start getting organised for a potential split - even if you think you don't want to or that he won't leave you, you need to be prepared and it's a way to use your anxious energy in a constructive way.

Don't speak to him yet, wait until you're a bit calmer.

So sorry you're going through this op Thanks

Flossie44 · 19/05/2021 16:02

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. 😔💐

Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 19/05/2021 16:04

@markruffalocrumble shituation is about right! I'm going to use that from now on! I'm heading home now, I have photos of the worst messages and I'm going to confront him before the kids come home. Will update when I can.

OP posts:
Flossie44 · 19/05/2021 16:06

Stay strong. You have the upper hand right now, and soon enough he will know that!

Twinkie01 · 19/05/2021 16:14

Don't let him tell you he didn't realise it was cheating as they hadn't been physically intimate. This is the usual shit they come out with. The fact that he didn't do this in plain sight tells you he knew exactly what it was. If you can't share it with your wife you shouldn't be doing it.

Take photos, especially of the more pornographic messages as he will likely delete them.

Keep your head. It scares them. Tell him to pack a bag and move out. You need space and time to sort this out in your head and having them begging and pleading around you doesn't help.

Do not share with anyone else but your v close family or a friend. If you decide to stay together it's hard for your friends/family to forgive someone who has behaved so appallingly (DH did this but not for long and no sexual content but he will forever be known as His Royal Cuntiness amongst my friends).