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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When does a friendship become an affair?

288 replies

misshavershamsweddingdress · 17/05/2021 11:50

I have been married for nearly 18 years, 2 DC, lovely home, lifestyle, good and kind husband (!) etc etc. But he has a female friend he has known for much longer than me, on and off over many years, periods of not being in touch and I think they have had a physical relationship at some point in the distant past (not completely sure). In the past two years his contact with her has become more frequent, at least every other day, if not daily and he won't let me see the messages they send to each other. Occasionally he will lock the bathroom door and I can hear talking from him but nothing in reply. At what point is this friendship more than that? Is it already?

OP posts:
Houseofvelour · 19/05/2021 16:21

What a cunt. I'm so sorry xx

crackingcrackers · 19/05/2021 16:26

OP, I'm so sorry. What an arsehole. At the very least he can't mess with your head by denying it anymore.

SwimBaby · 19/05/2021 16:33

crackingcrackers the messing with your head is almost the worst bit. We’re just friends, I’m allowed friends aren’t I? You have friends why can’t I? Next it will be , I had no intention of ever meeting up with her, it was harmless flirtation, then it will be if you gave me more attention/ wasn’t so horrible I wouldn’t have to send messages.

crackingcrackers · 19/05/2021 16:36

@SwimBaby absolutely. Once they get you questioning yourself it makes it all so much harder.

Standrewsschool · 19/05/2021 16:41

Sorry for the outcome - was hoping it was all innocent and just a intense platonic friendship (although the secrecy suggested otherwise).

Wishing you all the best.

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 19/05/2021 16:44

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Just to reiterate though, don't think about her. She is irrelevant to you. She is a nobody. He is married to you and it is his behaviour that is unreasonable, hurtful, wrong and selfish. Focus on that. Personally I'd tell him to leave. See how much she wants him when his world falls apart

Covert19 · 19/05/2021 16:44

I hate these threads. Seeing the truth unfolding with predictable inevitability is heartbreaking.

I'm so sorry that your suspicions were confirmed. Just ugh.

BUT you must stay on the thread for good advice and support. Steel yourself. Be cool, calm and collected and take back control. You get to call the shots now.

ShaaaaaalAhLah · 19/05/2021 16:49

Im so sorry you are going through this :(

vicky54321 · 19/05/2021 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gelatodipistacchio · 19/05/2021 17:23
Flowers
FedNlanders · 19/05/2021 17:34

I'm really sorry it has come to this but you do have the other hand. This is not a reflection on you its his downfall. Stay strong.

Helensss · 19/05/2021 17:35

💐

MsDogLady · 19/05/2021 17:38

...just general chitchat with a friend.

So sorry, OP. You gave him chances to come clean, but he dismissed you, lied and kept cheating. He will likely try to manipulate you now, so don’t allow him to minimize or shift the blame in any way.

You would be wise to take definitive action and send him away for now while you process his awful betrayal. Flowers

Anotheruser02 · 19/05/2021 17:43

I'm gutted for you OP. It seems like every day there is another of these threads, it won't be anything to do with her vs you, it will be ALL about the ego of the man who needs to feel wanted.

Boboparadise · 19/05/2021 17:59

What a complete shit. You deserve better

Newbie202012 · 19/05/2021 18:02

@misshavershamsweddingdress I feel for u op , to me it sounds like something is going on , if he had nothing to hide why lock his self in the bathroom, not show you messages and change his notifications that is 3 red flags to me , from past experience with an ex it started him being on his fone all the time , wouldnt show me messages and told me to stop being parranoyead then he wouldmt leave his fone around me it was always in his pocket because he knew I was catching on to it. if you asked his what's going on and what was his relationship with her in the past he would deny it anyways and probely make u out to be the bad one , if that situation happens to me again I wouldnt say anything yet I'd keep quite and let him drop his guard alittle where he thinks your not noticing anything and see if you can get solid facts to call him out on , try n get hold of his fone and c what the messages are (that's if he isnt deleting them first) if you start calling him out on your suspicions he will look at u like the nagging one and look at here as someone who dosnt give him grief , it says alot about this female friend if she is persuing a married man shes obviously not even half the woman you are ,

JackieQueen · 19/05/2021 18:03

So sorry op Flowers

spotcheck · 19/05/2021 18:20

Gosh- so sorry your gut was spot on.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/05/2021 18:22

@misshavershamsweddingdress

I have been married for nearly 18 years, 2 DC, lovely home, lifestyle, good and kind husband (!) etc etc. But he has a female friend he has known for much longer than me, on and off over many years, periods of not being in touch and I think they have had a physical relationship at some point in the distant past (not completely sure). In the past two years his contact with her has become more frequent, at least every other day, if not daily and he won't let me see the messages they send to each other. Occasionally he will lock the bathroom door and I can hear talking from him but nothing in reply. At what point is this friendship more than that? Is it already?
That's not something I would tolerate. As soon as it becomes a secret it's dodgey. I would never demend to know what do was saying to any of his friends, but if he started keeping his phone locked and locking himself in the bathroom to have a conversation with a other woman, he would be gone from my life before he could finish his pee.
Hawkins001 · 19/05/2021 18:22

All the best , op

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/05/2021 18:29

Ah I'm so sorry OP. Just got round to the updates. What a cunt!

MadMadMadamMim · 19/05/2021 18:44

I'm very sorry to hear this. Please make it absolutely clear to him that this is a deal breaker in a relationship. If you are even considering trying to save your marriage then he must break ALL contact, absolutely, with this woman. And there would need to be real remorse and a realisation of what he has done.

Personally, for me, it would now be past saving.

MangosteenSoda · 19/05/2021 18:45

Eww. He locked himself in the bathroom sending dirty photos and exchanging videos while his family were in the house. Gross and horrible.

espressoontap · 19/05/2021 18:49

Don't be fobbed off by him. So sorry, OP. Take your time Thanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/05/2021 19:17

You poor thing, I'm so sorry. Ugh how can people do this stuff and then look you in the eye when you speak to them about it and make our YOU are being unreasonable. It makes my blood boil the level of gaslighting cheats are capable of. We are here for you OP Thanks

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