feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

[hannag]

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

Right so...

You panic and read between the lines to find worries about the permanence of your relationship.

He's autistic and always tells you exactly as it is.

You had a wobble last night, and have possibly upset / worried him.

You NEED to contact him and let him know why it happened because he may well not realise.

And you won't because of [other things that you're reading between the lines].

He's not a mind reader, this is all terribly and needlessly dramatic - just sort it out.

Calm down Homer she's just responding to people.

@Homer68 because I’m overthinking and anxious about this. I’m not doing it because I am enjoying it.

Sorry @hannag I cross posted with you!

@hannag so stop overthinking and text him ! He'll probably text you back within 5 minutes and you'll feel a lot better for it. Just get it done.

Call him tell him you’re being a stroppy teen and you’re sorry (if you are) of you two are meant to be he will accept your apology if not walk away

If somebody text me at 6pm saying ‘sorry about last night’ I would think well your not that bloody sorry if it’s taken until 6pm to apologise?? Just text him, your making it far worse. Even all the other stuff you are mentioning is irrelevant, and your friend thinking he should have told you this etc, it’s irrelevant, you were wrong so say sorry? He will probably reply like ok thanks I’m fine how are you, and you will think why the hell have I ruined my own day by putting off this message text him!!

Really sorry to say this, but you are not ready for dating yet.

This emotional torment and spiral is not good for you. It's not healthy either and you swing from I've lost the best thing I've ever had, to well he's not that into me anyways, to terrified you lost him.

It's a very vulnerable position to be in. Not sleeping over not texting, promising yourself to be nicer,too afraid to take action or apologise, planning to hide your thoughts and feelings (no matter how irrational). The insecurity and neediness only add to this cocktail of vulnerability and chances are you'll end up in some form of toxic relationship (either because of yourself or the man).

For your own sake, you need to be single and keep working on yourself.

Op this sounds so painful.

Please stop beating yourself up so thoroughly. I know it feels grim to be needy, but The point of intimate relationships is that we bring our selves to them, not an edited version.

Of course you are going to be a pain at times, you’re human. But It’s not just the best behaviour version of yourself that deserves love, it’s the grotty bits too.

Did you actually get beyond drafting the text? Has it been sent now?

I think it maybe a waste of time providing advice here. I provided some advice and was told I am unkind. Yet its the OP being unkind that started this thread ! The same advice has given multiple times but the OP just comes back with the same response worded differently. Its been going on for 7 hours !

I am so angry with myself for causing drama. Turn the anger into bravery and text him with a light, sincere, non-dramatic apology. You weren't your best self. Apologise for your own moral code, never mind about the relationship.

Is it better to do it in a voice message? Wondering if that’s nicer.

He finishes work at 10. TEXT HIM NOW TO APOLOGISE. He’ll then have time to adsorb it and process it before he finishes work and potentially talks to you. If you don’t text him he will think you’re still stropping about the weekend. He’s not a mind reader!!

@hannag A quick "sorry I've been an idiot xxx" text will break the ice.

@hannag

Is it better to do it in a voice message? Wondering if that’s nicer.

No. Stop putting it off and send the text.

Send it by carrier pigeon, telegraph, message in a bottle, write it in the sky- IT DOESNT MATTER HOW- JUST APOLOGISE!!!!!!

He won’t read it until ten. I will send it just feel anxious about it.

I know if he replies he will be his usual formal self and it will send me into a spin given what happened last night.

Apologise, explain you had booked the surprise. Say of course you want to see him. Keep it light after that, no drama.

If I could paste an image in here it would be an image of Patrick Stewart doing his face palm routine.

I apologise to my husband all the time. Totally normal.

Voice message would avoid any misunderstandings yes.

Do it ASAP!!!

Don't faff around with voice notes he has to go somewhere to listen to if he's busy... just text him so he can see it as soon as he looks at his phone.

You are a drama llama! If you were my friend I would be saying "seriously mate... you're not ready to be dating anyone."

@Homer68

Exactly!

OP you are just saying the same thing over and over again and not listening to what anyone is saying.

Just send the bloody text.

Have you text? Hope he texts back

I think we're wasting our breath and I've a feeling OP is enjoying the drama of keeping people hanging on here.