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Original poster

When does a friendship become an affair?

288 replies

misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 11:50

I have been married for nearly 18 years, 2 DC, lovely home, lifestyle, good and kind husband (!) etc etc. But he has a female friend he has known for much longer than me, on and off over many years, periods of not being in touch and I think they have had a physical relationship at some point in the distant past (not completely sure). In the past two years his contact with her has become more frequent, at least every other day, if not daily and he won't let me see the messages they send to each other. Occasionally he will lock the bathroom door and I can hear talking from him but nothing in reply. At what point is this friendship more than that? Is it already?

OP posts:
Phoenix121 · 17/05/2021 14:04

[quote misshavershamsweddingdress]@ChangePart1 last week I asked him who was sending him so many messages and he said it was her. I said that she seemed to be in touch a lot and could I see what they were talking about because it felt 'off' to me. he said no and that they were just general chitchat with a friend. I pushed that and said that if that was the case then there was no reason for me not to see them. The other thing I have noticed is that he has changed the notification settings. he leaves his phone on the side and it used to come up with the message or part of it on the lock screen, last week that changed to her name and 'notification'. That partly prompted me to ask but I haven't really paid attention to the messages before now as I didn't think I needed to. I think I got that wrong, didn't I?[/quote]
No, you didn't get that wrong because until your spidey senses are triggered it is utterly normal not to take the blindest bit of notice of your partner's phone.

Changing the notification settings could be one of two things. One, he is annoyed at your interest so has turned off message preview out of spite. Two, he has turned off message preview as he knows there might be something inappropriate popping up.

Lay the law down as he sounds like he is not respecting you. He should be putting your mind at ease if this is just an innocent friendship.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2021 14:11

Your husband is 100% up to no good. You don't have to be secretive if you're not doing anything wrong, and him changing the notifications is very telling, as well. Don't be a mug and just sit idly by, a serious confrontation is in order.

Phoenix121 · 17/05/2021 14:14

[quote misshavershamsweddingdress]@nancywhitehead I've asked him about her and said that I feel uncomfortable about it but he is adamant they are good friends.[/quote]
Sorry, but I've experienced exactly what you've typed here.

I expressed my concerns with him. He was adamant they were just good friends.

What followed however was months and months of very strange behaviour: notification settings changed, skittishness when his phoned pinged in my presence, new activity on secret messenger, bizarre hyperactivity and forgetfulness generally, .. I could go on.

The 'good friend' disappeared, eventually.

I do hope you are not about to go through this and it is resolved for you quickly.

Anordinarymum · 17/05/2021 14:15

OP if you really think something is going on and only you can know - not anyone on here - then why don't you call his bluff?

Ask him to show you the messages. If he won't, then ask him to leave.

Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 14:17

I'm going to go out for a walk and have a think about how I will approach this. I'm not very good at confrontation so I need to gather my strength a bit. Something is telling me that this isn't right. I don't want to do it when the DC are around and it would probably be best to just go for it now as they won't be home will about 5 but I can't face it yet, need some fresh air first.

OP posts:
Becstar90 · 17/05/2021 14:18

Way beyond a friendship now. If my partner had a female friend and wouldn't show me their txts I wouldn't be with him anymore. You only hide shit when you've got shit to hide.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2021 14:24

"You're behaviour has changed, your are being secretive, and I suspect you are having an inappropriate relationship with your friend. I want to see your phone, right now. If you have nothing to hide this shouldn't be a problem."

Geppili · 17/05/2021 14:40

What @Aquamarine1029 suggests.

JudyGemstone · 17/05/2021 14:43

@Aquamarine1029

"You're behaviour has changed, your are being secretive, and I suspect you are having an inappropriate relationship with your friend. I want to see your phone, right now. If you have nothing to hide this shouldn't be a problem."
This is good but I might want to use more ‘I’ language as ‘you’ language can make people more defensive.

Maybe ‘I’ve noticed some changes in your behaviour, I feel as though you’re hiding something about your friendship with X and I feel insecure. I would like to see your phone right now. If you have nothing to hide this shouldn’t be a problem’

Hooplabum · 17/05/2021 14:49

Explain you are hurt by his behaviour and ask him how he would feel if you were swapping frequent private messages and having conversations with one of your male friends. And you weren’t prepared to share them with him. Would he consider that reasonable? That might help get it through.
If he sees you as trying to “have a go” at her, he will become protective of her plus you’ll be making him feel guilty - which will also make him defensive, so think about the best way to approach the subject.
He may need a bit of time to process the idea, but if he decides the friendship is still more important you’ve got problems. Don’t be afraid to draw a line at that point, but make sure the onus is on him to do something, not you.

MSQuinn · 17/05/2021 14:52

The secrecy is what makes it unusual. The fact he’s locking himself in the bathroom and not letting you see his phone. My husband’s phone pings quite often but he’ll always tell me who it is and if I wanted to see, he’d show me.

nancywhitehead · 17/05/2021 14:56

[quote misshavershamsweddingdress]@nancywhitehead I've asked him about her and said that I feel uncomfortable about it but he is adamant they are good friends.[/quote]
Is that all he says? What does he say about sneaking off into the bathroom to talk to her without you hearing?

It sounds like he is denying your feelings and also placing responsibility back on your shoulders when he is the one behaving weirdly.

Don't let him do that. Make him take ownership of what he is doing and explain himself.

nixonten · 17/05/2021 14:58

A quotation from a play. Many men have a wife, a lover and 'red herring'.

One will be secret.

SuperSange · 17/05/2021 15:04

If it's an iphone, in my last update the notifiction viewing was turned off autimatically. It was there prevuiously.

Onthedunes · 17/05/2021 15:10

@nixonten

A quotation from a play. Many men have a wife, a lover and 'red herring'.

One will be secret.

So very true.
lydia2021 · 17/05/2021 15:42

Get his washing. Pants socks etc. Drop bag off to her. I think if she wanted him, she would have bagged him by now. Hes having a mid life crisis. When she gets his washing, she will be suddenly unavailable. Lol

sunrayscome · 17/05/2021 15:50

@lydia2021
Good idea but I don't think she lives locally !

lydia2021 · 17/05/2021 15:56

Then post it. I bet you get a call from her saying she doesnt want him or his dirty washing. Lol. That's what I would do if I was in same situation...

Passthewinebottle · 17/05/2021 16:04

I hope you're OK OP. The POs are unanimously right I don't doubt, too many things he's doing would be big flashing red flags.

I'm not sure what the ideal outcome is here, but I hope you get it x

gonnabeok · 17/05/2021 16:10

listen to your intuition OP. I first saw a message from the OW pop up on my ex partner's phone which jokingly referred to a sexual act. He said they were friends but had worked together years earlier. He also did the "mentionitis" thing A LOT! Turned out they had been having an affair for 6 months.

Go with your gut instinct. Is there anyway you can access the phone to see the messages. I lied and said I needed to borrow his phone to access the internet as mine wasnt working. As soon as I had it in my hand I went straight to the messages and there they were - tons of them!

Original poster
misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 16:11

Thank you for all of your replies. I'm not going to go in all guns blazing, I'm going to try and stay calm. I want to know the truth ( I realise this is a long shot) and I don't want arguments. @judygemstone's advice is really helpful - thank you. I'm going to try that approach later.

OP posts:
MsMeNz · 17/05/2021 16:18

Yeah it's gone too far my best friend is a guy I lived with him for years before I met my husband he's like my big bro and my husband fully accepted this we talking every week or two but it's usually a big family deal he'll talk to the kids and me and my husband we'd have him over for dinner etc when we all loved in same country which we don't last three years. But we been married 15. That's what a real best friend looks like ... integrated into the family nothing to hide. And I don't care if husband reads messages as nothing to hide usually we chat about work or how families or hobbies are.

Tryinghardfornothing89 · 17/05/2021 19:43

I agree, go with what @JudyGemstone has said, it's perfect. Coming across as an attack naturally invokes defence.
I think that if he doesn't show you or pit your mind at ease, that would be cause to go looking in my opinion.

Skyla2005 · 17/05/2021 20:45

Emotional affair that's is leading to a full on one if not already. You need to get the phone and see the messages

Crikeyalmighty · 17/05/2021 21:17

I would def phrase it as @JudyGemstone suggested— if he won’t show you instantly, he is hiding something