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Original poster

When does a friendship become an affair?

288 replies

misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 11:50

I have been married for nearly 18 years, 2 DC, lovely home, lifestyle, good and kind husband (!) etc etc. But he has a female friend he has known for much longer than me, on and off over many years, periods of not being in touch and I think they have had a physical relationship at some point in the distant past (not completely sure). In the past two years his contact with her has become more frequent, at least every other day, if not daily and he won't let me see the messages they send to each other. Occasionally he will lock the bathroom door and I can hear talking from him but nothing in reply. At what point is this friendship more than that? Is it already?

OP posts:
Houseofvelour · 24/05/2021 18:36

I hope you're ok OP. He really is a turd.

Meandmyhamsterheadagain · 24/05/2021 22:36

So sorry you are going through this. I've no words of wisdom or of experience, but I'm sending you strength you need to get through this

Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 25/05/2021 14:04

I just wanted to hop on and say thank you for all of your kind words and advice. I'm going to take a little break from this thread for a few days, sort my head out a bit. I'm certain I know what I'm going to do now and I have to get some things sorted practically but the support and kindness I have experienced here has really helped.

OP posts:
TotorosCatBus · 25/05/2021 14:10

ThanksThanks
Good luck OP.
ThanksThanksThanks

SwimBaby · 25/05/2021 14:11

All the best, were all thinking of you x

Anotheruser02 · 25/05/2021 15:00
Flowers
leopardandspots · 25/05/2021 15:24

Sending you all the strength and support you need to get things sorted. 💐

You are great and his behaviour is beyond shabby and dishonourable.

TheStirrer · 25/05/2021 15:24

Flowers Hope you get the space you need and the support in real life. X

JackieQueen · 25/05/2021 16:08

Sending you strength for the future, op, hope things work out well for you Flowers

Planesmistakenforstars · 29/05/2021 16:33

All the best OP. Hope you are doing well Flowers

Snowbeau · 01/06/2021 23:20

Hi OP, I read your post when you first posted it and was so hoping it would turn out innocently.
Just posting to say I hope you're ok

Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 08/06/2021 13:08

Hello again. The past couple of weeks have been hell - I have asked him to leave, he doesn't want to and is still insisting that the messages were just friends and a fantasy he would never act on, that he is 'supporting' her through a difficult time and that she provides support for him too. I doubt that he has seen her actually but of course, can't be 100% sure. He is with his brother at the moment, just down the road and is coming over most days, doing the school run etc. I know that it's over for me but he won't accept it, won't see it as an affair, won't acknowledge the damage he has done. So I'm busy getting things together, have an appointment with a solicitor too and am feeling angry and sad, jealous of her and also ashamed that my marriage has come to this.

OP posts:
Anotheruser02 · 08/06/2021 13:21

Firstly you need to dump the shame, you did none of this and you have your head held high. Good luck with the solicitor.

Meandmyhamsterheadagain · 08/06/2021 13:22

Please don't feel ashamed, there is nothing on your part to feel ashamed of. You are such a strong person to be able to see this for what it is and for getting yourself in a position to be able to move away from the relationship.

lovedoris · 08/06/2021 14:23

OP - I’ve been a mumsnet lurker for 10 years or so. I don’t think I’ve ever posted, but I couldn’t not. I feel so, so sad for you. But I also think you are hugely inspiring. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. You should feel proud, of your instincts, your strength, your ability to address and confront this despite your own fears, your dignity and your certainty. Good luck and happy future OP, you really deserve that. Flowers

JackieQueen · 08/06/2021 15:25

You have nothing to feel shamed about misshaversham, it sounds like he he's not taking this seriously at all! Maybe when you get a solicitor involved he'll come to his senses and realise what he's going to lose. I'm so sorry you are going through this, you sound very strong and he doesn't deserve your loyalty.

wanadu2022 · 08/06/2021 18:33

You are incredibly strong. And have nothing to feel ashamed of - this is all his doing and sadly there isn't anything you could have done to prevent it. I completely understand the feeling jealous of OW BUT remember, he doesn't want all of her. He likes the attention and fantasy without any responsibility or accounts. The minute you leave him, the fantasy becomes too real and he will take distance from her too. She never had him. At least you had your good years, commitment and DC - all she's had are scraps of time. And soon she will bear the brunt of his frustration and anger when the divorce becomes a reality. Really he's been a selfish dick and hurt/ruined a whole bunch of lives, including his DC and that is 100% on him.

You will be ok. Good luck with the solicitor. Your strength at dealing with this so gracefully has been inspirational.

Californiansunsets · 08/06/2021 19:23

I had this exact same scenario with my ex. I had a gut feeling there was something going on with a work colleague, I had a problem with her, they were going away to work together but we’re going to spend time together outwith working hours whilst away. He told me she was just a good friend, I was being ridiculous blah blah blah…….yip they were having an affair.

I’m sending you massive hugs xx

leopardandspots · 08/06/2021 19:52

The past couple of weeks of disbelief, hurt and uncertainty and so many other emotions were always going to be hellish, but I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this.

You should be proud that you have asked him to leave and that two weeks in now, you are keeping on, holding things together and keeping on.

How can anyone insist that messages (including naked pictures etc) are normal things that friends exchange? But then based on my own (and others experience) it seems men often say things like that. It's like they genuinely believe it.

I remember one of the things that affected me was feeling stupid for my own loyalty and also feeling sort of inferior as I wasn't given an equal opportunity to have formed extra marital connections too. Not that I wanted to, but it's the feeling of inequality at not knowing that was going on.

goody2shooz · 08/06/2021 20:07

Yes, I’m sure these men exchanging sexual images, flirty chat and textual passion would be perfectly happy if their wife was doing the very same with a work colleague.... And ‘supporting’ a colleague?! That’s a new name for it 🤬

Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 09/06/2021 11:09

You've all made me a bit teary with your lovely messages (in a good way). I don't see myself as strong at all, I feel like I'm falling apart piece by piece as my marriage is dismantled by him. But the support here is tremendous. I do have support irl but this space is like a safety net of support. Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart. It really feels like women holding up women when the going gets tough.

OP posts:
Howzat2021 · 09/06/2021 11:36

@misshavershamsweddingdress You sound amazing and so strong, you may not feel it but to ask him to leave is so so tough.

I have recently found myself in a situation where a genuine friendship started moving into inappropriate territory, no meet ups but definitely not ok. We stopped it as realised it was a slippery slope to a great deal of heartache for many people. Your husband is totally in denial if he is saying it is fantasy IMO, I told myself the same thing to make myself feel better but we very easily slipped into a comfortable friendship, chatting every day (lots of normal stuff as well as other stuff) but he became my 'person' and he was the one I wanted to talk to and tell things to about what happened in the day etc, I missed him when it stopped and that is not ok. That is the bit that scared me and also thinking where would this actually end, even though we had said nothing would happen if it continued for a long time eventually we may find ourselves in a situation where the opportunity arose.

The point is, my DH should be my person, and the same for you for your DH. I know how awful what i have done is but there is no way I could argue it was just a friendship. For me full disclosure is the key from him.

TheStirrer · 09/06/2021 12:12

@misshavershamsweddingdress Flowers.
I am so sorry to hear that you are in this position and finding it tough but I honestly think you are doing the right thing. What he has done is an affair ( usually friends don’t send each other explicit photos) and without accepting he has done this I don’t see how any progress can be made. If you do want him back perhaps going down the divorce route will make him wake up to the inappropriateness of his actions. If you can’t get over this anyway a swift divorce (and counselling) is probably best. And yes we will all be here to help you through the difficult times with tea and sympathy and virtual hugs x

leopardandspots · 09/06/2021 12:26

For me full disclosure is the key from him

Yes it’s an emotional affair. and although disclosure is one aspect, there's more than that too.
Its about disclosure, transparency and genuine remorse. It’s about not minimising what happened. It’s about genuinely understanding the pain amd feelings of betrayal and anxiety. It’s about understanding what it means to have the safety and security jettisoned from your marriage, leaving hypervigilance, always being on the alert for signs that something similar is happening again.

Each case is different but there seem to be some similar themes. I threw my DH out for three months after hidden messages and secret meetings with his ex. but he always thought I was overreacting. Years later the legacy was still there and a significant factor that led to us separating. The fact that he preferred to keep his ‘friend’ and other stuff secret from me was just too corrosive.

My friend said to me that because I knew what exH was like, I became like his mirror, and ultimately he just didn’t like me knowing what I knew of his shabby deceptions , even if I had tried very hard not to mention it, he didn't like me knowing how he'd behaved.

TheStirrer · 17/06/2021 20:23

@misshavershamsweddingdress
How are things with you? I have been thinking of you over the last few days Flowers